u/_oneblackcoffee_

I know, I know it is dumb but like. I'm a big spider-man fan, and as many may know, Petra Parker is Really popular at the moment. Which is *fine*, but I have to admit to myself, it does make me uncomfortable at times! Mostly because I've always seen spider-man as a trans man (shocker.)

My discomfort mostly comes from the experiences I've had with hypervisibility of trans fem people vs erasure of trans mascs. In my experince if a character has a trans fem hc gets popular, it becomes the norm and even implying the inverse becomes like. Sorta negatively viewed?? Like, some people will get super defensive over the idea of the character being a woman. And of COURSE this isn't the entire fandom, all the time, but it is enough for me to preface that I don't think it's bad, and I obviously understand how hard it is to be trans, let alone be so hypervisible in this damned society.

I've also struggled to find *just* trans masc media outside of like, Ao3, for Spider-man, which means I'm like trying to go indulge in an affirmative thing and I get blasted with the "aw geeze being a woman is so great and i'm so happy" which again, I feel the need to stress is FINE, IT IS JUST UPSETTING WHEN I'M TRYING TO FIND THE "aw geeze i'm so happy being a man and it's so great being a dude and spider-man." stuff.

And in general I feel like an asshole when I say that I don't really see or like a trans fem headcanon, because I'm like. really fucking worried that I'm being transphobic. I don't want to upset anyone and I don't want to make any trans fems feel like they can't like. Also have fun and find themselves in their favorite characters. I just. Don't really get any enjoyment out of transfem headcanons most of the time.

Idk I just don't know how to express this to others or if I even ever should. I feel bad about it because I have cis friends who'll send me any sort of trans content and I just. Do Not enjoy it from time to time. and I can't explain to people Why.

Shit ass title but like. God I'm really the pickiest tranny, huh. Been knowingly trans for over 10 years now and I don't think I'll ever actually be happy when it comes to our options

And I know meta, phallo, a thousand plasties— they're all great surgeries but none of them will give me what I want. I don't care about kids or whatever. I just want to be able to bust a nut in somebody and get soft. Foreskin, having a soft dick (ideally I'd be a grower, i always thought that seemed cool), and actually ejactulating. Like sperm.

And I *get* it. Cis men have problems that keep them from that stuff too— I don't care. I don't care if cis guys with micropenises use strap on's. That's still not the same and its tiring to be met with "well y'know!"— PEOPLE STILL SEE THEM AS MEN. THEY'RE MOCKED BUT THEY AREN'T WOMEN.

Been on t for nearly 4 years, don't pass and I still get off the way i did pre-T because it just takes *so* much longer if I actually try to treat my dick *like* a dick and jerk it. (and i guess i should work with that and stop seeing masterbation as a thing to just get over with) Sometimes if I do fantasize or listen to audio I'll mime jerking a dick I don't have and oh my god it's so good.

I don't have the money or time to try pumping, don't have the daily genital dysphoria to invest in a packer, don't have the sex life to invest in a prosthetic, and selfish enough in concept to not want to use a strap (the lack of personal sensation without mental training or getting off on others pleasure)

I'm also a total virgin* and a loser in real life so it's not like this is even actually a problem. Nobody's seen it before. I don't even know why I worry about this all when nobody has even touched me before. I've tried putting myself out there (really only by dating app)(i know, bullet in a foot from the start) but I got three matches over three months and four apps. Nothing went anywhere.

*I had a series of bad sexual encounters as a teen but all of them were online so I'm like. In a weird space with what to call it.

The two feelings make each other far worse.

Man i just wish I had a natal dick. I wish I had a sex life and normal relationships.