I have to stop consuming gay media
Tagging this as NSFW just because of mentions of body parts and the concept of the deed, but nothing graphic or explicit. Better safe than sorry.
Watched Heated Rivalry with a friend who LOVES IT recently. I liked it. I just have such a hard time with shows that have two cis gay men in a relationship and it's so *lovely*. Ofc they have their issues, but that's not what I'm talking about. I just can't get over the grief of never being able to have that.
Even if folks use the right pronouns, even if I pass in my face and with my clothes on, even if the sound of my voice is right, I will never be cis. I will never have what they have. I will never be able to experience that kind of physical connection, and any romantic connection I do have will always be underscored by the insecurity that they will always see me as a woman, or as a man who is wrong. I hate wanting something I can never have. I pass fine in general, but that's with clothes on. Underneath, my body is all kinds of weird. Curves and fat in the wrong places, very wide hips, a vulva, knees that angle the wrong way, a chest that only exists because of a surgeon's delicate work. Even if I lost some weight and built more muscle, I cannot change my bones. I cannot change my history. I cannot change the way that I am. I will never get to experience intimacy in that way, a way that feels holy and pure and perfect in my mind.
I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. I am afraid to be, and everyone is disgusted and perturbed by me anyways. I will always be a woman to the mlm people I know. And to any of the female or nonbinary folks I know, I am a man lite. I'm different than a real man. I'm nice and feminine and not like those evil cis men they hate. I'm still a man, but only a man on their terms. And even if this isn't true, if they don't think that, they don't need to. I have already decided that it is what they think for them. I am not cis, so I will never be secure in being seen the same way as a cis person. Because I'm not.
And people will say "trying to pass is silly, you're a real man no matter what" and "just go t4t" and I get that. I understand that works for you. It does not work for me. I am a social creature situated in a social world. In my own eyes, it is hard for me to be a man unless others also wholly recognize me as one. It doesn't matter as much outside of dating, but inside of that? It is important to me. It is important to me that my partner can see the whole of me and my body and see me as a man. And not only say that, but truly believe it. And I want to believe it too. It is hard for me to see my own body in the context of those situations and understand myself as being a man. Why would someone see my wide hips and vulva and see me as a man? They wouldn't. That doesn't make any sense. And as for t4t, I'm not against it, but I don't want to wlak around the entire world on a sheet of ice. I dont want to shrink my dating people to only trans people. I want to be understood by other people too. I want the same privileges as a cis man in the dating world. I don't want to have to feel like some little freak who can only date other trans people because he's so fucking sensitive. And even then, I won't believe they actually will see me as myself. Even to another trans person, especially in an explicitly t4t relationship, I will always be trans before I am a man.
I don't want to be a TRANS man. I just want to be a man. I don't necessarily want to be a cis man either, there's no point in that, but I envy the way they are just men. There's no modifier. They just are. I just want to be a man. And I feel like a fucking girl. A little girl. Like that is all anyone will ever see underneath my clothes and posturing.
Also, no hate to anyone who doesn't care about passing or is exclusively t4t. That's cool. It's just not for me!