u/throw-away7777788899

4 months ago I was stressed from exams and dysphoria that I (by accident) looked at myself in the mirror and couldn’t handle what I was seeing
I was fresh out of the shower, nude, and could see everything female in my body, so I took the mirror and bashed my head into it and I had to get a few stitches nothing serious
For 4 months now I haven’t looked at myself in the mirror
I don’t know what I look like anymore
Every mirror is covered
Every printed picture of me is turned around or removed from my vicinity
I have no pictures of myself and don’t take pictures with my friends
All I can remember is an ugly pig that looks like a female when I know I’m not
It’s so bad I can’t look at my shadow anymore
Makes me nauseous seeing a female shadow
It makes me ill knowing people see a her, never a him
I feel like I’m going insane

I have a lot of cis friends but this happens with cis guys especially we’d be talking like normal id tell him im trans as a way to get it off my chest and cut a relationship that’s not meant to be if it came down to that and then id notice the subtle shift in the way they start speaking to me, every so often a misgendering happens and it breaks my heart because before you knew im trans this would never happen. It especially hurts more when this friend was with me for years and they slip up once in a while like I can tell you don’t really see me as another man like you

I’m sorry I think this might be triggering to a lot of people but I’m so sick with dysphoria i genuinely can’t function anymore that I’m starting to look into conversion therapy (even tho deep down I know it won’t work I’ve been there once) to “detrans” myself and maybe not feel like shit all the time, I’m physically ill because of dysphoria it has caused immense stress on my body that I started getting nauseous and other health complications and I genuinely can’t stand it I want it gone maybe conversion therapy can fix it idk I can’t even transition so why bother I’m so sick of this
Im starting uni in about a month and im going from a basically all girls school to a mixed environment and I genuinely can’t imagine how bad dysphoria might get seeing actual cis guys, yeah better not be trans at all

لانه التقديم بلش و أنا يعني ٩٩٪؜ حأقدم عالاردنية ينفع اروح أشوفها بس هيك شوفة مع حدا يوم من الأيام؟ عادي الأمن بدخلني؟

I went to the OBGYN yesterday against my will with my mom and I secretly hoped that this small check up I’m gonna get is gonna uncover some secret thing about me not being a biological female (wishful thinking)
Anyways as soon as we went into the clinic we were in the waiting room and I’m the youngest person there (17) and all around me are pregnant women or just women who want to get check ups and that immediately spikes my dysphoria just because. My mom and I head up to the secretary and they chat for a little and then confirm our appointment and before we sit in the waiting room chair the secretary asks me in a joking way “why aren’t you pregnant yet? (Due to the fact that every woman around me was either pregnant or had her kid with her)” and I looked at her confused and she shrugged and laughed and said “hope you have a healthy marriage when you grow up and come back here pregnant with a child” and I just looked at her feeling humiliated as a few women chuckled and my mom did too. That was incredibly weird
When I finally went in for the check up I was already tearing up from the built up dysphoria and while the doc was doing her check up she kept commenting on how much of a healthy female I am and I had to turn my face away to calm myself and not start sobbing
I went home and I genuinely couldn’t breathe this is the worst experience of my life whatever I’ll do I’ll always be a “healthy female” I’m so sick of this I genuinely wanted to choke myself in anger when I came home due to how bad the dysphoria was

مرحبا أنا طالب حقل لغات طلعت النتائج امبارح جبت 93.9 و سمعت من حدا بعرفه انه كان معدل قبول الصيني السنة الماضية 94.5 في فرصة ينقص معدل قبوله بحيث ادخله بدون موازي و كيف الموازي بشتغل أصلا

ما عم بلاقي اي حدا ببيعهم في الاردن و أنا شوي جاهل في ال international shopping 🫠

I keep seeing them over and over and I genuinely can’t do it, no amount of blocking or ignoring their content or not interacting with them. They’re just everywhere and growing and growing and I genuinely can’t stand them anymore, they’re getting to me, I’m so tired of them, the only “community” I had is becoming unfriendly everyday, they say they’re with trans men because we’re “confused women” and hate on trans women, seeing them be one of the loudest voices in the queer space is making me seriously consider just giving up on being here. I’m so sick of them and of being trans

I genuinely can’t live life anymore, I feel like a spectator, everyone I know is living their life while I’m waiting and waiting and waiting to start living. All my good moments are tainted by soul crushing dysphoria, can’t even walk in public without getting nauseous and choking up because all I see are cis guys living their life and I’m just me. Even if I talk to queer friends I know they don’t take me seriously because I don’t look like I’m trying to pass at all due to safety issues, I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo. I feel like such a zombie just a body without a mind, I’ve taken to maladaptive daydreaming as an escape and it makes me feel even more terrible because why does he (the male version I daydream about) get to exist but I just have to suffer? Nothing is enjoyable anymore, even one of my favorite hobbies (reading) has become a point of misery because I gravitate towards queer books and seeing cis guys or even passing trans guys in love just makes me feel worse and worse. A guy on Reddit dmed me asking to hook up which I don’t care about but he thought I was cis and I felt so disgusting telling him I’m probably not what he’s looking for and he just blocked me like that.I used to love piano and art and other creative stuff but dysphoria sucked the soul out of me and I can’t get up to do anything fun anymore. I feel so helpless

When I realized I was trans when I was 11 it was a pretty “eh” feeling about whatever it is that’s fine
Now like 7 years later I can barely function
Every moment is choked by dysphoria
I cry nearly daily because of it, it’s choking the life out of me. It’s become so unbearable to live in my body. Even on the days I feel “good” about how my body looks something happens and dysphoria comes crashing down even worse.
Is it maybe due to stress because of exams season coming up? Idk
I also feel very unworthy of love and I feel like I missed out because all people my age and close friends (all cis) are dating and talking to people and when I try to I feel like a fraud for asking someone to see me like a guy when I don’t even look like one, makes it even worse being attracted to guys only. I’m genuinely so sick of being trans

A lot of talk about internalized transphobia and bad thoughts

I’m genuinely so done with being trans. I hate it so much, it’s such a negative experience and an obstacle in my life. Whatever I’ll do, how much I’ll transition, the word trans will hang over my head like a noose.

I-an atheist- have clasped my hands and prayed to a god I don’t believe in to either stop these feelings or just take me. I’m so sick of this body, “she” this “her” that and all I can do is pretend I don’t want to end it all because I have no means of safety to even TRY to pass, or acting like I don’t want to smash my head and see my brain fall out, same brain that cursed me with being trans.And then I see younger trans guys who never had to go through female puberty and I get even more ill. I think I’m genuinely ill because of dysphoria, feels like my heart is failing. I took my senior picture photos and all I could see was a girl, not a hint of masculinity, I despise being this way, brought me nothing positive into my life