u/IndeMyQueen

And it’s not even like gentle lmao. I will outright start off by saying I’ve been dealing with a lot of irrational and unreasonable feelings and I just need to vocalize it to get it off my chest. And when I do people jump down my throat to tell me how irrational I’m being and how at fault I am for having these irrational thoughts. Like HELLO??? I’ve acknowledged that I am the problem, I do not make this anyone else’s issue. I’ve tried talking to friends, the only family member I have, even online strangers. Sometimes I’m just tryna be heard, can’t a bitch try to have some free therapy and get something heavy off their chest without getting smacked around without being jumped about how I’m the problem (already knew that) and that I need to change (again, literally said that and actively trying).

I’m not going to say I want it to be some big romance or serious relationship, it’s just finally getting to me. The last few people I’ve been with have very much been the same way about me, very big on non-committal non-exclusive relationships to the point of literally only hitting me up to inevitably ask if we can link again.

She started off knowing me by being open about exploring and not being exclusive. I understood. She did say that could very easily change the more time we spend together and the more intimate we are. I was a bit hopeful but not delusional. We spend pretty large amount of time together, due to our libidos we also kinda can’t keep our hands off each other. She likes it to be very romantic as well which is jarring. Somehow she still finds a lot of time between work and seeing me to date other people and hook up with strangers. We have great chemistry and are pretty good together, I’m kinda shocked she doesn’t seem to like me more than just being the person she dates and sleeps with a few times a week.

I think for me even if it’s not that serious, I wish it would be more special. As special as it is for me that it is for them. At the very least the person I’m with right now treats me pretty great as a basic human level, she simply doesn’t care for me in any significant way and that’s kind of sad for me. I can’t not have sex unfortunately, be it due to trauma or neurodivergence I can fight it but eventually I need a sexual outlet so I have to spend a good amount of time building up chemistry and connecting with someone.

It’s just that back to back to back to back…etc nobody has ever been interested in dating me outside of something fun and not at all serious or deeply romantic. I can even settle for a casual romance with some level of comfort and safety! Maybe it’s the recovering serial monogamist in me, but I’ve been single for three years I’m certainly miss the safety of having someone even if it wasn’t a forever partner. Idk what bothers me more, that nobody seems to want to date me or that everyone is so obsessed with no strings attached non-committal sex

I just made a joke abt my last ex from three years ago who was an addict like me. We had a sweet relationship to be honest. We had the same loving hearts and tbh combining that with wild sex every chance we were along with each other made life so good. I didn’t like what I was doing to her, she was a recovering trafficking and sex cult victim (yes literally) so she’s been through unimaginable things. Her own father was actively trying to marry her after raising her to be great at three things: cooking, cleaning, and sex. I realized she was abandoning all other desires to serve me as a stand in for what she had before. Anyway we broke up.

My ex before was an addict too. She was the predatory one in our relationship cuz of how/when we met and the major major age gap.

Now here I am. I’m very upfront about it. I have a sex addiction tied to past trauma. I try not to date girls who are much younger than me (always aiming for at least 21) or more vulnerable or naive. But I still feel like a sick freak actively luring in women who have the same problem as me. I want love. I want romance. I want to make someone feel happy but my brain doesn’t think about anything other than sex sex sex sex sex sex. And my last ex, trafficking victim and all was such a terrible influence. With the sex addiction comes boredom which leads to experimenting. And I find crazy things to experiment on them with. Consent? Yes of course they consent. But I know how it is when the desire takes over you don’t think you make bad decisions you just need the rush you need to have crazier and crazier sex.