My partner is currently locked in and unfortunately so is my desire for them
My partner has gotten busier and more focused on their career lately. Like hella locked in.
They've even joked about wanting to cut off their genitals just so they could work in peace because it was annoying for them to feel physical arousal sometimes when they don't actually have the desire and/or capacity to be intimate.
My partner and I are both demi and we’re usually pretty sexually active, so I think the sudden change has been getting to me more than I expected.
They're still affectionate with me and it's not like I'm being abandoned in the trenches or anything! I just find myself missing being able to stay wrapped up in each other instead of affection being a lovely little moment before one of us has to understandably move their attention elsewhere.
Honestly, it's embarrassing how sad this has been making me lately. I don't feel like I have the right to feel this way because it's not like my partner's doing anything wrong. I care about them and understand that they're more occupied, and I don't wanna seem selfish and entitled.
The last thing I want for them is to feel pressured or obligated into being intimate with me. Part of me thinks it's better not to bring up at all, because I really don't want them to feel that way and I don't wanna accidentally make them responsible for my feelings. At the same time, keeping it entirely to myself feels lonely, because the sadness and longing is still there even when I understand all of that intellectually.
It's frustrating how centered my desire is on them. When I’m turned on, I don't just wanna get off. I want them specifically. I want to be close to them, touch them, be touched by them, and do that for a long while. The sexual desire and the desire for emotional closeness feel so tangled together for me that I can’t really separate the two.
Even watching porn doesn’t really help because doing so would just remind me of them, make me think about them more, and miss them even harder. Touching myself would take care of the annoying pop-ups from the flesh, but it sure as hell does nothing for the yearning.
Sometimes it even makes the yearning far worse because afterwards, I'm just sitting there thinking that this wasn't what I really wanted. My body feels better sure, but I still want them and I want this specifically with them.
I know this is probably just a season where they’re really invested in what they’re working towards. I’m genuinely proud of them for that too. I love seeing them care so much about their work, and I absolutely do not want them to shrink their ambitions just because I am currently experiencing Victorian levels of yearning in the background.
I just really miss them in this very specific, intimate, and embarrassingly pathetic way, and my brain has no idea where else to put that desire.
To make matters worse, we're going on a short trip soon for an event before they get even busier, and might book a hotel to stay overnight at. My overactive horny hopeful imagination has already taken this information and ran several miles with it. I am trying so hard to be normal about it.
Please pray for me.