r/BPDsupport

Guys, gals and nonbinaries out there, I need to vent (and ask you for advice).
In short, I (25f) had spent a couple of years in therapy, and the therapist told me that I have a borderline personality type, which made me rethink my whole life. After we had worked through my anger issues (I wasn’t able to get angry with people at all), I was quick to ditch my therapy.
A couple of years later I went abroad and understood that I have severe problems with communication. I idealised people and devalued them as fast as possible, lost all the connections with few friends I had had at home and made multiple mistakes I am now not happy about.
Sometimes I felt like it was all too much and wanted to return, now when I am back I have nobody to turn to and am idealising my past.
The biggest problems now are that: a) I have no friends and b) my partner has to bear with me when I experience temper tantrums.
And guess what? I went to a psychiatrist once but she was so horrible to me that I decided to never deal with them again.
When I am not having a tantrum, I function very much like a typical human being. I typically ignore the emptiness inside and keep myself busy until everything gets back to normal.
It also concerns me that I have never been diagnosed and don’t know what specialists could do that in the first place.
So, what the heck is going on? Where should I start from?

I’m only 18 years old, I know there’s a lot of adults in this subreddit who are more experienced in managing their disorder.

I just went through my first heartbreak and I’ve objectively had the worst year of my life. It’s been abandonment after abandonment, a constant cycle of push and pull whether it was between friends or now my ex.

He told me that we’d still be friends, and his main reason for breaking up with me was that he wasn’t able to “handle” my BPD symptoms. The same way all my ex best friends weren’t able to.

I know it’s my responsibility to manage my symptoms too, and I’ve been trying so hard since I got out of the psych ward. He supported me thru everything, constantly reassured me that I’m not a burden, and then left me with his reason being that I am, in fact, a burden. Just like everyone else I pushed away. Even though I’ve been doing so much better at supporting myself recently.

I stopped self harming for him, even if I got the compulsion I never let it take over because I didn’t want to worry him. I still get emotional a lot but I tried not to let it affect our relationship because I truly loved him. And then he told me I was “settling” for him when he left, as if I don’t cry over him at least three times a day.

I tried reasoning with him yesterday, and he told me he was dead-set on this breakup and I shouldn’t contact him for another two months. It hurts so bad.

How do I cope with heartbreak? Will I ever be able to have a close relationship with someone who can “handle” me? I miss him so much.

I just got redit because I think this is my last resort to finding help without paying to be told I need to keep going.

BPD sucks. I've done amazingly well for 36 years I guess you could almost say high functioning BPD. I embraced it for all its good things. Never wanted to use it as a crutch in life so I didn't and I am technically not in the worst place ever. So many people have it worse. I'm pretty-not to sound like a dick but enough to do only fans and probably make a shit ton of money- unfortunately my morals won't let me do it. I'm actually fairly smart. I'm a mother to a 19-year-old who is an absolute beautiful human. Not sure how I managed that but once again very blessed. I'm charismatic and bubbly.

BUT

I am broken. I am burnt out. Mentally, emotionally and now financially. I'm scared. I have options. I have time. I have a mother and daughter who love me more than anything.

I don't have friends. I have a bf long distance that is probably tired of hearing my pain. I feel like he only stays because I'm something to pitty. My family isn't around or they just don't give a fuck. Until too late that is.

I'm terrified to take my life. But I also I'm so exhausted. To the point where it hurts. I'm losing myself. My stress is astronomically high. 99% sure that perimenopause has kicked in.

Am I actually selfish to take my own life? Please understand living in this body and such a mental disorder is so crushing. Hey genuinely feel like I'm rolling around in third degree burns and nobody can see it nor could they believe it because of the way I look.

I think I need to just go. I understand it will hurt people and impact their life's but suffering isn't how someone should live. If I had stage 4 cancer and was suffering through chemo everyone would probably want the suffering to end for me so why is this not the same.

I'm not sure if I'll ever see the comments to this post but at least somewhere in this web it will lead back to my name and maybe people can understand why I did what I did.

Hey, I'm not sure if anybody will read this but I really want to come on here and make my piece. I've been through the doctors offices, took the medications, spoke to the therapists, pretended it was okay, told others they are okay, apologized for actions. But at the end of the day this shit doesn't care if you do these steps. BPD used to rule my life to the point I was alone and crying everyday because I felt like a monster and thought I couldn't be able to make anybody happy.

I'm crawling out of that pit today. I'm not going to do this shit anymore. I'm done feeling sorry. I'm done feeling useless. I'm taking my life back. I would love if any of you want to support me or start a little support session. I know this shit is going to be hard as fuck but I don't have any other options.