r/BPDsupport

(This is all aligned with my BPD) I have this very specific emotion where I get jealous easily and hate hearing about others being happy or their positive sex life or positive love life and like seeing all types of different people just makes me feel sad and alone and I keep getting emotionally hurt and I don't know how to handle it and seeing everyone have what I want sucks and I have a specific type in women like ethnicity and some stuff and I worry about getting hurt or if they won't want the same stuff I would or wouldn't be open minded
I'm so isolated and I get hurt by the tiniest things and it's hard for me to be non judgmental about things. I'm stuck in an infinite loop of pain and wanting to change. Not having therapy is just hard
I had really bad suicidal thoughts 1-2 weeks ago
and they keep coming back over and over again
Except that time I almost did it but stopped myself because I know my family and friends care about me and would suffer without me and my friends would too. It just feels like I can't escape the pain. I'm jealous of couples around me and I'm attracted to a lot of different types of people and I get so jealous seeing all of them and all types of shit and it hurts so much. I'm alone and I want to be motivated to actually go to the gym and fix my weekly planner and habit tracker and clean my room and do all these things but I'm just stuck and there's so much more to all this and my doctor thinks I have BPD as well as my family and I just want love and to help myself and I'm in pain. But like I want specific stuff too, like white, european, latina, middle eastern and I want them to be loyal and not wanna cheat/microcheat and communication and honesty and I just want something healthy and positive and someone older to help motivate me.

I can't see past how I feel. I can't see anything. For someone who's imagination is so fucking active and strong I can't even picture myself 5 years from now. Shit, I can't even see myself a year from now. Being so up and down is frustrating. I'm doing the work. I'm learning the things and I even have support but I just can't get past these fucking feelings. I didn't ask to be born and I damn sure didn't ask for bpd. But that doesn't matter. I'm still held responsible for my actions and reactions and whatnot. It's not fair but life is never fair. I just hope I don't take anyone down with me. I feel so fucking bad for the people who love me. I'm trying for them but it's too hard. But it's not about me anymore. My life is no longer mine the second I became a parent. She didn't ask to be here either so I must make here as good as I can for her. What a terrible burden. To be someone's reason for living. That's a lot of weight to carry. I'm a lot of weight to carry.

TW: suicide attempt

TLDR: I was a fav person without knowing it until a split happened- the relationship spiraled into chaos overnight and couldn’t recover. I tried so hard to stay and support my BPD friend but it became so intense and scary and painful for me I had to leave. But this made my friend try to die multiple times and I am grappling with grief. Did I do the right thing by leaving?

I am looking for validation, ultimately, I guess. I was in a seemingly impossible situation and pulled the rip cord… but idk if I did the right thing.

My best friend has BPD, I don’t have BPD but I do have fearful avoidant attachment, and I empathize a lot and don’t stigmatize BPD.

I made a friend in recent years and we became close slowly over time. It didn’t build as a typical BPD relationship- it was a slow and non intense build over years.

We did eventually get very close, and once the attachment got to a certain depth, everything changed in an instant. An innocent thing on my end was perceived as a slight and it snowballed at the speed of light and within days of this incident she was a completely different person- suicidal, severely self deprecating, flipping back and forth from attacking me and being mean to begging me to save her. Her suicidality was honestly terrifying- she was telling me over and over that basically her life was in my hands, but she was also making it literally impossible to help her by rejecting it, being rageful, etc. I could see clearly what was happening. I was a FP once before years ago before I knew what that was, I recognized this split and realized what I missed before which was how intensely this friend had attached to me.

I stuck it out for months. She was splitting weekly and each time it was so intense for me- I spent months shaking, knots in my stomach, ruminating, on how to show up effectively for the level of chaos that was happening. Each week she was threatening the relationship which was devastating to me, telling me she was suicidal and taking drugs all day, that the person I was friends with was no longer here (which I observed to be true!)… I truly had such a hard time. I was in my own grief at the change in the relationship and the depth of pain my friend was in, and at the dynamic I was in was scary! Having someone be mean to me and talk to me like I was bad really hurt. I knew that I couldn’t be the one to come rescue her because it would reinforce the dynamic of codependency, reinforce her negative beliefs, and also would be bad for me- that is not healthy for either one of us! I offered a lot of different types of support, communicated my support and love, but ultimately never stepped in the role of rescuer.

I communicated to her clearly on multiple occasions that I am not running away just because of this, that I believed in our capacity to get through something like this but that I don’t accept meanness, character assassination, or anything that makes the relationship emotionally unsafe for me. She seemed to understand but be unable to maintain that. After a few of these clear boundaries from me, there was a day that it happened again- she verbally attacked me calling my character and integrity into question and said she didn’t want to be friends. I realized over the next few days that this had become impossible. It became clear to me that there was no way out of this- it had been months of her in a suicidal drug daze where she quit her job, gave all her stuff away because she doesn’t deserve joy and money, and just sat in pain all day begging me to save her. Like the collapse was insane- She showed literally zero ability to help herself at all, utilize any support around her, it was like she was choosing to ignore all her support and make all these choices that led to total destruction and deterioration. Like she literally quit her job out of shame. She made all these choices that made her situation worse and worse, but begged me to rescue her.

I realized that every interaction with me made her worse. My attempts to support her, show her love, etc only hurt her more. Each interaction we had triggered her shame more. I started to feel like I was the one hurting her and making this all worse. Almost every time we talked she would have a negative reaction that deepened the hole she was in.

I realized this wasn’t going to end, and it really seemed like my presence was hurting her. the next time she split and said she didn’t want to be friends I said fine, you’re right this isn’t working. I shared my love to her. Then over the next couple weeks she tried to kill herself multiple times. I know because other friends were reaching out to me about it.

Some part of me ultimately knows I made the right choice but, I guess my grief is making me confused and wonder if I should’ve been different. If I should’ve done something different that would’ve helped me to show up more sustainably to really try to make it through this stage.

I guess my question- for those of you on the other side of this equation who have BPD- have you ever known that the relationship was doomed? That some point of no return had been crossed, and that there was no saving the relationship? That the FP should leave? I just wish so bad the relationship could’ve survived this, I guess I’m having a hard time knowing if I made the right decision, or if I should’ve kept trying.

And I guess maybe I’m also sharing this for anyone that maybe thinks their FP doesn’t care after the breakup, or that their FP didn’t try so hard. Ugh idk.

I have been thinking about getting diagnosed, for ref I turned 19 this year, live in Germany and have been showing signs of BPD for a long time now. (Years)

I'm not really gonna talk about signs because I'm not seeking advice about if I really have bpd or anything else.

My actual question is to people who are diagnosed, is it hard to get a diagnosis?

Because tbh I've been dreading getting a diagnosis especially since I'm not a person that lingers around much if I realize something takes too long to get to..

Is it worth it to try and get diagnosed?

Thanks to anyone that can give me some advice!

hey guys quick question am i unlovable

I’m not even just saying that for pity or anything. I haven’t tried to seriously be involved with someone for the past 2-3 years and I met this guy through a friend and I suddenly felt myself have a crush again.

I do have bpd and the worst thing ab it is like I can’t even cater to my relationship triggers because I need to be actively involved with someone in order to work through them bc otherwise I’m single and “fine”.

I just can’t stop blaming myself and thinking ab how I fall so hard so fast. It’s genuinely irritating to me, idk how people do it normally. I feel like I lose myself so much in getting to know someone. I have been able to control my obsessiveness and need to be cute and girlfriend-y. I made this guy a plate of food yk things like that, and now I feel so stupid because the one thing I feared was being vulnerable and have someone leave me again. It didn’t help that I got into a fight with my sister the other day and she told me no one’s ever going to really want me and it’s a matter of time before this new guy leaves me. She was right. I just don’t understand why nobody around me can stay. Why does everybody have to leave after such a little amount of time. It’s like they get bored of me.

I’m pretty sure me and this guy are over now and it feels like my whole world is collapsing. I can’t get out of bed and I definitely can’t do this again. I’m just so annoyed I thought I was healed or wtv the fuck but clearly not.

Has anyone been through this repeatedly and have any advice to make it better??

so, for context, me (20) and my (now ex) gf (19) have been on a rocky relationship since 2023. We actually dated back then for a while, but she was so impulsive and emotionally unstable back then, and I was a dumb, alcoholic junkie teenager who didnt know what to do and feared I would make her worse so I broke up with her. Even though I had broken up with her, I thought of her everyday and didn't want to have any other relationship, I really tried to get better, got into a nice university and got a nice job, that way I could be better in a way i could deal with her stuff. We tried dating again once in 2024 but it still was too much for me, didn't talk for a while until last year I was feeling like something bad was about to happen, went to sleep then woke up with her calling me all bloodied up because her bf had hit her. I went to the police station to get her, brought her home and she slept in my house that day. I was respecting her space, but after we lay down together I felt this rush of emotion and decided then and there that I would never leave her again. She actually didnt break up with her abuser bf till january and we didnt talk until then, but after that I've made my life's effort to be with her. It took a while of convincing her that I could be good for her, but after two months she said she wanted to date me.
The problem is, ever since then there are times she seems to get crazy over nothing and try her hardest to drive me away. Usually it was regarding my ex- I dated a girl from 2019 to 2022 (they were friends for a while, but i wasnt in contact with either of them) and she was certain I just love that ex way more than I love her and that I would go back to her sooner or later. She even went as far as breaking up with me and trying to be friends with that ex of mine for a week so she could get info on how our relationship was and use that as proof that I love that ex more and would never do her good (things went badly, that ex of mine is really just a bad person) and after some days she gave up on that idea and we got back together.
And now, last week, she got mad with me because I talked to a person she didn't want me to talk to. (I literally just greeted them) For context, he didn't do anything to her or whatever, she just didn't want me to talk to him. She started saying she wanted to break up and she would kill herself if I kept talking to him, I said I didn't even say anything to him and she seemed to understand but was still adamant on her not wanting to be with me anymore. Literally a hour before she was saying she loved me and that she would prove to me and everyone else she was with me out of love and because I never left her no matter what. I'm really uncertain of what to do out of this situation, because she doesn't want to see me or do anything with me, she keeps saying she doesn't love me anymore and that she tried to break up but I never let her and kept convincing her to be with me, even though it was her who asked if I still wanted to be with her and got really affectionate with me, this seems like every other situation she tried to use to drive me away but I don't know exactly. Does this seems like splitting? It's been 5 days and still no luck of making amends, I don't know what to do