u/lemon_panda2805

This fucking burning pain inside, like hole full of fire and void...

Today is hard to me. I have to isolate almost every day, everyone irritate me, I am scare of me blowing out.

Fucking bpd. Today is day when I am doubting everything in my life. From my past and from present.

Why I am even in hospital? There is no meds **for** bpd. There is no cure. This is fucking curse for life. What I am doing?

There is no one to help me. No one to understand. Every day in earphones, brainlessly playing games on phone or reading book. Everyone are so annoying noisy, so "Oh my dear, how are you feeling?". Like shit, but there is no other patient who will understand. I am only borderline soul here. No friends, no family, no visits, no hope...

Fuck I am so lonely in my pain. Today is 8th day here, there will be many more... it is so fucking hard...

edit: where is this fucking mood swing from depression to euphoria when it's needed??

This fucking burning pain inside, like hole full of fire and void...

Today is hard to me. I have to isolate almost every day, everyone irritate me, I am scare of me blowing out.

Fucking bpd. Today is day when I am doubting everything in my life. From my past and from present.

Why I am even in hospital? There is no meds **for** bpd. There is no cure. This is fucking curse for life. What I am doing?

There is no one to help me. No one to understand. Every day in earphones, brainlessly playing games on phone or reading book. Everyone are so annoying noisy, so "Oh my dear, how are you feeling?". Like shit, but there is no other patient who will understand. I am only borderline soul here. No friends, no family, no visits, no hope...

Fuck I am so lonely in my pain. Today is 8th day here, there will be many more... it is so fucking hard...

edit: where is this fucking mood swing from depression to euphoria when it's needed??

From couple months I was experiencing wery rapid and dangerous mood swings. I was choosing violence as answer to every conflict with partner.

I had outbursts of madness, agression, literally blackouts from anger.

Hour after I could just cry and look at damages - partner's tears, stuff throwed everywear, damaged things... Then depression hit and I was laying on the flood, crying and begging for punishment.

I was cutting myself after some of this episodes, but the last time partner noticed my pattern - after outburst I quaietly closed myself in bathroom. He acted quickly and took my knife before I did anything.

We talked, we jelled at each other, there were tears and hugs... Final decision was that I can't just move out to try fix thing from distance.

I admitted myself at psyhiatric hospital. I asked for help even when I was scary of bpd stigma, being sended home with just a paper. But doctor listened to me, to everything, every detail. They will try to help me manage those blow ups, mood swings, anger and agression issues.

This will be easly 4-6 weeks. But I packed myself, drive to the hospital that I know and being here will be more comfortable than in new hostital. I signed papers.

Time to manage my demons. Time to ask for help even I am scared.

I really hope to not get banned for being too active here. But for now I have no one to ask.

Are supplements and meds intake should be changed after flair?

I was on and off iron (med, not supplement) for anemia (now I know from where). But I had to take a one-two months of break because after some time I was feeling after some time of taking just sick for stomach (uncomfort, mild ache, nausea). My doctor know this, said that basicly I should just do what makes me better without feeling worse.

Now my iron is lower again after my first flair and bleeding. I have feeling that I should go back to the iron pills, but also I don't want upsed stomach.

I also have problem adjusting with pain killers, because I was on naproxen for long and I don't know what else will work without buying bulk of new meds...

I will talk to my family doctor soon, right after I get my biopsy resoults. But I wanted some answers sooner. Thank you!

(Yeah, those resoults- isn't after all I went a just formaly? they said bacteria or uc, tests for toxins were negative sooo...? is it possible to have something else from biopsy when all symptomes are screaming UC including doctors saying this is looking exacly like?)

Hi, I was discharged yesterday and feeling quite normal I decide I can do all what I was doing before hospital.

What a dumb me!

It was hot, I had my stuff from 11 day hospitalisation, I bought water and bisquits. I went to childchood hospital for old documents "because I have time", changed route and went to the clinic for IBD patients. As "for cito" patient I have first appointment at november so I really hope to survive to that day... Then some groceries and after max 3h I was in home.

Failing body told me it was too much. First - everything was out off my hands, I dropped most of things I took. I needed couple hours to convince my stomach to take couple plain bread-turkey ham snadwitches.

I took by "visual memory mistake" (in hospital it was 2 tabs so...) double dose of mesalasine (sorry if bad name, I am tired). When I was able to focuse, I put my pills to the boxes day-night so I have it ready for a week.

I couldn't sleep properly because my whole body got sore, I had multiple musle cramps, my head was killing me (I still don't know what painkillers I can have, this will be known in fucking november - but those I was taking before hospital got banned for me as they can thinner the blood, and paracetamol don't work).

When I woke up, I was bearly moving. I didn't think that coming to life after bleeding and days of diharrea will be so long (again stupid me).

I had store bought dough for pizza, on its final day so I just throw it on pan and made smth like big crackers. Ate few bites, took right meds in right dosed and fell asleep for couple hours.

Please be honest with me, you are so supportive people - I know this is individual but what time of partial recovery can be? I need go back to work, I have loan to pay off and now additional debt because I don't have money till 10. august... And right now I don't see myself being able to went for better groceries... (Maybe some simple-safe recepies to share?)

Thanks in advice🌷

edit: I didn't want to confuse anyone. I got better at hospital, was under observation and discharged days after sympthoms are gone. All rant is about how all this took a toll on me, how weak I am

I will be out of hospital in next days. I am stressed. I don't leave my hospital room and didn't tell anyone why, just excuises that I like my blanked, I am sleepy, I have a book...

I am scared. I don't have orientation where toilets are. I don't trust my body. One louder noise from stomach and I am in toilet just in case.

I have bowel movements or what it is called when they are giving me liquid medicine you know where. Twice a day. This make me basicly not move at all for about hour and then I am axcious for next two.

I am carefull to not eat food that doctor said it is too early. No lactose, no raws, no beans ect.

Is this how life looks like "outside" when I will start living on meds? Will it be menagable by myself? How long it takes to calm the situation...and how fast the bad phase can come back? After one bad meal? Day before exam bc of stress?

Just looking for your stories and advices. I already have my problems, I don't need more to social anxiety that I have rn from them.

ps. does anyone have also diagnosed "non-alcoholic fat liver" or smth? I was told I might have it too and this is somehow related (55kg/160cm/25y but bad diet and no activity so...)

Today is 8th day since I was addmitted in hospital because bleeding. Diagnosed couse - autoimmune disease of large intestine.

Plan was to observe me utill I am stable and send me home, but two days ago my stomach started to hurt in diffrent place. My doc looked concern when I told him, he set me for two more things for tomorrow to be sure. He isn't telling me much which worry me, but if he isn't sure - what he will tell me?

So I am alone in two person room, first patient went home, second after her...got moved...let's say.

I am in contact with my partner, he was here twice to fast give me neccessery stuff (first time he couldn't see me because it was 2 am, second time he had minute-two running late to his own appointment after work).

Some nurse showed me sympathy and asked couple times why he don't sitting here, she clearly think that he have to. But he can't - we have 2 cats to take care, renovation that totally fell only on his head without me, besides he was super sick just days before I got here. She don't get this and this slightly feeding my fears.

When I am here, he have to be independent. Deal with everything alone, take care of my choirs and my responsibilitis too. He had to do double amound of work and I see he have not enough rest to just sit with me. And he is so fucking good with being by himself. Yeah, he will ask me about where did I put something or rant how much mess I left in places where I supposed to clean...but he is doing well.

Unlike me. I am using my time to scroll, read, listen, watch...and worry. He don't need me. Out relationship is specyfic, kinda toxic from trauma bonding beetween us, from our experiences with my bpd, his issues for 10 year...

Every day I don't want to go home and badly want to come. Because my bpd see only black and white exits here:

⚪ I will come back, make recovery, start to take care not only of me but better help him (when I see diabetic patients, I don't want him to get diabeties - he have weight problem, partialy my foult from earlier years, but I am doing shopping and cooking and here my help will be more visible. He is moving, being active and I feed him what is good, not just what he/me crave.

⚫ I will come back, make recovery and move out. Faster or slower, but for good. Because he already see and is honest with it:

"It is harder without you, but when you starting to be annoying or hurting me, I can just mute you. I don't need to check on your mood, I don't have to stress about your splits. I don't like to be alone at all and I am feeling depressed, but I can do now things without this internal fear what do you do in the next moment."

This also made me angry at myself, because when he is telling me that he can be dangerously sick because of all of this stress and fear, and bad sleep and bad diet... I am distansing myself, telling that he is adult, I am not responsible for his emotions (that I am cousing), sleep schedule (which I interrupt) or what he is eating (when I am buying and prepping food). I am not helping him to abvoid sickness for life, but at the same time I really want to be healthier. I am acting blind to risks that are at him and doind things for better when same risk is at me.

So I am scared. I am angry at myself. And I am so fucking alone.

Today is 8th day since I was addmitted in hospital because bleeding. Diagnosed couse - autoimmune disease of large intestine.

Plan was to observe me utill I am stable and send me home, but two days ago my stomach started to hurt in diffrent place. My doc looked concern when I told him, he set me for two more things for tomorrow to be sure. He isn't telling me much which worry me, but if he isn't sure - what he will tell me?

So I am alone in two person room, first patient went home, second after her...got moved...let's say.

I am in contact with my partner, he was here twice to fast give me neccessery stuff (first time he couldn't see me because it was 2 am, second time he had minute-two running late to his own appointment after work).

Some nurse showed me sympathy and asked couple times why he don't sitting here, she clearly think that he have to. But he can't - we have 2 cats to take care, renovation that totally fell only on his head without me, besides he was super sick just days before I got here. She don't get this and this slightly feeding my fears.

When I am here, he have to be independent. Deal with everything alone, take care of my choirs and my responsibilitis too. He had to do double amound of work and I see he have not enough rest to just sit with me. And he is so fucking good with being by himself. Yeah, he will ask me about where did I put something or rant how much mess I left in places where I supposed to clean...but he is doing well.

Unlike me. I am using my time to scroll, read, listen, watch...and worry. He don't need me. Out relationship is specyfic, kinda toxic from trauma bonding beetween us, from our experiences with my bpd, his issues for 10 year...

Every day I don't want to go home and badly want to come. Because my bpd see only black and white exits here:

⚪ I will come back, make recovery, start to take care not only of me but better help him (when I see diabetic patients, I don't want him to get diabeties - he have weight problem, partialy my foult from earlier years, but I am doing shopping and cooking and here my help will be more visible. He is moving, being active and I feed him what is good, not just what he/me crave.

⚫ I will come back, make recovery and move out. Faster or slower, but for good. Because he already see and is honest with it:

"It is harder without you, but when you starting to be annoying or hurting me, I can just mute you. I don't need to check on your mood, I don't have to stress about your splits. I don't like to be alone at all and I am feeling depressed, but I can do now things without this internal fear what do you do in the next moment."

This also made me angry at myself, because when he is telling me that he can be dangerously sick because of all of this stress and fear, and bad sleep and bad diet... I am distansing myself, telling that he is adult, I am not responsible for his emotions (that I am cousing), sleep schedule (which I interrupt) or what he is eating (when I am buying and prepping food). I am not helping him to abvoid sickness for life, but at the same time I really want to be healthier. I am acting blind to risks that are at him and doind things for better when same risk is at me.

So I am scared. I am angry at myself. And I am so fucking alone.

I am 5th day in hospital bc of sudden bleeding and got diagnose... To this day I had about 20 IVs, 4 blood checks, 6 sugar checks, sigmoidoscopy with biopsy, they are giving me meds to the...sick place..., pills, drops.

After 2 days of nothing I got rice gruel and water. They added me sweet tea for too low sugar (it was the most delicious tea in my life and I am tea lover sooo). Today I got my first light meal, but they don't have clinical nutitionist on place so finally I could safety ate about half of food. Doctor for the next day made me the note for kitchen with safe food.

I am quite depressed with this. I was told that I can be feeling better with couple days but after coming home I will have to be on strict diet couple weeks and on careful diet for at leat couple months.

I already have diagnosed GERD and anemia. I have also metal problems like BPD and ADHD. Cherry on top - narcolepsy.

This is exosting to just thing that I have now balanced diet more, excluded more, take more meds....

How are you holding up? Any advice maybe?

bpd cousing stress in every day life it ruin sleep it ruin relationship with food it ruin safe boundries with body for years i have sleep problems, meds, teas, music, light/no light, calming routine... never really halped i developed another level of bind eating - from just eating sweets to cheer up, i am just showing EVERYTHING i can find in kitchen, in the shop aile, to the stomach ache and pain i don't have money for good bpd tharapy and regular therapists are rejecting me because of diagnose i suffer hair loss due to the whole package of stress, sleep problems, bad diet and being inhealthy

and now fucking WHAT?? I am 5th day in hospital bc of sudden bleeding with diagnose of quite hard and dangerous chronic illness...

fuck bpd, fuck my guts, fuck my life.... just fuck

bpd cousing stress in every day life it ruin sleep it ruin relationship with food it ruin safe boundries with body for years i have sleep problems, meds, teas, music, light/no light, calming routine... never really halped i developed another level of bind eating - from just eating sweets to cheer up, i am just showing EVERYTHING i can find in kitchen, in the shop aile, to the stomach ache and pain i don't have money for good bpd tharapy and regular therapists are rejecting me because of diagnose i suffer hair loss due to the whole package of stress, sleep problems, bad diet and being inhealthy

and now fucking WHAT?? I am 5th day in hospital bc of sudden bleeding with diagnose of quite hard and dangerous chronic illness...

fuck bpd, fuck my guts, fuck my life.... just fuck

Months ago my bpd went sky high when he said something that supposed be a "joke" about my cists in my breast. I am insecure af about my body amd how I look, he know this and often "joke" about me. So he used this too.

Cists just gone in newest usg scan, they were there for about two years, hurt and changed shape. Some day PUF and gone - haha his time for another joke about "cicts also can't live with me too long"

Today I got news about cists down there ... (POC). I am bleeding in middle of cycle when taking birthcontrol so my doctor is kinda concern. But I didn't told him about it. I can't handle his "jokes", I am already on edge of just spliting and just fucking moving out in rage because small things like "you can't wear earrings bc of some shit from the past" (if I put them, he got mad, ignore me, made faces etc). Today he did same thing abou new bag I bought myself while ago and wanted took to the appoingment.

So yeah, I feel like I am gonna to split about his jokes and defending bad, and ended homeless .

Why??!

Tell me what you think about it, because I am feeling like creazy one.

When my fucked brain started somehow making comparisments beetween my partner now and old memories of my horrible father, I was on edge. Like he (partner) just sat on chair and boom - I had in head picture of father sitting in simillar maner when he was about giving me monologe about how disapointed of me he is.

When my dreams started to fill with people (good and bad) from my last - lost friends, false friends, coworkers, some one/two times people from idk classes? I just can't get normal night sleep. I am waking up after 2-3h, couple times and after 10h in bed I am so tired and angry. (I also have narcolepsy and adhd which make me more sleepy and distracted during day and with this shit I can't focuse on **anything**!)

And now everything looks simillar, my brain desperatly trying to connect present and past!

I have start again hearing and seeing some things that aren't real, my doctor last time told me that I have predisposition to this, but because it is not jet hallucination by medical definition, he can't prescribe me anything. He just advided to got to the hospital when this will start worry me more or disturbed my normal (haha) functionality.

So I am fucked. Every day I am THIS CLOSE 🤏🏼 from hard split, I don't know how I was able to handle this shit so long, but my energy and time is running thin...

Tell me what you think about it, because I am feeling like creazy one.

When my fucked brain started somehow making comparisments beetween my partner now and old memories of my horrible father, I was on edge. Like he (partner) just sat on chair and boom - I had in head picture of father sitting in simillar maner when he was about giving me monologe about how disapointed of me he is.

When my dreams started to fill with people (good and bad) from my last - lost friends, false friends, coworkers, some one/two times people from idk classes? I just can't get normal night sleep. I am waking up after 2-3h, couple times and after 10h in bed I am so tired and angry. (I also have narcolepsy and adhd which make me more sleepy and distracted during day and with this shit I can't focuse on **anything**!)

And now everything looks simillar, my brain desperatly trying to connect present and past!

I have start again hearing and seeing some things that aren't real, my doctor last time told me that I have predisposition to this, but because it is not jet hallucination by medical definition, he can't prescribe me anything. He just advided to got to the hospital when this will start worry me more or disturbed my normal (haha) functionality.

So I am fucked. Every day I am THIS CLOSE 🤏🏼 from hard split, I don't know how I was able to handle this shit so long, but my energy and time is running thin...

Tell me what you think about it, because I am feeling like creazy one.

When my fucked brain started somehow making comparisments beetween my partner now and old memories of my horrible father, I was on edge. Like he (partner) just sat on chair and boom - I had in head picture of father sitting in simillar maner when he was about giving me monologe about how disapointed of me he is.

When my dreams started to fill with people (good and bad) from my last - lost friends, false friends, coworkers, some one/two times people from idk classes? I just can't get normal night sleep. I am waking up after 2-3h, couple times and after 10h in bed I am so tired and angry. (I also have narcolepsy and adhd which make me more sleepy and distracted during day and with this shit I can't focuse on **anything**!)

And now everything looks simillar, my brain desperatly trying to connect present and past!

I have start again hearing and seeing some things that aren't real, my doctor last time told me that I have predisposition to this, but because it is not jet hallucination by medical definition, he can't prescribe me anything. He just advided to got to the hospital when this will start worry me more or disturbed my normal (haha) functionality.

So I am fucked. Every day I am THIS CLOSE 🤏🏼 from hard split, I don't know how I was able to handle this shit so long, but my energy and time is running thin...

Couple days ago I posted about me meeting my older brother by accident in my workplace.

So I finally told my partner. He said that he wouldn't act like me, but he wasn't on my place so...what happend happend and it is nothing important.

But this short talk opened me with some trust to partner and I broke into tears. I told him what brother told me and that I basicly feel nothing about this news, just it was jump for me - there was nothing and now some big informations without warning.

So... my grandfather have a cancer. Probably bladder, because years ago he had "something removed from stomach" my grandma said. This was probably our last talk because they refuse me then bed to sleep after I told them directly that I am not safe in my home and have no money for last minute rent/motel/whatever. They have two empty rooms with beds and livingroom with sofa. They just didn't care...

But I broke into tears not because his health, but I am feeling like monster. When I heard about cancer, my first thought was: "Good, he deserves it".

Why?

He was in military, he didn't fight or anything back then, he was "desk-army". He liked to drink, to the dinner, for celebration, to relax. But he drank more that normal people, you today could just labeled him as alcoholic. He is short temper, easly blowing and easly getting angry. Now add %... For my mother belt was everyday discipline - for her tone, messy room, grades in shool, being late. He and his wife married young, she was 18 so there was no way that she was more that over her heels for this handsome military man.

And now my childchood - with impulsive, explosive mother who controled and manipulated me. She called me names, shouted slurs, looked into my belongings, read my messeges in phone etc.

So my brain connected it and cancer news just sparked this burried chain. All of it is his foult. He is responsible for making my mother control freak, self-center angry bitch. And she ruined me.

Am I a monster for blaming him and not even considering a call after years no contact to check on him before he die?

Also... brother took my number and didn't even messege me once. So I just assume he is like he was years ago - big just in mouth toward me.

Couple days ago I posted about me meeting my older brother by accident in my workplace.

So I finally told my partner. He said that he wouldn't act like me, but he wasn't on my place so...what happend happend and it is nothing important.

But this short talk opened me with some trust to partner and I broke into tears. I told him what brother told me and that I basicly feel nothing about this news, just it was jump for me - there was nothing and now some big informations without warning.

So... my grandfather have a cancer. Probably bladder, because years ago he had "something removed from stomach" my grandma said. This was probably our last talk because they refuse me then bed to sleep after I told them directly that I am not safe in my home and have no money for last minute rent/motel/whatever. They have two empty rooms with beds and livingroom with sofa. They just didn't care...

But I broke into tears not because his health, but I am feeling like monster. When I heard about cancer, my first thought was: "Good, he deserves it".

Why?

He was in military, he didn't fight or anything back then, he was "desk-army". He liked to drink, to the dinner, for celebration, to relax. But he drank more that normal people, you today could just labeled him as alcoholic. He is short temper, easly blowing and easly getting angry. Now add %... For my mother belt was everyday discipline - for her tone, messy room, grades in shool, being late. He and his wife married young, she was 18 so there was no way that she was more that over her heels for this handsome military man.

And now my childchood - with impulsive, explosive mother who controled and manipulated me. She called me names, shouted slurs, looked into my belongings, read my messeges in phone etc.

So my brain connected it and cancer news just sparked this burried chain. All of it is his foult. He is responsible for making my mother control freak, self-center angry bitch. And she ruined me.

Am I a monster for blaming him and not even considering a call after years no contact to check on him before he die?

Also... brother took my number and didn't even messege me once. So I just assume he is like he was years ago - big just in mouth toward me.