r/BPDJourney

never expected I’d be the one crashing out . She is very kind and I love her empathetic nature . But there are moments I’m always just getting reminded that I’m dumb and stupid I never listen I never try . The cussing , the davaluation , the “MY FEELINGS DONT MATTER. The threatening of relationships . I try my best to be patient with her . But I’m losing my sanity , literally I’m going insane begging for gentle communication just begging to just not cuss and treat each other with respect . When I cry to her I get called out as manipulative and gaslighter . NO , IM CRYING BECAUSE WE DO NOT TALK LIKE WERE TOGETHER AND ITS MAKING INSANE .

I fucking care about her too much. She can cry to me all she wants and I want her to be vulnerable with her feelings to me and I also want her to cry to me . But when I do the same I’m the problem . When I cry when I communicate what hurts me all of a sudden I’m the problem .

and Like damn I know I don’t listen I know I’m not perfect but I don’t need a reminder I don’t need to know I’m dumb I’m stupid . I understand bpd is a curse it hurts . But you all need to respect your partners . Ask healthily for space . Be clear when they annoy you when you want to communicate later. Tell them you love them but you need space . Because the pain is too much . All of a sudden you feel like they love you and then one moment in that same day they can treat you like ur the worst person of all time. I gave her a bunch of texts of How she’s right that I am just stupid and dumb that I deserve to be cussed at that I don’t deserve to be heard that I don’t deserve to be respected . I crashed out I crashed out . I try to be so patient but i crashed out and idk what to do anymore . I will need space for this one .

I'm 19F, from Asia, and my life feels like trauma, restrictions, resentment, failed opportunities, and relationships I create so I do not have to sit alone with myself.

I grew up in a controlling environment. My family stopped me from pursuing scholarships and interviews I qualified for. I am stuck at a university I hate, watching others move forward while I stay in the same place.

I cannot go places freely, lie about basic things, and have no privacy. Even taking the SAT or IELTS would require sneaking around, transport, and managing my family’s reactions. My brain feels like it has 100 tabs open.

I also have childhood sexual trauma, but my relationship with that memory is disturbing. Sometimes I question whether it was even abuse because I remember feeling physical pleasure and sometimes going back. Part of me thinks I exaggerated it to explain why my life went wrong. Another part knows I was a child and did not understand what was happening.

Recently, I said cruel things to my boyfriend. I told him I might only love him because the relationship distracts me.

I admitted that I choose emotionally unstable or struggling men because I like believing I can fix them and become the person who transformed their life. It makes me feel important.

When they do not change enough, I lose interest, feel superior, detach, and leave. Later, I count what they did for me and what I did for them to decide whether I should feel guilty.

I told my boyfriend I might ghost him and that I would want to leave first. During one call, I acted like I was crying because I did not want to admit the situation was my fault. Someone was beside me, and I laughed afterward. I wanted comfort instead of accountability.

I know this is manipulative. I am not posting this so people can reassure me that I am secretly good because I had a difficult childhood. Trauma may explain behaviour, but it does not excuse it.

I think I call myself “dark” because it sounds more powerful than admitting I am terrified of rejection, abandonment, being ordinary, powerless, or fully seen.

I reject people before they can reject me. Being needed feels safer than being known by someone equal to me.

I turn relationships into transactions involving gifts, sex, advice, sacrifice, and influence. I keep track of what I gave and what they gave. Sometimes I wonder whether I love people or only the role I play.

At the same time, I am miserable. I feel trapped. I hate my body and fear future health problems. I want to study somewhere better and feel like I am living instead of surviving.

I am angry at my family, the adults who knew what happened and never protected me, God, and myself. I am angry about wasting time, failing academically, and expecting some future opportunity to rescue me.

I have been in dark places mentally, without graphic details here. I am trying to understand my behaviour before I repeat it.

I do not want generic advice.

Am I emotionally abusive?

Is this trauma, or am I using trauma to avoid responsibility?

Can someone love another person while also using them for distraction, validation, control, sex, or support?

How do I stop choosing people based on how much I can change them?

How do I tolerate being ordinary, alone, accountable, and unable to control how someone sees me?

How do I tell self-awareness from self-hatred pretending to be intelligence?

Please be blunt, but do not make this entertainment. I can already humiliate myself without assistance.

Good afternoon guys, I am grasping at straws to figure out how to get through my relationship with my wife. She got pregnant because we had an existential fight before I deployed and if I wore the condom “I did not love her”. She has a daughter whom I love dearly and am called Dada from her. We met shortly before the deployment and she took me in, my belongings, and we rapidly got serious before most of the problems arose. When we first started dating I went to an annual training before the deployment and she saw pictures of my ex wife on instagram and that triggered extreme jealousy and anger towards me as if I still loved my ex wife. She slept with someone, got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I accepted her apology for the event and me texting my ex-wife after a major flood in my home town became me reaching out to see if we’d get back together and fully equal to her physical cheating. Fast forward and I am a cheater for watching porn. I agree that it’s a vice but it’s still not cheating. Fast forward throughout deployment she calls me a piece of shit, I vented to another female about my problems and made no sexual advances and I was considered a cheater. Probably wasn’t the best outlet but I wanted to know that I am not crazy and that these demands were crazy. I now can have no contact with this female or any other female without triggering extreme responses, isolating myself. I would never cheat, I cheated in my prior marriage and was absolutely destroyed by the guilt and nastiness of it. Funny thing, when I express that to my now wife she accuses me of still loving my ex because I feel guilty… Meanwhile I am facing real threats to my life. I do not know what to do when I get home. Do I try and get custody of my son and run, do I try and make it work? I don’t know. I cannot walk around or be remotely near a woman without her triggered. Or on great days a suggested YouTube video could set her off and we go line by line on everything I fucked up on and she loves to add facts to how I said something in two different contexts into one like “I called her fat… she was pregnant and post partum and I was trying to explain my attraction and that it wasn’t sexual while she was carrying our son. I just thought of the gift of the baby not pervy desire which was a problem to her. Please help!

Is anyone taking medication that helps with their emotional regulation/reactivity?
I am in therapy and while it does sometimes help, i feel like i could use a bit more help.

I was on lexapro years ago and it didn’t settle well.

I just keep hurting myself and others