r/BPDJourney

I’ve been in therapy for so long and I can tell when I have a BPD episode where I split and what not.

However in scenarios sometimes I’m like are things a big deal cause of my BPD or are they reasonable?

My bf has a close friend who he dated briefly 9 years ago, and I have extreme discomfort with it even though they haven’t had anything since. At first I expressed it and he made it clear he won’t cut her off since she’s apart of the friend group. We made a compromise that I don’t feel comfortable with weekend trips away as a group if she’s there but hanging out is okay. The friend group planned a cottage trip and invited her (and me) and I feel extremely uncomfortable going because I know my brain is going to work with retroactive jealousy, and I’ll spiral at every interaction. I also feel hurt because he says he’s going and there’s nothing he can do about it since it was his plan to book one but his friends invited her.

I’m not sure what to do but I feel hurt that this is happening, am I valid?

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for two years and doing DBT for just about three. I’m frustrated because so many of this skills don’t work for me. It’s even more discouraging that remission rate is so high but I don’t feel receptive to most of the skills. TIPP works great and is the only consistent one, but everything else just… seems to fall through for me. I want to get better, I don’t wanna feel like this all the time. But I can’t help but feel stuck and like this won’t help me. I almost feel like I’m at an impasse where I’ve gotten as “better” as I can and will. I know that’s not true. It doesn’t matter what I know to be true or not. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like this. And that applies to most things in DBT for me. It is so incredibly discouraging.

I know comorbidities are probably a factor, and that it’s hard to work on one thing if other things are affecting it. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. How long until we can decide whether or not anything’s working? because I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t feel like I’ll ever go into remission and I don’t have a problem with whether I do or don’t. I don’t care.

A part of me wonders what factors prevent a person from going into remission. I just wanna know why I struggle with DBT so hard. I’m so tired of this…

Lately I almost have more respect and dare I say gratitude for the people who have hurt me by choosing to remove themselves from my life than the people who have stuck around but keep constantly rubbing my past actions in my face.

Does it SUCK to lose friends completely because they were upset about things I said and did when I was having a very hard time? Yes. Obviously.

But it also really monumentally sucks to have people who act like they’re standing by me and act like they are compassionate and understanding about my struggles with mental illness and act like they believe in me…only for them to continually use my mental illness to shame me, doubt me, guilt trip me, or otherwise throw things in my face.

And it’s not like I’m asking people to forget something that happened recently (or forget anything at all for that matter) but I’m asking that people who CHOOSE to stay in my life and SAY they are standing by me to move on from mistakes I made A LONG TIME ago and stop throwing them in my face and using them as tools to try to control my CURRENT choices.

Like, you’re supposed to be in my corner but you’re telling me that you can’t give me the benefit of the doubt TODAY because of something I said when I was having a horrendous mental time YEARS ago?

You’re supposedly my friend who has compassion about my mental illness but you tell me you “don’t want to take sides” when someone who you’re not even friends with (and who has been proven to have it out for me) accuses me of something that I’m telling you I didn’t do.

You claim to be part of my support system but when I tell you that I’m struggling with something your FIRST reaction is to tell me that you won’t hesitate to report me to the police and “to my potential victims” if you think I might “be in a dangerous place”.

And like, I AM and have been sorry for any stress I’ve caused the people in my life who’ve stood by me, and I AM grateful for them standing by me through it. But at what point am I done being punished? At what point does it stop being appropriate for people who are meant to support me to “call me out” and remind me of things I’ve done wrong and tell me that they don’t trust me?

And what point should I tell them to get out of my life if this is how they feel about me?