u/Friendly-Passion-266

I thought I worked very hard on myself, my friends constantly tell me that over 10 years I’ve transformed myself completely.

I was mostly single during these time periods with situationships and one emotionally abusive relationship.

Now I’m in a 1.5 year relationship and the cycle we’re in is toxic and I do believe it’s mostly me ruining it.
I let my emotions get the better of me, I have self harmed, I can reflect and see that I’ve been manipulative without even trying to me. I feel like I’ve regressed. Not to say there hasn’t been bad in this relationship on his end, at the start he did a lot of things that hurt me. But now he’s growing and becoming a better partner. I want to do the same, I want to be less codependent less controlling and less reactive. I struggle with this deeply.

Does anyone relate/have tips on how to be better for someone ur dating? I find when I’m single basically 90% of my symptoms feel manageable

Is anyone taking medication that helps with their emotional regulation/reactivity?
I am in therapy and while it does sometimes help, i feel like i could use a bit more help.

I was on lexapro years ago and it didn’t settle well.

The last time I did this was last April (2025) and that was because I had pneumonia and was recovering from rhadbo. The longest I’ve gone since then was two weeks.

I’m a huge social drinker meaning I literally never drink alone and all my heavy drinking is done on the weekends but im talking sometimes 10-11 drinks in a night and I go out with friends at least once every weekend. I like to go out dancing and socializing and give super easy into peer pressure esp because my partner drinks. It helps a ton he’s going to commit to 30 days with me.

I want to work on losing weight and healing my liver (I have a mild fatty liver). I’m not sure what randomly came over me but this time I’m committed and want to stick to it. I made sure to make non going out plans on my weekends but I know I may struggle when the weekend comes and I have a free day especially in the summer (i live in a big city where patios are a huge thing to do).

My goal is that I can lock in and hopefully when I do drink I drink significantly less and also have momentum to focus on my health goals. If I need to do longer, hey I might but for now I want to take it day by day. Making this post to help me stay accountable. I’m 28 so I hope I can make some good lifestyle changes.

I’ve been in therapy for so long and I can tell when I have a BPD episode where I split and what not.

However in scenarios sometimes I’m like are things a big deal cause of my BPD or are they reasonable?

My bf has a close friend who he dated briefly 9 years ago, and I have extreme discomfort with it even though they haven’t had anything since. At first I expressed it and he made it clear he won’t cut her off since she’s apart of the friend group. We made a compromise that I don’t feel comfortable with weekend trips away as a group if she’s there but hanging out is okay. The friend group planned a cottage trip and invited her (and me) and I feel extremely uncomfortable going because I know my brain is going to work with retroactive jealousy, and I’ll spiral at every interaction. I also feel hurt because he says he’s going and there’s nothing he can do about it since it was his plan to book one but his friends invited her.

I’m not sure what to do but I feel hurt that this is happening, am I valid?