r/AdultDepression

The question may pose two situations that aren’t comparable, and if that is the case, please tell me.

I mean the question earnestly though.

Over the last three years, I’ve been hopeful that each night I go to sleep that I do not wake up the next morning. I’m 39 and have suffered from major depressive disorder since I was a teenager. During that time over the last three years, I feel I’ve done all the “right” things: I put myself in an outpatient program at a mental health institution for two weeks after an aborted attempt; I’ve been seeing a therapist weekly the entire time, even switching when I realized a therapist was not a good match for me; I’ve tried 13 different medications in the form of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, ADHD, anti-depressant companions/boosters, SNRIs, SSRIs, you name it; and I’ve improved my diet and exercise levels.

I still wake up every morning devastated that I’m still here.

The few friends and family I have left tell me I need to keep going. “Keep going until I’ve turned over every stone, explored every possible treatment,” they say. Sure, I haven’t tried the more experimental treatments like ketamine, but I’ve done virtually everything else.

It’s gotten to the point where options are becoming very scarce, and those that remain have little efficacy. Basically, it feels like my life is being artificially propped up by a chemical scaffold of heavy stimulants and mood stabilizers.

I’m not living. I’m just alive.

Meanwhile, someone gets into a serious car crash, winds up in a comatose state on life support in a hospital, but after a certain amount of time and treatments, we understand there is a point where you have to accept it’s over. Why are we as a society unable to have that clarity and acceptance for people like me whose brains are simply so broken and malfunctioning that they do not want to continue living?

I have had anorexia, depression, and anxiety for forty years. I am tired. I don't want to go on at all but don't feel I have a choice because I can't hurt my children that way. I wake up every day dreading the day ahead. How do I get through this without just giving up? I have had years of therapy, tried every medication, and tried inpatient treatment for my anorexia more times than I can count. Nothing has helped long term.

Had a really nasty breakup and have fallen into depression. I am on meds and therapy but it’s still so hard to get myself into a different mindset. If you went thru this or are going thru it, what helped?

I am writing this just to gain some insight into what others think of the situation. My best friend and I are 17 in our final year of school. I struggled with depression since I was 12 and since last year have been experiencing suicidal thoughts and tendencies as I no longer had any goals or perception of a future for myself, and cannot function normally anymore (unbeknownst to my friend).There are also other reasons which I will not get into right now. 3 months ago, my best friend took his own life which uprooted our whole worlds, and was a shock/unexpected to everyone (we had no idea he was feeling this way). I saw first hand the repercussions of his actions and do believe that no matter what circumstance he was in, he deserved to live and would have lived a good life. However, it is either the pain I am in or my holistic and somewhat objective view of my life, but I feel that my life is meant to end now. That things will likely permanently be difficult and I do not want to continue. I feel it would be best for everyone, however I know for a fact that his suicide was not best for everyone and he deserved to live. I know this is making me a hypocrite, but I also don't think I deserve to survive if he didn't and cannot see anything improving (I also don't have anything, whether it be responsibilities or purpose, to live for). His death and other factors also caused my family life and social life to fall apart, so I also don't have that to live for and believe things will permanently be damaged in that regard. Does anyone have any insight into if this is common after experiencing a suicide loss and what you think?

Do you think someone who doesn’t love themselves & lives a pessimistic way of thinking , suffers from deep depression, capable of having a significant other?

Not really sure where to start. Life has been shit and I’m tired. Tired of surviving (this definitely isn’t living), tired of being needed and no one ever being there for me, tired of carrying everyone’s load, just tired.

It seems like no matter how much I BEG for help or for someone to see they still don’t. How much can a person take?

There’s no way for therapy, no way to get any mental assistance, I’m just fucked and fighting every urge not to just end it.

Not sure what the point of this was but here it is.

I can't. I am losing everything. My husband divorced me and left me with a child with no support. He is kicking me out of the house. I have been abused and depressed and our daughter is only 9 months old. I am physically sick and I have no job. I need to go back to live with my parents who used do abuse me too. I don't think I can make it much longer. I am exhausted and haven't slept for months because of my daughter. Nobody is helping me. I have severe health problems. I am barely alive. I walk like a Zombie. I make through the day just because of her. Because I am the only one to take care of her. Every day I think i should kill myself. I don't know how much longer I can survive. I lost all hope. I was trying to get better to get a diagnosis to get some treatment but failed. I just lost all hope for any improvement. I lost my life. It is the end for me. I can't see any hope

I suffer and struggle and he just kicked us out to leave the house in two weeks. I am so sad I want to cry all day but I can't because she is going to cry to. Why I even write this. Meanwhile he is playing games in the basement laughing like nothing is happening. Why have I done this to myself why I ruined my life it's all my fault how could I do it. My heart hurts so much I think I will just collapse from exhaustion

I'm 40m who is married with 2 kids and completely hates my life! I've been cheated on with all of what I thought was friends. All my family lives in different states, which I'm also the black sheep of the family. I have attempted to end it all 3 different times now, which just puts me in the mental hospital. Having nobody to turn when times are hard like this is overwhelming and exhausting. Would much never rather not wake up anymore!

I’ve head extreme apathy my entire life and there’s not point to my existence. Don’t care about anything except my soul dog who died. Should I just kill myself? Nothing to live for.

I was a heavy weed smoker for close to 20
years and finally quit for good. I stopped throughout the years, but only for short periods of time.

I have never felt so purposeless and worthless like I do now. I can barely get myself out of bed and it’s starting to scare me.

I quite smoking August 1, 2026

Last time I quite was Jan 2024 - July 2024, I remember feeling depressed than to but not as bad as I do now.

Any advice or tips, besides hopping on anti depressants

I’ve been having trouble defeating my depression for the past few years. It’s always just hits me out of nowhere it first started out me feeling completely empty and hollow. But it seems like once I find something to fill it, whatever it is either shrinks or the emptiness feelings gets bigger. I always keeps smiling and try to push through it. I gym, temporarily play piano, I run (6 minute mile time) and jump rope. I spar time to time. I paint and work. I’ve tried looking for a partner but when I succeeded it didn’t feel right. I’ve stopped playing video games and started exploring new music. I try to hangout with friends but I keep coming back to constantly wanting to be alone. I just want to be okay or just better… like I want to feel fulfilled not empty

Does this sound like a high functioning depression man? I can't get my husband to grief therapy.

I'm 16 years together, 14 years married to my husband (whom not Chinese) and the Chinese me trying to understand him, or at least his mindset.

For the last 7 years, I think he is high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed? The whole timeline of everything that happen I have reasons to believe he is functionally depressed.

His older sister died from car accident, leave him as the only son take on the financial care for his sick aging parents.

Fast forward, in 2019, his father died of end stage pancreatic cancer.

----- The same year in 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes my husband keeps with him. Even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

----- In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

He said he loves me very much, and he very afraid of lose me. This was the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

He even prepaid for his funeral arrangement, I said I want cremation (as I'm Buddhist), he wants cremation with me, he told the funeral director when he die, cremate him, and mix his ashes with me and our toddler together, and scatter our ashes.

He said if I die before him, ONE second of grief is enough for him to pull the trigger blow his brain out with the tactical 12 gauge shotgun. I take him seriously because if he can slice his stomach to blood, he can use a shotgun in one second of grief like he said.

--- In 2021, his mom has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze, she also kidney disease/kidney failure. She also has alot of heart problems: heart aortic stenosis, heart aortic aneurysm, and cardiac arrhythmias. 

His mom 5 days out of a week is she in and out of the hospital for treatments to keep her alive. And my husband for the last 5 years (and still ongoing) has been financially care for his mom, doing everything he can financially to prolong her life.

------------

All this are reasons I believe he has depression, but he seems to function fine outside, as in lives a normal life.

He is an Executive at a big engineering corporate. He said this job salary gives him cushion in money to continue prolong his mother life. He knows this job salary is what prolong his mother life, even with him depress, his career has to go on. His mother depends on his money to continue treatments, he also pays for her Private Nursing Home too.

Monday through Friday after work he drive straight to the Nursing Home to visit his mom before came home. On weekends for one day (Sat or Sun) he bring his mom our marital home so he can care for her, so they have mother and son time. And then take her back to her Nursing Home as he has to work Monday.

He still does his hobbies, hunting deer, outdoor shooting range with his tactical shotguns and riffles, running long distance.

I have told him to go to grief counseling, he put it off, he said after his mom die, as right now he busy. I mean he is busy, his schedules is pack, between his Executive work, his mom, and me. He has no time left.

He keeps said after his mom pass he will go. But wait till after his mom pass, that will add in another death and grief and loss in his list of losses. I want him to go now, but he not want to.

So this is probably going to sound stupid but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I always assumed there would eventually be some point where I’d just become a normal person.

Like I’d wake up one morning and suddenly know what I’m doing with my life. I’d have a routine. I’d call people back. I’d stop making the same mistakes. Maybe I’d own a plant and remember to water it.

Instead I am 31 years old and yesterday I ate shredded cheese directly out of the bag for dinner because cooking felt “emotionally complicated.”

Anyway. I think I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for my life to start. Waiting until I had more money. Until I was happier.

Until I met the right person. Until I stopped hating myself enough to actually do something about it.

And the really annoying part is that I’m starting to realize there probably isn’t going to be a day where I wake up and suddenly feel like a complete human being. There’s just going to be me.

Which feels like a terrible design flaw, honestly. But maybe that's okay.

Maybe being better isn't some huge transformation where you become a completely different person and everyone finally looks at you and says “wow, look how much you've changed.”

Maybe it's just noticing that you're about to do the thing you always do, and then not doing it. Maybe it's calling someone back. Maybe it's getting out of bed even though you don't particularly want to. Maybe it's admitting that you hurt someone without immediately writing a 14-paragraph explanation about why you actually had a very good reason.

I don't know. I'm still figuring it out.

Which is probably what people say right before continuing to make terrible decisions, so we'll see. Anyway thanks for reading. Sorry this got depressing.

I started writing this because I was procrastinating laying down my bed and now I've somehow had a personal breakthrough instead. The dishes remain undefeated. My sleep schedule remains questionable and I've good reasons for hurting everyone.

I’m at a point in life, I don’t want to live anymore. I have a 19 year old daughter, honestly she’s the reason I’m still here. But I’m tired of existing, the pain is too much. I’ve messed up everything in my life.

I’m a m45.
Recently broke up with my partner stuck in a house I can’t afford to live in .
Commute to my job 35 miles away struggling to afford fuel struggling to pay bills and struggling to find money for food and honestly struggling to find a reason to stay alive .

I’m a 36 yo woman with three kids. Husband can barely look up from his phone. I talked to him yesterday ab me struggling and su!cid@l ideation and he had a smile on his face(wtf). My kids are mean af to me & treat me like shii they make me cry daily with their verbal abuse. I have 0 friends and 0 support systems. I have to do everything on my own, I don’t have anyone helping me even when I cry or beg. I also have EDS and chronic pain. I’m on disability so I can’t afford to just leave or even go to a center and stay for any extended period of time. No one cares. I have no one. How tf do I stay alive atp? Long rant I know but if I don’t get help soon I know where I’ll end up going and it’s not earth side.

I spent the last two weeks at least heavily wanting my body to stop functioning. No plan, not thinking of actively doing anything, just wanting an end. Launching my type 2 diabetes into the stratosphere, not giving a shit about my iron levels for my hereditary Hemochromotosis, pissed when I woke up every morning. Today it's like everything is fine. It's so damn tiring climbing up the hill and then plummeting without seeing the top, and then climbing again, repeat. Fucking hell.

I am tired of people asking me to "move on" and "grow up". I am depressed. Something is broken in me. I can't move on without help. Help me. I am cornered.

Like the title says, this has been compounded for many, many years. I see people my age succeed and I’m stuck. I see good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. I’ve tried to be kind and have been rewarded for with disrespect. I had a knife to my carotid artery today but it hurt and I didn’t even puncture the skin. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.