Bye
I’m a 27 year old female with a 6 year old daughter.
I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. I come from a very large family, the oldest girl of 13 kids. I have always been the “black sheep” of the family with the way I’ve acted down to my skin color. I’m Hispanic but they’d always make fun of how dark I was.
Anyways, I am preparing to kill myself.
I have been thinking of ways to do it and I have finally come up with the right one.
I have been taking antidepressants for my anxiety. Unfortunately it has made me really depressed. I have not been to work in almost three weeks now. I have not showered in 3 days now and I am over life.
I come here today because I can’t bring myself to write any letters to anyone separately but I have a strong urge to write. So this is why I’m writing this today.
To my daughter, mama loves you so much and I hope in the next life I am better. You mean absolutely everything to me & I am so honored to have been your mom for the time we had together. Live your life to the fullest baby. Go to college, travel the world, sing your heart out to every song I once loved, remember the good times we had together.
To my brother Noe, I love you. I am so sorry I will be putting you through this trauma but your little sister is so tired. Even from the other side I will always be your biggest fan, keep going brother. Take care of my baby.
To my mom, I love you. I am sorry.
Para mi papa, te quiero muncho viejo y perdóname.
To my sisters, Esmie, keep making your coffees and follow your dreams. I will always be right there with you. If cancer can’t keep you down, nothing can. You go girl! Martha keep being you. Take care of that baby boy. To Melanie, do better girl. You’re so beautiful and to smart to let a boy get the best of you. To Frances, Sofia, Muralla and Leslie .. girls, I am so sorry I wasn’t a better big sister. I hope you can forgive me and think about the good times I did have with you. I love you all.
To Jr we always are bumping heads because I don’t know how to shut up but look at the bright side! You can argue with me all you want now and I’ll have nothing to say.. lol. You’re a smart boy, leave the stupid shit alone and become someone big!
Moses, I am sorry for all the things I promised and didn’t keep. Thank you for making me feel like I was someone, like I mattered.
Matthew, take care of my baby girl. I am so proud of the father you are. Tell her how much I love her.
Joaquin, do your big one brother.. get out of here and take what the world has to offer you.
I love you my brothers.
Tia Panda, thank you for taking your time to talk to me today as I was blabbing on about how I was feeling. Thank you for the advice. Thank you for making me feel seen, heard and loved. After all was said and done, who would’ve known we’d be so close. I love you!
To my Aliyana, baby girl I am so sorry I hurt you. I wish we could’ve rekindled our relationship before I made the decision. I love you so much girly. I hope that in the next life I get to make things right and have us be as close as ever. Be good, take it easy on your dad.
To A, I loved you with everything I had left in me. Go home and go to the beach and think of me. When you see the cusp of the moon, remember how much I loved it.
Lastly, Nick, I am so sorry I have to do this to you. Take care of our daughter. Remind her how much I love her. Take her to see the world, protect her and love her. I know when you look at her, you’ll see me. You’re my dawg, I know this will be hard but keep your head up. Don’t give up. Live for our baby. I love you.
For my funeral, don’t have one.