u/JokeAffectionate2296

I feel like Amy winehouse right before she passed away… misunderstood and pushed to the death of my sanity and ability to think positive or literally anything positive, I don’t have anything.
My anti depressants just make me less angry
I smoke weed to numb myself out even more, I feel numb yet I feel as if I’m spiraling and getting stabbed over and over again.
I wish I could have a miracle to get money to move out on my own.
My family is what makes me go crazy, I’ve been struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies for a while now and they don’t care, they’ve provoked all of my emotional outbursts and then turn around and label me as crazy and immature and impaired and failure and a piece of shit. I’ve hurt them as they were hurting me and just because I cussed at them and yelled they want nothing to do with me.
I wasn’t always like this tho, they’ve pushed me to this point and I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT TO DO
I want to live I want to breathe I want to succeed I want to work I want to do things I want to drive for a ridiculous amount of time to God knows where
I need help and I’m ashamed to admit it but I’m lost and drowning

I’m 22f I’m still in the cycle of mental abusive parents and I don’t know what to do anymore. They love seeing me suffer and want to see me fail.
Why they are like this? My dad stopped buying groceries as a way to emotionally control me. My mom doesn’t want me yet she wants her 6month old baby.
They weren’t there for me when I needed help as a kid and pushed and pulled me away now their winning argument is that I’m an adult and I need to act like it and grow up. I’ve always been in a mental spiral, anti depressants only help with my depression that turned into anger.
Am I crazy? Or are they driving me crazy? And I a rude and disgusting pathetic person or am I being convinced and provoked I am? I try and when I try things get better and then something happens and I’m in the hands of my parents again. I’m scared. I don’t want to be homeless, but I don’t want to live with my manipulative lying narcissistic mentally/verbally/emotionally abusive pervert creep dad. I want to live with my mom but she’s in a weird subconscious but obvious competition with me, her fiancé is a creep too and she saw it so she doesn’t want me anymore. I’m exhausted and I feel like I can’t breathe. I have a life plan don’t get me wrong but every time I do something to get there something happens, I had a truck and I got into my very first accident. My dad has a mechanic shop and said he can find the parts and fix it, that was a month and half ago… he’s been saying he’s waiting for the parts or his workers haven’t been in work and he hasn’t been able to get started on it but he has everything just missing 1 part or suddenly he couldn’t find any of the parts and he only has 1 or he doesn’t have the money for the parts or his bank is frozen so he can’t buy the parts but he has the money and lastly, he just needs $800 to fix it. I understand wut he’s trying to do, he’s trying to fight me into getting a job and paying those 800 but bro is just greedy as fuck, also I have tried, I work food service and I haven’t been able to find a job anywhere near me or that’s cheap to Lyft to🧍🏽‍♀️on top of all of this my dog got ran over or he’s with someone??? Idk he went missing idek how long ago atp I’m so depressed. The morning he got out I ran home to ask my dad for his truck to go after my dog but he spent 30 min yelling at me saying I’m a shitty person and I’m so entitled thinking I can ask him for his truck when all I needed is to go down the block. I was running after them without shoes and they just kept booking it towards a busy main road. He spent an additional 15 minutes of getting ready for work and then we finally went out to look for my dog. We never found him 💔💔
Bruh
I’m so 🫩
I also think I’m scared to get a job again cuz I got sexually assaulted and harassed at my previous job, I reported it and they fired me 🧍🏽‍♀️

Please I’m so fucking tired why is the universe cursing me? I feel like a 10 year old and a 40 year old at the same time

I have no friends, I lost them in covid and the friends I make along the way are not the right kind of people I would like to be around, I’ve been Shmokin since I was 12 and I want to stop so badly but when it’s around me or my friends offer I fail myself and end up getting back into it

I’m not that much of a fuck up tho I’m in college for applied science of culinary arts, I start in September..

Any advice? Also pls don’t judge me im autistic level 2 with ADD, major depressive disorder, severe anxiety, and Cptsd.

Also im in therapy I have been since 2021, I also got into a psychology hyper fixation from 17 to like 20 and now im a burnt out broke loser dumbass 22 year old🧍🏽‍♀️