r/Parentification

Hello! This is my second post here as I’m in the middle of a break up with my mother. We’ve been NC for 6 months but she’s still triangulating via friends and trying to break the boundary / block occasionally.

Anyway I’ve been thinking of the past a lot lately. I’ve always considered my childhood a good one, as far as I knew. I don’t really remember much. But my adulthood have been pretty intruded by her and her needs.

Firstly:
She sometimes used to wake up at night with anxiety attacks and heavy heartbeat and immediately called me saying she’s scared to die and she just wanna talk with me until it settles down and she worried she might die without talking to me first.
I usually wake up at night hearing my phone buzzing and seeing her number and feel a knot in my stomach and then I answer and calm her down.
It’s very exhausting as I have 2 small kids of my own and this ruins the whole night for me, but at the time I’d never even consider telling her that.

Secondly:
Sometimes she have issues with her boyfriend (they’ve been together ca 20 years). He’s very oppressed by her. He was abused as a child and now he’s treated like a household slave by her. She yells at him and I think it’s terrible to treat him like an animal. Anyways sometimes when they fight and he fight back it’s very extreme. He runs away over a night or two and she always calls me and cry and she is so scared he will kill himself or leave her. She then sometimes ask if I think she’s so horrible.
I have to console her for a while until she feels better.

This all have felt natural for me all my life. But now, as me and my mother had a massive conflict over a boundary I finally set (I didn’t wanna participate in a family conflict & asked for peace and to be left out of it, wich her reaction was explosive guilt attack that’s lasted for many months now), I’ve began questioning our old relation and its patterns. I’m trying to structure everything together as I wanna solve my life situation and work as well as I can as a father and a husband.

Buckle up its a long one but I need some advice. So I (55m) married my wife 48(f) 10 years ago. We each bring 2 kids to our blended family. Some background and I'll try to be as honest and blunt as possible. My wife and Is marriage has always been rocky. She's hard headed and I'm stubborn. Were both know it alls. We genuinely adore each other anyway. She's from west Africa and I'm black American so we've each had unique experiences that shaped up and continue to shape us. Problem is our children. When we first got together her kids were still in Africa. They didn't come over until after we were already married. I haven't been the best step dad emotionally, because I'm really not an emotional person and it's hard to just develop feelings for kids. I have always financially supported them and my wife. She's frigging terrible with money. She's not allowed anywhere near our joint finances because she honestly can't be trusted with money. I think she also feels a level a guilt because she has allowed her kids to get away with anything since they've arrived. Boy came over in elementary school (has since come out as gay and is now trans, all before turning 18). The girl came after she graduated high school there. Came here and went to college for like a year. Dropped out and now at 28 is addicted to weed and can't hold down a job. Literally has issues everywhere she works. Neither of them have friends. Youngest basically stays in her room 18 hours a day and hasn't had a job in years. I was against the whole transitioning thing because I felt they were too young but ultimately her mom agreed to it and of course it was my insurance that pays for it. So the issue now stands at this: we moved into a new house last year, only my name is on it because wife's credit is in the toilet. I pay 80 percent of everything. My children dont live with us (but my youngest may be moving back, they are both grown 23m and 32). We have a gazebo in the house that thr oldest girl uses to go smoke weed. It irritates me that she closes off the gazebo everyday to smoke. I love outdoors but she has completely taken that joy from me. We got into a big argument and she said she deserves to feel comfortable in the house she loves in. Mind you, 28, contributes not a daayumm dime, but is entitled. The youngest is mad at me because she finally has decided to go to school and her bio dad and mom can't cover the cost so they asked me and I said I would loan whatever money they can't cover but she has to get a job to cover her incidental. Now she's telling her mom she doesn't even want to go to school because I'm being mean about money. I'm honestly ready to get a separation but I really do love my wife, just tired of the kids. I would never make her choose because even I would always choose my kids, so it seems like a split is the only option. I grew up with responsibilities, you don't work you don't eat. I raised kids and now I feel like I'm being forced to raise adults. I'm becoming unhappy in my own home and that's intolerable for me. Did I mention they don't contribute shit. How do you get opinions when you don't contribute. My wife says I've never made them feel wanted. I counter with don't i provide a fuggin roof over their head. My wife honestly tried to be a pesce maker but the stress is eating her up also. Unless I'm ready to let grown ass children have free reign I don't see any other way beyond separation. Thanks for letting me vent and I appreciate any advice.

Hey Reddit. I (19F) need an outside perspective because I genuinely don't know if I'm missing something or if my family dynamic has become unhealthy. This is going to be long, but I feel like you need the full story.

Last year I finished matric and got accepted into university. The problem is that I couldn't actually go because of my legal status. Years ago my parents moved us across the border, and because of that I don't have the right documentation here. That means I can't access a lot of opportunities, funding, or even simple things like getting a driver's licence. So instead of starting university, I ended up taking a gap year.

At the beginning of this year things between me and my parents weren't amazing, but they also weren't terrible. We were never the kind of family that sat down and talked about feelings, but we got along well enough.

Then my mom got injured. Because of that, there was a lot more pressure at home. I started helping more around the house and in our family retail shop. I open the shop every morning, clean, work there during the day, and make sure everything is sorted before my dad gets home. I also run a small online business because I'm trying to save money and create some kind of future for myself.

After a while I started feeling completely exhausted. I realised I was giving everything I had but still felt unappreciated. So I made a decision to stop overextending myself. I still worked in the shop, but I stopped doing extra things like making lunch for everyone or getting my younger brother ready for school. I wanted to protect my own energy because I was burning out.

At the same time I started trying to build my own future. I recently got accepted into a six-month virtual mentorship program for young African women, and I'm planning to apply to UNISA because it's one of the few realistic options available to me.

The problem is that every time I tried talking to my parents about my future, it never really went anywhere. I'd ask about plans, timelines, or what we were actually going to do about my legal situation, and the conversation would either end in an argument or just be dismissed. I started feeling trapped because I can't move forward on my own in a lot of ways.

Then a few days ago everything blew up.

I went out to collect a camera I'd bought for myself. While I was out I bumped into an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We ended up catching up, driving around and talking, and I completely lost track of time.

I was supposed to be home around 3 p.m. but only got home around 5 p.m. My dad had been texting me asking where I was. I saw the messages but didn't reply because I thought I'd explain everything properly when I got home. Looking back, I know I should have just sent a quick message.

When I got home, my dad was furious. During the argument he slapped me across the face. My mom told him they were tired of me and that everything couldn't revolve around me. She also told me that if I wanted to leave so badly, I should just go.

A few days before all of this she had also said something that really stuck with me. She said that if people could see the future before having children, she wouldn't have chosen to have me. That honestly broke me.

Since the argument, they've basically stopped talking to me. Nobody wants to discuss my future anymore. Nobody wants to make a plan. It's like I suddenly became the problem in the house.

The thing is... the slap isn't even what's bothering me the most anymore.

What scares me is my future.

I'm 19. I'm on a gap year that I never planned to have. My legal situation limits what I can do. I'm trying to build something for myself, but I feel like I'm doing it completely alone now.

I don't want to just pack my bags and leave without a plan because I think that's a terrible idea. I'd rather spend a few months creating a proper exit strategy than leave out of anger and end up in an even worse situation.

I also know my parents are under a lot of stress. My mom has been injured, they run a business, and I understand that me coming home late without replying probably scared them. I know I should have replied to the texts.

But I also can't understand why everything has turned into complete silence instead of a conversation.

So I guess I'm asking...

Am I missing something? Am I genuinely being selfish and disrespectful without realising it, or does this family dynamic sound unhealthy?

I'd really appreciate honest opinions, even if they're critical of me. I just want to understand what's going on because I honestly feel like I missed a chapter somewhere.

Im so tired of reminding my husband to make food for the kids. I get tired to its 11 am and he still hasnt made food for them. He wakes up cleans then makes food. there nothing to clean in the house when its already been clean from last night whats his excuse. when he makes food when its lunch. mind you kids wake up at 8am. He gets pissed off at me. Im tired of telling him im done.

I (19) just need to vent because I feel stuck, and I don’t know if I’m being selfish or if my feelings are valid.
My family immigrated to the U.S. when I was 10. My parents worked constantly to build a life here, and I understand why—they had to. But ever since then, I’ve basically been a third parent.

At 10 years old, I started taking care of my younger sister (now 15) while my parents worked. I did that for years. Later, my younger twin brothers (now 9) came to the U.S., and I became responsible for them too. Now my older siblings have moved out, and my parents both work overnight, seven days a week, so most of the responsibility falls on me.
One thing that makes it harder is that I have a 15-year-old sister, and people often assume she can help take some of the responsibility. She does help sometimes, but she’s still very innocent and doesn’t really take initiative the way I wish she would. Then again, I also wonder if my expectations are unfair because I had to grow up so fast. By the time I was her age, I’d already spent years taking care of her, cooking, cleaning, and managing responsibilities that most kids don’t have. Maybe I expect too much from her simply because I never got to experience being a normal teenager myself.

I’m in community college, I work, and I’m also trying to build a side business doing nails. On top of that, I’m expected to cook, clean, and watch my siblings whenever my parents are working. My schedule often revolves around theirs. If I work a closing shift or want to make plans, it becomes stressful because someone has to stay with the kids.
The hardest part is that I feel like my life is on hold. I see people my age becoming independent, going out, taking opportunities, and figuring out who they are. Meanwhile, I feel like I can’t fully do that because my family depends on me.
I even chose community college over going away to a four-year university because I knew my family sometimes needed financial help, and I didn’t think I could leave. Community college has been a great financial decision, but it wasn’t entirely the choice I wanted.

The part that makes this so difficult is that I love my family. My parents sacrificed everything to give us a better life, and I know they’re doing their best. My little brothers look up to me. They’re great kids, but because my parents are almost never home, they miss out on a lot of normal childhood experiences. They don’t know how to swim or ride a bike, and I constantly feel guilty because I don’t have enough time or energy to teach them those things. They stay all day inside playing video games or watching YouTube. And I mean that cannot be good for a child’s development.

I also can’t help feeling angry sometimes. Not because I think my parents are bad people or because they don’t work hard—they work their asses off every single day to provide for us, and I genuinely admire them for that. I know they didn’t choose for things to be this way. They’re doing what they have to do. But at the same time, I can’t ignore the fact that I’ve spent most of my childhood and now my young adulthood carrying responsibilities that most people my age never had. I feel guilty for being angry because I know how much they’ve sacrificed, but I also feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot too.
Even when I go out with friends, I feel guilty because my siblings are home while I’m having fun, or feeling like I have to be back home soon because the house isn’t clean enough. If I become more independent, work more, or eventually move out, I worry about what happens to everyone else.
My mom tells me that I need to make selfish decisions sometimes and live my own life, but I can’t stop feeling responsible for everyone. I love my family, and that’s what makes this so hard.
So I guess my question is: am I wrong for wanting more independence? Has anyone else grown up feeling responsible for their family and struggled with the guilt of wanting to live their own life?

i don’t know how to start this but i’m broken. i never got any love or comforting from anyone my whole life. from an early age they saw me as the independent child. i still share a bedroom with my disabled brother (Down syndrome) who would hit and curse me and scream all day long, and no one does anything about this. even when i record videos for my mom to show her how violent he becomes, she doesn’t care. he stays at home all day, we live in a small apartment, a family of 10, and i have nowhere to cry, not even the bathroom. so i stay on my bed and hear him scream in the tiny room, and i’ve tried headphones, earbuds, anything to make me not hear his voice, but nothing helps. my whole life, till now, he would touch and break my stuff, and he was the one that got all the love and support, and i was the angry/disrupted one. no one ever cared that i was crying or depressed since i was a child, or that i don’t have friends, or that i hate everything about me. they would only blame me and say that i share bad energy. so i started to create a mother character who would care about me, like people i see in real life, and i’d start crying. that was from 14 years ago till now. hope i can move out one day and heal from this.

i also want to add that i’ve been doing online therapy and i don’t feel like it’s helping. i pay everything i have for a 45 minute session, and the whole time i stutter and say things that don’t mean anything, and the therapist says i’ll get better in the coming sessions. i’m on my fifth session now. i have one friend, and i feel like she doesn’t really care much about this, and i don’t blame her at all, but i’m very depressed and i feel a loneliness that no one could ever understand.

every day since graduating high school i’ve been babysitting my brother for free for hours. today i called my dad and asked if someone else could babysit him for a change and he said “no you’re the adult so you’re watching him" okay but he’s not my kid? it’s literally the summer and instead of going out i’m stuck looking after a kid that isn’t mine. i don’t understand why they would want to have another kid 12 years later if they don’t want to raise him

You guys... I'm legit SO confused.

My mom has always been there financially whenever my siblings and I needed it, especially during my college years (I just graduated). We went into huge debt with multiple people just so I could finish my studies. We're not a rich family, and because of my college expenses, we're currently drowning in debt. That's been causing constant stress for the whole family. She's ALWAYS willing to find ways for me to achieve my goals. Both her and my dad are. And I truly, truly appreciate their sacrifices.

However, she's also so volatile. It's like she's going to explode at any moment. When she's mad, she says the meanest things about me, and she can't stand being wrong. When I talk back because I do have a valid reason for making a mistake, she keeps shutting me down, insisting that I'm wrong, that it's all my fault, and that I'm dumb for making such a mistake. But when she makes mistakes, even really dumb ones, she just laughs them off and insists that she's the mother, so why should we be bothered by it, as if we don't have a right to be. Whenever I try to reason with her, she gets aggressive and says that I probably look down on her just because she didn't go to college and that I'm being disrespectful.

Like I said, she has always been willing to provide for me financially, no matter what. Even if it meant borrowing money from people with high interest rates. But I never really felt close to her emotionally. I'm the middle child out of three and the first daughter. She's closer to my eldest sibling, my brother, and she's very endearing toward my little sister, the youngest. I think she's the most distant with me.

Since I'm the most academically accomplished one, I do know I give her a sense of pride. But I never felt like she was truly there for me emotionally. She doesn't show up at school activities when I was younger. I always had to take care of myself on my own (my father is a seafarer), and her reason was always that she was either too lazy or too busy doing household chores. I think that's why I became so hyper-independent and developed a fear of intimacy.

She's also always dumping her rants on me about how huge our debts are, and I honestly don't know how to react because I know it's because of me. I often get so emotionally drained. Sometimes she does the same thing to my little sister, but I call her out because I don't want my sister carrying stress about adult problems at her age. She also complains about me buying makeup when they're cheap ones anyways. It's not like you can blame me as I'm a young adult. I also need it to look presentable during job interviews.

I'm already 23, a fresh graduate, still trying to find a job, and I can't even date (and haven't dated) because I think I'm probably traumatized by my mom's emotional unpredictability. My dad is also very nonchalant, even though he provides for us. I feel like I never really had anyone to lean on because my older brother and I aren't close either.

I feel like I have no one.

Now I'm just so confused. I don't know what to feel about her. Whenever I get sick, she's always alert and takes me to see a doctor. But sometimes it feels like she hates me because of how often she blames me even for the smallest things. Yet when it comes to my brother, even when he talks back to her or says hurtful things, she just laughs it off like it's a joke.

I'm so confused to the point that I often cry because I'm so tired... I don't know what to feel about her anymore.

Lemme give you the lore first, I was living the best of my life back until April of 2019 hit me with my father's demise, leaving me, my older sister and mother completely devastated but I forcibly kept myself together not shedding a drop of tear until I lit his own body into flames with my own hands. Then came the lockdown and I just kind of completely got into online gaming, life was good with everyone together. Then lockdown got over, we moved placed but we were still together.

Now after 4 years, I completed college, my mom finally got my dad's government job at the old place and my sister got married, then left town. I got left alone at the house we were living in on rent. I could have gone with my mom but the professors at my college loved me and offered me a job of a technical assistant there, I too decided to do Masters from distance and get into academics as a professor. The job didn't pay much but it paid enough for me to survive the unemployment allegations.

Everyday felt like the walls were trying to eat me, I came home from my job and it felt like someone shot me in the head, nothing but pin drop silence. I used to cry, completely crippled just hugging myself on the bed, I saw my hair fall get worse, started sleeping late, almost never had breakfast.

But then things got better little by little I learned how to cook, micro adjusted ingredients in my chai to perfection so at least I can get something of my choice at anytime, had few of my friends over and we used to get stoned, some days drunk and they would love the chicken curry I cooked.

Then a year passed by, I was used to this life. I bought tons to stuff, I started having Shilajit in the morning, Aswagandha in the afternoon and Magnesium Glycinate at night and it kept my life stable.

Then my mom came back, she had faced a lot of harassment at workplace and so she just straight up ditched the job, me and my sister didn't really care because we were good financially all thanks to my dad.

What I didn't realize was staying with her might be a lot more difficult than what I thought. Now don't get me wrong she is a very nice person and thanks to her I can finally get my food on time and everything. The only problem is now that all my ways of distracting myself is gone, there's always this weird feeling of suffocation that I feel whenever I'm at my house as if I'm not free, as if I can't be myself anymore and I just can't bring it up to her. She's nearing her 60s and as the rules go in the Indian households most parents want to stay with their children as they get older.

We talk all the time about a thing or two but every time I talk to her I feel like I need to wear an "I'm Okay" mask so she doesn't suspect anything is wrong with me and I keep asking myself "What is even wrong with me?" and there's no answer, there's this constant thought saying "I want to go home" despite me being in my house. I don't want her to worry regarding all of this, she's probably already had enough at her workplace but I can't bear this constant feeling of suffocation.

I'm sorry for writing a whole essay here but I was very skeptical of posting stuff like this on the internet but now it's slowly becoming unbearable.

Just as the title says. Im 17m, and a few days ago I went to a friends house for three days. It was fun, but it was a pretty starch reminder of how hell mine is LMAO. But the main thing was that it made me feel really guilty about my intentions of leaving in the next 2-3 years because of how just a 3 day absence seemed to affect them. My mom looked REALLY bad, and told me she hadn't slept whatsoever and was exhausted and barely able to do anything having to deal with the kids (makes sense; one is mentally ill, one is lazy as shit and has a constant attitude, the third is medium needs autistic.)

The clothes were just piled up as well as the kitchen being an utter mess. My mom has been telling me over and over the last few days how much she loves me, how much she missed me, how she doesnt know what she's going to do when Im 18 and gone. Shes even straight out told me Im "not allowed" to leave, and that if I try to she'll put bars on the window. It makes me a little uncomfortable because theres definitely some degree of emotional incest in there (shes straight out said she wishes I was her husband instead while drunk as well as a lot of other things) but Im the only one in the house who helps and supports her so I cant blame her.

My dad was less direct about it, but my mom said every day I was gone multiple times hed ask if I called or messaged and if I was coming home soon, and hes been asking me to help with a lot more stuff the last two days too. I can tell hes definetely happy Im home to help again, even if it was such a short period of time. Compared to what my mom said happened the three days I was gone, they arent fighting as much either. Its just all made me feel like I CANT leave.... I know its not my responsibility, but neither of them are really bad, at least not in a way I can feel like I can justify ever leaving with what I know itll do to them. Has anyone else felt this way?

i’m 13 and my mom is 53. sometimes i wonder why i ever thought i hated her when she’s being nice but then other times i can’t even remember her good times.

during the day, she’s stressed. i get it. she’s busy with work and my brother has disabilities so she has a lot to deal with. i try to be extra nice during the day so she doesn’t get mad. at night she’s worse, because she’s tipsy. she doesn’t hit me or anything, she doesn’t even get mad when she’s tipsy. but she’s just really annoying during this tbh, and she doesn’t think before she speaks. i have to baby my mom when she’s tipsy. (ive talked to my mom about her drinking problem, she either says she’ll stop and never does or she yells at me for being in her business).

so basically what im saying is the bad moments with my mom outweigh the good. she and my dad both do this thing where they think every i say is attitude. and i guess it is sometimes. but i think they really blow it out of proportion, even when it’s only a little bit of attitude or none at all.

for example, as i write this my mom and my sister are at the vet because my dog was nonstop vomiting. my parents weren’t home at first because they were at a doctors appt with my brother, so me and my sister were really panicking. we were calling our parents and my mom told us to put my dog in the sink and run cold water over him. i said exactly this, “mom, i mean no disrespect, but i was on google earlier and it said that we shouldn’t do that.” my mom hung up immediately after i said that. she texted in the family gc that she was taking an uber home. (this is also a good time to mention i have emetphobia) so im freaking out and shaking throughout all of this because my dog throwing up was honestly really triggering me (he threw up like 5< times) so when he threw up in the sink i walked away for a moment to breathe. of course, my mom comes in right as i do this. she yells at me because i was supposed to be watching the dog. then once she gets him she’s yells at me for saying that he should go to the vet. then one more time for good meausre she yells at me before leaving about what i said over call, saying she’d “deal with me later“ and i was “getting to a point”.

stuff like this happens all the time. i’m home alone rn but im honestly scared for once she gets back. i know she won’t hit me or anything but i don’t want her to be mad.

i also know that im over dramatic. i have friends whose parents have abandoned them, throw stuff at them, and leave their houses in disarray. i know im lucky compared to them, but am i wrong to be sad? am i just giving too much attitude? anyway the texts we are exchanging in the family group chat seem better so maybe she’s not too mad.

That is, have any studies been done that indicate that the incidence of parentification among children is skewed more towards males than females, or vice-versa? (As a male I would be interested to know. I've heard about the 'eldest daughter syndrome'.)

When I was 11 years old, both of my parents became seriously ill within a short period of time, and I suddenly became responsible for my family of four siblings.
Before that, my childhood was already unusual. My mother would often come to me and complain about my father, even though she knew how attached I was to him. She shared problems with me that no child should ever have to hear. I became the person everyone unloaded their pain onto.
Then everything changed.
My mother developed an illness that doctors were never able to identify. She gradually lost the ability to move, speak properly, and take care of herself. A few months later, my father started showing signs of Alzheimer’s, but it wasn’t just his memory that disappeared. He rapidly lost his ability to speak, walk, stand, eat, and eventually needed help with almost everything.
Because all of this happened so quickly, there was no one left to keep the household running.
My oldest brother spent most of his time with his friends and treated the house like a hotel. My second brother couldn’t handle no longer being the center of my mother’s attention and started having emotional breakdowns and creating conflicts just to be noticed. He later admitted that himself. My third brother was chronically ill and also needed constant care. Then there was a baby.
I was the middle child, and I stepped in.
I became responsible for buying groceries, running the household, taking my mother to her medical appointments, buying diapers for both my father and the baby, caring for my sick brother’s medications, and helping raise my baby sibling. My second sister helped when she could, but most of the responsibility fell on me.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just feel like I grew up overnight.
I became the father, the mother, and everything else just to keep my family from falling apart.
I never imagined having my own future. I never dreamed about falling in love, getting married, or building a life for myself. I was always too busy taking care of everyone else.
Now everyone is doing better.
And I’m the one who feels empty.
I’ve never really felt loved by anyone. I never had friends to talk to or spend time with when I needed support. I spent years sacrificing myself for everyone else’s comfort.
Now, after all these years, I have no passion, no dreams, and no motivation left. Sometimes it feels like I was so busy keeping everyone else alive that I never got the chance to become a person myself.

(28F, oldest daughter🙃) TW: DV, SA

Ever since I gained consciousness as a child, I can remember being way too involved in my parents marriage. They would complain to me about each other, and as a child I felt like I needed to help. At 10 years old, would try and mitigate discussions, watch them fail and then try to repair them. Sometimes they’d have screaming matches right in front of me, throwing things and physically assaulting each other. I remember crouching behind the basement stairs and hearing my mom scream at me to call the police.

My dad grew up with an abusive father, my aunt has told me that she saw my grandpa throw a broken mug at my grandmas head and she had to get multiple stitches. (just one account of many) Along with the usual emotional and verbal abuse that I’m sure was an everyday experience. She eventually divorced him and none of the kids or grandkids talk to him, other than my dad occasionally. I’ve only met my grandpa once or twice.

When I was little I knew that my dad was trying to be better than his dad, and by most measures I think he is, but the bar was EXTREMELY low. My mother has struggled with severe depression all her life and had a severe work injury that made her almost functionally bedridden for several years. (I remember being 14 when my dad showed me my moms attempted su*cide letter) Overall I think they’re a bad match for each other, and when I accidentally came across their marriage journal for the 1st year of marriage (they would both write entries to each other) I realized they should have gotten divorced immediately. He was in no way able to handle her mental states and his frustration turns so quickly to rage that it becomes a brutal cycle of pain.

We tried out family therapy a couple times as a teen, and the most help I got was just simple validation of “you shouldn’t have to go through this”. I feel like I have zero tools to move forward or make sense of the relationship I have with my parents.

Fast forward 15 years later, I’m still being used as their therapist. I don’t talk to my mom much, and when I do she often trauma dumps on me whatever’s happening in their marriage. A couple years ago she told me she feels like a prostitute for my dad because he won’t let her work out of state for too long before he wants her to come back. He’s very religious and sees any sexual “deviancy” as a sin so he’s unwittingly(?) coercing my mom into marital prostitution. I tried to tell both of them that it’s considered marital r*pe and he basically responded saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “you really think I’m a r*pist?”. I haven’t tried to bring it up since.

This past month I went back to my hometown for a friend’s wedding and as I was talking with my brother, I realized he also knows about this. I don’t know if he’s ever confronted my dad about it, but he seems to know too much, like I do. He still lives close to home so I guess he’s also being parentified. I think we’ve both seen my dad slowly change over time and become less reactive, but it’s hard to forget about the stuff we know. My mom seems to just push it under the rug until she hits a depressive episode and it all comes back full force. Even in the span of my 3 week visit, the first week they were yelling at each other through text and then a week later snuggling on the couch. It’s so much whiplash that I feel disgusted seeing them together.

I know my mom probably is trauma dumping on us because she has nowhere else to turn, but I wish she would utilize her therapist instead of us. Obviously I feel bad for her but I’ve told her several times that maybe she’d be happier on her own, away from my dad. She doesn’t seem to believe anything would be better for her if she got divorced. I also don’t know how to interact with my dad because he genuinely loves being a grandpa to my son but it’s hard to see past his flaws. I don’t necessarily want to go “no contact” with either of them, but I’d really like to stay out of their marital issues from here on out. It’s starting to affect me too much and I have my own family that I love and feel safe with. If I didn’t have to talk to either of them again I think I’d be fine, but since I have the only grandkid I feel bad taking that relationship away. It’s been so many years and I don’t know how to quit my job as the family therapist. Any ideas?

My middle sister is practically my daughter. She’s now turning 18 soon and has own her friends, goals, and life. And honestly, I’m not ready to let her go.

But I know she needs a life that wasn’t as much as bearing mom as I got. I want to live my own life also, but I don’t see if in anyway that is not taking care of her.

pay for groceries for your household (family of four my older sister and dad aren't at home my dad is working overseas) i pay for household items that my family requests ( ex : blinds, electric kettle, containers, bed frame for your brother) pay for my phone bill (don't mind this one)
pay for your car-related costs on a car that isn't mine
own medical-related costs (psychiatry/medication plus braces)
transcript fees
driving school
pay for the cat and cat food
clothes for my mom

something or the other keeps happening with them. they keep fighting with me (joint family btw so double or triple the headache). they don’t let me go outside and give me curfews threatening that if i don’t follow they will never let me out and lock me inside.
don’t i deserve some freedom at the age of 20. im missing out the prime of my life rotting at home.

i just want to either leave this hellhole or kill myself

please help me find any part time job opportunities that pay well enough to get me through basic expenses in mumbai.

Anyone else try to be involved with their family but just can’t because they leave you feeling drained after? I have also noticed my own sisters don’t like eachother lowkey and I feel like they don’t like me. I can’t shake the feeling.