u/p2dan

I’m 32 years old and I’m just tired of everything. I don’t enjoy being a person. I don’t want to build a life or maintain one. I have a chronic skin condition that flares up with stress. I have significant vision loss in one eye. I have a testicle that needs surgery but I don’t have the money. My dick doesn’t work properly. I’m severely depressed, low energy and just angry at being alive. Working sucks. My skin flakes up and flares up in the office to much embarrassment. Driving is stressful with my shitty vision. I’ve never been able to ejaculate inside a vagina because my dick doesn’t stay hard for long enough. I feel empty. Fuck everything

I have a bunch of health issues, and a demanding, mentally draining career with little free time. My family sucks, I don't like my friends anymore. Relationships have never worked out for me. I have autoimmune skin issues, a testicle that's receded, partial blindness, sports injuries to my hip and my shoulder from overtraining in my youth. I'm in physical and emotional pain 24/7 and there really is no medical solution to any of it. And I'm only 32 years old. I just want to die. What can make this shit possibly worth it? Money doesn't motivate me, I have plenty. I don't really want free time, because I just focus on how shitty everything is and get depressed. I am recently sober (a few months) and it blows. I hate my job as a cpa. I tried making a career in music but it turned into shit. I don't want to exist. I wish I never did.

I’ve been dating a lot this past year, and one thing I’ve realized after most encounters is that a woman’s life is just so monumentally different, their experiences with people and how they get treated, their emotional intuition and the way they act and react to the world around them, none of it is relatable, none of it makes any sense to my male brain and male experiences. I love women, but holy shit. Can any women relate to this in the inverse way? Will we ever understand each other fully? And is that the magic of it all?

Omg can’t wait for another round of REG! This has been the best time of my life, studying this fun stuff and having one existential crisis after the other. Wow. I actually hope I fail again so I can do this forever. The OBBBA updates have been a blast. Thanks to everyone who made this exam such a joy to study for. This shit rocks!

Woohoo! So fun, I get to study this fucking horseshit for the 3rd time and try again! what a privilege to be alive and what a great decision I made to be an accountant for a living! Life is great.

Just walked out of the test center. What a nightmare. There were 2 sims I know I tanked. The multiple choice was ok but some of the questions threw me off. I should’ve done better than I think I did. Kinda sad now. I hate this shit

I’m a bit excited, a bit apprehensive. But I think this is the right decision. I’m 32, am partially blind, have chronic stress related health issues, mental health issues, sports injuries, testicular functioning issues, etc. My body is a mess. My life is very limited and very depressing. I have trauma in other areas as well. It’s only going to get worse from here. I don’t feel close to my friends or family. Everybody pisses me off and makes me sad. I hate working a job, it’s exhausting and contributes negatively to my already shitty health. My hobbies don’t really bring me joy anymore. I’m sick of running and going to the gym, I was an athlete growing up and have a bunch of injuries and aches and pains from it. My parents were really harsh and pushed me too hard. I was a high achiever and burned out a few years ago. I can’t bring myself to give a fuck about achievement anymore. My partial blindness makes it hard to drive and function on my own. Dating and relationships have been a disaster. I have a bunch of religious sexual shame pushed onto me by my parents and feel super uncomfortable with myself and anxious all the time.

It’s over, I’m out. And I can’t wait tbh. Peace and love to you all, I’m so sorry to anybody that might be hurt by my actions. Please forgive me, I just can’t be here anymore. My life sucks so bad.

Title explains most of the story. I didn’t technically do anything wrong, but it haunts me that my brain was capable of even going there and contemplating doing something that heinous. It actually affects my confidence and my drive to achieve things for myself because I feel like somebody who’s capable of doing that doesn’t deserve a good life. I didn’t actually look it up, but I downloaded tor, typed it into the search engine, scrolled to look for it, found a link, and got an anxiety attack and exited the browser, shut down my computer, and basically gave up porn ever since (with some relapses along the way). I’m not sure why I even searched it, I think my brain was so fried from the porn I was watching that I couldn’t get off anymore and I was looking for something more extreme. I’m so, so thankful that my brain basically shut down and gave me an anxiety attack before I clicked on it. But it still fucks me up that I got to that level. I’m a relatively high functioning adult with a good degree, good career, decent with women, family is doing well. Everything is ok. But I still get depressed and anxious and self sabotage at times. I believe this could be the reason I don’t fully maximize my potential in life.

Just wanted to share, if anybody had similar experiences or tips to overcome the self sabotage aspect, please lmk.