r/suicideprevention

My mind is my greatest adversary. Life has been extremely painful and unpleasant for most of my existence here on this rock for thirty-six years. I am thinking of killing myself, but I fear that will just get me re-born as some kind of slug or something even more unpleasant than being human.

It's not that there are not good things in my life. I see beauty, and love, and laughter, and joy. I just simply cannot find meaning in it. I don't think the good justifies the bad. I think the bad outnumbers the good exponentially and I'd rather not exist at all then exist in a world that constantly hurts me and others. But even that can't save me because I'll just be reborn and have more karma to burn through.

Existence feels like a never-ending punishment. That the moments of joy or happiness are there to keep me from offing myself so that I might suffer exponentially longer.

Ive been told I can find peace and love and joy in the present moment. Maybe I've never been able to enter the present moment because I find that 'peace' I'm supposed to have, the total love and joy and finding existence is perfect in its imperfection and ever-changing nature, and to see that not a hair is out of place- I get that logically. I don't feel it. I feel such hatred for myself and most of the world. It doesn't feel like an everchanging game and expression of the universe it feels like an endless torment. I feel that i'd rather not exist at all than exist, but I do believe in reincarnation. I feel the world is such a terrible hellish mess that I'd rather not exist at all.

I have such hatred for myself and the world. It gives me no joy. I have no desire. I want nothing. I care very little about most things lately. Nothing brings me joy or happiness anymore. I dont care about things I used to care about. How am I supposed to engage and love a world that I find so unbearable and terrible? How am I supposed to find meaning in a world that technically doesn't even exist? That is projected through consciousness?

I am in such mental anguish and I don't know how to escape. I don't know how to see anything in a positive manner. I don't feel good things anymore. I dont feel bad things anymore. I just am coasting through life with rage for everything. I dont want to be this way.

I know that if nothing we do matters, then all that matters what we do. I feel as if nothing is real, if nothing has profound meaning, if everything is going to decay and die why try? Why bother living if it all ends? My teachers tell me why NOT live if nothing matters? But I dont see the point.

Im tired of being in pain.

So am a person who's been passive suicidal and lately been yk goin through a hard time cause of all the thoughts. And yeah tday i got a fever and i am away from home, my mom called me asked what am doin i told her am at the health centre cause of a fever and I told her I came alone. Then she asked why I didn't ask anyone else. I said nothing. And she was like please eat you are loosing wait. You never eat anything. I said am fine ma I'll be alright why are you getting so tensed and she told me somethin. You are my daughter am the one who'll be at loss if something happens to you. And to be honest that actually made me tear up, all this time i was lonely asf thinkin abt killin myself that I actually forgot i had my mom. And this is just too everyone who might know someone who's actually yk going through something. The best thing you can actually do is let them know that they matter to you and they are wanted in this world.

(25F) Thinking all the way back to 1st grade, i haven't wanted to be alive. Im just missing some biological code that's supposed to make me want this for myself. When i was a kid, i played like normal and tried to be a really good kid. But i had a deep rooted feeling that im not meant to be here. When I was a teenager, I was really depressed and suicidal but knew I was in the minority for feeling this way. Up until that point, I only ever lived in one place, knew a small amount of people, and went to school. So I thought I should do everything in my power to try and find what makes me tick before giving up so soon. I figured maybe i just wasnt exposed yet to the things i would love and would find purpose in. I decided to travel, try and make friends with everyone, and try new things. I fully invested in myself and went on this self discovery journey. And i succeeded. I am living the life i want to and im not numb to it. I do help people, i do have goals, i think i make the world a better place. Ive truly invested in myself and i love myself and

I'm an incredibly ambitious and I optimistic person and always have been. I'm really active, I play lots of instruments, I got the higher education and job that interest me most out of anything I've tried. And I get great opportunities because I work hard, succeed in what I put my mind to, and people believe in me. I practice balance and mindfulness. I have a big friend group of very genuine people who show up for me whether it's to have fun or offer companionship and advice when times are hard. I am really close with my siblings and my mom, they truly love me unconditionally and I love them. I get emotional when i connect to music and nature and have deep talks with people. I make plans to travel at least a couple times a year, i make plans most days of the week to do things i enjoy or see my people.

And i still would rather not exist. I just dont like being a human. I know that taking myself out would devastate so many people for the rest of their lives, so its not worth doing that. I wish it wasn't considered a tragedy and a selfish thing to be like, i really gave it a shot, its just not for me. It's not that you could've done more for me or there was something that would've made it worth it to me. I truly gave it a shot and lived for myself, it just literally has not been what i want for myself since i had a consciousness. How do i keep going on if i am aware im really just living for others. That has a lot of purpose, sure, but it's really not sustainable.

Its quite urgent as they are planning on doing it again soon i just dont know what to do can someone please help im lost I've never done anything like this before and I need help in preventing their death, im the only one up right now, and the only person they can talk to, im trying to buy time can someone give advice????

EDIT: for the past 36 minutes or so I've been helping them express their emotions and taking their mind off the topic, and for my first time with any of these topics, i will admit coming to reddit first was not the best of ideas but I've learned an important lesson with stuff like that. I can now confidently say (for the most) part i have helped them out of the dark hole they were in, crisis averted thanks for the help.

Edit 2: they are currently sleeping, im connecting with her friends to create a effort in helping her. Right now im unsure if calling the police might make the situation worse or not, and she does not want to stress her parents. Now that the short term event is out of the way, I might need additional aid in preventing this in the future.