I built the life of my dreams and still don't see the point
(25F) Thinking all the way back to 1st grade, i haven't wanted to be alive. Im just missing some biological code that's supposed to make me want this for myself. When i was a kid, i played like normal and tried to be a really good kid. But i had a deep rooted feeling that im not meant to be here. When I was a teenager, I was really depressed and suicidal but knew I was in the minority for feeling this way. Up until that point, I only ever lived in one place, knew a small amount of people, and went to school. So I thought I should do everything in my power to try and find what makes me tick before giving up so soon. I figured maybe i just wasnt exposed yet to the things i would love and would find purpose in. I decided to travel, try and make friends with everyone, and try new things. I fully invested in myself and went on this self discovery journey. And i succeeded. I am living the life i want to and im not numb to it. I do help people, i do have goals, i think i make the world a better place. Ive truly invested in myself and i love myself and
I'm an incredibly ambitious and I optimistic person and always have been. I'm really active, I play lots of instruments, I got the higher education and job that interest me most out of anything I've tried. And I get great opportunities because I work hard, succeed in what I put my mind to, and people believe in me. I practice balance and mindfulness. I have a big friend group of very genuine people who show up for me whether it's to have fun or offer companionship and advice when times are hard. I am really close with my siblings and my mom, they truly love me unconditionally and I love them. I get emotional when i connect to music and nature and have deep talks with people. I make plans to travel at least a couple times a year, i make plans most days of the week to do things i enjoy or see my people.
And i still would rather not exist. I just dont like being a human. I know that taking myself out would devastate so many people for the rest of their lives, so its not worth doing that. I wish it wasn't considered a tragedy and a selfish thing to be like, i really gave it a shot, its just not for me. It's not that you could've done more for me or there was something that would've made it worth it to me. I truly gave it a shot and lived for myself, it just literally has not been what i want for myself since i had a consciousness. How do i keep going on if i am aware im really just living for others. That has a lot of purpose, sure, but it's really not sustainable.