Help me.
My mind is my greatest adversary. Life has been extremely painful and unpleasant for most of my existence here on this rock for thirty-six years. I am thinking of killing myself, but I fear that will just get me re-born as some kind of slug or something even more unpleasant than being human.
It's not that there are not good things in my life. I see beauty, and love, and laughter, and joy. I just simply cannot find meaning in it. I don't think the good justifies the bad. I think the bad outnumbers the good exponentially and I'd rather not exist at all then exist in a world that constantly hurts me and others. But even that can't save me because I'll just be reborn and have more karma to burn through.
Existence feels like a never-ending punishment. That the moments of joy or happiness are there to keep me from offing myself so that I might suffer exponentially longer.
Ive been told I can find peace and love and joy in the present moment. Maybe I've never been able to enter the present moment because I find that 'peace' I'm supposed to have, the total love and joy and finding existence is perfect in its imperfection and ever-changing nature, and to see that not a hair is out of place- I get that logically. I don't feel it. I feel such hatred for myself and most of the world. It doesn't feel like an everchanging game and expression of the universe it feels like an endless torment. I feel that i'd rather not exist at all than exist, but I do believe in reincarnation. I feel the world is such a terrible hellish mess that I'd rather not exist at all.
I have such hatred for myself and the world. It gives me no joy. I have no desire. I want nothing. I care very little about most things lately. Nothing brings me joy or happiness anymore. I dont care about things I used to care about. How am I supposed to engage and love a world that I find so unbearable and terrible? How am I supposed to find meaning in a world that technically doesn't even exist? That is projected through consciousness?
I am in such mental anguish and I don't know how to escape. I don't know how to see anything in a positive manner. I don't feel good things anymore. I dont feel bad things anymore. I just am coasting through life with rage for everything. I dont want to be this way.
I know that if nothing we do matters, then all that matters what we do. I feel as if nothing is real, if nothing has profound meaning, if everything is going to decay and die why try? Why bother living if it all ends? My teachers tell me why NOT live if nothing matters? But I dont see the point.
Im tired of being in pain.