r/confessions

I wanna stop gooning but I relapse every time 😭

About ten years ago I had an ex who was a homeowner.

I found out he was cheating.

Broke my heart. I felt like I wanted to die.

I hung around for a few more days and spent that time super glueing every lightbulb I could in his home into the sockets.

A decade later I still think about that idiot, in his stupid house having to throw away a lamp anytime a bulb goes out. No idea how the bathroom vanity lights or kitchen bulbs get fixed.

I’ve never been less sorry about anything in my life.

I (25F) have been with my boyfriend Marcus (27M) for about a year and eight months. In the beginning things were genuinely good. He was funny and attentive and the kind of person who makes you feel like the most interesting person in the room when he talks to you. We got along easily, had similar taste in most things, and I felt comfortable around him faster than I had with anyone before.

I want to say that upfront because I think it matters for what comes next. This is not a story about someone who showed red flags from day one that I ignored. It is a story about something that started as a small uncomfortable feeling and has been growing quietly for months until I cannot dismiss it anymore.

The first joke happened maybe four months into the relationship. We were at his friend's place for a gathering and someone brought up the topic of relationships and what people wanted long term. Marcus put his arm around me and said something like he was looking for a woman who wanted to stay home and take care of things so he could focus on work, and then he laughed and added that a free maid and cook was basically the dream. Everyone laughed. I laughed too because it was framed as a joke and the room was relaxed and I did not want to be the person who kills the energy over an offhand comment.

I filed it away and did not think much about it.

Around that same time I started noticing other small comments that individually felt dismissible but collectively were building into something I could not ignore. We were watching a news segment once where a female politician was being interviewed and Marcus said she seemed like the type who probably ran her household like a dictatorship too, then laughed and said powerful women were exhausting to be around. I did not respond. He moved on like he had said nothing.

Another time I mentioned a female coworker who had just been promoted above a male colleague who had more seniority. Marcus raised his eyebrows and said something like she must be very persuasive, with a tone that made the meaning clear even though the words were technically neutral. When I said that was an unfair assumption he said I was too sensitive and that it was just an observation.

Once when I was frustrated after a hard day at work and venting to him he listened for a while and then said women always catastrophize work stress and that men just get on with it. I looked at him and he said he was joking and that I needed to learn to take a joke. I dropped it because I was already tired and did not have the energy to explain why that particular joke was not funny.

The second time the SAHM comments came up was about two months after the first. We were cooking together in his apartment and I made a comment about a promotion I was going for at work. He said something like enjoy it while it lasts and then winked at me. When I asked what he meant he said he was just kidding and changed the subject. I let it go.

But then more small things kept accumulating. When I drove us somewhere and took a wrong turn he made a comment about women and directions that he followed with a grin. When I beat him at a card game with his friends he said I must have cheated because women do not understand strategy games and then laughed loudly when I stared at him. When I mentioned that I had handled a difficult negotiation at work he said I probably just smiled my way through it and then immediately said he was kidding when he saw my face.

Each one landed soft. Each one came wrapped in a smile or a laugh or the word obviously. Each one had a ready made exit if I pushed back. I am just joking. You are so sensitive. I did not mean it like that. Can you not take a joke.

The third time the future comments came up was different because we were alone and there was no audience and no social pressure to laugh it off. We were talking about our future in the vague way couples do when things are going well, not a serious planning conversation, just the kind of soft speculation that feels nice when a relationship is comfortable. I mentioned wanting to keep building my career and he said something like we would figure that out when the time came, that his priority would be providing enough that I would not need to work, and that he had always believed a home ran better when one person was fully dedicated to it.

I said that was an interesting way to look at it and asked if he saw that as something he wanted for us specifically. He said he guessed he did, that he did not think it was a big deal, and that a lot of women actually preferred that kind of setup. He said it in a completely reasonable tone, like he was describing a preference for a type of coffee, not outlining a vision for my future that I had never agreed to.

That conversation stayed with me for days.

Since then I have been paying attention in a way I was not before and what I have noticed has made the uncomfortable feeling significantly worse. He makes comments about how nice it would be to come home to a cooked meal after a long day, and when he says it he is looking at me. He has mentioned twice that he does not really believe in couples who outsource household tasks because that is what a partner is for. When I bring up career goals he listens and responds supportively but there is a pause before he does that I have started to dread.

The jokes have continued too. He made a comment once that women who prioritize career over family always seem bitter by forty. He said it while we were watching a documentary about a successful female executive and he shook his head slightly like he felt sorry for her. I asked him if he genuinely believed that and he said he was just making an observation and that I always turned everything into a debate.

He told a joke at dinner with his friends once about how the best thing about dating a smart woman was that she could manage both the household and the finances so he did not have to think about either. His friends laughed. I smiled because I did not know what else to do in that moment and then excused myself to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror for a while.

Last month he made a comment to his brother about how I was going to make someone a great homemaker one day and then caught my expression and said he was obviously joking.

Was he though.

I have tried to bring it up twice. The first time he said I was reading too much into harmless comments and that he respected my ambitions completely. The second time he got slightly defensive and said he did not understand why I kept turning lighthearted things into serious conversations and that it felt like I was looking for problems. He was not aggressive about it. He said it calmly and then moved on and by the end of the evening things felt normal again and I wondered if I was in fact making something out of nothing.

But here is what I keep coming back to. I am twenty five years old. I have been building my career for three years and I am good at what I do and it matters to me in a way that is not casual or replaceable. The version of my future that Marcus seems to be quietly sketching out is one where that part of me gets set aside so that his life can run more smoothly. And every time I try to name that directly he reframes it as a joke or as me being oversensitive and I walk away feeling like I imagined it.

I have not imagined it. I have a memory and I have been keeping a mental record and the pattern is consistent enough that I cannot explain it away anymore.

What scares me the most is not any single comment. It is the architecture of all of them together. The SAHM jokes and the women and directions jokes and the she probably smiled her way through it comments and the women who choose career are bitter by forty observation all fit together into a picture of how he actually sees women, and I am a woman, and I have been sitting in that picture for almost two years slowly realizing that the frame was never something I agreed to be inside of.

I have not broken up with him. I have not had the full direct conversation yet because every time I try to find the words I think about how he will look at me with that calm reasonable expression and tell me I am overreacting and I will spend the next week wondering if he is right.

But I am twenty five and I am watching the shape of someone else's vision for my life get sketched out in jokes I am not supposed to take seriously and I am sitting here asking strangers on the internet if I am crazy for being scared of what happens when the jokes run out.

AIO?

​

For thousands of years, people have argued about the meaning of good and evil and why both exist in the first place.

Philosophers, psychologists, and religious thinkers have all tried to explain this duality, yet no explanation has ever been universally accepted.

_____________________________________________________________

My personal view is that good and evil are not separate from human beings, but rather two equal potentials that always exist within us.

The real difference between people is not who possesses good or evil, but which side they choose to express.

If we observe the world carefully, we notice that the idea of opposites exists almost everywhere:

light and darkness, fire and water, heat and cold, creation and destruction, peace and violence.

This pattern does not seem random.

It suggests that existence itself is built upon balance and contrast.

This made me wonder:

if the universe is structured around opposites, why would human nature be any different?

I believe every person carries an equal capacity for both good and evil.

What separates people is choice.

A good person is not someone who lacks the ability to do evil, but someone who possesses that ability and still chooses good.

Likewise, an evil person is not someone completely incapable of good, but someone who repeatedly chooses evil despite being capable of good.

This also explains why good people can fall into corruption, and why terrible people can change and redeem themselves.

Good and evil do not disappear after a choice is made.

Both remain inside the person at all times.

_____________________________________________________________

For example:

a wealthy person can use the same amount of money to help others or to exploit and harm them.

Choosing one path does not erase the existence of the other path.

It only means the person preferred one possibility over the other despite being capable of both.

The same idea applies to everyday human behavior.

A loyal person is still capable of betrayal.

An honest person is still capable of lying.

A peaceful person is still capable of violence.

If these possibilities did not exist within them, their moral choices would lose much of their meaning.

When I talk about desire or evil, I do not mean that every human desire is evil by nature.

Hunger is natural.

Love is natural.

Ambition is natural.

The problem begins when desire exceeds its limits and turns into harm, obsession, corruption, manipulation, or the violation of moral boundaries.

In other words, the issue is not desire itself, but how it is directed and controlled.

I also believe that the greater a person’s capacity for good becomes, the greater their capacity for evil becomes as well, because both are connected to the same human ability to choose and act.

A person capable of becoming a great reformer could also become a great destroyer under different choices and circumstances.

The hardest question, however, is this:

Why do some people choose good while others choose evil?

I believe this question is still unanswered.

Psychology, philosophy, and neuroscience are all still trying to understand it.

Is it environment?

Genetics?

Personal experiences?

Free will?

Or a combination of all of them?

There may never be a complete answer.

_____________________________________________________________

But personally, I believe human beings spend their entire lives standing between two equal possibilities, and what ultimately defines them is not what they are capable of doing, but what they choose to become.

A few years ago I was on vacation staying in a very high class resort. It was a normal vacation but while I was there I saw a few celebrities. I was there for a few weeks and after the first week I saw that Hayley Atwell had a suite right next to mine. A few times at night I even saw her naked on the balcony which was just surreal. During nights you could clearly hear that she was having sex. It always was very interesting to see her around during the days. That vacation probably is the best experience I ever had. Always down to talk about it

I love the reactions. People genuinely think my butt is naturally (too) huge and I catch girls staring, comparing, or quietly laughing sometimes. Honestly, that’s part of the thrill for me.

Not in a “nice booty” way. It’s more like I enjoy the attention and the awkward social tension around exaggerating it. Like knowing people are analyzing my body while I’m pretending everything is natural. Sometimes I’ll purposely wear outfits that make the size even more obvious just to see reactions.

I know this probably sounds insecure, attention-seeking, or fetishy. Maybe it is. But it also makes me feel confident in a strange way, even when the attention is negative.

As the title says, I was never cheated on. But this one boy back in high school flirted with me for over a year, asked me out, and then a day later his mom told me I wasn’t good enough for her son.

So I went and fucked her daughters. His triplet sisters.

Do I feel bad about it? No. Would I do it again? Probably not.

I’m a 45 year old straight man. I started being attracted to trans women about 5 years ago. I started watching trans porn and got so turned on by it. I started having thoughts about wanting to have sex with them. One day I built up the courage to have my first experience so I got in contact with a trans escort. She was gorgeous. I thought about doing everything I’ve seen in the porn flicks but couldn’t just yet. So I was a top. I ended up sleeping with a bunch more trans women and finally decided to bottom. It was amazing. A new experience and I was hooked. I became more comfortable and even started performing oral on these women. I actually started to enjoy it. I’ve had 3somes with trans women and I fantasize about being the only man in a trans orgy. I did cut back on sleeping with trans women but I still think about it from time to time. I still identify as straight even though I’ll suck their dick and let them fuck me.

Straight male 30 and lately I’ve been sexually experimenting and I’m not sure what to think of it. I’ve always loved porn oral creampies or when my girl lets me cum in her mouth. I find it so hot watching someone cum right in a girls mouth and swallowing it. Girls always make it seem so good and fun.

One day I was watching a really hot video where this chick boyfriend cums right on her tongue and swallows. She made it look fun and so sexy. I was super horny and got curious. I thought if I expected girls to swallow, I should at least see what it feels like. I wanted to know how I taste and if it’s as fun as I saw in the videos. So one day I tried some. It tasted alright, didn’t really have a taste but the texture was good. But that was just the start.

Here’s the problem. Since then, I kept thinking about doing it again. Days passed with it still on my mind all the time. I wanted to try more and see if it was different. So I did it again and to my surprise…it tasted so freaking good. It had a taste and texture I really really enjoyed. In the moment I felt guilty doing it, but I couldn’t help my craving. I just kept eating more like I was feral. Now I feel like I’m addicted to doing it. Any time I watch porn now with a facial or oral creampie, I get jealous of the girl and start craving mine. The crazy part is the more I swallow the more I crave it. It tastes so good it’s an addiction for me now.

Idk if I’m losing it but sometimes I still feel bad about doing it. Sometimes when I swallow, I think to myself I can’t believe I did that. But it tastes so delicious and feels so good in the moment, I can’t help myself to swallow more and keep thinking about it when I’m horny. I’m just not sure how I should feel about all this and if it’s normal. Starting to judge myself.

It’s been really hard to give up sex at 48. I’m not sure I’m ready for this.

I'm 31M and had my first sexual experience with a boy my age when I was a teenager.

So when I was around 12-13 I stayed at a friend's house from school. We weren't like super close but used to hang around every once and then. When it was late afternoon we decided I should stay overnight and go to school together the next day.

While we were playing some game I created the urge to hump him from the back as if I was fucking him. Stupid things teenagers do at that age. He was surprised at first, probably because in school I was very tall and used to act cool and badass, but didn't seem to not like it. After like 30 seconds I stoped, but we both felt excited, you could tell.

Then when we went to bed we demandet to his mother to put the mattresses next to each other on the floor (so we could still talk before going to bed). From today's perspective it was clear what was going on.

After the door was closed and the light out, I rolled over to his side and repeated the humping movement. This time just in my underwear and laying on him. I called it "sleeping-reflex". Somehow I needed to pretend it's all casual and funny, because I used to act tough in school. He seemed to like it and I repeated it a few more times and then we swapped as well. After a few minutes we had both rock hard dicks and pressed them against each others bodies. Then it all went pretty fast an next thing I remember was that he was fucking me from behind. I didn't know what to think at that moment, also his penis was average to small, so I didn't felt much. Then he came in my ass and I wanted to fuck him too. My dick was so thick and he smaller than me, so It couldn't fit in his ass.

Anyway, after that we went sleeping (or at least tried to). I had millions of thoughts that night. What if I'm gay? Would I do it again? And so on. My uneducated ass even thought I could have catched HIV from him. Yeah, right. Stupid.

We promised not to tell to anyone and never spoke about it again. Eventually we would even avoid each other in school. But after a couple of months we had a school trip and we where in the same room with two other boys. One night we couldn't sleep and after the moment we've thought the other two boys felt asleep, we both felt the sexual tension. He came in to my bed and he sucked my off and jerked my cock. Again I was rock hard and loved it. After I came he demanded to do same to him and I told him I'm not gay, so I wouldn't. He was disappointed and I felt kinda bad. Untill this day I'm not sure if the others were really sleeping or just pretending to us having sex in the room. Very awkward.

After that it never happened again and I went to another school the year after. I never spoke to anyone about it. Not even my therapist or my girlfriend of 8 years relationship. Also I never had any other gay sex experience with anyone. I'm pretty convinced straight, but somehow I still get very aroused when I think about it. Also I watched some TS porn now and then and I kinda liked it. But not so much as I would try it. What does it say about me? I still don't understand it.

That's pretty much it. Once the shirt is covered in cum I drop it off in public locations so whoever finds it knows how cummy that company is :)

Hi, I am 15 right now. I was 12 years old when I first started drawing stuff like that. I was a fan of a Turkish TV series related to mafia and I was drawing pornographic art of the characters here. Remind you that they were real people and they're still alive today. As time passed I drew more and more inappropriate content, especially to entertain my friends who was as much problematic as me at the time. After some time I started liking animated series and drew NSFW of the characters here. Now you guys probably gonna say "Oh maybe you kept those drawings between you and your friends?" I WAS POSTING THEM ONLINE. ON THIS APP. I swear to god I want to get strangled to fucking death everytime I remember those stuff. I remember myself drawing NSFW artworks of characters related to an indie animation series related to bugs, despite the creator clearing it out that he doesn't likes people making inappropriate artwork of his characters.

I had two discord servers for my fans on TikTok, the first one lasted July-December 2023, the second one lasted January-May 2024. I had a channel where I posted my NSFW artworks and my fans were liking it, some of them were even getting inspired to make NSFW art from seeing me doing it. I was posting these stuff on an old Reddit account, the account is now deleted. The worst part is; the account's nickname was almost identical to another Reddit account where I was posting football artwork in a formal way, meaning someone could search my username and if they wrote it a little wrong, they could find that account; or maybe that already happened and I will never know. I feel so fucking ashamed of myself oh my god.. but no it doesn't stops THERE;

On that formal account, I was just getting popular on the Turkish football subreddits and I drew two NSFW artwork related to Hellaverse and posted them on the NSFW subreddits related to Hellaverse. Well when you are popular on Reddit, people tend to look on your profile and read your posts more often, especially at the time I was an unique user, which made me draw more attention, and.. oh my god JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK PEOPLE SAW THOSE ARTWORKS. I was supposed to draw football and fun artworks of indie characters, NOT FUCKING IMP AND FURRY PORN. Some people confronted me for those artworks and especially mentioned my young age, and I felt guilt.

As time passed I felt more embarrassed and ashamed for those artworks and after getting advice and actually learning how those artworks might get me and my parents, perhaps family, in trouble, I removed them from my social medias and kept them between me and my closest ones, the ones I 100% make sure they will not share it with anyone. During those years I never drew NSFW of an underage character, but it's still obnoxious.

I still carry the guilt and shame to this day. Please don't be stupid as much as me.

I'm a really lonely guy and just need some friends to talk to and share or rant with. I am a good listener and would love to make friends with people here

Hi. I'm a 27F in law school living with parents.

In my family, im a complete loser. And in my attempt to die, I realized I truly was a loser.

I failed (straight Fs) an entire semester of undergrad before covid put us in lockdown and had to take 2.5 years off from school before returning and finishing my undergrad degree. So I took twice as much time to graduate than my peers. I was premed, but I realized soon in undergrad that I didn't want to be doctor, told my parents what I was truly interested in and was called a selfish, stupid, bitch. After that I went into shock mode which ended up causing depression and anxiety as I tried to hang on to the thread of premed leading to my semester of Fs.

I hid this from parents and came home during covid under the guise that its online classes. I then lied and went back to school to finish my degree, was subsequently caught the semester I was going to graduate. I then told my parents I wanted to study law because I thought it would be the best alternative to continuing med school because I didn't want to disappoint them. And ultimately, I wanted to be a part of their American Dream. But I am struggling because it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. My mom became paranoid after finding about hiding my grades and going back to school, so she calls me a piece of lying trash loser every single day, micromanages my school account, assignment, grades, and life in general. She told me she'd rather me dead because she's embarrassed of my law school's name not having prestige reputation and because I graduated undergrad late. I've tainted and made her life living hell.

And as much as I know I deserve this loss in life and autonomy, a part of me was dying and I was slowly regressing back to that period of shock, depression, and anxiety. Which culminated in the decision to just end it all because I felt so much like what she was calling me.

BUT, in some twisted fate, I chose the hottest and most humid day this month in my state to decide to burn coal and try to die in the car because its supposedly a more peaceful way to pass.

I ended up staying alive despite nearly 30 minutes of CO inhalation because my car ended up being a Sauna so my sweat particles were producing just enough O particles to keep me alive.

No, I don't think I have brain damage because I just a had a small headache that went away after rehydrating myself.

I was incredibly lucky. And I take this as a sign from God that perhaps I'm more than what my mom thinks of me and what I've come to perceive of myself as. I'm truly a loser because the one choice I MADE for MYSELF to die didn't even work out. And I realized in that moment, I've never made a choice in my life without considering my mom or dad or having them be a factor. I've never made a choice for myself on my own will that wasn't something I had to do or did for someone else. I never made a truly autonomous choice. So I lost physical autonomy through my mom's micromanagement, but I lost myself in allowing other to make choices for me. And this what was Im eating me inside out.

So, I made the choice that night with tears running down my face that I wanted to live and the first step would be to get out of this toxic environment. It may have taken a long time to get here, and maybe im old and behind, but im taking actions to realize this choice and I've never been more scared but free feeling.

In the aftermath of my attempt, I couldn't air out the car sooner than my mom returning from work. So I decided that cleaning out the car would be next day task. My sister ended up using the car in the evening and asked if I smoked and I told her no, but that I had tried to die. She came home and hugged me. Probably the first hug I've ever had in nearly 10 years. We hugged for a minute and just cried. And I realized that my life isn't as small and that there are still people who care.

I also know that my mom acts this way because she believes perhaps she knows I have more potential in me that I haven't been able to bring out. And I'm realizing that's because I keep trying to attain things that aren't suited for me and not something I chose to do.

This was a long, messy rant. But I wanted to put this somewhere because maybe someone else will read this tonight and realize they too should make the decision, the choice, to live.

So, I do Uber Eats during the evenings/nights as a second job and unfortunately in my city there’s very few public bathrooms at all. One random day I really needed to go to the bathroom and the only place open I could find was the casino.

So, I go in there and I found out that they had these truly amazing and fancy bathrooms…amazing mirrors for photos and very clean unlike any other bathroom in my city.

So, ever since whenever I need to use the bathroom I go there. I’ve never spent a single cent at that casino on anything and I’m not sure how long it will take them to catch on to this…or if I can get kicked out for only using the restrooms.

But, it’s become my own personal little secret.

Ok so for context im 18 years old and currently living in a physical and emotional abuse household.

One day I was terrified to the point I had escape somewhere. I called Mt boyfriend and like the amazing person he is , he picked me up after he clocked out from work.

He told me to pack as much stuff as I could because he was genuinely worried about me.

15 minutes past and I successfully make it past my dad and to my bfs car and he drives me to his house.

Im crying in his arms because I was genuinely tired and I didn't know what to do. I was able to spend the night with my bf but his parents said keep the door open.

He made sure I was comfortable by letting me wear his clothes. And then he starts talking about how horny he is ,we both like laughing and joking around but I tell him I'm not really in the mood.He understood because he knew I wasn't mentally ok.

Time passes and it's now 2am. He starts kissing me and I kissed back. And then boom he goes "Do you wanna do it?" I wasnt really sure if I wanted my first time to be like this because I didn't even know where I was gonna lay my head the next day. But I agreed.I don't know why ,I just did.

"Now we're proving your parents right"he said. That stuck with me. Because for the longest my parents were slut/whore shaming me even tho I was a virgin and was willing to prove myself on multiple occasions.

Afterwards ,I felt this wave of depression like I lost a piece of myself that night.I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my boyfriend.I kinda just keep things to myself because I dont have a great support system at home.

Also for those wondering, I decided to just go back home.My parents don't know or anything but they infact make my life worse everyday.

My boss Will has a growing problem relating to his hygiene.

Recently he's been sharing his newly discovered solution to morning showers.

''Just use a baby wipe. it takes like 2 minutes to clean my whole body"

Will, your body odour is genuinely the only thing that perfectly imitates what depression feels like.

It's genuinely diabolical to me that a human is capable of making such gut churning, car exhaust resembling and death inducing fumes.

Even a skunk would be fucking envious of the musty, dusty, death inducing smells your ass produces.

You harness the smell of every shit filled diaper on earth's surface with the same efficiency a solar panel harnesses the sun's energy.

When you speak the breath that accompanies each word seeping from your mouth, can only be compared to what a punctured septic tank, full of shit, seeps out.

Had to learn gymnastics to dodge those pellets of pure misery and despair shooting at me with the same lethal force of a goddamn cannon ball.

I'll be doing cartwheels, handstands and most likely fucking moonwalking.

Diving off balconies, avoiding the scent bombs like John wick does bullets.

The bullet misses, but as it passes by my face, they radiate the smell of a lactose intolerant pig sty with pigs on a diet of fucking dominos cheese pizza.

The bullet won't kill me, or John wick. But the smell? Cremate us to make sure we're long gone, snort my ashes and get high from the shock and pure adrenaline my body produced before spontaneously combusting at contact.

A deaf man would describe your smell as the one thing he lacks "Noisome" (shit smelling). I'm sure he could hear the fucking smell floating up his nose.

I'm trying to be happy in my life but you're a positivity sucking black hole.

At least you made sure I'd be positively diagnosed with clinical depression.

Hair is supposed to separate, Will.

The hair somehow attached to your head looks a Pandora's box if Pandora had dandruff.

Curious George would be renamed Traumatized Terry after curiously investigating the contents of Wills skull.

The contents he found were endless, because they never started in the first place.

Terry (previously George) 's eyes were met with an empty pit so vast NASA could send a fucking rocket down there and find a new planetary system, each planet with an alien species of skunk that utilized time travel to reach Will's behind and exit in the form of a fart.

Wash ur ass man. God.

I should stop drinking but... I don't know why.

I am a 47f that started to have fun (divorced from a controlling and sexless marriage) since covid. I took an interest in wine and other alcohols. At first it was fun discovering different tastes but now I am buying cheap mixed drinks. I don't want to go to AA because I'm embarrassed but I know that I have an issue with alcohol. What should I do?