I tried killing my parents.
I am a mentally ill 21 year old. When I was 15 I tried killing my parents with their own firearm.
My parents (one of them being a step parent), since I was three or four, abused me in almost every way possible.
They would scream, hit me, throw things, cut me, electrocute me, pull weapons on me, etc.
We were very poor so they would just use anything and everything against me. It didn't help they were druggies who used my child support to buy drugs.
They ignored when I was sexually abused for years and then threatened to cut off my genitals with a butchers knife if I ever hurt my siblings.
It was constant torture and led to every mental health problem I had. I had attempted suicide hundreds of times during my teenage years because I couldn't take it anymore, I was broken.
When my parents found out they never tried to stop me, they just told me to "try harder next time"
After over a decade of this torture I snapped and when my parents left I grabbed a gun and sat in front of the door waiting for them to get back. I made sure I had enough bullets and I just waited.
Hours went by
I needed something to die
I turned the gun on myself
Then I pulled the trigger
Nothing happened.
I dropped the gun and started vomiting, it felt like a horse had just kicked me in the chest and shattered every rib.
I put the gun away and took an entire bottle of benadryl. Somehow I didn't die but it was one of the most painful nights of my life, I felt like I was melting into liquid but freezing into a solid all at the same time. I turned 16 only a month or two after and had another breakdown. This time I just walked.
I walked for miles and miles, not something I hadn't done before but I did it. I passed some firefighters and they noticed me and came outside.
They asked who I was and why I was just walking around at night alone. I told them everything. I told them that I was planning on laying down on train tracks nearby or attacking a cop in the hopes I was shot to death.
They calmed me down and then called some officers over who took me to the hospital where I was transferred to a psyche ward for a couple weeks.
I told them about what I had done but I lied to CYFD because I was scared. My parents nearly killed me the last time I had called them so I just lied.
Ever since then I have gone to therapy and hospitals and have been trying to get help, but it is difficult and exhausting.
Thank you for reading this if you did, I really needed to post this and get this off my chest. I am thankfully doing far better now and I've been deemed no longer a threat to myself or others.