u/wanderlustleaf

I've been doing so much reading here and other places to further my knowledge. I was just curious because sometimes I feel like I am not helping the situation by being quiet and silent while trying not to escalate things. I can't fight with the irrational I know that, but I almost feel guilty for not continuing to explain to them that what they are doing is horrible or that I love them so much? I also know that pushing can make it worse. I go back and forth on both. I have always been their stable person, but I also want them to know that I am hurting, and it almost feels unfair if that makes sense that they just get calm when in fact they have caused so much chaos and trauma. I have not fought for them, as I choose myself and respect myself enough to not beg. I did tell them originally that I don't agree with this, that I love them. I know a part of her disorder is she likes to feel wanted and loved.

We are living in the same house, separate rooms, they are cycling, want to divorce me, not communicating at all. We literally live separate lives the past few weeks. Blah blah, you know but my issue is.

I've been reading and told that they need to feel the consequence of their actions, but I feel like me being silent in the house isn't doing that? Will this provide the same outcome, any experience with this?

Like whom am I benefiting? We own this home, we live in an entirely different state then family and our hometown. We are basically no contact at all except we pass each other in shared spaced. This is how it has to be in the house.

Apparently, I am getting served papers on Sunday. She is throwing our whole 9 years of life down the toilet. As I'm sitting outside crying while drinking my coffee and staring off into space thinking about how I have never wronged her and up until a few weeks ago, have only ever called her a bad name once and that was you're an ASSSHOLE. She passes me with a bucket to go pick blackberries without fucking care in the world. She's walking around and talking to people like she is the greatest thing on earth. She pushed for this to happen immediately, it's so bizarre. She's changing banks, sneaking around, it's like a really bad movie. No amount of good times makes up for the whirlwind of pain, instability and downright heartbreaking emotions. Meanwhile I am trying to keep myself calm because no amount of bad behavior will take me out of my good morals and my soft heart. I want to throw away everything that has memories of us, I want scream at her for being fucking insane and refusing to be a better partner. I am a good wife, and a good person. I know good people exist because I exist, but I will never trust another fucking soul ever. When she crashes, I hope the silence of the love she had haunts her for the rest of her life.

Friday, I told my SO that I wasn't going to sign the deed giving up rights to our house for the divorce, and they lost their shit. Just for context I am f/39 married to f/40. She got so angry and ended up throwing the table, our kitchen chairs across the room and then picked up my phone and threw that as hard as could on the floor. Thankfully it didn't break but that was scary, and she has never come at me thankfully. She ripped all my belongings off the walls. Then she went over to my old lady neighbor's house where I am sure my mean neighbor will feed into her bad behavior. This neighbor isn't a very nice person and so I have kept my distance, but my wife enjoys her company. She's not spoken a word to me since in the house, but you can tell she's still extremely angry with me. I just keep my distance and removed anything of mine from the common areas.

Today she leaves the house at 6am, smelling like cologne, and my heart DROPS, you know the kind where you want to vomit because your gut tells you something is wrong. I know she is meeting up with someone, and I think it's a co- worker she had been getting close to.
It's like you know this is happening, but you can't change it or say anything to make it or them or this stop. I stare off into space wondering how much capacity I have for pain. I want to call them screaming to them not to do anything with this other person, please don't wreck me like this again. I have only ever given love, kindness and a safe place for you to land. The truth is none of that even matters because the chemical imbalance has completely detached them from me. Somehow, we try and normalize this by being told that it's not them, but I am me and I am experiencing this in real time. 9 years is about to go out the window, and I am absolutely torn the hell apart. No human being should have to go through this; I am so fucking stupid for allowing myself to be put in this position. This is traumatizing, the panic, the anxiety, the up and downs. I can't eat, sleep and or keep anything down. My love runs so deep, this is a trauma bond, and I have been trying to focus on my healing, understanding my parts of this, etc. But this morning I feel taken out, angry and broken. No amount of "this isn't them" can replace the damage that they do.

I am a mess, I am hurting so much, and nothing makes this better but being here in this place where others understand.

Sooo, what a journey we have been on ya'll! I've been spending alot of time Journaling, being alone with my thoughts, and trying to understand the part that I played in the dynamic and attachment style. 9 years has really allowed me to really deep dive into my introspection and decode what is I need to learn from this and can heal, and change so that I don't abandon myself anymore. I think parts of our self worth always takes a hit, because we allowed someone else to dull our spark so much. Lately I have switched from trying to figure out the investigation of what my spouse is doing to focusing on me as much as possible.

Every morning I have been writing on my bathroom mirror like a teenage girl instead of woman in her late 30's and let me tell you... I love seeing it. I write things like

I am beautiful, I am so loved by many because my soft heart is open, I will not abandon myself anymore, I am so many loving and kind people in my life because I am loving and kind. Surrender, you are light. Feel through it, this is just beginning, and the universe is making space for something larger sweet girl.

I've also been reading alot about radical acceptance and attachment styles and honestly understanding radical acceptance is truly life changing. We hold to what we want things to be instead of just letting go if what may not be meant for us. Lately when ny spouse triggers me or the pain comes, I feel it, I name it and say - this totally makes sense, the pain is real, but you are not alone and this will pass.

I allow it and then remind myself that I have zero control over my spouse but I do have control over myself. I can work on myself. 8 years ago I fell apart because I thought my spouse had took off with my world during a manic episode and its taken 9 years to realize -I am my own world, I am enough. ​

Something else i read earlier today is that - you didnt lose them, they lost you. They lost someone who loved them so unconditionally that they self abandoned in order to keep you.

I think the universe is trying to tell me something, and perhaps it's trying to tell you to.

For whoever needs to hear this today. You are worth soo much more. I am sorry they are causing irrevocably harsh pain, I know this pain to. Please take small steps today or tomorrow do some inner work, understand you, become secure, and please please love yourself, choose yourself. ✨️❤️

This heart ache is real.

It's been 5 1/2 weeks since she's stated that she wanted the divorce and gave me the divorce purposal paper work and moved to a seperate room.

I had originally decided that I DID want to continue living with my SO while I finished my nursing degree with the stipulation that she could keep the house, as well as her wanting me to take my name off the deed for the divorce. I could never allow that she would kick me out so fast. Last week I endured a week long trip to California that we had previously planned and I was not willing to give up because I missed my friends. My SO is very high functioning. We barely spoke in the car, and when we got to her families house she was cordial enough but super loving with her family of course.

I will never get out over her calling me by my name instead of (baby, or babe) it truly hits something deep inside my soul. Watching her is so strange and she walks around with this mask on.

The first night we were there, we had to share a bed to her absolute dismay to (keep the front for her family) as we climbed into bed she said softly and kind like my old wife -I do love you and I do care about you. I could hear it in her tone, this was the woman I know. I did something horrible and I kissed her, and then asked her to hold me and she literally wrapped her arms around me so tight and put her full body into mine resting her head right next to mine. I ended up turning my whole body around and we were nose to nose and then she told me - we are growing apart, we aren't the same anymore. I wanted to ask her then why the week before the switch we had just had a beautiful conversation about how she loves growing with me, that her life was so much better because of me and that she loved me so very much. However I refrained from asking her this because last time it caused her to get upset. We fell asleep in each other's arms and I could feel how much she felt that too. The next day she seemed okayish but returned back to being cold indifferent soon after.

The rest of the trip was like that, on our way home we barely spoke and little since we've been home Sunday.

Monday night however I literally lost my marbles as sitting in that house with a broken heart as she walks around like she doesnt have a fucking care in the world activates all my old trauma wounds!!! How can 9 year marriage just mean nothing, I hate this. I don't feel like a strong woman, I feel broken. I was ugly crying when she walked in and she asked carelessly -whats wrong with you?

I yelled at her that my heart was fucking broken and unlike her who clearly shows no emotion or doesn't give a fuck that I just lost my wife and bestfriend. I had to leave the house because being in the same space made me want to tell her that I hated her and I wanted to vomit.

I came to a clear realization, Monday that I can't stay living in that house with her while she is like this. I can't act like a roommate and watch her not care while my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces. I'll have to tell her this next week.

I think back to the brief intimate encounter we shared. She seemed so there, and yet I know I couldn't hold onto it because she'd soon dissappear inside herself again.

Those moments where I recognize her briefly are so hard, I know better than to hold on to hope. She was so adamant about making sure she was in her own room when we got home.

I have so much planning and processing to do. I miss her, im so angry with her, I want her back, I don't want her back. My head hurts.

I keep thinking about those arms around me and the way she held on so tight. I wish that it meant what I wanted it to mean but It was just a moment is her hypomanic tornado. I tell myself - she doesn't want me anymore and so I let go.
I let go. :-(

So many aspects of the behavior are similar, and I was just curious how some of yours have moved from majorly or semi-messing shit up -like initiating a divorce, saying they didn't love you, moving rooms or moving out etc. How does closing the gap, or coming back to baseline when they are reaching for you look? Do they fix, snuggle, get close, kiss, try and talk, completely ignore it all together? Also, how do you know when they are becoming more like themselves? I know that while many characteristic look the same, they do have differences. ​

First has anyone experienced anyone being extremely calm, cool and collected during an episode of hypo/mania? I know this is part of the mania but WHY does it still make me question eveything including my perception of what's happening. It always throws me off even though it looks the same each year. They are acting confident, sure and almost normal. They are being nice, explaining in ways that come off kind or caring.

Monday I went to look into her computer at our bills spreadsheet and found out she changed the passwords for me to log into. The only time she has ever changed passwords was 7 years ago during an episode. ​

Then as I was looking around on the desk on Tuesday I found a paper with my sister and my closest friend phone number on it. (These are the only two people via text and phone call that I've been continuesly communicating without throughout this whole process). I felt a little off about this, why is she checking phone logs? That makes zero sense to me, why would this even matter. Then we have a large property and we have cameras everywhere. Tuesday they all went offline and she almost kinda purposely delayed turning them back on every time I asked. I followed her into her room last night to check and she tried to hide it but she had ​unplugged it. Whyyyy???? Paranoia?

Then last night when I got home from my 12hr shifts at the hospital, she asked if we could talk tomorrow and I asked her why we couldn't talk tonight, she's already basically said all she can say about wanting a divorce etc. She then said okay and asked about my decision on what I had previously posted about regarding my choice on whether or not I wanted to stay here for two years why I finished school or we sell the house and I have no where to go.

She's EXTREMELY calm and collected and even nice right now. Shes asking for a decision right now and I told her I had to take some time to think about this ( and go over it with a lawyer).

Then she followed me into my bedroom and sat down on my bed and asked if we could still talk. With tears in my eyes I calmly listened. She said again "im not manic, im trying to do these things in a nice matter and im not trying to screw you over and a bunch of more dialog that consisted of her being decent. Then I told her very calmly, that I understood that this is what she wanted but it wasn't what I wanted. That throwing away 9 years of a mostly good relationship aside from when she has her mood episodes, isn't something I favor. I told her year after year I try and repair when things are not right but only once has she tried to repair or work on, reach out after she's left me stranded during and after one of her cycles. ​

I told her I choose you, I don't want the farm or the property or the life we built if we aren't doing it together. To which she replied - I don't want you Jess.

Right. Again I bring up the last few months of happiness and or how in April she said she'd move anywhere with me if this wasn't what I wanted, or how just 3 weeks ago via text (proof) of her declaration of how much she said she loved and cared for me. ​when this evidence is brought to the table, she still replies -thats not relevant, that was then. Maybe I'm wrong?

We continued to talk about how of course im not always happy either because marriage takes two people and I have been the only one trying because she doesn't know how to say that shes sorry or how when we are in conflict she doesn't come to understand me, she comes for battle and that's not fair to me. I explained that when shes in a depressed episode for 4 months and shuts down without even saying hello to me it disconnects us because she refuses to understand how her illness actually manifests our relationship or how it effects me. Then I told her that she doesn't even repair and because I never held her accountable out of fear, it got brushed under the rug. Then I have to take months to feel safe and connected Again.

Then she says - I know, I know its always my bipolar. Then she tells me she has to walk on eggshells around MEEEE!

Recently I set a boundary that if shes rude or critical with her tone, I would not engage and walk away and that was my boundary. So now shes saying that because she has to worry ablut how she speaks to me shes walking on eggshells. Seriously?

I told her id look over the paperwork for the divorce and the house today. That if this is what she wants we're doing it.

My heart is breaking, but also I see glimpses of a happy Jess next year traveling with friends and experiences life without the negativity of a downward spiral. Im far from out, but I can see a light.

I am (38f) married to a (40f). My heart aches, and the worst part is that I am financially stuck. We bought this house is 2024 in the country to which I ended up taking a job where I made less money and finally allowing myself to intertwine and depend on my SO with high functioning bipolar. They got a high paying job and we were stable and even though I had major major anxiety about letting go of certian freedoms because stability for my self meant everything. They convinced me that they would take care of me, our dreams were coming true.

Here we are isolated in the middle of nowhere, should have listened to my gut. I am currently enrolled in school on my way to Nurse Practitioner and I and work full time but low wage because we live rural, and that just pays well nothing. I love my job, I love helping people. It brings me joy.

My wife has been cycling, hot and cold, last week she moved to another room, a few days ago we were discussing next years obligations, plans, money, and today she mentioned divorce again while we were stacking wood. First she said separation, and then divorce and then proceeded to talk about how we can divide the house etc. Then she issues me two ultimatums.

We can keep the house and I can finish ​my schooling but afterwards she gets the house/farm/property or she said "we sell now and she can rent an apartment but I cant because I can't afford it" - she said this with almost a smile. Immediately I started to panic, worst fears coming true. During this conversation I remained calm because I know I can't argue with mania logic or there lack of. She was calm, cold and emotionally withdrawn. She even loves to state that this isnt a manic episode even though I think it is.

I told her that I needed her to make sense of something for me if this wasn't mania.

I said "let's go over all of June's conversations via text which are proof that you were absolutely adoring me, sending me flowers for our anniversary and spoiling me for my birthday. Let's talk about the lengthy texts in which you tell me how much you love me, appreciate me, love growing with me. How my kind heart and love has made you a better person and how you love life with me. Can you explain that?" I said this while looking straight at her with so much confidence and sadness.

Her reply - that's not relevant.

Why do they do that!! This feels like madness.

I started to cry at this point as I told her, "you were supposed to take care of my heart" and she basically just coldly shrugged it off like they do. Said she needed an answer about our living situation to which I replied as I walked away that I didn't or won't have an answer for such a huge life decision Immediately.

I went and called my friend, my support. I explained what just happened as much as I could get out while speaking through a stream of tears and snot. I feel so lost, scared and alone. I'm a million miles away from everything I know. I've worked so hard the past few years to be a healthy human. Im kind, considerate, and giving. Meditation has become such a constant in my life. I just want peace, and safety.

my soul feels beaten down. I wish I had a mom or dad or grandparent around. I will never trust another human being romantically again. 9 years, I can't drown like this anymore.

Except that's exactly why they found someone like us. We're forgiving, compassionate and for to many years of my existence I have abandoned myself for the sake of keeping peace, and being afraid of standing up for myself in fear another human choosing to walk away.

Right now they dont see me as wife but someone they've lost all physical and emotional connection too. Tonight when I got home from work and after taking care of patients all day, exhausted and emotionally depleted on all levels. The face I see when I walk through the door nearly sends me into raging pile of tears. Empty, her eyes are black and empty. I make my dinner quitely, last week she decided we wouldn't make meals together or buy groceries together and we'll live in separate bedrooms. I hold the pain in just a little bit longer until I can unleash it into the emptiness that now feels like my life. She looks fine, I don't even know what part we are at in this cycle anymore, will it ever end. ​

I'm trying to keep my boundaries of not being the one who repairs, I am always the one that repairs. I need her to show me that shes willing to fix it too, to br accountable. Not being able to reach out for a touch, for a goodnight or good morning kiss feels excruciating, I feel guilty, that is the problem. I feeeeeel and she does not. ​I feel weak tonight, but the sad part is its been 9 years of this and I know well enough that reaching out will only make me feel even more depressed for not loving myself enough to stick to what I deserve. I wish I could turn my empathy off, to be free of the ache inside my soul for feeling it all so deeply. The thought of her feeling worried or scared or sad breaka my heart, that's what love does it wants to protect you. What is this? This doesn't feel like love.

She's done something every summer the last 4 years, but last summer was fhe first time she mentioned divorce. She didn't find me attractive anymore. I never played into and just went about my days and weeks. I still gave her attention, kisses, hugs and love (even though I really should have made her work for the repair). If you havent read in sheeps clothing or characrer disturbance, go get them now because these books will change your whole life I promise you.

They helped me to distinguish what was the disorder and what was simply her character disturbance. He explains they are different but both can coexist. This summer it's "i want a divorce or maybe we can just stay married and I'll just move rooms."

When I calmly brought up this pattern is a repeat, what shes feeling is real but its escalated and that she really does need to educate herself on symptoms and what this has done to me. The last two years have been a crazy spiral. I am so exhausted. She had been amazing lately prior to April. Kind considerate. She spoiled me for my birthday a few weeks ago and then sent me texts saying how much she loves and appreciates me, I make the house a home, she loves growing with me.

Normal stuff she says and I made sure i documented it because i had a feeling. When i asked if she wanted to see them so we could read them and make sense of how such a drastic change could happen because someone who's level headed doesn't make such drastic decisions. She absolutely refused and told me to not f%$&$&# open my phone. Hmmmm?

I lost my calm as a cucumber demeanor when this morning after her sister and the kids left from visiting over a week. During there visit she treated me like i didnt exist. (Normally we are a very close loving couple) she barely talked to me and ig was so awkward being in the house with her family furing this. Theyd laugh and she would be completely normal with them. I got nothing. So this morning when she told me SHE was lonely, I lost my marbles because this whole week i felt like a stranger in my own home.

I got up and i did what i know is never good. I yelled at her, how dare she say she say she's lonely after what she just put me through, or every time she gives me the silent treatment or doesnt ask me how i am for months. I told her I would never do that to her, I deserved better and then she screamed at me she was done and left the house. Came back moved to office. Silence is all I hear. I'm in school to get my RN, when we bought this house two years ago i took a huge decrease in pay. We were stable. I felt safe, but was weary. I should have trusted my gut. I honestly feel okay because I've been working on my self, loving myself and educating myself, however my heart feels broken because I am such a good honest kind person. I don't deserve this pain.