u/Zestyclose_Resort_87

I’ve posted about this several times, but I plan to move out next week and the finality’s hitting me and I just need some support. Six months ago I caught my partner of 4 years sexting a stranger during a hypomanic episode. He claims he stopped being sexual after the first day but maintained regular semi-flirty messaging for 12 days until I found out. I was facing my own stressors at the time so I didn’t notice he was hypomanic until it was too late. There were clear triggers for the episode: reduced therapy due to insurance, stress, erratic sleep schedule, increased weed and energy drink use. We also in hindsight realized he was NOT on a good med combo for mania (Trileptal + Wellbutrin). He now seems committed to optimizing his treatment plan.

But I don’t know if I can risk it again. He gaslit me for ten minutes when I found out. In the past he’d struggled with hiding/lying about smaller things like nicotine use, but he was making a lot of progress with therapy until this episode. He also has BPD which I know adds a whole other layer. I know it’s my decision but I’m really struggling. Before this episode, life with him was amazing. He was my soulmate. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting throwing that away. But I also don’t know if I want to risk being betrayed again.

Does anyone have advice for feeling embarrassed about other parts’ feelings and behaviors? I’m trying to let my primary protector talk to our therapist and other people more often. But she can come off as so blunt and harsh. We take system responsibility and commit to trying our hardest to not be rude. But I cringe at the things she says.

When my exwBPD and I broke up after a brutal discard, he admitted he had been “wearing a mask” while we were together and was trying to be who I wanted him to be. He said he needs to ”figure out who I am and what I want.” I guess I appreciate the self-awareness (maybe therapy did have some benefit), but it’s painful to hear it put so plainly after investing years and taking so many risks with this person. Does anyone have advice on navigating this feeling—that they weren’t really “real”? A couple days prior he‘d been screaming and sobbing about how much he misses me and how he feels like part of him is dying without me. The whiplash is so traumatic.

Does anyone have advice for helping littles heal from painful/traumatic breakups? We’re trying to go no contact with a long-term partner who’s betrayed us. A little is having a very hard time no longer viewing him as her safe person. We have a great therapist but I was wondering if anyone with personal experience had any tips. thank you

I know autistic women are more likely to end up in abusive relationships; has anyone found ways to break that pattern? I’m 30 and spent the first half of my 20s with a physical abuser and the second half with an emotional abuser (infidelity). In both cases the abuse didn’t ramp up til the end and led to me leaving, but I definitely overlooked serious red flags and was far too trusting. I’m scared to have the same fate in my 30s.

Does anyone have any experience with brainspotting? My therapist recommended it and says it’s generally safer for systems than EMDR, but I’m skeptical because EMDR massively destabilized us (even when administered by a therapist with experience “adjusting” it for systems).

Does anyone have advice for coping with the extreme regret of letting yourself get hoovered and then suffering an even more brutal discard? I broke up with my ex a few years ago over “microcheating,” fell for a hoover nine months later, enjoyed a couple more years of idealization, and then recently faced a sudden discard with full-on cheating that’s left me traumatized. I hate that I could have prevented it all by just not letting him come back. The hoovers are so convincing though with their lovebombing and promises to change. Never again.

My ex is officially moving out this week after he cheated during a manic episode three months ago. I’m struggling because we mostly had a wonderful relationship before the episode, and there were clear triggers for the episode (stress, less sleep, weed, energy drinks, a month without therapy, a less-than-ideal med combo). If anyone’s been in a similar situation, how do you deal with the “what-if”? I know I can’t look at him the same after what happened, but I hate that there were multiple avoidable triggers. I know it was on him to avoid them, but I wish I’d done more.

Hi, I’m just looking for some support. I recently turned 30 and I spent the first half of my 20s with a porn addict who had little to no libido. Then, at 26 I started dating someone who had a super high libido and made me feel wanted and sexy. He watched porn but said he didn’t need it anymore since he was with me. I caught him looking at sexy anime girls and we took a long break. He committed to therapy and we had two years that seemed wonderful…until earlier this year when I found out he was sexting a random stranger. He’s bipolar and claims it was because he was manic and he felt out of control. I broke up with him over it, but I really can’t handle the rumination and mind movies. Does anyone have any advice? He made me feel so sexy after the first porn addict, and now my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I hate that I wasted my 20s on a porn addict and then a cheater. I’m scared I’ll never be able to feel sexy again. I don’t want my 30s wasted too.

Does anyone have any advice or tips for choosing a partner when you’re a system? I’ve been diagnosed for five years now but am still working on communication, partially due to some periods where I “forgot” I had it. Our last relationship turned out to be abusive, and our primary protector did not trust this person at all from the start. So, I now know it’s very important to listen to protectors’ opinions on partners. Are there any other practical tips that have helped you navigate dating?

My partner sexted a faceless stranger while having a manic episode. He stopped sexting them after admitting he had a partner but continued messaging them for validation for over a week until I found out. We’ve since realized he was undermedicated, and he had also been exacerbating the episode by using weed, energy drinks, and nicotine. He’s now on better medication, in more regular therapy, and quit substances. I’ve always said I would leave over cheating but our relationship was absolutely wonderful besides this.

I’m someone who believes there are people with BPD who put in a lot of work and manage to eventually stop causing chaos. But I’m feeling frustrated thinking about how our couple’s therapist used to say things like “BPD is actually very treatable,” “many people achieve remission,” and “many people eventually don’t meet the criteria for the disorder anymore.” How true even is that? My ex attended individual and couple’s therapy for two years, and I absolutely did see a ton of progress. But when there was life stress and a brief lapse in therapy (three weeks) due to finances, he relapsed with drugs and cheated on me. Has anyone else experienced long-term “good” periods followed by sudden, severe relapses?

I don’t know if anyone will relate to this, but I found out my partner of four years was cheating online in March and have decided to break up with him. But I can’t move out for a few more months due to finances. We also live with roommates/friends where one of them has cheated on the other at least five times. But they’re still together and seem really happy. I know deep down that I would never want to be in that situation as someone who feels utterly destroyed from only one betrayal. But seeing them seem so in love every day is difficult. I know it’s illogical and I shouldn’t compare myself to other people’s relationships but I was wondering if anyone had any advice for these feelings because I’m worried they’ll make me want to stay.

My ex first split on me three years ago, and we broke up for nine months. Every day was hell. I tried to follow all the usual advice for getting better but he was on my mind all day every day. So when he reached out to hoover me, I fell for it hard. We then had a seemingly great two years until another recent split. I’m so scared to try rebuilding a life without him again when I know how horrific it was last time. How I never really started to feel better. My other breakups were never anything like this. I hate how deeply they get into your head. I know I can’t stay and keep getting lied to and cheated on. But even with all that, the idea of leaving is so painful.

I know most people say it’s easier to regain happiness if you leave vs. staying. But I’m 2 months out and it feels like it’s getting worse all the time. I haven’t been able to go full no contact due to logistical things but I’m dreading the day I do because losing my love for good sounds unbearable. I know I already lost him when he cheated. I know it’s not the same anymore. But I was so, so, so happy with him. Happier than I’ve ever been in my life. And now he says the cheating was 100% caused by a relapse with his bipolar and BPD, but even if that were true, I don’t want to risk going through this again. But right now it feels unimaginable that I will ever know happiness again.

My ex and I had two great years with regular therapy and meds. But in January, I lost my job and we had to reduce couple’s therapy for financial reasons. Around the same time, he had to reduce his individual therapy due to insurance changes. It was my suggestion to reduce couple’s therapy even though he didn’t want to. Then, a month later he had his first severe manic episode where he cheated. We’ve since realized he’s also been undermedicated since he was misdiagnosed with BP2 instead of 1. Anyway, I know this is probably just a trauma response but I’m REALLY struggling with the idea that I significantly contributed to this traumatic event and the end of our relationship by losing my job and not prioritizing regular couple’s therapy or ensuring he had regular individual’s therapy. I know it still might’ve happened at some point anyway but the guilt is intense.

Hi, I have CPTSD from severe child abuse and was cheated on by my boyfriend of three years (now ex) about two months ago. I’m in therapy but I’m really worried that this traumatic experience is going to totally throw off all the work I’ve put toward healing from my childhood (and other shitty relationships in adulthood). My ex seemed very caring and loving, and his support really helped me start tackling childhood stuff in therapy. At the same time, though, I knew there was always a pretty big risk of this happening because he had cheated on past partners :/ I overlooked that massive red flag because I had just gotten out of a physically abusive relationship when I met him. Anyway, I guess I’m just seeking support from others with CPTSD who have survived infidelity trauma or from those who felt guilty/ashamed after getting traumatized by a partner because they overlooked red flags. Everything feels so heavy.