r/survivinginfidelity

Both of my grandfathers cheated on my grandmothers, my dad serially cheated on my mom, my friend’s dads cheated on their wives (sometimes attempting to do so with me and other teens), and I have just found out I’ve been cheated on for the entirety of my 5 year relationship. From the very beginning after one of the first boundaries I ever communicated to him was to just please dump me if he was going to cheat. And he was nice!!! He cooked, he cleaned, he was good to my family and friends, he never raised his voice at me. Anyway, I am feeling so doom and gloom about men being capable of being faithful. Can men share stories about being faithful to their long term partners? Are men ever faithful?

I know wife f36 has cheated but she still won’t admit it. In all honesty I’m over it. But I’m hesitant to get back with her as she still fully Denies it. She was having an affair with a co worker for over a year so I m38 left and got a separation. I’d desperately love to get back together but my wife simply will not admit to the infidelity. When I left I think she thought I’d tell the world so she made up loads of lies to paint her the lesser of 2 evils. I’ve never shown Her the proof I’ve just constantly reaffirmed that I know. We have a daughter and not living with her last 5 months has bn incredibly hard . I can’t wait forever to get back together but I’m hesitant starting over again based on lies.
Any help would be great .

Here is the link to the original post to get more background:

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/VHDpEHB9rw

UPDATE #1: we just had our third session with the MC. The first two sessions kinda got everything on the table and also talked about some control issues that she has. At the end of the 2nd session the MC said that we probably need to go back to the beginning and start from there with the stories.

So at the next appointment some things were discussed for a bit and then the MC asks my wife to provide her general overall timeline of what happened. My wife says “I’m not sure about that. I don’t have exact dates and it’s all kind of jumbled.” The MC said that’s fine it’s just a place to start it doesn’t have to be perfect maybe just a beginning, middle, end. My wife says “I can’t do that. It won’t help.” The MC said it’s okay if it’s not perfect. But she wouldn’t do it.

So then the MC says “homework for next week is for each of you to write your general timeline story of this time, sound good?” I said yep! My wife said, “I don’t see how this will help, I’m not going to do that.” So I’m writing mine.

It’s becoming more and more clear the amount of control she is placing over this. The truth must be MUCH worse than the one time she confessed to 30 years ago. Otherwise why would she go to such lengths to protect something she already confessed. I’m hopeful that clarity will come one way or the other. Right now I’m doing all the work and the MC has to see that! Her rope is getting shorter and shorter and my patience is gone.

I (24f) found out my now ex boyfriend (27m) of 4 years is a complete liar cheater and manipulator. It started with finding out about texts on Sunday, then about a girl he took out on a date 2 years ago, and now today, finding out he had sex with his coworker in March. He didn’t tell me any of this, it was the women who came forward when I asked. I can only imagine how many other women he has been with.

He put on such a great facade. I trusted him 1000% even though I had been cheated on in relationships before this. He felt so safe and I thought was extremely communicative about where he was. He always answered the phone, always texted me updates. I just never worried. Until he started to act distant and weird the last two weeks and I started digging. He started getting drunk and staying out late more and more.

To make a long story short, when he fucked his coworker (who I know and have hung out with) he was super drunk. My mom was visiting me for the weekend (mind you I moved from the east coast to the west coast to be with him and we live together). I was worried about him because he wasn’t answering my calls and I knew he was drinking. He came home drunk and I was pissed. He came back home to our bed and slept with me, kissed me goodnight.

We had sex a few days later and I developed BV. I didn’t think anything of it but now knowing what I know I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel so violated because I didnt consent to having sex with someone that was having unprotected sex with a bunch of other partners. He had sex with her and came home to bed with me like nothing happened. They fucked in his back seat and he drove my mom to the airport with her sitting in that very seat the next day. He showed no signs of guilt or anything.

On top of this he brought me to a hockey game with his coworkers with her there a literal week after this happened. I feel so humiliated thinking about how they were all seeing me. He apparently even pulled her aside during the game with me there begging her not to tell me anything.

I feel so violated and shocked. I feel disgusted in my own body and can’t get out of it. I don’t know what to do.

So I guess long story short I left. It took longer than I thought it would to leave honestly. I was so broken and willing to do anything to save what was left (I know I got what I deserved) I was selfish for wanting to try to make it work but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I guess I just needed a reason to leave and she gave me one when she cheated again (of course why wouldn’t she) I feel like a fool and a stupid person for even thinking that it could work.

We have officially both said that this wasn’t going to work and that I needed to go. I’m not going to go into depth but she cheated like 2 weeks after I posted OP. When I first heard about the affair it broke me completely and I was feeling so overwhelmed by everything I went to a psychiatrist to see if they could help and they did but also offered therapy. I’m now doing both and hopefully I’m going to get better. I lost 45 pounds after D-Day and keep losing. I’m eating but not as much as I used to which I don’t mind the extra weight being taken away. Im feeling better now and not so torn about her second time because I know it needed to end.

P.S thank you for everyone you commented under my OP. I didn’t think so many people would’ve read mine. Kinda just put it on here to vent I guess.

And honestly, I think I’m doing ok! I thought hearing something like this would mess with my head, but in fact it did the opposite. It helped me realize just how insane she is now and not the person I loved for 13 years.

I’ve decided to spend these past 5 months working on myself. I know I’m not a finished product yet but I’m happy with the progress I’ve made. Instead of looking for outside gratification I’m instead trying to find a way to love myself so that I’m in a better spot when I look for my next relationship.

And she instead decided to dive head first into her delusion. At one point during our “reconciliation” she said she felt like he manipulated her and that she needed to spend time working on herself because she ran to him to fill a void instead of working through her emotions. And now she’s married to him lol.

I thought hearing or seeing this would cause a set back. It would send me down a spiral and break me. But instead it’s just helped me reaffirm my decision to leave her. She’s no longer the person I fell in love with. Instead she’s just some stranger. I just feel “meh” when I think about it.

And I think that’s a good thing. I think I’m doing ok. I think I’m on the right track. I’m not happy with how much time I spent thinking about her today, but it’s because I just kept poking myself to be like “are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”. And once I got past the general shock of how crazy it is, I think I’ve finally let go. Seeing her make it SO obvious that she’s insane, really helped me find some closure today. Why spend any more time thinking of this person when they’re clearly not worth it?

I dont use this sub often, and previously i have tried to find a similar post as ive been interested in other people's experiences around this. I may be an outlier, but thought it would be fair to share my experience and growth that has happened since, especially with the amount that subs like these have helped me after the affair.

I was cheated on after being in a dead bedroom for 2 years. Everything was great between us until she had a miscarriage. The connectioned remained, probably grew stronger, but she had a new fear around sex. Two years later, with no therapy or discussions around it, she told me she had lost her sexual attraction to me. She ended up going outside of the relationship to see if she felt it with someone else. We broke up a week later, she moved in with him, and we spent over a year trying to fix things but it never turned into action.

The part I hardly see spoken about, is that i ended up feeling very sexually dysfunctional after DDay; amongst other things. I felt sick thinking about sex, I would have panic attacks, any sexual content would make me think of the affair. I ended up with performance anxiety which compounded the issue, although this was likely worse due to binge drinking a substance abuse.

Sex became something that other people had but I felt disconnected and, to an extent, excluded from. The affair completely changed how I feel, understand, and engage with sex. This feeling lasted for about a year.

I started sleeping with someone new two days after the break up. They had just gone through their own infidelity and we were both heartbroken, distraught, and needed company. I know it was quick, but i do not regret it at all. I feel that this really helped me reclaim something that i had lost. They asked if I was sure, they made me feel comfortable, and we had a great night. We have now been sleeping together multiple times a week for around 16 months.

I wont go into the fine details of what we are both relearning but sex, affection, touch, and whats developing more recently, emotional connection has progressed so much. Im now learning things i didnt know existed about myself. Overall, what were learning, and have learnt, is how to feel safe being intimate with another person. Im not done figuring it out entirely, but i its not something i think about regularly anymore.

I guess as a progress post. Im letting myself move on, im moving into new things, and it no longer scares or upsets me. I have days where I miss my ex, but future plans excite me more. Its more up than it is down now, and last year, crying daily, a total mess, I wouldnt have been able to see this in the future. If thats where you are, doubting it could ever get better, im sure youll find it some day.

My partner has repeatedly cheated on me throughout our relationship, and each time I ended up forgiving him and trying to move past it. But two recent incidents have affected me so deeply that I genuinely feel like they’ve changed me as a person and seriously impacted my mental health.

For context, we live in a four-room student flat. Two of the rooms are technically ours, although we mostly stayed together in his room. One room is empty, and the other belongs to a younger friend of mine who moved in with us around a year ago.

The first incident happened one night when my partner didn’t realise I was coming home. He brought another girl back to the flat and walked into our room with her while I was standing there. Seeing something like that in front of you feels completely different from just hearing about cheating, and it honestly left me deeply hurt and traumatised. Despite that, he apologised, promised he would help me heal from it, said he would change, and I chose to stay.

Recently though, I discovered that my junior — someone who shared the same flat, kitchen, and living space as us, literally only a few steps away from our room — had been secretly sleeping with my boyfriend for almost the entire year she lived with us.

When I found out, I completely lost control emotionally. I ended up hitting my partner and damaging some things in his room. I feel extremely guilty and ashamed about how I reacted because that behaviour is not who I believe myself to be at all. It genuinely felt like I snapped, and afterwards I barely recognised myself or the way I acted.

I know what I did was wrong, and I’m not trying to excuse it. I just feel emotionally destroyed, betrayed, humiliated, and mentally exhausted by everything that’s happened. I honestly don’t know how to process all of this in a healthy way anymore.

I would really appreciate any advice on how to cope with this situation and move forward.

Alright guys so I’m M32 and my partner is F30 weve been together for 15 years ,got 3 children together found out around 2 years ago that she had been messaging another guy on snapchat , social media etc (he lives 2 hours away ) she swore it was just a friend they had never met nothing just spoke online not even phone calls so I decided to let it go beacuse of the kids skip to around 4 months ago when I found her messaging the same guy again after a big bust up and her grovelling I forgave her and we carried on for me to now find that the same day I found her she made a new Snapchat account and completely carried on speaking with this guy sending nudes videos everything you can imagine on the secret snapchat she had her work friends (female) so they all know about it and today i found a Valentine’s Day card hidden from the guy turns out they have been speaking for over 10 years ! Really don’t know what to do my heads a mess just been trying to go the gym as much as possible to stop thinking about all the questions I have beacuse she won’t give me any answers

My ex is dying this is his fourth bout through cancer. We were together 17 years. When I last saw him he was skin and bones, so it must be pretty bad. I took care of him through his first cancer treatment. And found out during this time he and my married ex best friend were having an affair. When I confronted him he refused to stop.

When her husband passed away she moved in with him 6 months after her husband passed away. They have been together 7 years now.

I really do not want to see either of them. I feel really bad I would not wish this on anyone. I have been seeing a therapist so there is that.

I feel wildly unsupported right now. I have never really cared about online “cheating”. It doesn’t feel like cheating to me if it never leaves the screen and isn’t emotional. In this day and age most young adult men grew up watching insane porn that nobody can sustainably keep up with so it genuinely does not bother me if he interacts with women online once or twice. Genuinely I have no feelings about it. That being said it makes this even more confusing and difficult.

He asked a girl in my friend group who is notorious for loving the attention of taken men and having the biggest mouth ever. Is he stupid? Obviously. She immediately called me and told me. She and I then got into it because she accused me of taking his side and turning it around on her and threw it in my face that “my husband was asking her for nudes”. She called me the moment I sat down at work and was hysterically crying about how upset it made her and how I couldn’t understand how hard this was for her and how much she values our friendship and I snapped at her for choosing the worst possible time and way to bring this to my attention. Now she’s going to spread my business like wildfire and play the victim like I got mad at her for my husbands infidelity. Because yes, this one was personal.

I want to just move on. Part of me doesn’t give a shit. It doesn’t make me feel less about myself and it doesn’t make me feel like he doesn’t want to be with me either. Part of me feels the insane disrespect. I told him to go to therapy for this sexual need bullshit bc it’s not normal to need something so badly you destroy all of your wife’s friendships.

I always knew this about him, I love him despite his flaws and I understand where they come from. He’s a good husband otherwise. And with the kids and the fact that he’s the breadwinner it’s not so easy to just pick up and go. I tried to explain that to her, because she acted like I wasn’t upset enough. That’s it’s not the same as a casual relationship break up. I’m just so unsupported right now. I want to be able to work on my marriage and attempt to forgive. I’ve given myself a time frame and if I just can’t get past it I’ll take next steps and it really depends on if he will get himself together. I just need some assurance that prioritizing my marriage is the right thing to do here.

PS. I am not upset about the fight with this girl. The fact that she threw it right back in my face tells me she was never on my side. I’m just worried my other friends won’t understand even though they’ve been through infidelity in thier marriages and sometimes worse.

Settlement hearing is the 16th of June. I have an offer on the table of paying her out of the property and paying her $2000 a month in child support and alimony. She is still trying to keep the property also but has no way of buying me out. Had a lady reach out to me telling me she caught her husband spending the night at the stbxw apartment. Sad because they have two young kids.

She is also being charged criminally for a dog that was killed at her/our dog boarding business that is on the property. She has been super slow for business and i thought it was odd so i did some investigation. She is also being civilly sued for $6000. Found out she is flat broke and behind on her bills, she still finds time for weekend getaways and sand volleyball - bjj. She is chaos and am so relieved it is almost over. Im hoping now that she doesnt try and take this to trial and drag it out any longer.

----Shania and I are going strong, I have now hung out with her and her kids a couple times. It started out as just me coming over and fixing her sons car and helper her fix some things around her house. Now her kids are asking if she can find things for me to do so I can come back over, so i would say its went well. She also has a CPO on her ex for her and the kids.

----The affair started in Novemberish of 2024 and this is where my life is now. It can be such a long process, it can have its up and downs but if people just take it a day at a time their is always light at the end of the tunnel. My kids are doing great and have done my best to keep their lives unchanged, keeping them in there sports etc. Betrayal destroys alot and it takes time before you can even rebuild. You control what you can control, I have a whole plan of rebuild once this is all over, ive been planning this for months and am excited to initiate it.

A few casual hookups and lots of matches and chats on dating apps behind my back. He let me go through his phone and left my place very embarrassed. He later said he understands i dont want to see him because of his infidelity. I lashed out at him as the emotions came in and called him lots of insults. He never apologized and it accelerated my anger more and more. It feels like he must've hated me, if he can't even get himself to apologize to me. What kind of monster have i been with?

I'm so damaged by what he did and he will never even see consequences.

We have been married for almost 3 years and have a beautiful daughter. Last year, I found out he had been subscribed to dating app, and it has been going on for 2 years. The account was deleted before I found out so I did not know exactly what actually happened. He told me that he has never met anyone. When he was bored, he would go to the dating to swipe and talk to girls only. He knew that it was wrong and it was something inside him that he could not control. I decided to trust him and did not dig deeper.

6 months later, I found out during that 2 years not only he was on dating app, he messaged escort girls when I was away on business trip. From the chat, he booked but then never sent them the address. He explained to me that when he is horny, he wanted some validation and it would make him feel good. I later found out that those girls on dating app, he would sexting with them, ask them to send nudes photos and pay them money. It feels like the more I know, the more disgusted I feel. He cried, begged me not to leave, and he would do anything to regain my trust and make me happy. I cannot believe why someone would be able to say that while hiding half the truth from me. He has never told me about these details until I showed him evidence of the sexting photos.

It changed everything that I know about my husband, and really made me question my own judgement. Part of me still believed that he is a good person, and it might be something he struggled with. So I decided that we would work on our marriage again. For the past 6 months, we have tried to work on a lot of issue in our marriage but have not engaged in therapy yet.

Last weekend, I found out that for his upcoming trjp, he messaged escort girls in that city. He deleted those chat so I could not tell what he actually texted them. He told me that it would be the same as those chat I read before, he started the conversation then ghost people.

I told myself 6 months ago that I don’t want to have the same conversation few months or even years later. If he does not change, that would be the end of us. Here I am again! This would happen when you decide to trust a cheater again.

This time he told me that it is a bigger issue than he thought and he has already booked an appointment for therapy for his porn addiction. I am not sure if this gonna change anything.

I went for my own therapy to navigate through the upcoming divorce and my therapist suggested that we should go for couple therapy even just one session then I can decide. Leaving or staying, both are equally hard, and even harder with a baby.

I don’t think I would ever be happy with him like I was before. I really look at him different now. But at the same time, it feels like if I don’t try to work on this, then my daughter would suffer growing up without a father.

I've posted here before about how my husband was emotionally cheating with someone else online, they never met in real life and this lasted for 5 years while he was dating me, got engaged and married 3 months ago), until the other woman found out and told him she was gonna tell me the truth and they both told me what was going on.

Last week the other woman sent me a text again and told me they continued talking when he was supposed to be in no contact, now I've been monitoring his phone and what sites he uses and he hasn't been in contact with her this week. Will this help? I don't want them to text eachother again, will he keep cheating? He doesn't cheat with girls in real life or someone else through text

Texting this guy and from what I could see, she seems very open about her feelings. Is that just friendship? Been going on since 7 years, always heart emojis everywhere, couldn’t see anything else as she deleted all of their convos

I'm writing this a week from the confession, I'll start with entire relationship context. I apologize if it's a lot. I need help, and want you guys to fully understand.

Me (17m) and her (18f) started dating May of last year. She was my first relationship and first ever love. I thought this was the women I was going to marry.

But first off, I made a horrible mistake and had sex with another woman before we started dating, in the "talking stage."

My reason was because of being lustful, and needing sex and the girl I was talking too liked me so much, she wanted to wait until we started dating. I hid it for 2 weeks out of embarrassment and being ashamed, fitting for a 16 year old boy at the time, in his first relationship. But deep inside I regretted it. I didn't enjoy any part of it. Then the girl who I did it with tells her. I admitted to cheating, and lying. She had two days of questioning us, and she takes me back. Two weeks later I ask to be her boyfriend, she says yes. We spent the summer together, everyday, I became a great boyfriend. I buy us two journals each to write in for 60 days in the summer, to give at the end. I treasure her, reassure her, introduce her to my family, and on my birthday around 2 months from the incident, she spoils me and shows me so much love. We recovered well and it felt normal. Only issues we had were her worries, that were always tended too with love and reassurance. I took the steps to unfollow all women on social media, and have zero outside females in my life. Which didn't bother me at all. I felt love developing inside me.

Fast forward, senior year starts. I'm surrounded by attractive women at my school, and I'm still with the same girl. I struggled with the temptation but didn't slip up. Until about a month after school started.

I hangout with my girlfriend all day, at the end of the day I dropped her off. When I think back to that day no conflict took place to make feel a sort of way. But anyways, I get a call from my friend. Him and his thing at the time were at the beach with that girls friend, the three of them. He says "come stop by I'm with so-and-so," and after telling my girlfriend I was going to go play football with the friend, I made the decision to go. I didn't quite acknowledge what I was doing to be fair, and I didn't go there with the intention to cheat. I arrive, walk with the three on the beach, catch up with the FRIEND OF MY FRIENDS GIRLFRIEND. Who I've known for around 6 or 7 years, and we flirted multiple times in the past. We all split up, and something changed inside of me. When I think about it, it seemed like greed and lust. In the back of my mind where my girlfriend should be and the value of our relationship it disappeared. I sat with the girl in the sand and she told me how bad she missed me and wanted me, I didn't quite say the same back, I smiled and just said things like "Yeahhh", "Oh really?" I sort of laughed, but still I entertained it and told her she looked good, etc. We stared at each other, for around 8 seconds and she leans in for a makeout, I kissed her back. The kiss lasted around 10-15 seconds, with no touching at all. During the kiss, I was thinking about how horrible of a kisser she was, then it hit me like a train something I've never felt before. In immediate rush of guilt, disappointment, and anger. I pulled away and went straight to my car, left the three at the beach. Texted the girl at night to not tell a soul, she agreed, she ended up telling her friend that night. I never even told my friend who invited me.

For 3 months I hid that secret, I knew I could not tell her because she definitely would leave me for doing what I did, again. But I loved, and love her. Especially even more after what I did, for some reason. I felt guilt, embarrassment, and anger at myself, I vowed to become the best boyfriend ever and make it up to myself, because at the time she didn't know. I then fell in love, I treated her like gold, bought her everything, let her cry on my shoulder when her parents divorced, became so loving and compassionate, and went above and beyond on everything, and meant it, truly, while carrying this guilt. Throughout those 3 months, she got random texts from anonymous numbers claiming I cheated on her, but I assured her and we brushed it off every time.

Then came late November. The girl I cheated with was drunk in a car one day and admitted it to a group of people, and one of the girls who heard told my girlfriend. One morning before school, she asks me if I cheated on her with that girl. I deny, she continues to ask around ten times, I deny, deny, deny. Then she texts the girl and this girl admits to it. I had no choice to give up the lie I held, and I admitted to it. I was once again, a liar, and a cheater to the girl I truly loved.

She breaks up with me for about a week, through that week we texted and called, cried and screamed, assured and loved. She even went and kissed another man in that week, and admitted it to me right after. Claimed to do it solely to try to maker her self feel better, and to make me feel how she felt. But she wasn't attracted to him and never spoke to him again after it. I obliged. I continued to deeply apologized for what I did, told her every lick of the story and every feeling I felt, and every reason every crime happened. I assured her and begged I'd never do it again, and would show her how well I would treat. Told her if I wanted the girl I cheated with or enjoyed it, I would've broken up with you. But still, I know, a person who truly loved her... one, wouldn't have cheated, two wouldn't have lied. I was selfish and immature, it all disappeared in those moments, then came back. When I did mature and loved, it was almost too late. After confession on confession, countless tears and prayers, she took me back, in a very fragile manner. We hangout and feel completely normal as long as she didn't think about it. Apart from eachother we were horrible, we argued, she cried, she'd want to breakup and i'd bring her back with reassurance and promises. But I tried, I did really well. I sacrificed my social life, my happiness, my sanity to win my girl back. I truly loved her so much, and my love grew everyday.

We struggled the most after that, her feelings would change like day and night and she barely trusted me. I held strong, even on Christmas Eve, with my entire extended family over at my house, she stayed in my room sobbing because her parents divorced, and seeing my family happy hurt her. I comforted her in the pain, I committed, and stuck with her through her family life, and a loss of jobs. While being the, I mean THE picture perfect boyfriend. I never did anything like I did again. I brought her on vacation with my extended family, we spent every weekend together, I reassured, showed unlimited energy and love, even bought her a promise ring on Valentines day. A promise ring to symbolize how I promised to never hurt again, and promise to stick with her to marriage. I know 17 years old, senior in high school, easy to minimize that right. But we both felt so in love, and wanting it forever, even after all the struggle and hurt. So I believed it to be true, that we were meant to be and I was blessed with the chance to make things right.

The peak of our relationship was after all the hurt too. January, February, and March all pass by and we are in love feeling great. The trust improved, and we felt so in love having so much fun. Yes, every now in then she overthought, wanted to breakup, I'd bring her back or reassure her. We never actually separated. Then came late March, I felt that it was too good to be true. I vocalized it to her, that I thought she did or was doing something. also got a thread of prank texts too claiming she flirts and snaps this guy in her class. She denies, I believe.

In late March, she admits to me that one of the breakups from the "overthinking" a month ago, came from her conversing with that guy I got the prank texts about, that she enjoyed speaking to him a lot and was snapping him and they would talk. She said she felt super guilty about being able to enjoy speaking to him, and that one of the fake breakups came from that guilt, and she didn't tell me, and blamed it on her overthinking. During that text thread situation she denied all contact with him. So she lied, obviously not to the level that I did. And I forgave that, that wasn't that bad she said she didn't have feelings for him, and it was nothing more than talking she claimed. During that day she admitted that she also said on one of the sleepovers, one of her ex's (ex from 3 years ago) friend stopped by to speak to the girl she was sleeping over with. And she asked him how her ex was doing, and she added him on snap for curiosity to check on him, then later unadded him before he accepted. So overall not that bad, it hurt a little, but I forgave both on the spot and we shrugged it off.

Remember how I said I didn't have any females in my life? I stuck to that. She would go through my following on all socials to verify that. But time and time again, on instagram there were women that I followed, that truly I didn't purposefully follow, and also I never seen them in my life or knew who they were. They just popped up in my following without me ever actually following them. This happened from the span of February to April around 9 times with 9 different accounts I NEVER have seen before. Obviously in her shoes that's hard to believe... how do you just accidentally keep following these girls? She thought I was purposefully doing it, and I reassured her I wasn't and that I was so confused, which I was. But again, our bond and love was so strong we got past those minor conflicts.

The most recent time that accidental follow happened, she had enough. Due to the girl that showed up in the following, was attending the college I was going to go too. So it made her feel like I was preparing to do something unfaithful in college. She said she was done, broke up with me, took everything off socials, and blocked me on all of it, and left my number unblocked. I was so confused because like I couldn't control this, I didn't know how to make the following stop. And she left me for it? I was shattered and had so much to say. I spoke to her all that day, called her and begged her to take me back, I was crying telling her I couldn't control it, I loved her so much, we've gotten so far, I will delete the entire app. She was stubborn, even to the next day at school I brought her Starbucks and she said let's talk face to face after school.

In the talk, she starts by saying she can't take the pain and overthinking from all the things I've done. I tell her please baby, we've been so good, we've been normal, we've healed and improved so much, we have so many plans ahead. She was adamant, but I continued. Like usual, because she overthinks a lot she eventually started to sway and said "even if I got back with you, you wouldn't want me." I said, "what do you mean, why do you say that?." She admitted to snapping about 6 other men (for readers who are a lot older than me snapping refers to texting/sending photos (not nsfw in this situation)/ flirting with another individual over Snapchat), where at the time of her doing that, all I was was begging her and wanting her attention, and wanting her back, crying for her breaking up with me. It hurt me and it hit her, she switched to not wanting me to wanting me back so bad. I was hesitant because like... did you all along want to do that? Did you crave it? Did you enjoy it? She assured me she will unadd all of them and that she was sorry for blowing up over the follow, and reacting the way she did. Her reason was that she felt inclined to talk to those men because I followed all these girls the last couple months, (implying that I wanted to have contact with so many girls by following them, why doesn't she go ahead have contact with so many guys). I was now insecure, and she asked what can she do to make things right and be a better girlfriend. I said "like what I did to you, make me feel like the only man in the world." She agreed, and that treatment lasted about one week before it went back to how it was.

I was hurting but I react differently as a man, and kept it internal, didn't bring it up, and was okay with just being normal with her. Since that day, all of her old feelings started coming back, like she is just now processing what I did to her like 7 months ago and a year ago. We argued a lot, because not only was she hurting once again, she was being disrespectful in the arguments we had, became so sensitive and emotional, and was ultra-nitpicky to me. In turn, I became drained from all the arguments every single day, I was more nonchalant, and less inclined to assure as much as I did because I had no energy for it, and was still hurting inside. It was like we were because of this devolving. This went on until last week when I broke up with her.

Wednesday of last week, she texts and asks me if I would have taken her back if she had sex with another man like how I did early on. She asked it in a way that sounded like, if I would take her back right now if she did that. Surprised and curious of why she asked this. I said, in simple terms, "Yes, everyone deserves multiple chances", which I didn't mean because if she did fuck someone now I probably would breakup with her. I thought in my head, why would you ask that unless you had something to tell me. Turns out she did have something to tell me, she tells me to talk to her after school.

After school, I sit in the bed of her room, the room I made countless memories in, picked her up for our first date in, got dressed for halloween in, all of it. She's quiet, I know she's going to admit something really bad. She looks at me, and silently admits, "I fucked this guy," this guy was one of the guys she added on Snapchat, and snapped, during the most recent breakup situation. He attends my school and have went to school with him for years. She tells me how she was spiraling from another one of those prank texts she got telling her I cheated, she didn't believe it. But it added on to her recent struggle of the feelings coming up from the past. She said how she wasn't thinking and was very angry overthinking about everything I've ever done to her, that the value of our love disappeared in her head. So much so she added him, and complained about the prank text and me to this guy. This guys says to "cheat back" that it's not fair, hesitantly, she obliged. Invites this man over her house while she's home alone. Takes him to her room, and they chat. He steals her vape pen, and she tries to grab it back, they get touchy, one thing led to another they kissed. Then they had sex. I asked for every detail, she claims that during the whole thing that anger and overthinking still resided and she was in a headspace of "Maybe if I did this, I'll finally get over what he did." simply unclear spiraling, under-valuing us and just not thinking. The same mindset I was in at the beach. She says the intercourse was only 5 minutes, protected, one position, and she was crying the whole time and pushed him off multiple times because it started hitting her that she cannot be doing this, and that it is wrong. She told him to leave her house, and she blocked him after. I was shocked, from day 1 she said she'd never have sex with anyone she wasn't dating, including me. The first words I said was "I can't be with you."

I speak to the guy she cheated with that same day, and he tells me a polar opposite story, way worse than what my girl said. They both swear their story is true. Eventually the man admits to the same story my girlfriend told me and says he just wanted us to breakup, out of selfishness. I would think my girlfriend told him to say that, but he also told the lie story to his boys, who were angry he lied to them. So it's safe to say her original story was true.

I officially broke up with my girl the day after she admitted it to me. Which was extremely hard, and still is 6 days later. For the last 6 days we've spoke everyday. She takes the same appeal I did during the beach incident, she wasn't thinking and loves me so much. Claims, she now is over every single thing I did to her, and is so sorry that she didn't value how great of a boyfriend I became, because she was blinded by what I had done for months, stuck in this cloud of overthinking. Promises, she didn't enjoy a single thing, and has NOTHING for that man, and if I take her back she'd be the best girlfriend ever, make it up to me, get my initial tatted on her, and would do the same thing in healing me as I did to her.

But this is different, we are 2 weeks from our one year anniversary. We're bonded through this hurt and trauma for all these months, and both worked so hard to get here. We've grown such a tight and sewn-together relationship through me being such a better boyfriend since what I did. And like all of her other overthinking episodes, she should have texted me, called me, instead of doing what she did. And even if she didn't, she chose the worst form of cheating on the spectrum, and didn't stop at kissing or even him walking in the house. And unlike me, didn't pull away before anything turned into something worse than a kiss.

The pain is unique because I changed myself and tried so hard, sacrificed it all, gave her every inch of free time, had unlimited love, and unlimited patience, and it wasn't enough. I became the picture perfect boyfriend she wanted me to be, and now she'll value it after what she did? Now she's over it? Not after all the love and everything I gave her and showed her? She said it multiple times she loved the man I became, and is happy she took me back. What's odd is I don't hate her or dislike her for what she did, actually the love I have for her never tainted. So much so, I've had hours where I feel I could take her back, then I remind myself of what she did.

I was unfaithful in the early days, I know. But we didn't love each other the first time, and she claimed she could understand the first time. And we were very early on the second time. But she had every right to not take me back for both, but she did. Doing what she did after a year of love? All the work? Before a transition into college together? It's different. But it's me questioning "Is enough enough?".

I know I sound like a chump. But I know she wouldn't do it again. I know her like the back of my hand. I know how she looks and feels when she's sorry and when she means things. I also know how it feels to be in her postion. The reasons I won't get back with her now is that, the energy and time it takes to ever be back to normal, the insecurity I would and do feel, and the fact of theres a woman out there that may never do this to me.

We had the plan to go to college together, me going to a university with her going to the attached state college, eventually transferring to my university. So we'd be a mile away from one another for four years, eventually living together. She said the dream can still happen and we can make it work. If I took her back it would be tough because I'd be at home with her for a month before I go away to summer term, I would end up being long distance with her for 6 weeks, going through this stage of our relationship. Then we'd go away to fall together and continue to heal. But it's the timing, I could possibly recover from this if I had months like she did to be together everyday, and heal. But if I took her back we don't have that, we have a month, than a long distance fragile relationship. It doesn't look so savable with this future.

If you read all the way until here, if you couldn't tell, I love this girl more than I love myself. I love her more than anything, and she changed and shaped the person I've become. I have EVERY memory with her, cant lay in my bed, be in my car, or eat without thinking about her. I'd say she changed my life. I always thought since God gave me so many chances, so many blessings to make it right, it had to be meant to be. But after this, it doesn't look so, at least at this moment and time period in my life.

She is my first true love, I mean it. I cherished her and praised her like a Goddess, so many things about us are irreplaceable and it seems like I'd never find it anywhere else. That if I went to this summer term, partied, got with girls, it would never compare to what we had, it wouldn't fill the hole, I'd still miss my baby. It makes me question, "we made it this far... mind as well stick to it and make us right," and give her another shot. But I know there is relationships out there, like my own parents, who never cheated on one another. And some out there, like us or worse that tried again and wasted time. But the thing is, even if I meet a woman who would never hurt me, it could never be my girlfriend (ex now, I guess). It's so hard to comprehend me being with another girl in any form, because it's not her.

But she also is like me back then, she wants another chance for the mistake she made, and I managed to show how great of a man to her I could be. That means she could too. Is it worth the insecurity and suffering to take her back now? Should I go the summer alone, feel the attachment pain and miss her dearly, because she was my world. Then touch on it again in fall? Or should I just say we're done, if you come back into my life so be it? I'm so lost, I need my girl, I miss her skin, her warmth, and energy. But she also betrayed me.

In this moment, and the last 6 days I bounce between despising her for what she's done, and missing her dearly and thinking she deserves the same chances I got. But I never don't love her, and I miss what we had even a week ago. But she had chances for months, and you don't forgive somebody to expect the same forgiveness and chances in return. I'm conflicted, I want to ease this pain I have inside.

Please any advice, try to put yourself in my shoes I tried to paint the whole picture as best as I can.

Last week, I (33m) discovered that my wife (33f) has been cheating on me. Both emotional cheating that finally turned physical the week prior. She showed what I think would be the general tell-tale signs of cheating during the past few weeks. Suddenly getting into self-improvement now that our kids are slightly older (age 4 and 2), various things that she has not even done for me and some are very drastic. Always wearing makeup when she didn't wear much before (even before pregnancy). She also started not allowing her phone to be left anywhere, even when brushing her teeth, her phone has to be in her pj pants pocket. There was also an instance where she went out at 4am to walk our dog 20 minutes away because she "felt sick and needed to throw up". I was so oblivious to the potential for cheating that I was actually worried about her mental health during this, but this all seemed very off until I checked her discord messages.

She has been apparently chatting with this person on and off for the past 10 years with mainly emotional cheating and playing games with him either by staying up late or playing during the workday (we both work but she's mainly wfh). In the past 2 months, they started playing more and she often neglected work to play with this person.

This person not only knows that she's married, but he knows my name, my background, our kids names, and she even sends him pictures of art projects that our kids brings home. Even one about how great of a mom she is. They even talk about me nonchalantly.

Finally my wife decided to meet him in person, which she of course lied about needing to go into the office (she took the day off as pto), and after that, they've been secretly meeting and eventually had unprotected sex. She also had sex with me afterwards (so I have to be tested but generally disgusted).

Worst part is that for Mother’s day, instead of spending time with her kids, she wanted to be left alone and “rest”, but while I was out with our 2 kids, she was at home talking and playing games with him (could have been more, who knows).

She initially showed no remorse and when confronted just said "okay, what do you want to do". Not even a sorry, nothing.

It was the first time I had anxiety. My chest was heavy and I couldn't breathe or sleep the first day/night. I asked her during the first 2 days to at least break it off and she couldn't even do that. She snuck out at night after I fell asleep to see him and even came back at 5am and messaged him that she was safe and didn't get caught.

I've gone through different phases of where I want to be. She's okay with me having 100% custody of the kids, which I'm glad. But I still didn't want to just so easily throw away the last 15 years we had together.

When I ask her if she can whole-heartly try to work on this and go all-in on us. She said no, and that while she might not see him in person. She still needs to talk to him every day.

For more background, my wife and I started dating the last year of highschool, so we've spent our entire adult life so far together (15 years).

We are going to couples counseling tomorrow but I feel discouraged because even though I'm the victim. I'm still the one trying. For the kids, her, and myself. I just can't get over losing all the past experiences I had with her and the future experiences that I had hoped to make.

I think she really only showed a bit more remorse on day 3 after seeing me cry and not even being able to sit down in the same table with our kids. I can't even look at pictures of us 4 as a family atm.

Any insight and help is greatly appreciated here.

Edit:
I just want to say thank you to everyone that read this, commented or messaged me. I greatly appreciate the support here and will try to speak to an attorney asap (already started the processed and contacted). I didn't expect this level of support. Unfortunate that this has to happen to so many people but thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Edit 2:
She just confirmed with me that even after a few nights where I thought we had productive talks to see how we can move forward between us and she said that even if she talks to the guy she won't say things like "i miss you" and "i love you", she still did it. It's over, there's nothing left here.

The hardest part of all of this is realizing that the relationship I invested in wasn’t fully real. We started as friends, and I trusted him completely, never knowing that someone from his past had quietly made her way back into his life. He never told me she returned or that she wanted another chance with him after abruptly ending their engagement two years ago.

I only learned the truth by accident when I saw her name appear on his phone. He finally admitted everything because he had no choice. And even then, I could feel that a part of him had never let her go. I asked him directly if he still wanted us, and he said yes, but after that conversation, his behavior toward me changed completely. The respect, care, and consistency disappeared. He flipped a switch and became cruel.

I ended the relationship because I refused to keep accepting half-truths and disrespect, but what hurts most is that he never gave me the apology, honesty, or accountability I deserved. It’s painful when someone you valued so deeply turns out to be very different from who you believed they were. Now I’m trying to make peace with the anger, sadness, and disappointment that come with having your trust broken by someone you genuinely loved and respected.

I don’t know how to move past this anger and betrayal. I keep picturing their happy ending and it feels so unfair.