I won't get into the full backstory, its the typical:
My wife started becoming friends with a male coworker, my wife and I had been fighting more about everything, and that coworker was there for her in ways I wasn't — so she cheated.
My husband and I have been together for 21 years and married for 14. A few months ago, he reconnected with an ex-girlfriend from over 20 years ago. He repeatedly told me they were "just friends," but I later discovered there had been emotional and physical infidelity. There were months of lies, secrecy, and deception surrounding the relationship.
Since then, I've told him the one thing I need to even begin rebuilding trust is for him to end contact with her. His response is that she's "just a friend," he's entitled to his own friendships, and his therapist says everyone deserves friendships. He insists there's nothing romantic anymore and refuses to stop talking to her.
At the same time, he's in a serious mental health crisis. He's seeing a therapist, is on medication, and says he's doing better, but he still has episodes of intense self-hatred and shame.
We have two young boys. Right now I'm trying to balance supporting the father of my children, protecting our kids, and dealing with my own heartbreak.
The part I can't move past is this: he knows how deeply continuing this friendship hurts me, and he still chooses to keep her in his life. It feels like every day he is choosing that relationship over rebuilding trust with me.
For those who have successfully co-parented after infidelity, especially when the affair partner remained in your ex's life, how did you stop letting it consume you? How did you accept that you couldn't control their choices and still protect your own peace?
And if you've navigated co-parenting with someone who was also struggling with significant mental health issues, how did you balance compassion with your responsibility to keep your children safe?
I'm looking for perspective from people who've actually lived something similar because right now I feel emotionally exhausted and stuck.
Been together for a long time. Wife had an affair when we were trying to conceive. Her reasons don’t matter, I forgave her and I’m over it. We had a son, as he’s grown up he looks very much like me, but he has brown hair and brown eyes, I am blonde and blue eyed, she is brunette with green eyes. Parents all the same. She’s been fixated on this concept that she thinks the boy isn’t mine, I keep telling her genetics isn’t that simple. She wants me to get a paternity test. I don’t want to.
That’s my son. Regardless.
I worry that in worst case she will view him as a reminder of infidelity and treat the boy differently.
The thought now occurs she may want to reconnect with his father if it isn’t me. Though I think that is unlikely.
Anyway, she’s just been really pressing the issue and it is bothering me that she is so hung up on it.
My husband and I have been married five years this month and together for 13 years. we are in our early 40’s and have one child together and he has two from previous relationships.
I believe he is a serial cheater.
The multiple texts and online messages I stumble across are mere “attention seeking” I was told. He was in the military so we did long distance for a while, as he joined later in life and I had already established career. I just chalked up the last 5 years to that but the other years were off and on because of the infidelity.
The other day I checked his phone and sure enough there is a message from a girl that he hooked up with while he was gone. He doesn’t want to talk about it at the moment and barely apologized. He doesn’t respect me or he wouldn’t do this but I have it in my mind he can change. He hasn’t in the past, why would he now?
I don’t know where to start. My heart aches but I’m saving face for my family until I know what I’m doing. Is therapy out of the question at this point? Do Most start with a separation before divorce? I don’t know how to navigate this now that we are married. I don’t take marriage lightly but I fear there will be no ending this cycle.
I (24F) miss him (25M) every single day. I cry for him every single day. Ive posted here before and I just dont know what Im supposed to do.
Since i found out my fiance of seven years was cheating on me, I have moved to a new city and got a new job and have made some friends.
I am still in the same mindset of when I found out. I just wish this pain and stress would be over, it is consuming me.
We last spoke 2 months ago when i got a new phone plan and had to be taken off of his. Everyday i want to reach out.
Hes been telling people that I was the one that cheated and that i was the one that stole money from him (which is the opposite of the truth). I feel so stupid that i couldnt see how much of a liar and manipulator he was… But i also miss him. I miss feeling safe. I miss being loved.
Im just so tired of worrying about him and missing him. Im so tired of crying as soon as i get home for hours. This is the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with.
I can't fight through right now. I don't know what I'm doing. Or how to deal. I'm spiralling today because of the pain. How do I get through it? I'm not trying to dwell on it, I want to get past it. But how do I do that when I can't go to counseling. How do I work through this? The thoughts just come when it's quiet. Not even the thoughts necessarily about him cheating on me. But about the pain that he's caused me. That I'm not happy right now. that I'm hurting and I don't know how to make it go away. I feel like he threw me away. I don't know how to heal from this. Especially while being with him and acting like everything is fine for everyone else. Trying to get through the day and focus on every other aspect of my life. This morning taking my shower I just had some thoughts come in I don't even remember now what they were but the feelings were debilitating. And I just broke down and wanted to curl up on the floor. I just want to curl up and cry but I can't because my kids don't know anything. And I want to keep it that way. They don't need to know what is going on. they don't need to know what their father has done. My family doesn't need to know right now what has happened. And I just feel so alone. And I'm having panic attacks and I don't know how to get through this. I just want to be anywhere but here. There are most times when I feel all right. And there are times when I feel like I just want to go scorched Earth. I want to chop off all my hair and get tattoos and run away from everything and start completely over. I want to tell everybody in the world that he knows and that I know and blow his entire life up, blow my entire life up. But I don't think that will solve anything.
WH said it was a one time thing (well twice in one month same woman). Meant absolutely nothing. I found out by accident. Together almost 19 years at that point. DDay#1 was 1 yr ago this week. It really started affecting me about 5 months ago. I thought I had it mostly under control and dealing well with it until that point. He seems to be doing/willing to do the work, but I haven't really figured out what exactly I need from him yet so I'm not sure yet. But we have decided on reconciliation. I am journaling. I just started "the Betrayal Bind". Any thoughts or advice if I can't afford counseling? 💜
Background:
My wife (31) and I (28) have been together for 8 years. I moved to a new town and met her at work. We hit it off very quickly. Started dating and went through a lot very early on. She was there when I was at the bottom in my life. Bouncing from place to place living in unsafe environments. She was there when my best friend tragically passed away and we got married pretty shortly after. We started progressing in our careers,finally got moved into somewhere safe, but still didn’t have lots of money to do fun things to keep up with friends. I was working two jobs and treating her like a queen to make up where I lacked financially.
D-Day:
Throughout the course of me always working and us living in a better environment. I was trying to be the cool husband letting her go out and stay with friends whenever she wanted. She had friends and I didn’t as she had lived there much longer than me. There were a few times she would say she was going to visit friends then would claim to fall asleep and not come home. I was too naive to think much of it and thought she would never do me like that. This went on for about a year and her night outs started becoming more common. She went out with friends and got so drunk I had to pick her up from the bar. While driving her home I seen a guys name text her phone. I had a horrible gut feeling and went through her phone while she was sleeping.
I found that she had a physical affair with a guy that she had been talking to for nearly a month. She stayed with him twice when she told me she was staying with a friend. She claims to this day they only hooked up on the first night and did nothing the second. I still don’t believe that. There was also her ex that she was talking to about hooking up with. And a few other guys she had been sharing nude photos with. I confronted her the next morning and she owned it all. Claimed she did it for herself and never meant to hurt me.
Why I initially forgave:
Our relationship was pretty rocky due to our finances and just feeling behind in life. I was using her nights out as an escape and looking at things online I shouldn’t have been. But mainly because back in high school I hooked up with my best friend’s girlfriend. His girlfriend and I dated for nearly a year before they started dating and she came on to me when I was heavily intoxicated. He found out the very next morning and forgave me a few weeks later after we fought. We ended up living together and became better friends than ever. He ended up tragically passing away. I feel as if I stop forgiving my wife for what she did it’s as if he would’ve stopped forgiving me for what I did.
Then to now:
We moved to a new town shortly after her affair and things have slowly gotten back to normal. She seems remorseful and hasn’t gone out a single time since. Offers me access to her phone and promises to never do something like that again. My problem now is it still hurts like new at times. I have triggers that start my hurt all over again. But now 5 years later it’s something that she has moved on from that I still can’t quite shake. I thought time would heal the wounds. Which it has for the most part but there’s still pain that lingers and if brought up she just says I should leave or I should’ve left along time ago. Things are great now. We’re thriving and happy but I still have bad days. I feel like I’ve wasted my whole twenties and might as well stay for good at this point. But just need advice
The girl I love for 5 years threw everything we built away and moved on with the guy I was worried about in 2 weeks. My trust is shattered. I can’t stop replaying everything in my head and wondering how this could happen.
My friend has been telling me she’s been posting him excessively on her Snapchat story. From everything he’s told me, she’s constantly posting pictures of them together, flaunting their new relationship for everyone to see. She’s posting them sleeping over, brushing their teeth together, doing skincare together, riding his motorcyle, and sharing all of these couple things, that less than a month ago, were the things she was doing with me.
She’s been excessively posting him on Instagram too. She blocked my main , but I’ve been looking from an alternate account. She’s constantly posting pictures of them together, flaunting their new relationship. She’s constantly putting this new relationship on display while I’m left dying. I know it’s only hurting me to check, but the images replay in my mind no matter what.
What destroys me the most is that I cant function while my mind constantly replays them together. I cant eat, I can’t enjoy anything, and every minute my mind is filled with images of them sleeping in the same bed, waking up next to each other, brushing their teeth together, doing skincare together, going out together, laughing together, and living the life that, less than a month ago, was ours.
What makes all of this even harder is that I can’t even stomach the thought of being with or talking to another girl right now. I went out with friends and I felt completely repulsed by the idea of anyone else because my heart is still stuck on the person I spent five years with. I can’t imagine being intimate with someone else, building new memories with someone else, or replacing what we had. Meanwhile, from everything I’ve been told and everything I’ve seen, she’s already spending nights with another guy, sleeping with him, brushing their teeth together, doing skincare together, and sharing all of the little everyday couple moments that, less than a month ago, was our life.
I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to process being unable to even look at another girl while the person I loved is already doing all of the things we used to do with someone new.
For context before any of this we have had a perfect relationship. As of the past couple of months though my girlfriend and I have had a dead bedroom problem. She would say that I wasn’t meeting her needs or making her feel wanted. Any attempt I would make would immediately get shut down and be what feels like being pushed away. 3 weeks ago I brought this up and things did improve. She would constantly mention this other guy who she said was an old friend from her previous job. I have no problems with her having male friends but she also mentioned him multiple times a day. She also said he used to have feelings for her and if he tried anything with her she would shut it down and stop talking to him. One night I decided to look at her messages with him and found he was constantly saying sexual things to her. I confronted her and she said it was only going on for 2 days and she was going to tell me. She did not reciprocate any of the sexual messaging that I know of (it was on Snapchat and multiple snaps were sent between them.) She felt really remorseful and I decided to give her a second chance. Our bedroom life started to decline again and I started to be pushed away so I checked her phone again. I found more messages between them and the guy apologized to which she said no don’t be sorry. I haven’t confronted her yet but was planning to propose soon and I want to marry this woman and feel completely lost about what I should do.
My ex is posting beyond excessively with the guy she’s been dating 2 weeks after we broke up. It feels like every single day there’s another picture, another post. I know checking her social media is hurting me. I know it reopens the wound every time. People keep telling me to stop looking, and logically I understand why.
But emotionally, it doesn’t feel optional. The urge feels like a necessity. It feels like if I don’t look, I’m missing something I have to know, even though every time I check I end up feeling worse. It’s like my brain convinces me that the next post will somehow give me clarity, when all it really gives me is more pain.
What I can’t wrap my head around is why she’s doing this. The amount she’s posting feels so different from the person I knew for five years. I keep thinking, It genuinely doesn’t feel like the same person I built a life with. That’s one of the hardest parts of all of this. I’m not only grieving the relationship I’m grieving the fact that the person I’m seeing now is completely unrecognizable compared to the girl I love. I know I can’t truly know what’s going on in her mind or why she’s making the choices she is making. But watching it unfold from the outside has been devastating. They’re posting like kissing photos, doing things together that we would be doing. It’s just so beyond evil. Any advice?
It’s only been a few weeks since I (38) found out my husband (44) has been sleeping with his ex wife for the past year and a half. We’d only been married a few months when it started. Something felt off with our marriage; like he suddenly had a brick wall around him that I couldn’t connect with him anymore despite trying endlessly. Plus something seemed seriously weird about their dynamic; they can’t stand each other and their marriage was incredibly toxic/she was abusive to him. I know from outside sources that she’s a warped human. I’ve never been with anyone who was divorced and shared a child w their ex so I didn’t know what was normal.
My nearly 4 y/o daughter has only ever known him as a father figure since she was 18 months. I adore my stepdaughter (16) and I know I might just be the only reliable parent figure she has right now.
The stress has been killing me mentally and now that I know the truth I’m bouncing between anger and pure depression. I found out about it when he needed help with storage on his phone… guess he didn’t realize everything was still in his icloud and I just stumbled right into photos/videos/texts. She sent unsolicited nude pics to begin with, started stalking him at the gym and basically waited for him to cave.
He confessed when I confronted him, has seemed sick with remorse since, found a marriage counselor and hasn’t blamed me once for his choices. Said he’s been feeling like the worst person alive because he’s never cheated on anyone before, can’t stand his ex wife as a person and knows I am everything he has ever prayed for and loves me. Said he’d tried NC with her on and off, told her to leave him alone but they have a child together and had to talk eventually and she’d start trying to sleep with him again. He acknowledges he made the *choice* though.
He’s agreed to find an individual therapist to try to figure out why he did this but has yet to follow through. He doesn’t want anyone to know about his actions. I agreed to *try* to reconcile … I’m trying to find myself an individual counselor.
I just can’t stop thinking about all the lies, the sneaking around and the “evidence” I saw has been playing in my head nonstop. I feel sick to my stomach 24/7.
He is my second husband, my first husband passed away after 17 years together. I thought this was my second chance at love… and I still love him despite it all and the idea of divorce makes my heart break even more. Financially I’d be ruined if I walked away; I’ve never been able to make as much as he does and I’m drowning in student loans. I can’t afford to leave even if I wanted to. My daughter would be inconsolable without him.
Does anyone suggest anything that can help me ease this pain? Books… sites, podcasts. I’ll try anything. Just some support so I don’t feel so alone. Thank you so much
Hi, DD was 1 year ago and I still talk about the affair most days! I’m still so mad and heartbroken. I still have so many questions and I still just grill him always!
I’m realising I can’t do it and I think I’m making it worse! All I can do is leave!
Someone blew the whistle on my wife about 5 weeks ago. Even then she denied it. It was only after I checked her Google Maps that she reluctantly admitted to it.
The night which finally caught up with her was when she dropped me off at the airport before she met up with him at a bar.
I was travelling to support my oldest son (17) playing in a tournament.
She kept on telling me I should go and it was meant to be that I have to be there.
She used her mom as some sort of an alibi, as she took her to the bar. They only stayed about 2 hours and then she left with her mom to her house.
This is not where it stopped. The affair partner came to pick her up at her moms house around midnight. And it is clear on Google Maps that they drove around for a couple of hours. They looked for a motel but couldn't find one.
Eventually they stopped at a friend of the AP'shouse and had sex there. The wife of the friend later recognised my wife on Facebook and told the person who told me.
My flight was cancelled and I had to stay over as it was rescheduled for the next night. This made my wife nervous so she left very early to go back to her moms house. The daughter of the friend dropped her off as the AP was too hungover.
When she finally admitted she said it was a one night stand. I told her that if that if I find out tomorrow that she was lying to me, I will tell the children and my mom, whom she is very close to.
She reluctantly admitted and started to tell me everything. Seven months. During this time she systematically trashed my name with her family.
One night at a family gathering, this was just when the affair started, she got drunk and openly told everyone how bad a husband I was. Severe gaslighting. Up to then I thought we were happy, in fact I thought we had a great relationship.
I was in bed while she trashed my name, thinking I can't hear it. I went downstairs and confronted her when all hell broke loose with the sisters and sister in laws shouting and screaming at me.
She never used to drink but apparently since meeting the AP she became a drinker.
The amount of deceit and cold hearted planning that went into this relationship is astonishing.
She revealed that she often left our children at my mom's to go and meet him.
Everytime I was out of town she went to him. And this guy had a full time girlfriend. He is divorced because of infidelity.
At first it was almost as if she did not see much wrong with what she did. She said that she wants to work on our relationship and defiantly stated that she wanted more fun.
A few days later shame did start to set in. I managed to get through to her- told her exactly what she did.
She started shaking and vomiting from sheer shame.
We went to see a therapist a few times trying to see if we can salvage this.
Only if you have been betrayed will you ever understand the pain and constant adrenaline.
I hated her and soon after I felt so close to her. Back and forth- one extreme to the next.
I couldn't and still can't cope with daily life. I still drop if the kids and take care of them but my work is another story. I am a coach and at the moment I just hate my job.
For the first 3 weeks I slept whenever I could. I was just exhausted. Still not much better.
Eventually my wife seem to go from shame to remorse, which is needed if we want to heal.
She seems to be on the straight and narrow and she is taking responsibility for the most part.
But lately it is starting to feel like she is back at giving herself a reason why she did it.
I still sit with the pain but she seems okay. Which is the way it goes for these kind of things.
Leaving her is complicated. We work together. Also, I do not want to live in this town. We made plans to leave this place as soon as we could.
If I leave her now, I will have to stay here to see the kids.
The kids don't know, although they do suspect. My 12 year old boy told his older brother that he thinks mom is cheating. He saw a podcast called "Women cheat too".
They both noticed her strange behaviour the past 7 months. Late nights out when I am not there. New drinking culture.
My mom also don't know. They are like best friends.
It bothers me that she trashed my name via countless chats with her mom during the gaslight phase.
Her mom knows about the night he came to pick her up at her house. The details are a bit murky. My wife first said she snuck out. Her mom didn't know. Later she said her mom thought she was going out with friends. Either way, what wife and mom of three goes out at midnight.
Another thing. We agreed not to tell anyone for now.
About two weeks ago I checked her phone- she has given me access after D day but I basically stopped checking.
There was a message from her sister saying "can we chat?" to which my wife replied "yes I will just delete before I get home".
She then sent a voice note saying actually she can't chat now, she then forgot to delete the previous message.
This is deceit.
Anyways I confronted her and she said she told her about the affair. Not much detail, just that she saw him. The sister said she understands and they then proceeded to talk about the kids.
This all sound very strange. Anyways, I asked her that to move forward she must find a way to fix my name with her family.
She has to tell them that she made up lies to justify her behaviour.
I asked her weeks ago and last week I formally requested her to do it. With formally I mean I use a method the therapist gave us.
Where you make an appointment and then you start with a complement before proceeding with "what bother me about" , the reason why and then what you expect from your partner.
She has to repeat what you say.
Wel I asked her to fix my name but she has not done anything.
I don't know, betrayal is such an evil act. I can't be happy ever with her again it seems nor without her.
Is there some positive relatable stories from someone, please share.
I have to consider what would be best for our children. Especially the 12 and 4 year old.
If I was half the man I was before this betrayal, I would just have taken the kids and foound work somewhere else.
At the moment I am too wounded and my self esteem is so low. I can't imagine finding a new job.
Hi… it’s me again….. the BW who longed for her WH to get out the hospital to try to reconcile our marriage. I guess this would be a 4 month after update.
After a good chunk of seeing positive progress, things started to feel the same again….. and yesterday, I discovered he has been on and off Facebook since returning home from the hospital 4 months ago after him saying he would take a year break from social media. I can’t lie, I saw it coming.
Things started feeling strange again between us.
It started with TikTok because he was getting bored of YouTube reels. I said it would be okay, because I chose to trust him.
Then a coworker asked him to get discord again. He gave me the username and password.
Then him making comments about instagram even though he didn’t have one anymore.
I got curious and looked at his email and saw Facebook was logged onto again. I got onto it and checked the activity and all it was was just searching me…. And a lot girls who weren’t me, including one he didn’t realize I knew. I couldn’t see messenger so I don’t know if anything was ever said to anyone.
Then I found out about the second instagram… the one I never knew about until I found out he was cheating….. and a girl he had searched was following him.
Knowing the answer and having my evidence already I foolishly asked “you have Facebook back?”.
He told me he was just curious what’s new and was deactivating it then. All I said was “promise?” And of course, he promised…..he asked if I was okay and I told him “it’s weird being curious what’s ‘new’ on Facebook and that last time I heard that from someone they used it to just search girls.” He offered me his phone and to which I declined stating no because of last time I went through it. I would find something.
I tried to get into another email, but it sent a code to his phone; frustrated he sent the password. I asked why not just send the Facebook password, and he did.
I already knew the answers but he still ranted about not trusting him and how I would never trust him. Then it came down to me flat out telling him I was right, and asked who specific girls were. He said an old friend and one who he searched multiple times was an old fling.
Turned into me repeatedly telling him I’m fine, that my world wasn’t crumbling, that I’ll be okay and in the end I can’t be mad or upset because I chose to stay in this marriage. He kept telling me he was hurt but I made sure that he knew we wouldn’t be focusing on HIS hurt, and that it didn’t negate the fact that what I found was true. He apologized for continually breaking my trust and consistently hurting me.
I’ve heard that before.
The same day,he picked up his kids for Fourth of July asking me for a happy family day. He was sad the whole time. I just stayed to myself sitting next to him, feeling him stare at me with the saddest eyes. I continually told him no sense in being sad, I’m fine and I wasn’t sad over it. I had a great time with the kids. I love them so much….
The night wrapped up. I went to bed, he slept on the couch.
This morning, he slept on the couch with kids, the other two were sleeping also, I kept quiet in our bedroom.
I get a text asking if we’re ever going to go back to normal and honestly the feeling I had was what is normal anymore.
I told him this
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t want to lie to you and say yes, but I also don’t want to tell you no. I’m not angry. I just don’t know what ‘normal’ looks like for us anymore.”
His response: “The normal was us laughing with one another, spending time together, watching movies in bed together, brain rotting together, and being goofy with each other. But yeah I figured. Then do you want a divorce then? Because I don't want you to live a life where you obviously don't know what to feel and you're just numb. I put my effort in, and I did what I had to do. I tried to show you my accomplishments and journey, and growth. But ultimately I knew it didn't mean for shit.”
I asked if he wanted to come to the room and talk, his response was no because he knows how I feel now.
I asked him how do I feel? He said don’t worry about it.
Me: If it’s that I don’t love you, it’s wrong.
I love you more than anything in this world. I’m hurting. Plain and simple.
Him: “If you can't even feel like we can go back to being our happy selves where we both were excited for your promotion, we potentially add a new member to the family. Our kitten, but now you are telling me that you don't know what normal is. All day You were telling me you're fine Now you're telling me you're hurting. It's fine, I get it. I'll drop it, and I'll get the kids ready to leave soon. And unfollowed me from TikTok, cool. You really don't like me much. Thanks.”
Me: Being fine and hurting aren’t opposites. I wasn’t lying to you. I wasn’t angry, and I wasn’t falling apart. I’m still not . But I’m still hurting from everything that’s happened. Those things can exist at the same time. I can still be happy and hurt.
When I said I don’t know what ‘normal’ is anymore, I wasn’t saying I don’t love you or that none of the good memories matter. I was saying I don’t know what our relationship looks like after my trust has been broken so many times through lies of omission. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
I know you’ve made changes, and I’ve acknowledged them because they matter. But trust isn’t rebuilt by just effort…. also takes consistency over time. That’s the part I’m still waiting on.
I unfollowed your tiktok because I had a message request from the same girl trying to message me from instagram. I deleted tiktok in general.
I got a thumbs up emoji.
Next thing he comes to the room to get a charger and says he’s just going to get out of my life completely.
The last thing said to him was this:
Please don’t jump from me saying I’m hurting to saying you’ll leave my life. I don’t want to have to choose between pretending I’m okay and losing my husband. I need you to hear my pain without assuming I’m asking you to leave. I don’t want you to get out of my life. If I wanted that, I wouldn’t still be here trying to explain how I feel. I need you to understand that me being hurt isn’t the same thing as me not loving you. But I also can’t pretend the hurt is gone just so you feel better.
And it’s been silence. I don’t know where my marriage is. Are we separating? Are we going to be okay? Are we going to ever be ‘normal’ again? I don’t know.
What I do know is I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling lonely in the same room as him, not looking at my self in the mirror, not taking pictures of my self because I feel disgusting, not feeling heard, not feeling like the priority. I know I can’t control his impulsivity. I know I can’t tolerate this kind of disrespect again. When I chose to stay, so many people told me that the fear of it happening again would progressively eat me alive, and I’ve noticed it chipping away at me. Finding things like this again just makes it feel like the pieces missing of me are gone for nothing.
I don’t know what I expect or expected. Did I think he would really change because he loved me? Did I think that making myself smaller would keep the peace? Did I think he would be loyal just because he told me he would? Did I really believe him when he told me he “only had eyes for me?”
Probably all of the above.
So now, just like 4 months ago, I’m in my room alone while married, waiting.
Waiting to see if he comes home from taking the kids back to their grandmother’s.
Waiting to see if he wants to talk about things.
Waiting to have my feeling acknowledged.
Waiting to hear if we’ll be filing for a separation.
And waiting to feel like I’m emotionally safe with him.
He lied to me on Thursday told me his phone died. I saw messages in his recently deleted from Thursday. We just had a baby. I am numb. Basically, this girl is professing her love for him and even discussing a ring? Idk. I can’t cry, I can’t talk, I can’t sleep. Idk what to think- I am numb.
I found out my girlfriend had cheated on me about a month ago. We’ve been together since sophomore year of high school and now we’re about to enter college. She had put us on a break for about a month stating that she was depressed and needed space. we were planning on fixing things until she spent the night at my house and i checked her phone. I found messages to a random guy on discord that were really flirty but she snatched the phone out of my hands before i could see anymore. I was so angry i made her leave my house immediately. We’ve talked since then and i told her its just too hard not to think about what could have been in those messages and what she was doing. She texts me everyday saying how it was the worst mistake of her life, how she regrets it so much and it was stupid. She even promises me if she gets a second chance she will do everything right for me this time. I mean i believe people can change but im not sure. Should i give her a second chance? I do miss what we had. Before this whole mess she checked all the boxes. I just thought what we had was special and we could be life long partners before all this. Should i try again with her?
My wife always referred to our marriage as my show. She meant it in a way that it was all about me or what I wanted
I’m autistic, 31 she is 28, she is a chaotic organizer. I am ocd literally diagnosed ocd. I have thrown away year old stuff from our fridge since she left. I have thrown away paper work from over 10 years ago from before we were married.
Our whole marriage she wanted a large house. Less than one year into marriage on my income alone we got a non traditional credit loan and bought the third house we looked at.
She went through multiple hobbies throughout our marriage every one was going to be a successful business. Non ever panned out in fact she gave up on them and I usually tried to help her until I got tired of doing it alone. Our whole marriage was these events. Whether it was a garden or the chickens and goats I still have she’d start it and I’d be the one finishing it, keeping it alive.
When I found out it was on Sunday the 21st after driving 6 hours home from our 9th anniversary trip. Our anniversary date was June 17th. Our son was born June 19th 2021. We were married in 2017. And now the 21st is the date that will live in infamy. My Pearl Harbor if you will.
She hadn’t said I love you back to me in like a month. So I asked why, no response, so I asked do you not anymore? She said not for some time now. I asked if she was going to leave me. She said yes but hadn’t figured all of the details out yet. I asked if she had cheated and she said yes earlier today the 21st of June.
She cheated with her 53 year old boss. He has all the money she could ever need. She will finally get those fake tits she has asked for since we got married yes since we got married and we’re on my less than 40,000 a year income alone she was asking for those back then.
I’m already certain it’s all tied to her daddy issues and family issues from childhood. I’m really confused though, had this secretly been her show all along. She wanted all of the things. A giant house new money making projects this next thing will make her feel complete or happy. I think he is currently filling her desire to get the things she wants. Throughout our marriage she always said slyly I get what I want. I thought it was a joke but I think she meant it now.
Was my wife always looking for more?
Like I’m not rich I’m blue collar and I make a decent wage but not giant house suburban happiness setting wage. We have lived in a nice single wide for the last couple years after selling the house we couldn’t afford on my income. She got a full time job a couple years ago and things got a lot easier. But both of us just kind of bought more things. She got obsessed with work and my son and I got left by ourselves a lot.
I had a struggle with porn addiction when we got married. I’ve had that on and off during our marriage. The last few years I’ve been making a lot of progress in that area. Completely clean now. She would get so angry at me for it. She put parental controls on my phone at one point for several years.
I understand now she had severe self image issues going back into childhood because she watched her mom deal with a cheating father and do everything she could to be more attractive. I think I failed to tell my wife often enough how beautiful she was or how much she meant to me.
I really tried to take care of her though. I was there for her when her mother was fighting breast cancer and later succumbed to brain cancer. I was there when she found out her father was a lier and cheater. When she found out he may have been cheating on her mother when she was dying. I was there when her father got 2 dui and she needed more support. I tried to give her all the thing nags for projects and hobbies she wanted. I tried to purchase 3 different houses for her over the course of our marriage.
Is she with this 53 year old because he gives her fatherly fulfillment? Does it satisfy some kind of desire to be dominated? She has that desire let me tell you. I’m not that kind of guy either. I’m the loving type soft spoken until I need to not be. Like if I’m angry things have gotten bad I a fairly peaceable autist. Why did she cheat on me with a multimillionaire 53 year old? I never returned interest from other women. I barely even talked to other women. Heck I’m not even comfortable around women generally. It took me way too long to ask my sooner than later ex wife out. She would freak is a woman smiled at me. I’m at a loss.
She always said things like I want a man who will fight for me and chase me. What does that mean? Three weeks later I have so many questions. Not a lot of answers. She told me she was just gonna figure it all out then tell me. She never expected me to ask questions and catch on. I didn’t think she was this kind of woman. I never expected her to just up and leave on day. I did so much for her. We had our ups and downs but I loved her.
Anyways there’s my rant any thoughts would be much appreciated answers to the questions also appreciated. Thanks!
For some context, my wife and I have been married for almost seven years (our anniversary is in October). We have two kids, a five-year-old daughter and a three-year-old son.
Yesterday, we went to her parents’ house to spend time with her family. While we were there, I found out she had been cheating on me.
She worked at the same job for about a year and a half before leaving yesterday. During that time, she became very close with several coworkers, both male and female. I always had concerns about how close she was with some of the men she worked with.
Earlier this year, we even went to marriage counseling for about three months to work on rebuilding trust and helping me process my feelings about those relationships. Everyone around me kept telling me that I needed to trust my wife, but I could never shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.
Yesterday, I went to grab a drink from the fridge and noticed she had left her phone by the front door. I’ve never been the type to go through her phone, but she had been acting differently the day before, and something told me to look.
When I opened it, I saw a Snapchat notification. I opened the conversation, and everything I had feared was right there. She had been having an affair.
I confronted her immediately. We argued, but I couldn’t wrap my head around how she could do this. I have loved every minute of our marriage. I love her, I love her family, and I love our kids more than anything. She’s always told me how happy she was with our life together, so this completely blindsided me.
Her parents came downstairs after hearing all the yelling. I told them that their daughter had been having an affair. After that, I left and came back to our house.
I’ve been sitting on my deck all night drinking beer, and I honestly don’t know what to do next. I feel like the life I thought I had has been ripped away from me.
I still love my wife, but I also don’t know how you come back from something like this. We have two young children, and right now I’m overwhelmed, heartbroken, and completely lost.
Has anyone been through something similar? What were your first steps? Any advice would really mean a lot right now.
Update:
I’ve had some time to look at all the responses and work through everything in my head.
First, I’ve stopped drinking. I’m not a big drinker by any means, but that amount of stress put me in a place I’ve never really been before. It felt like the only way to make the pain stop, even temporarily, was to drink. I know that’s not the answer, so I’ve stopped.
Second, I have not contacted her since everything happened.
She did admit to cheating, but I don’t believe she admitted to the full extent of the affair. At first, she tried to downplay it by saying it was just “foreplay” and that it only happened once. Then, halfway through the argument, she backtracked and said, “Well, the first time was a couple of months ago.” That alone tells me there’s a lot I still don’t know.
What I do know is that she admitted to it, and I have the evidence. I had her phone and took screenshots of the Snapchat messages that clearly show she was cheating. Those screenshots are backed up to both my email and my phone storage.
Her parents agree that she should stay with them for now, and the kids will remain in my custody. Next weekend, we may meet to work out a temporary custody arrangement while we’re separated.
The hardest part for me to wrap my head around is that she’s admitted to cheating, but I still don’t believe I’ve been told the whole truth. I told her mother that if reconciliation is ever going to be considered, she needs to write out a complete, 100% truthful timeline of everything she’s lied about throughout our marriage—whether it involves infidelity or not.
I know many of you have told me to go completely no contact and never seek closure. I understand why you’re saying that. But I honestly don’t know if I could ever have peace without knowing the full truth—without understanding just how much I was deceived.
This will probably be my last update for a while until I’ve spoken with lawyers and have a better idea of what comes next.
On a more positive note, I’ve already been working out consistently for the past two months. I’m just an average-built guy—not overweight—but I’ve always wanted to put on more muscle. As strange as it sounds, this situation has given me even more motivation to push myself harder in the gym over the coming weeks.
I also reached out to my employer and let them know I need to take a leave of absence while I work through everything and get my life back in order.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out, offered advice, or simply taken the time to read my story. Even if I haven’t responded to everyone, I’ve read far more comments than you probably realize, and I genuinely appreciate the support.
We've essentially had zero contact since March when he told our 4 year old he hated her and wished he wasn't her father, but today I noticed he deleted all traces of our girls (almost 2 and 4) off his social media.
It still just shocks me how drastic the change was. Prior to that day in March, he was love bombing me for 12 weeks. We had plans to watch Super Mario for his birthday with the girls, we were going to go to the Bronx Zoo for Mother's Day. I was joking with my coworkers wondering when the love bombing would stop because the time before that lasted 2 years, but I had a feeling it would end any day. But did I think it would end with seeing his old mistress as a suggested friend and finding out the mistress he met during my pregnancy stayed with him? Nope, I had zero idea. She had only been on 2 dates with him when I let her know we were married 14 years and had IVF to get pregnant and also had a toddler. She's a freaking OB nurse, it grosses me out that someone working with pregnant women has no problem dating men with pregnant wives.
I still just can't believe the weight of it all. How do you go from seeing a 4 and 1.5 year old every week, to essentially pretending they don't exist. He told his mother she wasn't his. He's told his friends he has no kids and that I forged all the documents. I was notified today that he inactivated his coparenting app and since he blocked me, there's zero way of even contacting him if I wanted to. I doubt he even realizes our 4 year old is scheduled for surgery next Tuesday.
I know karma caught up with him, he got two other women pregnant (not the mistress that's still by his side), he got sued for 12k in May and 6k in June, so I know things are unraveling, but it's gross to me that he never had to be single for a day. He traded 14 years and 2 babies, and got rewarded with a girlfriend who stays by his side through it all. Her sister was stalking my Facebook for awhile, but I finally blocked everybody.
It's just so wild to me. Everybody used to say what a great dad he was. Every time we'd be out in public everybody would compliment how hands on her was with them. Father's day was tough for our 4 year old. We were on a cruise but during kids club they made so many Father's Day crafts and you could just see her mood shift afterwards. I have her in therapy but it felt like a heavy weight because I had no idea if he would pop back up and ask to see them again, but I feel like after being notified of the app inactivation and seeing he deleted all traces of them off social media, it feels pretty final that we'll never see or hear from him again, at least not for several years.
I don't know if I'll ever make sense how we went from IVF and two very much planned pregnancies to essentially zero way to reach him before our daughter even turns two
TLDR at the end if you don’t want to read!
My bf of 8 years (27m) and I (26f) live downtown (city centre) in a city that hosts an internationally recognized festival for roughly 10 days.
On Thursday night it was my bf’s yearly company party for this festival, which had an open bar and we all attended. Following the party a bunch of my bf’s coworkers and him went to a concert at one of the music festival tents and I returned to our apartment, which is in the middle of the downtown area.
I went to bed following the party as I expected my partner not to get home until the early hours, and have never had any reason to have concerns about him, especially since he is a muscular larger guy. He woke me up at 1:30 am freaking out and pacing beside our bed, before blurting out that he cheated on me.
This is where my head starts to hurt because of the story that follows; He told me that he walked home and as he was scanning into our apartment building he heard someone yelling at him from their car. A girl had pulled over and was gesturing him over to her car, so he went over because he thought she may need directions and was lost (which has happened before). I don’t know what was said at this point but he got into the car, where the girl then proceeded to tell him she was DD for her friends, she has a boyfriend, she’s clean from STI’s and then kissed him before pulling his pants down and going down on him. He said that between the booze and shock his penis didn’t get hard and then when he realized what was happening left the vehicle.
He said he was very drunk, which I know is true because he had been drinking since midafternoon at the party with an open bar and then continued at the concert. He said he didn’t reciprocate anything, he said he didn’t touch her. I said it sounds like he was taken advantage of then, and that he didn’t provide consent. If one of my female friends told me that they thought they were helping someone with directions and then that person proceeded to put themselves on them without consent and they were in a state of shock - it would be rape.
Here is where I am struggling now, he still chose to get into that vehicle, to not just say « I have a girlfriend » and walk into our building that was feet away, but he said he didn’t think anything like that would happen when he did. Based on how our street is laid out she would have had to follow him from one of the main roads a couple blocks away as it’s pretty secluded, which is horrifying in itself. I still feel betrayed because for a split second he chose against us by getting in that car but then I feel bad because no one deserves to be assaulted. He has never given any indication of cheating tendencies or pre-disposed behaviours, he’s pretty socially awkward and doesn’t even like talking to others.
His immediate remorse and absolute panic after tells me he was freaking out, and he knew what he had just done what I’ve always said was unforgivable for me. I’ve had previous partners cheat on me and have always said that I would break up with him immediately. But this doesn’t feel like any of those previous times.
We talked that night and didn’t sleep, and continue to talk whenever something crosses our minds. But I’m hurting and spiralling in self doubt. It feels like I’ve felt every stage of grief concurrently and they’re all trapped beneath my skin but I’m going to explode. I keep wanting to blame myself, like I wasn’t good enough, or this relationship wasn’t enough, for him to choose something else but he didn’t really choose something else in a conventional cheating sense. We are currently choosing to stay together but I told him that I need him to show up for us everyday, fight for the relationship, and he agreed. He is getting tested and we will not engage in anything until he passes a test and a secondary one a month later (he researched the possible STI’s that he could get from oral and their incubation periods).
I guess the point of this is I don’t know what to feel, and feel like I’m going crazy. I feel sympathy for my partner potentially getting assaulted but I’m hurt and betrayed by his choice to put himself in that vehicle. Am I being unsympathetic for someone who was assaulted? Am I valid in all of my feelings, or am being selfish?
tldr: Bf was incredibly drunk from partying and didn’t realize a car followed him home. He chose to get into car with girl to help with directions but she instead kissed him and tried to give him head but says he never reciprocated. He woke me up and immediately told me what happened, sounds like he was taken advantage of and didn’t consent. But where does that leave me? I’m betrayed and worried and hurting but worry I’m not being sympathetic enough for my partner who I believe was assaulted.