r/survivinginfidelity

I first posted here about a month ago, the night after my wife admitted to her affair. In that time, I've learned more about the affair. I found journal entries she made about her AP that might as well have been middle school love letters (so much for "it meant nothing"). I also got her to admit that she'd been sexting and sending nudes to a whole other guy before she got physical with this one. Womp womp.

This whole last month, I've been seeing to prior commitments in my schedule that have kept me from leaving town (temporarily or permanently,) and they've also been severely limiting the amount of time her and I have face to face.

However, at the end of the month, we have a vacation weve been planning for years. One im not inclined to cancel. And we've been planning on road tripping to the destination, which would be roughly 14 hours one on one.

I dont know what the future looks like. She wants to reconcile. Im not so sure one way or the other. Ive kind of been seeing this trip as something of a finish line...

I guess Im wondering, if reconciliation were on the table, how would yall use this road trip as a step forward? Any boundaries youd make sure to set, or topics you'd want to cover? Any communication tools youd recommend? All of this is still new, Im still lost, any advice is appreciated.

I received the external drive today and I will try to plug it in tonight. My wife has still been by my side from the time I get home until I go to bed. I asked her when she was going for her next Doctor's appointment. She just looked at me for what seemed like an hour but was probably 30 seconds. It was a long pause, then she told me she was waiting for call from her primary care doctor to get a referral.

Her eyes told me she is lying. She never has been a good liar.

I asked how her sister was doing since we hadn't heard from them for awhile. She told me she has been texting her sister every once in a while, that they are ok. Then my wife said she hasn't seen her sister in such a long time and misses her. I really wanted to tell her she needs to jump on a plane and go see her right away before the baby comes, but I know if she would have agreed, I would have lost it

My in-house council referred me to a great family law attorney and I was able to speak to him for about 10 minutes. He listened when I asked if there was anything I could do to stop her. He said he could try and get a court order forbidding her from terminating the pregnancy but that the likelihood being successful is extremely low. He asked me if I could save the baby, would I want to have my wife in my life for at least 18 yrs, possibly more if the child attends college. I thought about it for a few seconds then had to admit that I hadn't really thought about it. I have an appointment to see him in his office on Friday. He was going to email me a list of things I need to bring.

This whole thing feels so surreal. Like I'm watching someone else's nightmare.

The ultimate betrayal. The betrayal of a husband and of a trusted friend.

She apologized and I forgive her, told her I forgive her, but my anger is still there.

While I was pregnant…

Fuck.

Before finding out about the infidelities, I hardly ever drank, didn’t really cuss, assumed the best in people, and wasn’t angry.

Now I feel like I’m an angry person.

Who am I protecting by holding onto these hurts ?

Certainly not me.

Maybe it would’ve been better if I found out and left my husband immediately.

Why didn’t I do that ?

Am I letting him know by staying, that I’m something to be fucked with ? Someone to be disrespected?

I don’t want to be a door mat. I’ve always just wanted love.

Now, although my happily ever after is gone, it doesn’t mean I can’t ever try again.

I’m just not holding my breath and I know it’ll be a long time before I can let myself ever fall for anyone again.

I have a son now, so now I have to think of him.

And will I ever be able to have another baby without experiencing this trauma ?

Will this pain ever leave me?

They say you don’t forget your firsts…

Well I won’t forget.

I also don’t know if I can have another baby ever again.

I don’t know if that sounds more sad or relieving to think about .

So line the title says I've been married for 12 years together 15 with the same man. I'm 31 and he's 32. The affair has been going on since about June or so. I found out on Saturday. I find just the tiniest piece of their conversation and in it I saw all I needed to see. Him asking her for pictures so he could master bate and her telling him to expose that they were together so that they could be together in the open she is 26. But only after I caught him did he start saying that he was sorry that she meant nothing to him that she was easy she he just liked the attention she gave him. The ridiculous amount of humiliation, heart break and anger I feel right now is unbearable and whoever sees him would I assume that I was the one who had the affair. We have 3 kids between the ages of 6 and 2 , 2 of them have autism and they're the only reason I haven't gone nuclear on this marriage. I've been with him for half my life and I'm honestly feeling so lost right now. I don't know what to do, any advice?

Just found out my (30F) boyfriend of 10+ years has been cheating on me with multiple women including sex workers and escorts. It was just such a shock to my system. He acted kind to me and my family and friends and deep down he was this monster in secrecy. I forced him to tell the truth in front of his closest family members. He deserves the shame. Luckily we never got married or had kids and I found out right before we signed a new lease. I’m moving out ASAP. I’ll be getting an STD panel this week and I’m just terrified.

Most of this was a vent to not stew in my thoughts by myself at night.. but I guess my question to the group is:

If you’ve ever been in a position like this.. How do you ever begin to trust men/women anymore to have another relationship? I feel like I will be forever paranoid. I feel so dumb I didn’t find out earlier and regret wasting my 20’s with him. I know part of this is a blessing in disguise that I found out now, but god it hurts so badly. Thank you for reading.

So yeah, I(F28) decided to stay with my boyfriend (M 27) after he cheated (Aug 18th). We’ve been together for about 2 years. He swore up and down he didn’t do anything physical, I knew he did. We have been trying to work on things together. I’m not here for judgment. I straight up asked him twice, do I need to get tested? He tells me no, because he didn’t do anything physical.

Well I got tested anyway. I didn’t tell him, because I just wanted to find out of for myself.

Well, I’m positive for oral chlamydia. Negative for vaginal chlamydia.

Here’s the thing and yes I am probably in denial.

We did go on a break for a few months, I had oral sex with someone else about 9 months ago. The last time that my partner and I had oral sex was 3 1/2 weeks ago.(we are long distance). I have not been officially tested for STD’s for years. Definitely shame on my part for not getting tested after being with the person on our break.

Could I have gotten it from the other partner? Or am I in denial here?

But the other side of me is saying “well, you knew he cheated and you decided to stay. So does this change anything?”

I’m just going back and forth thinking I knew there would be a chance this was possible, but I still decided to stay to work on things.

Thanks for being non judgmental peeps ✌️

One night, I was in a hotel with my girlfriend. We had sex and she was asleep. I opened her phone to check her latest photos in the phone’s gallery. To my surprise I found a screenshot to a sext. I first thought that it was ours and ignored it but couldn’t really remember that particular sequence of messages.
So, I opened her WhatsApp and found that she was chatting with a guy who was her school friend and she was not in touch with him for many years.

The conversation started as a casual chit chat but then suddenly the guy stated that he wished she was there with him. To my surprise, my girlfriend played along.

I checked the exact date and time when this conversation took place and opened our chat to see what we were up to. I thought that I was maybe busy due to which she felt alone and proceed with whatever she was feeling. But! She was chatting with me at the same time too. I was telling her that our relationship has had its ups and downs in last 4 years but I am going to give it all my efforts to keep her happy with me. She didn’t respond to this for a couple minutes so I asked her if she was busy and she told me that I was being too clingy for not waiting for her responses and she didnt like such possessiveness. Then she told me that she os going to sleep and I should sleep too. She didnt, she chatted with him for the next 30 minutes.

When I woke her up and asked about the chat, i was shivering in disbelief, weeping and stuttering. She told me that she was guilty and she kept the chat because she wanted me to find about this conversation and yada yada yada. I didnt break up with her as I was too naive but the relationship didn’t last anyway. Thank god!

I (32f) husband (30m) just found out a few months ago that my husband is cheating. The other woman didn’t officially know but is currently ok with being a mistress. I am not ok with it and I find things out. I don’t want to end my marriage but we are in marriage counseling and he’s saying it’s over but I know he’s lying. What to do advice akick in the behind anything. I need someone to talk to outside of friends who are not marriages and don’t understand what I should do. Fight and be patient or get out. Help

My girlfriend 29F has a friend she will text and hangout with 30F who compulsively cheats on her husband (none of us actually have met her husband). Due to recent events I’ve had a hard time fully trusting her because of this and also her behavior towards her cheating friend.

Her friend is married and they have a child that is 2 years old. A few weeks ago I was with my girlfriend and her friend at a bar. We were all drunk and she was talking about this guy she hooked up with that we all mutually know. She was talking about how hot he was and my girlfriend who has his number began to text him and tell him to come meet us out. She showed me the message before it got sent and I was drunk and ended up hitting send on it. The guy didn’t end up coming out but this is where my distrust of her began.

It seemed concerning that my girlfriend was joking around with her about it and then proceeded to draft a text for that guy to come out to meet her friend. I spoke with her about this the other night and I told her I think it’s disgusting how her friend cheats on her husband especially since they have a child together as well. I said they should just divorce and that the behavior is unacceptable.

She then proceeded to say I know , it’s just complicated “her friend says her and her husband are like best friends and they have a kid together”. I then called her out and said what if I tell my other buddy about how she cheats on her husband and she said “I would break up with you”. I called her out and said “that’s fucking bullshit, I don’t know why the fuck you’d even say that” she then replied “yeah you’re right I’d just be really upset”.

It makes me paranoid she would do the same to me and cheat. When we discussed boundaries she is very firm in her stance and says “I have been cheated on before and would never want to inflict that pain onto someone else” but it seems odd how she was almost trying to help her friend cheat at the bar. Also her other friend (who is friends with both of them) was calling the cheating friend out on her behavior calling her delusional and psychotic and my girlfriend was defending the cheating friend and got upset the other girl said that. Is this a big red flag or should I talk this over again with her and see what she says. She says she is great at keeping secrets and would never expose one of her friends.

Hi all,

I am looking for some advice from those who have been in my shoes. It has been 6 months since finding out my husband cheated, said it was only one time/oral, and brought home an std (chlamydia).

Since then, we have started therapy within the last month although we haven’t really gotten anywhere yet.

I feel like lately the cheating has been haunting me literally all day everyday, it’s all I think about. I’m easily triggered by anything & I start thinking about it some more. It makes me so angry. I have so many unanswered questions, which makes it hard to move forward but I know he will never tell me the full truth.

He isn’t supportive when I bring my feelings to him. He really doesn’t want to hear about it at all, nothing about the cheating. So he shuts down anytime I share my hurt with him, which isn’t often btw. He thinks that if we are moving forward, I’m still stuck in the past. But tbh, I am still sooooo hurt & filled with so many different emotions.

I just don’t know how to build trust, with no real emotional support from him & inconsistent actions (such as communicating when he’s leaving out).

Idk I just feel like I am going crazy!

My (34F) husband (38M) of 12 years (4 years married) randomly blindsided me one day and asked for a divorce out of nowhere claiming we “argue too much”. This made no sense to me because I felt we had a very loving relationship with lots of happy times. We had just got back from a vacation two weeks earlier and were still going on date nights every Friday and Saturday and still intimate with each other right up until he decided to make this decision out of nowhere. When I asked him to go to counselling with me, he refused. He’s an alcoholic but says he’s not. Yet he gets wasted drunk every weekend and he says he just likes having fun with his friends.

He told me he was depressed, numb and broken and had demons in his head. He blamed me for his unhappiness and said he needed to leave the marriage to find his happiness. He also said he hates he is balding, hates his job, has a fear of death and aging, and recently took out a $30,000 line of credit behind my back for his mom who has gambling issues. He said he couldn’t tell me about it because he knew I would say no. His alcoholic father stopped talking to him because we wouldn’t let him live in our house after he got out of jail and my husband blamed me that his dad doesn’t talk to him anymore.

My husband decided to separate from me and wouldn’t even let me work on anything or fight for me. He had been going to the bar til 3 am with a single girl from his work and claimed they were just friends but I was suspicious. I recently discovered a couple months later that they are in fact in a relationship now and my heart is broken. I don’t understand how he could do this to me and just move on so easily. It feels like he discarded me like trash. We had a great life together and I don’t understand why he is choosing to purse a life with her instead of me. What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? I don’t know how to get through this and I am heartbroken. Looking for people who have gone through this and for some advice please and thank you!!