r/survivinginfidelity

Last year my wife of 14 years had a series of affairs with different men. I don't want to get into that. All you need to know is that I subscribed to this sub shortly afterward. I thought my story would be an outlier. Maybe it's the algorithm, I don't know, but the number of men I see posting here about their gf/wife cheating seems to outnumber women who get cheated on. It paints a picture that contrasts considerably with what I anticipated. At the very least, I conclude that infidelity is a human problem, regardless of sex.

But searching for help online just paints the opposite picture. Page after page of support groups for women who've been the victims of betrayal, with the occasional mixed group (that still seems to cater to women) and almost as an afterthought, 1 or 2 nationwide online focused support groups for men.

Maybe reddit is more utilized by men.

Maybe reddit is the only resource for a lot of men seeking help.

Maybe men are less likely to seek out help from a support group than women.

Whatever the reason, it seems really unbalanced and a bit unfair.

That's all.

Disclaimer: I don't think women deserve or need less help. But I think men could definitely use more for this particular issue.

Mine hid over $10k in debt from me. Not quite sure where all that money was going.

I find this really odd that I’m this walking red flag because my husband cheated on me numerous times.

I’m meeting people that have walked out on their marriages for no reason and that’s not a red flag? They divorce with little kids because they grew apart or they weren’t feeling the same love they used to or the grass is greener on the other side. And that’s not a red flag.

But someone that had a marriage end for a legitimate reason is a problem. You’re too damaged., you have trust issues, what did you do to cause him to cheat? Why did you pick him so not only in my marriage his actions were my fault now that I’m back out there. His actions were my fault as well, and I deserve to be alone for it.

I’m sorry for the vent, but I’ve become really disgusted with everything and feel that I’m going to be alone forever. Yes I’m in therapy and I’m trying.

My wife (30) had an "emotional" affair with a coworker a few years back. It supposedly lasted about a month, she wanted space so I gave it to her after a few days apart and I realized she wasn't trying to fix things I caught on quick.

(We're from a small town and I used to work at the same place so I knew people employed there.)

After I confronted both of them she refused to quit talking to him, so I tried to move on.

About a week later she was begging for me back every hour of the day, it took two months of her persistent pleading for me to finally break down and come home.

She told me it was just attention and nothing physical at worst sending selfies and light flirting. She deleted all the texts, even though I wanted to read them to confirm what she said.

About two weeks ago, years after the fact I got the urge to dig through her Google and found out she went to his house at least once and some strange Google searches such as " in relationship but in love and attracted to coworker" lots of "Victorias Secret" " how to get rid of razor burn".

So naturally I tried to get the truth without playing my hand she wouldn't admit to going over until she knew I had evidence.

She says the Google search was an article she was reading and laughed she does regularly get razor burn and has shopped VS forever, then she said she only went over to watch a movie and had to leave bc the babysitter flaked and maintained nothing physical happened and that it was just emotional. She begged me not to leave and said we could work through the lie.

She went over on the 8th I didn't confront them until the 14th and she was asking me back by the 20th.

I'm having a hard time believing anything now I definitely think it was physical but I desperately want to believe my wife, she's my high school sweetheart we had a child young 13yo now and we have a two year old. She's been very affectionate the past few weeks and was talking about having another baby.

I suppose the question I'm trying to ask is do you guys think there's more to the story or am I just crazy? Any tips on how to get the rest of the Truth or how I can believe what she's saying is the truth?

Sorry I thought I was going to keep it short.

TW: Substance abuse, childhood trauma, sex acts (relevant for context)

This is my (41M) first post, so be gentle. I want advice but I'm worried people will judge her (39F) too quickly. Please consider all the context first. I also don't know how to write this as in what style I should write it? Some of this deserves narration but at the same time I know this post will probably be too long.

I met my wife while we were working temporary jobs at a factory together. At the time, I had just got my first apartment that I rented with my brother. My brother and I came to the city for work and were homeless at first. Even though I had nothing but a room in an apartment I shared with my brother, my wife agreed to date me. For the next 11 years she stayed by my side while I struggled to build a life for us. I went back to finish highschool, then to college, then started (late) my career in programming. I went from low-class/poverty to comfortably upper middle-class where I make 6 figures and have an incredible benefits, retirement and insurance packages. Along the way, we had 2 kids. She stayed at home to raise them and turned the humble places I could rent for us into warm homes. She was amazing at it. She genuinely loves to cook and she took pride in what she did around the houses. She was an amazing mother and a wife I would brag to my friends about. Over time, things got easier and easier... As kids get older they need you less and as I made more and more money, the stress of every-day life just kind of stopped. It was replaced with vacations, camping, hiking & stuff like that.

She was always a drinker (alcohol) and I was a smoker (marijuana; it's legal in our country). I drank too, but it was my secondary substance. In the last 3 years of our marriage (Beginning 2023), her drinking escalated uncontrollably. As best I can recall, it escalated rapidly & dramatically after her car accident (She was involved in a single-vehicle accident on the highway. I have the dashcam video and it looks like she passed out, 'cause she drifted from the middle lane all the way off the highway and hit a barrier). After the accident she quickly escalated to drinking an entire 750ml bottle of whiskey every day. I drank too and didn't connect the dots, but in retrospect I can see now that the more she was consumed by alcoholism the more she disconnected from me. It was progressive over the course of 3 years, until she had a seizure in Oct 2025 after not drinking for 3 days. After that seizure she changed toward me completely. She was no longer passive aggressive and withdrawing, she had completely given up on me and checked out of the marriage. She felt cold and was quick to anger.

The coldness, disconnect and short temper got worse and worse over time. At first it would only appear when she was heavily intoxicated. For example in 2023 she somehow found my estranged oldest brother. He's estranged from me because he molested me as a child. I told her this and I told her I wasn't comfortable meeting with him. She spent about 2 days convincing me to "give it a chance" & "seek closure" or something. At the time it was annoying but I figured she just didn't understand. I agreed and we spent the night at my brother and his wife's house. We drank all night long in the backyard (My wife put back at least 22 beers). As morning was rolling around, my wife's body language was unmistakable to me.. Picture a table surrounded by chairs in a backyard patio, on one side is my brother in a chair and my wife kneeling beside him. I'm across from them alone in a chair shivering because I gave her my sweater. She then put her arm around him and snuggled into his side, saying "omg he's so warm". This turned into her rubbing his back with her right hand and with her left, she stroked his beard while looking at me and said "Why don't you do your beard like this?" She then looked at him (while still stroking his beard) and said "This looks so much better. I hate his beard". She then looked at me right in the eyes and said "I hate your beard". I italicized it 'cause she put so much sass and anger behind the word hate. I was shocked. This kind of inappropriate behavior continued for a little while until I confronted her and him about it. She went into the house and passed out in the guest room. I stayed out back with my brother and made it clear where we stand. I told him I'm not going to make a scene infront of his wife at their home, but he's dead to me and I'm leaving in the morning (I literally drank all night and we're ~6 hours away from home so there was no way I could leave). I went and laid next to her and tried to sleep but couldn't. She woke up the next morning claiming to not remember anything. To this day she claims she doesn't remember this, but it's burned into my mind. I should have left her or given her an ultimatum. Like wtf, that's crazy what she did right? I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she seems to have pre-planned it, like she wanted to flirt with my childhood abuser inront of me while making fun of my beard (she knew I'm subconscious about it as I have self-esteem issues.

Over time, her coldness toward me and short temper kept spreading through-out the day and then eventually even in the morning she was like that with me. Looking back I can see now that during the last 2 years she was never sober. She'd drink until passing out and then wake up to finish the beer she was drinking when she passed out. I really blame myself for not seeing how deep she was spiraling and not doing something to try and help. I was thinking about it and treating it like a marriage problem. I increased frequency and quality of our random date nights. Started to try and get her to watch movies and cuddle with me like we used to.. To go for drives together in my truck like we used to. These efforts lasted about 1 year (2024-2025 overlap). The disconnect never stopped or even slowed down.. Our movie nights turned into her sitting in a single-seat recliner and me on the couch by myself; her face in her phone for the entire movie. When we went for our drives, she'd be in the passenger seat with her face in her phone. I tried to reach her, but we're both terrible at communicating (We're both shy introverts with avoidant attachment styles).

I think 2024 is the most important year in my failed marriage. A series of traumatic events, perimenopause, her avoidant attachment style and the cliche "empty nester"/"bored housewife" all mixed together with alcoholism to create a monster.

I was suffering from severe depression after my cancer diagnoses in 2024. I kept motivating myself through the chemo, surgeries and surgery recoveries that "normal" was at the end of the road. When I got my final surgery done (No more medical devices or restrictions, I was "back to normal") I would break down crying when I seen myself in the mirror. I never got the normal they promised me. I already had self-esteem issues and now my stomach's disfigured and full of scars. My energy levels had plummeted and I had gotten completely out of shape. I started eating healthier and exercising but primarily I withdrew to my office (I work from home). I wasn't strong enough to deal with my own issues and still be able to see she was struggling too. In my mind, keeping my cool (not freaking out) and focusing on work made sense to me. I figured with time we would heal and be normal again. I normally worked 9-5 in my home office (in the basement), but the more depressed and defeated I felt the later I worked. I'd frequently work until 8pm. After coming upstairs from my office at 8pm I'd find my wife heavily intoxicated and it was always tense; I had to walk on eggshells around her, but I still tried for awhile.

March 1st 2026 lives rent free in my head. On Friday February 27th she came down to my office at ~3pm in a dress, with makeup on, fake nails and her hair done up. For context: This is wildly out of the ordinary for her. It's a look that for 21 years has been reserved for me and nights out with me. It's how she dressed to go to a wedding. I said she looked beautiful and asked what the occasion was. She said that she wants to dress up more in order to feel better about herself and get more self-esteem. I hugged her, told her I she's beautiful and encouraged her to do whatever she needed to feel as good as she looks to me. I didn't think much of it, except the next morning rolled around. For conext: Saturdays are TaeKwonDo days where she takes our youngest to TaeKwonDo. He's a student and a new instructor, so he's there for 3 hours at a time. Saturday morning my wife got up early, showered, got her hair, nails and makeup done and put that same dress on... To take our son to TaeKwonDo. I still trusted her and so although it felt like it's right on the border of inappropriate, I was ok with it. She'll go and get attention and maybe feel better about herself; it seemed harmless. Then on March 1st, while I was making my lunch in the kitchen she comes up behind me and just started into a sentence (Like she had been kicking it around her mind for days and finally just blurted it out).. "[Our oldest son] is going to drive me and [our youngest son] to [a city 4 hours away] for the weekend, for a taekwondo seminar". I was so caught off guard at so much of this.. I immediately asked why she didn't mention the seminar or why I wasn't going to take them? She said "Oh I didn't want to bother you, I figured after a long week of work you just wanted to relax" - That was such a rehersed response, it was worded and sounded wildly out of character for her. I immediately connected the dots (I'm slow, I know..). She's dressing up for someone specific at TaeKwonDo and now she wants to spend a weekend in a hotel without me with those same TaeKwonDo people. I laid out everything that I thought right there in the kitchen.. "You're dressing up to get attention from another man at TaeKwon and I want you to talk to me about it". She denied it. I said "Please, would you just talk to me" and then I started to tear up and literally begged her. "Please [wife], don't do this. Talk to me. Open up man, we can work through this". She said "we do talk, there's nothing to work through. What exactly do you think I'm doing?". Then I started to doubt myself. At least for a little while. Later that night I started a text-based discussion with her about it. That spent the same way.. Me laying out the obvious pattern I'm seeing and her denying everything. I call this the March "makeup argument" and this was it, folks.. This was my chance and I blew it. She hadn't fully connected with him yet but she was about it. It already crossed lines but not too many for me to work through, you know? I hate myself for not having a spine and giving her an ultimatum right then and there. I didn't have the spine, though.. Re-reading that text-based argument I can't believe that I let it end the way it did.

May 13th 2026 after carrying her to bed (This was a frequent occurrence at this point, where I'd find her passed out in the living room and have to clean her up and carry her to bed), I felt compelled to search her phone and discovered an affair going back to December 2025. On the phone I found her sexting & exchanging pictures with a man (man #2) and I also found her sexting, exchanging pictures and discussing physical meetups in the past and planned in the future with man #1. I found her reaching out to man #3 but he was ghosting her (lol). This is all in the span of December -> May. I was up all night pulling data off her phone and thinking about how I was going to confront her. (Pro tip: Do NOT immediately confront them. This was a huge mistake that I deeply regret. Get your situation and yourself ready first before letting them know you know. Get all the evidence you can and make backups!). I let her sleep in until 1pm and then woke her up, told her that there's coffee downstairs for her. I let her drink her coffee, smoke cigs and chat on her phone until about 2pm. I told her we needed to talk and I went to check to see if the kids were in the house. Since they were, I told her I'd like to go talk in the truck. That's where I asked her "Do you know why we're sitting in the truck right now and I want to talk?". She said "No". I then asked "So there's nothing at all you think you need to tell me?". Again she says no. So I then told her about putting her to bed last night and that I looked in her phone. I asked again after that if she wanted to talk. Still nothing. So I told her I read her chat log with man #2 and wanted to talk about it. She reluctantly admitted that she had been flirting with him, but it didn't mean anything. I asked if there was anything else and she said no. I then told her I also read her chat log with man #1. She then admitted that she was flirting with him, too. I asked if it had gone past flirting and she said no. I asked how long it was going on and she said 1 month. I then told her how much of the chat I read and that I knew they had physically hooked up at least once. She got quiet, defensive and sarcastically asked "are you going to sit and dig through my phone all morning?". I agreed that "Well if you're not going to talk to me, I guess there's no point. Get out of my truck". She got out, walked through our house to the backyard and sat on her phone for the entire time I packed my stuff into the truck and left. Before I confronted her, I confronted man #1. I told him I knew, said he had no honor or integrity and then asked him if he could take her in as I'm kicking her out. He said he would not take her in (I guess she was just a f-buddy to him). I found his wife and sent her all of his text exchanges he had with my wife (Well, all of the ones I had at the time. Quite unfortunate, really. I've since added her to facebook lol).

I separated from her and left the city for a couple days. I think after 2 days I came to the realization that I shouldn't have left my house (I didn't do anything wrong, why the hell am I in a trailer while she's at home). I convinced her to go stay at her mom's and I'd come home to think. She responded with "Like a separation? Would you want to try that?". I replied with "If you mean sleeping with other people, no. I need time to think and process everything". This isn't important but it lives rent free: "I don't want this to come off the wrong way, but if we try to work on things I want to still be able to dress up and go out with friends and have a social life". She was still drunk and was merely inconvenienced by my discovery. As time went on, she slowly revealed more and more of the details I thought already knew. I learned the term "trickle truth" here and that's what she did to me. She would deny things, downplay them and spin them around on me.. Until I showed evidence that I knew and then she'd admit to only what I could already prove. This is where my pro-tip comes in.. Never confront them early. It was probably the 2nd biggest mistake of my life (The 1st being March 1st lol). She spent the better part of a week deleting evidence from her phone that I hadn't managed to get (I didn't understand how Facebook Messenger worked at the time).

Here's where things take a dramatic turn; where all my confusion and paralysis comes from. After spending a couple weeks living at her moms, she went to detox. After 6 days in detox and 4 days sober (With multiple AA meetings per day) she came out as a completely different person. She was the woman I fell in love with 21 years prior. She seemed to have no anger or resentment for me anymore and was incredibly affectionate towards me. For the past ~3 months we've talked a lot every single day. She has answered/answers every question I have (Even the unhealthy questions I had regarding the physical affair) with full honesty and no BS. She wrote out a full timeline that spans from November 2025 to when I discovered her affair. She has given me full access to her phone and all her accounts. She is still sober and still going to AA every day (She'll be getting her 3 month chip soon). She's going to individual therapy to understand why she escaped into an affair like she did. She can describe what she felt, but she can't explain why she felt it. During these open talks, I discovered she had wrecked her memory. After some research I learned about "alcohol-induced dementia" and "alcohol-related brain damage (ARBD)". Over the 3 years of extreme drinking she was losing memories of us. She was replacing them with the lies she was constantly telling about me.

We went from talking every day -> Daily hookups -> Dating -> Her moving back into the house with me. I just keep going through the motions. I can enjoy moments with her (We've always been each other's favorite company). Our communication is amazing (In that it actually exists now lol. We never really communicated before) and our sex life is incredible. She showers me with daily affection, attention and intimacy she starved me of for so long.

I try to stay busy with work, exercising, trying to rebuild the relationship with my youngest and enjoying time with my oldest.. I'm eating a lot of marijuana edibles every day and I'm drinking a lot more now, too. I feel like I'm living some kind of weird ass dream (Nothing feels real. It's sometimes hard to separate reality from dream-like state). Every day is different, but what is consistent is that I'm up late at night (Usually around 2:30 - 5:00am) unable to sleep and unable to control my thoughts. I wake up angry, sad, frustrated and defeated. It's hard to get out of bed most mornings lol but yeah I don't know. Part of me thinks I owe it to her to help her get healthy and better. Another part of me thinks she doesn't deserve me and that I'm killing myself doing this. Or maybe this is just what "reconciliation" is like?

It's not even the sexual part of the affair that haunts me. I mean, of course the thoughts about sex intrude. I was giving her a back massage and couldn't stop thinking about him touching her in the same way. I can't stop re-reading their messages and looking at his pictures. I compare myself to him and even though I am in better shape and my penis is larger, it somehow hurts even more. If I could find a tangible shortcoming I think it would make more sense, but none of this makes sense to me. It's knowing that for at least a year she happily lived with me, looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me. Laid in bed beside me and cuddled into my chest.. All while being totally disconnected from me and chasing other men. Humiliating me to all her friends and family behind my back. Withholding sex from me, knowing my sex drive is very high. The way she would pretend to be fine and happy with me, but once we were in the company of other men she would start to criticize me. I was always the butt of her jokes. Knowing she didn't just leave me in 2023 and instead led me on, manipulated me, used me and tormented me for 3 years while having extra-marital affair(s) behind my back. She split up the family unit, alienating my son and me from each other. She has likely forever changed our son's perspective of her and their perspectives on relationships in general. As sad as it is to say, they've both broken up with their girlfriends. I can't help but wonder if watching what happened to me influenced them.

Maybe the title doesn't match the flair, but I get this feeling more and more from what my so-called friends tell them about what their hisbands think. And even the so called friends have this "both side-ism" to them that shocks me. Especially a friend who is overwhelmed by her busy life with children, career, house building and a husband that doesn't support her like he wants her to. She told me that "cheating isn't the worst thing that someone can do in a marriage" and overtly being on the side of the cheater when the cheating context came up, but with different couples (celebrities, vague acquaintances etc). However her husband has the "mercenary" mindset: he would fight as long as it takes in order to pay less to the ex wife (if he was in my ex's shoes that is). I am so disappointed in life. I swear that aside from my dad, all my friends have these shoddy beliefs. I cannot believe these are the people I have near me, and I am afraid that all people are like that.

My husband has a female friend who sends her 5 yoga photos, he asks her about "what sexy clothes are you going to wear for the trip to Europe ?" She was married 2 years before us. He announces my absence. They talk to each other frequently. I believe that unless two people are willing, this would not happen. B4 marriage ,I found from his gallery she used to send him flying kisses on video call. There were pictures of him sending winks at her. Saw photos of her getting hugged in a room, with his hands right in front of the chest and face right besides her face touching.Even after calling out, the behavior after marriage and the non-platonic relationship they had before marriage. He kept on saying he did not have anything before and after marriage but I classify this as "emotional infidelity" after marriage, but continued to talk to her for another 3 months after our marriage- all these behavior. I asked him to give her closure, to show his phone occasionally and to stop talking to her- he denied all these request. I have got no reassurance by word or by action. His own quote " His 15 years of friendship is more important than you". He stopped talking to her after 3 months, but I have not forgiven or bought his explanation. My marriage of 4 years is on the fence right now. Advice/ emotional infidelity or not are all welcome!!!

I feel like I'm overcome with either grief or anger and there's no space for any other emotion.

I'm so angry at WP for what they've done but more so for how they've been since Dday, they've chosen to be with AP and have more or less avoided me since and there's no outlet for this anger I feel about the situation.

I know it makes no difference to my healing really but I want them to understand the absolute devastation they've caused and walked away from so casually. I'm not an angry person and I'm struggling a bit with feeling like this on top of everything else. I know it's a process but any suggestions on how I can manage this in a healthy way?

Does anyone know of any virtual support groups geared towards the BP? I recently found out that my husband of 15 years was engaging in an emotional/sexual affair with someone online for the past few months. He has also been sexting and having phone sex with random women over the past 6 years. Unfortunately, he never came clean and I came across the evidence in my own.

I am absolutely devastated and feel so alone. Reddit has a lot of helpful communities but I prefer speaking to people in person or video.

Any help is appreciated. <3

I am post divorce at this point, but I still struggle with the confusion and gaslighting I experienced in my marriage.

My ex lied and cheated throughout our 20 year relationship, and had at least 30 affairs (that I know of). He was abusive in other ways as well, including physical, emotional, spiritual and financial.

11 days after I filed for divorce, he announced he was in a “new” relationship on social media and is now married to this person. His entire family and even some of mine still support him and don’t seem to see how sick he really is, even after he voluntarily terminated his parental rights to our daughters and no longer has to pay any child support. He still blames me for everything, especially giving up his parental rights.

Recently, he has also become this super religious person, writing articles on a Substack and self publishing a book of his religious essays. It makes me question my reality. Is it possible for a serial cheating, abuser and deadbeat father to change and become a better person? Or is this just more facade to hide his double life?

I’m 48M, she’s 39F. 10+ years together. I just found out she has been having an affair with her 60-year-old married boss for almost a year. At least once a month when they travel together.

I met him a few times at the company Christmas party, etc.

She was totally new to an industry and working super hard to make a name for herself and a better life for both of us. I was so proud and worked really hard to support her. We had big dreams and were getting closer to our goals because of it.

She was traveling a lot, and the lack of communication when she was away was the first red flag.

In the beginning, she’d usually message when she landed at the airport, then when she arrived at her hotel. She’d text me when she went out to dinner, call later in the evening before bed. Gradually, all of them stopped.

When she was home, I told her that she was acting like she was single. Like she didn’t have a responsibility to me to check in once in a while. I didn’t need to hear her every move, but it was starting to just feel like something was going on.

She left on another work trip the other day at 3 p.m., and I didn’t hear from her until the next day. I knew something was up.

When she was home throughout the week, we’d usually leave work roughly around the same time and coordinate when to meet home, have dinner, etc.

In the last few months, she got increasingly vague. I’d wait to hear from her until after 5 p.m. or ask when she was leaving. But after a few separate occasions of her working late, I started asking, “Where are you?”

She’d say, “Driving home.”

And the assumption was—from the office… but it happened a few more times.

Next time, I asked, “From where?”
And she said, “From the bar.”

She went out to the bar with her boss after work to supposedly discuss business. I told her then that it seemed like she was deliberately keeping things from me. And I wanted to know next time -before she goes out to the bar.

It started happening more and more frequently.

She got snippy at one point and said I was “keeping tabs on her.” And I second-guessed myself and backed off.

Over the last couple weeks, I was really vocal about working harder on us and how we need to communicate more. She said we could move closer to her clients or out to the country (our plan) and told me I should get a dog because I was lonely.

That’s all something I considered and truly wanted, but I didn’t know it was also just a distraction from her truth.

This past Saturday afternoon, I had an awful feeling and went through her phone when she was in the shower. Sure enough. Messages with her boss.

I only scrolled back far enough to see some recently where they said, “I love you,” “Love you too,” “Miss you”… “Wish we were in the hot tub together,” etc.

I took screenshots immediately and put it down within seconds of her coming out of the shower.

I maintained composure for about an hour before it started surfacing.

I asked her if she could be honest with me. She knew something was wrong and agreed. I just kept asking her over and over to tell me what was going on. I said, “You’ve been acting like a cheater, and I know something is going on.”

She denied it over and over until I said, “Tell me now and I MIGHT be able to forgive you… otherwise I’m leaving and we’re done.”

She said, “I think my boss has feelings for me.” That’s it.

Then I just kept asking:

“Really? Nothing has happened between you ever?!”

Little by little, the truth came out. She said they’ve been intimate every month for the last year, while on their work trips out of town.

I asked if she loved him, and she said she didn’t know, that she was confused.
She said she was relieved to finally tell me and wanted it to end.

I packed a bag. Sick to my stomach. Devastated.

She’s been begging and pleading, but I haven’t answered her calls.

It’s been about 3 days now. I’m staying at random roadside motels. I cut off all contact with her, but I’m a wreck.

I just found this sub, and there’s a whole lot of acronyms that I don’t know.

Lots of book recommendations, etc., but I don’t have any attention span right now.

I’m lost, devastated, heartbroken, and drunk every night. Just in crisis/survival mode. I’m just trying to figure out where to “sleep” and maybe eat. Get some more beer and try not to drink myself to death. I’m having panic attacks.

A bit dramatic, I guess. But my previous girlfriend broke my heart 20yrs ago, and this one just took the other half.

She has a huge family and support system. I have zero. I called the suicide/crisis line but just couldn’t get myself to talk to them. I tried a therapist, but she’s booked for another 2 weeks.

I have nowhere to go. I can’t afford the hotels, but finding a place to rent sickens me.

We live in a tiny house together in the ghetto that we’ve remodeled. It’s in a bad neighborhood but with a beautiful garden. And I actually just bought the neighbor’s house for an investment property. She gave me a check for half last week, but I never cashed it. So I own it outright. It’s a total construction site, but there is a bedroom, fridge, and shower—kind of. (The bed frame and dressers in there was actually from her boss too. She borrowed his truck to get them home. Hand-me-downs that she got when my buddy was going to move in.)

I could stay there and remodel it, but just over the fence is our whole life that we built together.

Neither house is worth much, so I wouldn’t walk away with anything.

She just texted me and said she’s going to work from home now. (I bet her boss just finally got that approved, hoping this won’t end his career.)
She would still need to travel though.

She said she could take time off, or even find a new job if I’d take her back.

I worked really hard supporting her to get to where she is now. I’d hate to see her give it all up.

At the same time, I know they’re going to have another monthly corporate meeting soon, and I could walk in there and announce it to their whole company and ruin them both.

I found him and his wife on Facebook. His kids and grandkids.

I don’t know if I should message his wife or not. It feels like I have a responsibility to, but don’t know if I can or even should.

They’ve probably been married for 30+ years. I don’t want to be the one to destroy their family.

Part of me wants to confront him. Ask to meet and hear his details. It makes me sick to my stomach. My crazy brain wants gross details, and then I want to pull my hair out. Just picturing them naked together makes me sick.

Thing is, I TOTALLY get how she could get wrapped up in that world. I can’t blame her. I actually probably would’ve done the same thing.

She was new to the industry, busting her ass, and it was finally paying off. Top of her field. One of the best in the country. Poised to make six figures this year and plenty more in the future.

The company was putting her up in nice hotels, luxury vehicles, awesome restaurants.

Her boss joining her trips on new accounts, started taking her out to 5-star dinners, filet mignon, bottles of wine/champagne to celebrate her landing huge clients, making them both lots of money. All the while talking about her bright future.

They’d get drunk at dinners, then drinks at the hotels that have a nice romantic jacuzzi… over and over… 🤢

Now I know why my hotel room window on the 4th floor doesn’t open.

I can’t even grieve because I have to navigate the logistics of being homeless right now.

I still just miss her and want to go home. She said she’s going out of town again tonight (alone) for probably 2 nights, so I can “sneak” in and at least shave, do laundry & maybe sleep there tonight. I don’t know if I can handle it.

*Edit*
I really appreciate all the support.

We aren’t married, so divorce isn’t necessary. No kids and no mixed finances.
We own the home together but it was actually given to us by her ex-stepmom (her dad just cheated too.)
It is a $40k house in the hood. We both spent a ton of time and money renovating it. The other property I bought was $16k. Yes, really. It is in one of the worst cities in America. I don’t plan to make any money from either.

As much as I want her to never see him again, I don’t want to ruin her career.
If I were to inform their company, they might terminate her, and not him. It’s a small business and he has connections.

It really sucks that I have the responsibility of telling his wife. But if that really is the “kind” thing to do…

** EDIT: But what if his wife tells the company and she is fired???

I don’t want to make this too long. Basically, my ex girlfriend was my second and longest partner. There were red flags to begin with, but I was naive. I had this delusion that cheating was something that happened to other people, and my most intimate partner could never betray me in the worst way.

Before she met me, she had been intimate with multiple other guys. This caused me to question why suddenly she wanted to wait for marriage with me. A few months go by, and I found out she had gone out on multiple dates with a more attractive, on the surface more “successful” guy and on the first night they met she had been physical.

Every time I think about it I get nauseous. I think about how it took a guy one night to be w/ my girlfriend. I thought I loved her more than anyone I had ever experienced. My brain has slowly been escaping the emotional repression I developed, and i’m starting to see things for what they were. She was attached to me for a bit, then a “better” option came along.

The worst part is all the advice that I hear from friends and family is the same kind of advice she would give me. That I should “never feel like I need to change myself.” A part of me is different now. I’m more discerning and most devastatingly, I don’t think I can open up and love in the same deep selfless way again. I suppose that’s just part of growing up and being in mature relationships.

I’m writing this because I feel completely unmoored. It’s like living in a world where everyone knows 2 + 2 = 4, but the person sleeping next to you looks you in the eye every day and swears it’s 9. After feeling like I was losing my mind, I started quietly writing down dates, purchases, and conversations in a journal just to keep myself sane.

My wife is a high-level corporate executive who travels constantly. For a long time I brushed off that quiet, gnawing feeling in my gut. But over time the “innocent coincidences” kept multiplying, the stories started colliding, and the paper trail told a story she still refuses to own.

The first real fracture was a work trip to North Carolina. Forty-five minutes before she was supposed to board her flight home, she called saying work had blown up and she had to stay through the weekend. I wanted to believe her. But when I went back through the accounts and travel records later, the whole story fell apart. She had checked herself out of the corporate-paid hotel on Friday morning, so she had no official company hotel for the weekend she claimed she was stuck working. That same weekend about $670 disappeared from our joint account — high-end hair salon, brand-new clothes at Macy’s, nice dinners, cash withdrawals. When she called me on Saturday she said she was “just making a quick run to Macy’s.” The receipt showed she had actually bought the clothes on Wednesday. Around that same time I saw a text on her phone from a colleague giving her directions to a restaurant on Friday night: “go through the back door… he’s in a booth all the way to the back.”

Months later we had the disaster trip to New York. My son and I drove down to meet her during what was supposed to be a work trip. From the second we got there everything felt off. She had switched hotels right before we arrived, saying it was “better for us,” but there were dual bookings sitting on the exact same block. Her whole demeanor was weird — overly affectionate and tense at the same time. Then at 12:30 in the morning her business phone started chiming over and over. She got out of bed, checked both phones, and came back trembling, clinging to me. The next morning she was already trying to explain the alerts away before I had even said a word about them.

The pattern just kept getting clearer. The day before she flew out solo on a multi-leg trip to San Francisco, she bought an expensive Victoria’s Secret lace bustier while she was out shopping alone. She never once wore it for me. Years later I found it tucked in the back of a closet, hidden away from the rest of her clothes. After I saw it I went back and looked, and a selfie she sent me from the hotel had the bustier on the bed. Not long after another trip home, her business phone lit up with an unknown number at 12:30 at night. In a moment of pure panic she blurted out, “I guess an unknown number doesn’t help my case.”

The dam finally broke over Thanksgiving weekend at a boutique hotel. She had been drinking and the tension was thick. When we got back to the room I finally brought up the travel blackouts, the secrecy, the late-night calls. I asked her straight if anything had happened on those trips. She didn’t deflect right away. She looked me dead in the eyes, said “Don’t you want to know?” I said “of course” very quietly and then she ust said: “I cheated.” The second the words left her mouth her body gave out. She ran to the bathroom, got violently sick, threw up, and passed out on the floor. When the sun came up she completely buried it. She saw my text that said “not cool” and acted like I was just annoyed that she’d gotten drunk and sick. Not one single word about what she had confessed only hours earlier.

Whenever technology came up she always claimed she was “bad with tech.” Her devices told a completely different story. On her work phone, 827 specific iMessages had been wiped out of a database of over 20,000. Her WhatsApp history with her European boss — the man she reported to directly for four straight years — was exactly 12 messages. That’s not low usage. That was deliberate, rolling deletion. She even told me during an argument, “If I wanted to hide something, I’d be smart enough to erase the texts and you’d never know.”

When I finally laid out the documented facts, it turned into pure goalpost-moving and DARVO. I brought up the Lancaster confession. First response: “I never said that.” The second I told her it was burned into my brain and written in my journal from that morning, she switched: “I only said it because I was drunk and mad at you.” When I pressed her on why she hid the North Carolina weekend and all the travel lies, she tried to make herself the victim of poor communication. She cried and said, “I wish you would have talked to me back then… I remember, but I didn’t think it was that serious.” The next morning I looked her in the eye and told her the truth: I went back to the journal and counted exactly 15 separate times I had tried to talk to her about it. When she realized I actually had the count logged, the excuses just stopped. Her face went completely blank and pale.

And still the trickle truth kept coming. First she was completely alone that weekend. Then maybe one other person from work was around. Then she remembered staying at some unnamed “castle-like hotel with gardens.” Then the slip: “Well, we weren’t going to travel that far…” and immediate panic and backtracking. Then she admitted her European boss was in the area, but insisted he “did his own thing and never socialized.” Finally it was “You’re misremembering / you never listen to me,” and “He’s married with kids, how could you think that?”

If you look at the whole paper trail — the abandoned corporate hotel, the off-the-grid spending, the hidden bustier that showed up in a selfie on the hotel bed, the midnight trembling in NYC, the unknown late calls, the wiped messages, the confession, the pale face when the receipts hit the table, and the constantly shifting stories — there’s just no room left for innocent explanations.

Yet here I am. We have 5 children from 20-30 and I know what walking away would do to our family.

She still refuses to sit down and look at the timeline. Every time I try, it’s tears, anger, and a rewritten history so she can keep the image of the good wife and mother. I’m sitting here holding every receipt, knowing with absolute certainty what happened, while the person next to me will rewrite reality to my face rather than give me the truth.

For those of you who’ve been through this: How do you live with knowing the truth in your bones when your spouse will lie until their dying day? How do you let go of needing them to finally admit what you already know?

Some days are great and on others I spiral into bouts of PTSD when she travels.

I’ve been sitting with this fir a long time and have not even talked to my best friend about it as her behavior has humiliated me.

My husband and I have been married two years. I found out earlier this week that he has been cheating on me — sexting with women online, etc.
He doesn’t know I know. I plan to confront him this week. Knowing him, he’ll try to make me look like the bad person for not trusting him. So I plan to approach him with solid proof, printed out.
Now, What are some questions I can ask him? Are there any tips on how to approach the conversation?

In May, I discovered that my boyfriend on multiple occasions talked to his ex in a sexual way and saw her upwards of four times (he claims there was no physical intimacy.) I learned of this through an infidelity Facebook group. We have since been trying to navigate things and make it work. I told him that I don’t feel comfortable because he never leaves his phone unattended. He since began leaving his phone in rooms with me for short periods of time, but I don’t have his password or anything. It makes me so uncomfortable that I don’t have access to his phone at all, and I don’t know if it’s appropriate to ask him if I can see his phone (like asking if he will open it for me and stay there while I look.) I haven’t asked for that, but I see a lot of couples counselors online saying this is important to regain trust. In your experience, should I be asking for it? Is it wrong? If he says no, what then?

Hello, this happened maybe 15-17 years ago so i will do my best to get the details as specific as i can. This is not my first language but i will do my best.

Me (43m) and my partner (38f) have been living together for close to 20 years.

For å year or so i have been thinking alot about something happening a long time ago. I dont know why its bothering me so many years later. At the time we had just bought a lot and was in the planning of building a house, so we had both invested all we had and was planning for a life together.

She was invited to a party, some collegaues and some other poeople were at this party. I didnt go, i had work the next day. Later that night she called me and said i didnt need to pick her up because she was getting a ride home with a dude who had his boat there. This party was at a cabin by the ocean. And our apartment at the time was also by the ocean.

I argued that maybe that was a bad idea and he was probably to drunk and so on. She was clearly quite drunk. So i had a bad feeling about this and told her to take a taxi. It was getting late and i had to go to sleep.

Next morning i got up she was laying on the couch.

Had a bad feeling about this whole thing so i went home from work around noon to go check on her.

She was on the couch sleeping in her robe so she had been taking a shower. She woke up quite suddenly when i entered. Surprised to see me home early. Very bad hungover. I asked how she got home. It turned out that dude had taken her home on his boat. We had an arguement about her no taking my advise and so on but she assured me everything went fine and nothing bad happened.

Some days goes by and suddenly this same dude starts calling. I asked what this is all about? She says she wont answer or respond in anyway. But he ceeps calling. She then explains that he was coming on to her but she blew him off on that boat trip. I said okay but should i answer your fhone next time and tell him where he should go? She begged me not to do that. I suspected she was not telling me all so we argued some more the following time. At one point she asked if i wanted to call him to confirm her story but by this time they cold have gotten their stories straight so it wouldent be proof of anything as i see it. I did at one point look at her fhone while she was a sleep. She must have deleted most of the texts but one he wrote someting like "you could be my first mate anytime" (noutical term) I did not confront her about this because i did not have permission to snoop.

So why do this coming back in my head so many years later? I was hospitalized a couple of years ago with disease, quite bad and i messed up my head with depression and regret of things that have happened in the past. The fhysical part of the disease was bad but the mental part was in in some way quite bad as well. I made a full recovery but it "dug" out something i have hidden away i belive.

I dont have any reason to belive she have had any affairs since then. And i have no reason to belive they have met since. But the posibility she lied to me back then is starting to eat me up inside. It means everything we built is a lie. Fake.

What could the next step be? Confront her? Or find a way to berry it in the back of my mind again?

I’m less than a week out from learning of the cheating. He came clean on his own, he committed financial and emotional infidelity. Says he has a porn addiction that started when he was in his teens, I do believe him. Looking at therapists for individual therapy for the two of us as well as couples.

Here’s where I’m at. We’ve been together for 6 years, married for 3. I’m young, early 30s. Why should I spend the next 2-5 years rebuilding trust when I can move on? No kids, pets but they can be split appropriately, the house is in both of our names and our finances are intermingled - that’s the most “difficult” part. Why do I need to suffer through recovery when I would be just fine on my own?

Given my situation, would you stay? I have a good job, I am stable in my own life, why should I deal with this?

Thanks for any insight you have to give. I’m at a total loss.

My lawyer gave me the same advice that several of you had given me, but this time for a different purpose. Basically, he told me to go to couples therapy; according to him, this could make it look like I tried to save our marriage but couldn't, which would destroy any chance my wife has of delaying the divorce before the judge. Since I'm avoiding her to prevent another drama like the one in my last post, my lawyer sent a process server to summon her to the office of a therapist he already knew. I didn't have to like her, nor did I even need to feel a sense of trust, because my lawyer warned me that under no circumstances should I accept any blame. In fact, I didn't even have to elaborate on my answers—speaking in monosyllables for a couple of sessions would be enough.
So, I met her at the entrance of the office for the first session. I won't say she was dressed up; I could barely say she had taken a shower (which, compared to the last time I saw her, is progress).
During the session, I didn't speak much. I just told the therapist that I had sought couples therapy to establish co-parenting agreements for our daughter and to evaluate whether our marriage was in a good place for reconciliation. That made my wife a bit excited; it made me feel guilty for lying, but I didn't back down from my plan.
I don't remember the first two sessions very well, but they were four hours of her asking for forgiveness, crying, and talking about what she was willing to do to earn back my trust and repair the damage she had caused to our family if I gave her a second chance. Don't ask me for the exact words because I was too focused on following my lawyer's instructions to pay much attention to her.
The problem arose during the last session. I don't remember what my wife said about the hotel they went to, but several questions came to my mind. I thought that if I was already paying for therapy, it should at least serve to clear up my doubts in a safe environment. It worked more or less, since as I kept asking, I was able to picture the situation little by little.
This part is going to be a bit long, so I apologize for subjecting you to this poor account:
Apparently, she had already noticed that the hobosexual was escalating things quickly, so she wasn't entirely surprised when he asked her to leave work early to go to the hotel. She told me that on the way there, she didn't think about anything; only when they arrived at the hotel did she feel the excitement of being desired by someone younger. She said it felt strange, but at the same time, it felt good.
Anyway, they went up to the room, started kissing, and finally got to the sex. She told me that while she was lying down with him on top of her, face to face, he kissed her and tried to intertwine his fingers with hers (not that I'm bragging or anything, but that's something I used to do in public and during intimacy). It was at that moment that she started thinking clearly, realizing that it was wrong, that she shouldn't be in that room, let alone with anyone other than me. She says she wasn't even conscious during the rest of the act—that she started crying while thinking about my reaction when I found out, imagining me crying or locking myself in our room (she wasn't too far off). That was when she pushed the scoundrel off her, broke down crying on the bed, and then got into the shower until she stopped feeling anything related to the hobosexual.
The idiot was confused when she came out and asked her to keep going. She told him to get away from her, and well, that's where the recordings from my third or fourth post continue—the ones where she leaves the hotel crying and calls a taxi back to her workplace.
I asked her why she hadn't deleted the messages from her phone. She told me it was because she planned on telling me and kept the conversations because she thought I'd want to know the whole situation once she confessed, but she simply couldn't find the courage to tell me. She said she would then get affectionate with me, wishing that could erase everything she had done, because she couldn't find the right moment to break my heart.
Then I asked her what she was thinking while flitting with him. She told me she wasn't thinking; she only knew she had to hide it from me because she could get in trouble. But it was from that day on that she realized she had screwed up—that she had broken our vows, that she had hurt me even if I didn't realize it, that she had crossed every line. She finished with: "But I swear on our baby's life that I will dedicate the rest of my life to being the wife you deserve if you can give me a chance, even if I don't deserve it."
I got extremely angry hearing her swear on our daughter's life, because my daughter is the most important thing to me. Her comparing my daughter to her worthless word felt like more of an insult than a promise.
I asked her: "What would you have done if it were me who had been in a hotel with such a disgusting person?"
She answered: "It would hurt me just like the pain I know you're going through, but I would try to forgive you, because I love you very much and I really want to stay by your side; I want to grow old with you."
And that was when everything went to hell. I swallowed hard and replied: "Of course you would forgive me, because you're a stupid woman—stupid enough to fall for the biggest idiot you could find. But unlike you, I'm not that stupid; I don't sleep with parasites, and I don't forgive cheating fools."
I don't know what else I said; I just kept venting with insults. I knew it hurt her, and she was serious because she was biting her lip as her eyes welled up with tears. I almost stopped, but then I imagined her excited, walking into a hotel room with that idiot, and my blood boiled (I literally felt my body burning). The therapist tried to calm me down, but that only made me angrier because I felt she was taking her side.
I told them I had had enough of feeling bad over someone else's actions. I stood up, declared the session over, and went to my car. As I closed the door, I saw her approaching; I took a deep breath to try to calm down, got out of the car, and before she could speak, I told her I never wanted to see her again in my life, that I hated her, and that I regretted marrying someone who was either so evil or so stupid as to break her husband's heart and leave her daughter adrift. She didn't even know what to say when I got back inside and drove home.
I won't be returning to therapy. My lawyer told me that those three sessions (12 hours in total) were probably enough.
It still hurts like hell. Seeing that I almost brought her to tears with insults makes me feel like the worst person, but at least this time I didn't hug her, I didn't cry, and I didn't cave in. At least this time I managed to stand my ground.
I think this will be my penultimate post. I'll only post an update once the divorce is finalized, unless something interesting or very important happens, since at this point I'm using this account as a way to vent.
Thank you very much to the people who wrote to give me advice, as well as those who took the time to comment on my posts, even those who just read about how I felt. At least I know my pain isn't a matter of indifference to anyone.
I hope most of you don't have to go through this kind of situation. To those who unfortunately find themselves or have found themselves in a similar spot, I want to tell you that whatever you do, whatever you decide, you have my support. If you're getting a divorce, I know what you're living through; and if you decide to stay, I know why you're doing it, and I hope your relationships can heal.

I never thought I’d be posting here, but my world has completely shattered and I don't know where else to turn. I (25M) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 3.5 years, and everything just came crashing down.

​When we first met, I knew he drank heavily, but I fell for him anyway. For the first year, he refused to commit to an exclusive relationship and kept seeing other people. I reached my limit and broke things off. That night, he got down on his knees, begged for my forgiveness, promised we were officially together, and I chose to believe him and move forward.

​Over our 3.5 years together, I realized he is an active alcoholic. Almost every single night (Monday through Saturday, sometimes Sundays), he would go out drinking with friends until dawn, leaving me alone at home crying. He’d stumble in at 5 AM and pass out on the couch. Whenever I begged him to change, he flipped it on me, claiming I was "trying to control his life."

​Three days ago, we had the exact same argument. He got angry, yet had the audacity to look me in the eye and say, "I love you"—the exact same night he went on to betray me.

​He went to a party without even inviting me. He came home at 5 AM and slept on the couch again. The next morning, I woke up with a terrible gut feeling. I checked Instagram and saw a video posted by his friend showing my boyfriend with a guy he used to hook up with back when he refused to commit to me. When I confronted him, he immediately started gaslighting me, crying, and calling me "crazy" before storming out.

​Later that afternoon, a stranger messaged me on Instagram. They confirmed that my boyfriend was heavily making out with that guy at the party—it was completely out of control, and they left the party together. There is no doubt in my mind it ended in sex.

​I am completely devastated. I moved from my small hometown to a major city just to build a life with him. I don’t know anyone here, I have zero local friends or support system, and this apartment isn't mine. Financially, I am in a terrible spot and I don't even know how I'm going to avoid homelessness in the coming days.

​Now, he is begging for my forgiveness, making excuses, and blaming it all on being "too drunk." How could he not think of me for a single second? How does he have the nerve to ask for forgiveness after destroying my life and giving me deep trauma for any future relationship?

​I don't know what to do, how to process this, or where to go from here.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting this. Advice, validation, somewhere to put all of this, I genuinely don’t know. I just need to get it out because I feel like I’m going fucking insane.
My wife and I have been effectively separated for about nine months. We have two kids together, one of them is 9. During that time there have been affairs, lies, broken promises, constant moving of goalposts, and months of me trying to figure out whether our marriage was actually going to survive.
The most recent affair was with another woman. I knew about her. I was told that relationship/contact was over, and despite everything that had happened, I left some tiny part of the door open because my wife repeatedly told me she wanted to come home and work on our marriage.
For months it has been some variation of “I’m coming back.” A date would get picked. We’d make plans. I’d start preparing for the kids to come home. Then something would happen and the date would move. Then another date. Then another explanation. At some point I stopped even believing it when she said she was coming home because I had heard it so many times.
She’s currently been staying with her parents in another state with our kids. Our 9-year-old needs to be back in school and our younger son had a daycare spot waiting for him here. She told me she was finally returning this past Sunday.
Sunday came and there was basically radio silence.
Eventually I called her trying to figure out what was happening. Instead of “my car is packed and I’m leaving at X time,” I was still getting vague answers like “I guess I have to.” The more I tried to get an actual answer, the angrier she became. The conversation ended with her telling me she fucking hated me.
I lost my temper too. I’m not going to pretend I handled every conversation perfectly. After nine months of this I unloaded a lot of anger and said things I’m not proud of.
I finally told her I was done waiting. I told her I needed space, that for a while I only wanted communication about our kids or genuinely necessary logistics, and that I didn’t want phone calls unless something was actually urgent. I told her I was going to stop making financial and life decisions based around promises that she was coming home. For example, I was going to cancel our youngest son’s daycare spot because I couldn’t justify paying to hold an empty spot indefinitely.
She immediately started blowing my phone up asking if I was breaking up with her, telling me she quit her job “for me,” accusing me of trying to control her, etc. She repeatedly called from her phone, then started calling me from our 9-year-old son’s phone, and I started getting No Caller ID calls.
When I stopped answering, she called the police to do a welfare check on me.
The police came. I explained what was going on. They were satisfied I was fine and left.
Eventually things calmed down somewhat. She apologized for some of her behavior and even admitted that when she feels somebody pulling away from her she has a tendency to try to regain control. She said she was going to leave the next morning and bring the kids back.
Monday came and there were immediately more reasons to hesitate. Our 9-year-old apparently “seemed really disappointed” about coming back. She asked if he was going back to his old school. I told her yes for now because he needs to be enrolled immediately, but that it absolutely doesn’t have to be permanent and we could look at other schools once he is actually here. My position was basically: he’s 9, of course he may be disappointed about leaving where he’s been staying or going back to school, but the adults still have to make decisions and get him enrolled.
Eventually she actually started packing.
And then tonight I found something that completely destroyed whatever tiny piece of hope I still had.
I found the affair partner’s Facebook.
There were profile pictures of the two of them together as recently as July 14. I found out that on a recent trip my wife took to Sioux Falls, she met up with her again. I learned that they are STILL in contact.
And then I found out my wife had introduced BOTH OF OUR CHILDREN to her affair partner.
That completely broke me.
For months I was being told one thing while apparently an entirely different reality was happening behind my back. I was sitting here waiting for my wife to come home, trying to decide whether I could somehow forgive everything and rebuild our marriage, while she was still seeing/talking to this person and had brought our children around her.
I told my wife we’re getting divorced. I told her I’m getting an attorney and that I’m done.
She completely fell apart. Crying, bawling, hysterical. At first it was “I won’t sign the papers.” Eventually she seemed to understand that I genuinely do not want to continue the marriage.
The bizarre part is that she still wants to move back here with the kids tomorrow. She says she’ll stay in the spare bedroom and doesn’t expect us to work on the marriage anymore. At this point, honestly, that’s fine with me temporarily because I want my children home and I’m not making major housing/custody decisions in the middle of the night before speaking to an attorney.
The argument started around midnight. It’s now almost 4 AM. I’m supposed to be at work in a couple hours.
And underneath all the anger, I am just fucking devastated.
Because the truly humiliating part is that some piece of me STILL wants her to realize what we had. I still want her to look at everything she destroyed and want me. I don’t even think I want the marriage anymore. I think I want to know that I mattered enough for her to regret losing me.
I spent nine months feeling replaceable by the person I built my life with.
Every time I started believing her, something else happened. Every time I thought I understood where we stood, the ground moved again. I worried about my kids, tried to keep everything together, listened to her problems, tried to help her through crises, dealt with the financial consequences of everything, and kept this tiny fucking piece of hope alive that eventually she would choose our family and actually follow through.
And tonight I feel like an idiot for having had that hope at all.
I know anger is carrying a lot of this right now. I know I said horrible shit tonight and I’m not proud of that. I’m going to talk to an attorney and I’m going to try to handle whatever happens next like an adult, especially because we have children who don’t deserve to be caught in the middle.
But right now I’m just sitting here completely exhausted, furious, heartbroken and wondering how somebody who supposedly loved me could watch me spend nine months trying to hold onto something while knowing they weren’t being honest with me.
I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to trust this person again.
I don’t even know what grieving a marriage is supposed to look like when you’re simultaneously so angry at the person that you can barely stand them and still wishing they would turn around and prove that you mattered.