u/Minute-Rest-796

My lawyer gave me the same advice that several of you had given me, but this time for a different purpose. Basically, he told me to go to couples therapy; according to him, this could make it look like I tried to save our marriage but couldn't, which would destroy any chance my wife has of delaying the divorce before the judge. Since I'm avoiding her to prevent another drama like the one in my last post, my lawyer sent a process server to summon her to the office of a therapist he already knew. I didn't have to like her, nor did I even need to feel a sense of trust, because my lawyer warned me that under no circumstances should I accept any blame. In fact, I didn't even have to elaborate on my answers—speaking in monosyllables for a couple of sessions would be enough.
So, I met her at the entrance of the office for the first session. I won't say she was dressed up; I could barely say she had taken a shower (which, compared to the last time I saw her, is progress).
During the session, I didn't speak much. I just told the therapist that I had sought couples therapy to establish co-parenting agreements for our daughter and to evaluate whether our marriage was in a good place for reconciliation. That made my wife a bit excited; it made me feel guilty for lying, but I didn't back down from my plan.
I don't remember the first two sessions very well, but they were four hours of her asking for forgiveness, crying, and talking about what she was willing to do to earn back my trust and repair the damage she had caused to our family if I gave her a second chance. Don't ask me for the exact words because I was too focused on following my lawyer's instructions to pay much attention to her.
The problem arose during the last session. I don't remember what my wife said about the hotel they went to, but several questions came to my mind. I thought that if I was already paying for therapy, it should at least serve to clear up my doubts in a safe environment. It worked more or less, since as I kept asking, I was able to picture the situation little by little.
This part is going to be a bit long, so I apologize for subjecting you to this poor account:
Apparently, she had already noticed that the hobosexual was escalating things quickly, so she wasn't entirely surprised when he asked her to leave work early to go to the hotel. She told me that on the way there, she didn't think about anything; only when they arrived at the hotel did she feel the excitement of being desired by someone younger. She said it felt strange, but at the same time, it felt good.
Anyway, they went up to the room, started kissing, and finally got to the sex. She told me that while she was lying down with him on top of her, face to face, he kissed her and tried to intertwine his fingers with hers (not that I'm bragging or anything, but that's something I used to do in public and during intimacy). It was at that moment that she started thinking clearly, realizing that it was wrong, that she shouldn't be in that room, let alone with anyone other than me. She says she wasn't even conscious during the rest of the act—that she started crying while thinking about my reaction when I found out, imagining me crying or locking myself in our room (she wasn't too far off). That was when she pushed the scoundrel off her, broke down crying on the bed, and then got into the shower until she stopped feeling anything related to the hobosexual.
The idiot was confused when she came out and asked her to keep going. She told him to get away from her, and well, that's where the recordings from my third or fourth post continue—the ones where she leaves the hotel crying and calls a taxi back to her workplace.
I asked her why she hadn't deleted the messages from her phone. She told me it was because she planned on telling me and kept the conversations because she thought I'd want to know the whole situation once she confessed, but she simply couldn't find the courage to tell me. She said she would then get affectionate with me, wishing that could erase everything she had done, because she couldn't find the right moment to break my heart.
Then I asked her what she was thinking while flitting with him. She told me she wasn't thinking; she only knew she had to hide it from me because she could get in trouble. But it was from that day on that she realized she had screwed up—that she had broken our vows, that she had hurt me even if I didn't realize it, that she had crossed every line. She finished with: "But I swear on our baby's life that I will dedicate the rest of my life to being the wife you deserve if you can give me a chance, even if I don't deserve it."
I got extremely angry hearing her swear on our daughter's life, because my daughter is the most important thing to me. Her comparing my daughter to her worthless word felt like more of an insult than a promise.
I asked her: "What would you have done if it were me who had been in a hotel with such a disgusting person?"
She answered: "It would hurt me just like the pain I know you're going through, but I would try to forgive you, because I love you very much and I really want to stay by your side; I want to grow old with you."
And that was when everything went to hell. I swallowed hard and replied: "Of course you would forgive me, because you're a stupid woman—stupid enough to fall for the biggest idiot you could find. But unlike you, I'm not that stupid; I don't sleep with parasites, and I don't forgive cheating fools."
I don't know what else I said; I just kept venting with insults. I knew it hurt her, and she was serious because she was biting her lip as her eyes welled up with tears. I almost stopped, but then I imagined her excited, walking into a hotel room with that idiot, and my blood boiled (I literally felt my body burning). The therapist tried to calm me down, but that only made me angrier because I felt she was taking her side.
I told them I had had enough of feeling bad over someone else's actions. I stood up, declared the session over, and went to my car. As I closed the door, I saw her approaching; I took a deep breath to try to calm down, got out of the car, and before she could speak, I told her I never wanted to see her again in my life, that I hated her, and that I regretted marrying someone who was either so evil or so stupid as to break her husband's heart and leave her daughter adrift. She didn't even know what to say when I got back inside and drove home.
I won't be returning to therapy. My lawyer told me that those three sessions (12 hours in total) were probably enough.
It still hurts like hell. Seeing that I almost brought her to tears with insults makes me feel like the worst person, but at least this time I didn't hug her, I didn't cry, and I didn't cave in. At least this time I managed to stand my ground.
I think this will be my penultimate post. I'll only post an update once the divorce is finalized, unless something interesting or very important happens, since at this point I'm using this account as a way to vent.
Thank you very much to the people who wrote to give me advice, as well as those who took the time to comment on my posts, even those who just read about how I felt. At least I know my pain isn't a matter of indifference to anyone.
I hope most of you don't have to go through this kind of situation. To those who unfortunately find themselves or have found themselves in a similar spot, I want to tell you that whatever you do, whatever you decide, you have my support. If you're getting a divorce, I know what you're living through; and if you decide to stay, I know why you're doing it, and I hope your relationships can heal.

Today I feel like I've lost the little progress I've made; I don't trust my own judgment.
The thing is, I gathered the documents my lawyer asked for. Fortunately, I don't need her signature to start the divorce, only my own will and a separation agreement. Currently, my lawyer is drafting these documents. I told him that I would speak with my wife first to figure out how to divide custody and assets. Even though this is her fault, I want it to be as fair as possible, and I think that’s where my mistake lies.
So, I send her a message and it doesn’t go through. I call her and it goes straight to voicemail. I call her parents' house and my father-in-law answers. I don't remember the exact words, but basically, he told me that my wife barely leaves her room, and we ended up agreeing that the two of them would look after my daughter so they could leave the house empty and we could talk.
That brings us to today. I had rehearsed what I was going to say to her and the points we were going to clarify. I welcomed my in-laws at the house and drove over there. I parked a few houses away just to review what I was going to say; I thought I was ready, but it turned out I wasn't.
The house was silent except for the sound of the TV in my wife's room. I approached the door and opened it, only to see the disaster it had become. It looked like a messy child's room. She was in bed in her pajamas, curled up. She wasn't even watching the television; she didn't even react when I opened the door. She was just there in the fetal position. Then I called her name, and that’s when she actually reacted.
She lifted her head and jumped out of bed to run to my legs. She dropped to the floor and hugged me with such urgency that if I hadn't grabbed the door frame, she probably would have knocked me down. And it was right then that my entire plan and my rehearsed words went down the drain. She started crying, soaking my pants with her tears and probably snot. She began to speak in a rushed, frantic way, repeating words and forgetting to breathe at times.
"Please forgive me." "I wasn't thinking." "I can fix it if you let me." "I'm an idiot." "I love you so so much." "I can't lose you." "Please don't leave me."
It might have lasted about thirty seconds, but it felt like an eternity. I don't know what happened to me, but I couldn't stand seeing her like that. Because lying there, I saw the woman who used to move my world just by smiling, my best friend, the one who for fourteen years was my refuge, the one I used to pamper almost as much as my daughter whenever she got sick. I knelt down and hugged her, trying to comfort her. She cried for a while longer, and I didn't even notice when we ended up lying down on her bed.
We talked—we talked a lot, but not about what I had planned to talk about. She told me she was fired for missing too many days of work and for getting involved with someone in a lower position than hers. She hasn't even charged her phone since she realized I didn't plan on writing to her. Her dad tries to be respectful but she knows he's disappointed, and her mother straight up isn't speaking to her.
For my part, I told her about the STD tests, the paternity test, and how a lawyer was drafting a divorce document. She only cried harder and asked me if she had really ruined things that badly, if I truly didn't want her in my life anymore. I didn't answer.
In the end, we ended up crying, holding each other in her bed. It reeked of not having showered in days and cigarette smoke. She begged me again not to go through with the divorce and told me she was sorry. I was on the verge of calling my lawyer and canceling everything; I was about to tell her that I still want to stay married to her. Fortunately, I held back. I told her that I didn't think I was capable of trusting her or forgiving her right now, and maybe never. I told her that she destroyed our family and that I didn't know if this was even fixable.
She let out the most horrible scream I have ever heard in my life and clung to me again while crying and babbling. I just rubbed her back the whole time until she fell asleep. At that moment, I decided I had nothing left to do there and went back home. My in-laws were just sitting at the table; the little girl had already gone to bed (I really was out there for quite a while). I poured them some coffee and gave them a summary of what happened. My mother-in-law tried to comfort me, and my father-in-law just stayed silent.
When they left, I went to my daughter's room just to wish her goodnight, and at that moment, I started to cry. Because now this girl, my girl, is going to be in a broken home. There will be days when I can't kiss her forehead and wish her goodnight; there will be days when I won't see her. I realize how much she looks like her mom, and that only makes me feel even worse because just a few weeks ago, I had my family in the same house.
Today I realized something I don't know how to handle in the future: I still love her, more than I should, and I feel like I put my plans at risk because I turned out to be much more emotional than I thought. I didn't even do what I was supposed to go do. I have so much anxiety about calling her, about telling her at least that I miss her. I want to call my lawyer and tell him that I'm not getting divorced anymore, to cancel everything.
I am deeply ashamed. Ashamed because I comforted her, because despite the damage she did, it still hurts me to see her cry. Ashamed because I broke down in front of her, because my decision—which I believed was firm—shakes with just one afternoon of hugs and tears. Ashamed because I don't know which path to take, even when one of them leads me into the arms of a person who lied to me, who clearly doesn't feel and will never feel what I came to feel for her.
I am not going to talk to her anymore, even if it kills me not to, even if I want to hear her voice. I will only have contact with her through my lawyer. If I had known this would happen, I would have never gotten married. I completely regret it.

1st post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/N9FjgXfGmI

2nd post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/aMzSut1aUh

3rd post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/K0d2XmpWm9

4th post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/ORhWtMf910

So yeah, I’ve seen my in-laws' cameras many times—longer than I’d care to admit—from the day I dropped her off at her parents' house until today. Her whole routine consisted of going out to smoke two or three times a day and going to a shop near their house; at least, that’s what I think, because the camera quality isn't very good, so I couldn't see what she had in her hands. However, it took her no more than ten minutes to walk there and back. I also noticed she wore the same clothes for several days; as I said, the camera quality isn't great, but I think it was those old clothes she used as pajamas. She hasn't gone to work, so I assume she either quit or is working remotely.
After the initial messages, she hasn't written to me, which I appreciate. Regarding the hobosexual’s fiancée (I don’t remember who said it, but the name made me laugh), we haven’t spoken again. I suppose she doesn’t want to be associated with the husband of the woman who ruined her life and that of her unborn child. I can’t blame her, and honestly, I don’t think I’m in a position to help anyone right now.
The paternity tests are ready. Fortunately, my daughter *is* mine. I’m not entirely surprised because I don’t think she had cheated on me before, but I still had that horrible doubt, and a user recommended I do it anyway for medical reasons. Anyway, it’s one less burden.
Regarding the hotel, the lawyer couldn’t get their cameras, but he did get footage from some nearby businesses. What you can see is the idiot’s car arriving (surely paid for by his girlfriend’s parents, like the parasite he is); he drops my wife off at the entrance, goes to the parking lot, and comes back to walk in with her. A little over half an hour later, my wife walks out crying. She stands there on the sidewalk for a bit, a few minutes pass, and another car arrives (probably a rideshare driver); she gets in the back and leaves. It’s worth noting that this happened during working hours, so they either didn't go to work that day or left early for this bullshit.
I can’t describe the anger I felt seeing that. I can’t stop wondering what she did in that room, I can’t stop thinking about how she acted normally with our daughter, and how in the following days she had become especially affectionate with me—nights when she would hold me tight, whisper sweet nothings, and kiss me repeatedly. I *was* like that with her every day, but the difference is that I did it because I loved her, not out of guilt. Guilt for doing this kind of stupid shit. Maybe she cried while waiting for the car because she regretted it, maybe she felt bad for hiding this from me, maybe she truly repents, but it’s useless. She should have regretted it when she was flirting with this asshole, when she got into that car, when she paid for a hotel room. Her regret is useless to me now if she already ruined 14 years together, if she already broke our promises, if she already divided our family.
That woman isn't her. My wife was an incredible, understanding, loving, and intelligent woman. The woman in the video is a fool—a grown woman who thought she was in some cheap teenage romance movie, an idiot whom a parasite manipulated just to boost his ego, and this dummy fell for it.
The owner of one of the businesses was kind enough to let us see the recordings from the following days (up until the day I discovered everything), and we didn't find anything else. It was only that day, which matches what she told me.
So, I have the proof of her infidelity and the certainty that she at least told me the truth. This doesn’t mean she is forgiven, because rather than the truth about how she slept with someone, I would have preferred she didn't sleep with that piece of trash in the first place. But at least it’s one point in her favor amidst all the shit she did.
I feel like I hate her. I haven’t found a psychologist or therapist I can trust. I can't find anyone to talk to about this without making it awkward. If it were anything else, I would run to vent to her, but obviously, that won't happen anymore, and I don’t know if it ever should have been that way.
I don’t think I can reconcile. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to maintain a cordial relationship as separated parents. I think it’s truly over. I would have given everything for it not to be this way, to spend the rest of our lives together as we promised so many times. But it seems not, and not because I didn't do enough, but because she didn't give our promises, our marriage, and our family the importance they deserve.

1st post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/N9FjgXfGmI

2nd post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/aMzSut1aUh

3rd post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/K0d2XmpWm9

A few hours ago, I was contacted by the pregnant fiancée of the asshole from work. It turns out my wife confessed to her about the affair with her fiancé. She didn’t tell her that I had caught her, so she was trying to warn me that my wife was cheating on me (if only she knew I was planning to do the same). We talked for a while. Apparently, she kicked him out as soon as she found out because this isn’t the first time he’s done this. It turns out he’s new at work, someone at the very bottom of the hierarchy, so he wasn’t the main provider at home. It wasn’t even his house; it belongs to his fiancée's parents. He tried to make a large cash withdrawal at an ATM, but she had deactivated the cards. Just as I imagined: a parasite, a miserable, pathetic loser who lives at the expense of others. I hope he suffers wherever he is sleeping. I hope he realizes what kind of scumbag he is, someone who only ruins the lives of the people around him.
She also told me that my wife didn’t just warn her about the infidelity, but she also vented to her. Now I have a bit more clarity as to the "why" behind the affair.
As I mentioned before, the asshole from work is several years younger than my wife. Apparently, his partner's pregnancy had caused her to lose her libido or something like that. I guess he felt sexually frustrated and targeted my wife because she seemed like an easy mark. She has always been an insecure person, the kind who looks small compared to others, putting height aside (honestly, I don't know, and maybe I'll never know why out of all people he chose her, I'm just trying to connect the pieces). On my wife's part (according to what she told this woman), she felt flattered that a young person was attracted to her, and she was thrilled by the excitement of having a secret—even if she didn’t love him and knew perfectly well that he didn’t care what happened to her.
Now I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m relieved to know she didn’t love him; on the other hand, I’m furious that she was stupid enough to risk everything for a cheap thrill—worse yet, doing it knowing it was a cheap thrill. And the most pathetic part of me feels guilt, because I thought she felt loved and desired with me. I tried to be a good husband. I was overly affectionate with her; I never missed an opportunity to kiss or hug her. Every day I told her I loved her, that she looked beautiful, that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and yet she threw it all away. I can’t help but think that maybe she was missing something with me.
I still haven’t spoken to her. I haven’t blocked her or anything; I simply haven’t replied to her messages. Contrary to what you might think, she hasn’t been calling nonstop. She sends me short messages, an "I love you" or a "please forgive me." Once she sent a "can we talk?". I haven’t responded to any messages, and she seems to have understood because she doesn’t send anything afterward.
I took several STD tests as suggested. Everything is fine for now, but I will do a second round in the future just to be sure. Regarding my daughter, I already sent the samples and I'm waiting for the results. I’m doing it for medical reasons and, yes, also to rid myself of the anxiety that the doubt causes me. No matter the result, she will always be my daughter. Right now, I can’t imagine life without her. She misses her mom like any little girl would, but she seems to be handling things well. I try to make her feel adored (because she is adored), and I seem to be succeeding in keeping her from feeling the sadness that is in our home.
I’m already in touch with a lawyer in case I do go through with the divorce. He has informed me on what I need to do and what awaits me if I decide to follow that route. I’m still thinking about it, but for some reason, I still feel like I should wait and see what happens.

Thank you for your advice and words of support. I don’t know if you are here to support me or just because you find all of this interesting, but either way, it feels good to be heard.For more context, I've included my previous posts here.

1st post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/N9FjgXfGmI

2nd post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/aMzSut1aUh

P.S. For those wondering, I was planning on telling the asshole's fiancée. I didn’t want to tell her before her baby was born because I didn’t want anything to happen to the baby, but at the same time, I didn’t think it was right to delay the truth. If I were her, I would have wanted to know as soon as possible. But it’s fine, one less worry.
P.S. 2. I found the hotel where they stayed. The lawyer requested the recordings from that day to gather evidence in case she tries to get away with the accusations. I might watch them; I know it might be the worst thing I've ever seen, but at the same time, I want to be sure if she told me the truth or just lied.

Así que escuché el consejo de la gente que me dijo que me diera un paso atrás, por lo menos con respecto a lo que pensaba que debía hacer. Hoy me tomé un día libre del trabajo. Ella no fue a trabajar ayer, y hoy tampoco. Después de las pocas horas de sueño que tuve y de leer algunas de tus respuestas, fui a la cocina y la encontré despierta. Probablemente había estado llorando porque tenía los ojos rojos, o tal vez simplemente tampoco ha podido dormir, igual que yo. Le dije que no sabía si iba a acabar en un divorcio o, al contrario, si de verdad quiero arreglar esto; que el divorcio es una posibilidad muy, muy real, quizá la más probable de las dos (aunque a veces también me entra esa horrible urgencia de perdonarla). Le dije que me iba a quedar unos días en un hotel o en casa de un amigo. Vi que quería ponerse a llorar otra vez, pero esta vez lo aguantó. Me dijo que era ella la que debería irse, que se quedaría en casa de sus papás el tiempo que yo necesitara. Obviamente, se disculpó conmigo una y otra vez, junto con el ruego de “pensarlo bien” y darme una oportunidad. No puedo y todavía no puedo prometer nada, pero voy a usar este tiempo para pensar qué es lo mejor para nuestra hija, que es y va a seguir siendo mi prioridad número uno. Si algún día quiero respuestas a todas mis preguntas, se las voy a pedir; por ahora, necesito tiempo. Ella empacó algunas cosas, y cuando llegó la hora de que nuestra hija fuera a la escuela, aproveché para llevarla después a la casa de sus papás. Se despidió de nuestra hija con lágrimas en los ojos, y al mismo tiempo, siento que se guardó un montón cuando la dejábamos en las rejas de la escuela y vimos cómo entraba. Cuando llegamos a casa de mis suegros, ya estaban esperándola (les había llamado para explicar la situación). Mi suegra está decepcionada, pero al mismo tiempo le dio pena mi esposa—al final, es su hija. Mientras ellos se iban al cuarto, mi suegro se quedó conmigo en la entrada. De los dos, es el que más confío; siempre he tenido buena relación con él, y me dolería distanciarme si al final termino divorciándome. Para dar un poco de contexto, él ya se divorció una vez y estaba a nada de divorciarse de mi suegra. Me dijo que si planeo reconciliarme, tengo que tener en cuenta que es un proceso largo y extremadamente doloroso, y que solo debería perdonarla si estoy seguro de que es lo que quiero. Por otro lado, si elijo divorciarme, también necesito saber que probablemente será lo más difícil de mi vida, considerando que ya tenemos una hija; que no es fácil partir tu vida en dos porque, me guste o no, mi matrimonio es una parte fundamental de mi vida. Lo más importante que me dijo es que tengo que reconocer cuándo algo no tiene futuro, por mucho que lo quiera. Entiende si me quedo por nuestra hija, pero dijo que estaría mal si solo me quedo por ella; que no está mal ser egoísta en estas situaciones, y que muy probablemente, nuestra hija va a estar feliz aunque tenga que vivir en dos casas. También tomé en cuenta el consejo de algunos de ustedes, y mañana me voy a reunir con un abogado. No es que la decisión de separarnos ya esté tomada; solo quiero estar informado. Cuando regresé a casa, volví a llorar hasta que tuve que ir a recoger a mi niña de la escuela. Le di una explicación breve de que Mami y Papá necesitaban un tiempo separados, pero que la queremos pase lo que pase. Pareció entender. En cuanto llegamos a casa, empecé a jugar con ella. Fue una tarde súper agradable. Me di cuenta de cuánto la había descuidado por estar demasiado consumido por mi propio dolor, y de cuánto me ayuda pasar tiempo con ella. En serio, escuchar su risa fuerte e incontrolable me hace sentir mejor que en estos días. Gracias por su consejo. Un comentario me dijo que llevara un diario, pero creo que estos posts van a ocupar ese lugar. Al final, es una cuenta nueva y anónima que no creo que vaya a usar para nada más.
P.S. Mi suegro compartió el link de acceso a las cámaras de su casa para que tenga más tranquilidad. Y también, mi esposa me dijo que puedo activar controles parentales en su teléfono. No quiero ser el tipo paranoico, pero esto no me parece una mala idea.
P.S. 2*m El idiota con el que estaba en el trabajo es un imbécil de 24 años. Tiene una prometida embarazada (eventualmente me contactaré con ella). Me da pena por la pobre mujer, pero hay una parte retorcida de mí que se alegra de que muy probablemente el idiota también sufra, aunque sea un poquito.

Mi primer post, por si alguien quiere leerlo: [ https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/iFCbs7kyxV\ ](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/iFCbs7kyxV)

She is 36, I am 35. We have been married for 3 years, together for 14.
Two weeks ago I found out. I saw some suspicious messages on her phone, I confronted her about it, and she immediately started crying and begging for forgiveness. She told me it only happened once. Turns out, for the past four months, she had been flirting with a coworker. They hadn't done anything until he—shortly before the day I discovered the messages—asked her to go to a hotel after work. Acting like a stupid, infatuated teenager, she agreed. She got into the car, and it goes without saying what they did there; I don’t even want to write it down. She says she felt horrible, that she regretted it the very first second, that she fled the room, called a taxi back to the office, and then drove back home. She cried the whole way, and she says there isn't a single night where she doesn't pray for forgiveness. She hasn't spoken to him since and avoids him at work. And precisely during that period, she had become more affectionate and sentimental. I ended the conversation right there. I simply couldn't speak, I couldn't think straight. I went to bed and cried like I have never cried in my life. She tried to come close and I pushed her away. She just stared at me for a while until I fell asleep.
Since then, she has been sleeping on the couch. Obviously, we don't talk much, mostly due to my own reluctance, since she is willing to talk and do whatever it takes to fix what she did, or at least that’s what she says.
I know the obvious answer is get a divorce, but there is a huge problem: we have a daughter, a little girl who is barely 5 years old. I don't want to be the person who stays just for the kids, but I know what a divorce does to children. My parents divorced when I was around the same age, and I don't want that for her. I don't want her to see her parents hurting each other, I don't want her to have to choose between her and me, I don't want to split her life. I would hate to repeat history.
These past two weeks have been terrible. I haven't slept peacefully. I am plagued by questions that I don't even know if I'm ready to know the answers to. My imagination fills my head with disgusting scenes, thinking about what she and he did, about how she pretended everything was fine while lying to me. How could she lie to me? How could she think she could play me for a fool for the rest of our lives, or if, on the contrary, she assumed everything would end the moment I found out and still thought the risk was worth it?
There isn't a night where I don't feel like crying. Sometimes a few tears escape, and sometimes I swallow it down; I don't want the girl to hear me. She cries too, more than I do. She doesn't do it in front of me; she does it quietly from the couch when she thinks I can't hear her. I don't think it's an attempt at manipulation or anything, and it hurts me, because there are moments when I want to go hug her, to promise her that everything will be fine, that I love her. It's ridiculous, but I could never stand seeing her cry, because she was my best friend for 14 years. She was the woman who comforted me countless times, the one who knew me better than anyone, the one with whom I have a daughter, the woman I could talk to for hours or simply sit with in silence and be happy either way. But there are also moments when I hate her, when I want to tell her that she has no right to feel bad, that she caused all of this, that she is a grown woman to be doing such stupid things. I want to tell her to go open her legs for whoever she damn well pleases but to get away from me and my little girl, that I never want to see her again.
I know I need to think with a cold head, but that moment simply doesn't come. One moment I want to push her out of the house, the next I just want to be the cheesy man she allowed me to be. One day I wake up thinking about forgiving her, determined to listen to what she has to say, determined to find a therapist and save my marriage, and the next day I'm already prepared to call a lawyer, cut off all contact with her, and move on with my life. I don't know if two weeks is too soon to make decisions, or if, on the contrary, I've wasted time in my indecision and should have already acted by now.
Why did she do this? What does he have that I don't? Do these years together mean anything to her? Did she think of me while they were driving to that hotel? Of our daughter? Did she ever think about leaving me for him?
Please, I need advice, anything.
PD. I asked an AI to translate this, so I'm not sure how understandable it will be.