u/BeanzToez

I recently found out that my partner of 4.5 yrs has been cheating on me.

For some context, we got together in high school. It was a rough start, my first real relationship. He didn't know how to treat me and deal with his emotions. About six months in, he confessed to actually dating someone when we got together (first instance of cheating). He explained that they was completely online, and would threaten to kill themselves when they tried to brake up, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We worked it out and it was better from there. I still think we fight more than we should, some days are bad and some are good. But it had been progressively getting better, or so I thought.

I had a male friend that I was talking to, who I confided information about the relationship with. He would talk poorly about my partner over text, and I let him probably more than I should've. I constantly defended my partner to him in person, but I guess that didn't translate over text. My friend would also tell me about his sex life, as do my female friends so I didn't think anything of it. One day my partner was going through my phone (he would often do this without asking, just takes it while I'm asleep and maybe tells me at a later point) and blew up at me saying I'm a cheater and this and that and making me promise not to talk to my friend again, to which I did because I felt like I had no other choice. I did end up talking to my friend behind his back, just to explain a little and say goodbye, because he was my best friend and I cared about him. I haven't talked to him sense. He then saw that message as well and said I was choosing my friend over him, and said that he deserves to get revenge and a whole lot of other things. I understand that this was a breach of trust and boundaries, but not cheating. He told his friends and whoever else that I cheated on him, which I let him because he was really hurt and needed to vent, and I understood that. This was a year or two ago at this point.

Time passes, we both seem to move on. My partner tells me that he's moved on and makes a point to rub it in my face how much better he was and that he didn't get revenge even though he should have. Moving to a couple weeks from present date, an old friend (we ended on bad terms) reached out to tell me my boyfriend was cheating on me. I was a skeptic, because she has embellish things before, and I assumed thought pretty lowly of me. She said that he had slept with multiple of his coworkers. I reached out to one of his coworkers (who also does not like me and talked trash to my partner about me) asking if they slept together and she said no. I went through my partners phone and did not find anything, but he does not save most phone numbers and deletes a lot of things.

Earlier in the day (on D-Day) I casually ask my partner if he cheated on me, to which he said no, and that is not the first time this has happened. I hinted to having some more information and said we'd chat later. To which later he knew that I knew that he cheated on me, and when I asked again he still said no. I then had to ask him multiple times, to which he finally confessed to "kissing" one of his coworkers when he thought that I cheated on him with my friend (to which I did not, and was also probably a year and a half ago at this point). I asked him for details and he seemed very apologetic and to regret his actions. This one girl had been intrested in him for YEARS and he knew that. Upon me grilling him for more details he said that it was only her, and they kissed two or three times over the span of a three ish week period. That they would go to work and just constantly talk and flirt with one another. I thought that he was finally being honest, turned out he was not.

I asked him multiple times about the other girl (the one that talked trash about me who I messaged) before he finally confessed to "making out" with her as well. This is what really sent me over the edge. He knew that I did not like her, and I had told him multiple times that she had multiple sexual harassment complaints against her. She made up a story about me cheating on him (I have never once before actually talked to this girl, we just went to school together) and he believed her and let her talk trash about me constantly. He ended up giving her a ride home, and they went for a drive for like an hour and a half, before he dropped her off outside her house, to which he said they made out. He said she was flirting with him and he wanted revenge on me. I also do know that this particular girl flirts and kissed anything that breathes, hence the multiple sexual harassment complaints. This was in October, 6 months to a year after the first coworker. He then confesses to having "made out" with the first coworker as well, rather than just kissing as he previously stated. Both coworkers were in relationships and cheating on them as well, but they told their partners immediately. He claims to regret it so much and hate himself for it and whatnot, but I do not understand how you hate and regret your actions and keep doing them repeatedly. He suddenly had all the right things to say, how much he regreted it, that he'd work on his emotionally instability, finally talk to a therapist, etc. He took full accountability without blaming me, which was nice at least. He claimed to want to tell me, but I do not think he was ever going to. I gave him so many chances to own up, and even when I finally thought he was being truthful, I found out he was not, so I cannot bring myself to believe him at this point.

This was two or three weeks ago at this point. I don't know if he just made out with them, or if more happened or if it was with more people, and I've lost all trust he will say the truth. I just don't know where to go from here. The lizard part of my brain loves this man so much that I want to keep destroying myself for him. Part of me wants to believe that it will never happen again, but I believed that it would never happen in the first place, so I cannot trust that. Three makes a pattern, and there was a long period of time for him to reflect in between them. I don't know whats worse, the fact that it happened or the constant lies over and over again for years. We ran into one of them in public and still neither him nor her voiced a single thing. He looked both of us in the eyes then went on with his day. Part of me wants to move past this, stay with him, pretend like things are normal. But the other part of me knows that I will never forgive him, or trust a single thing he says. I know that most of the comments are going to recomend to leave, but I just don't know where I stand or what I want to do, and unfortunetly, it is my decision. Part of me wants to stay, be with the man that I love, but part of me wants to leave, not living the rest of my life with a cheater wondering when it'll happen again. There is a lot more to the story than what is said above, but this is just the spark notes version so it doesn't get too too long. Just any advice at all would be appreciated

I recently found out that my partner of 4.5 yrs has been cheating on me.

For some context, we got together in high school. It was a rough start, my first real relationship. He didn't know how to treat me and deal with his emotions. About six months in, he confessed to actually dating someone when we got together (first instance of cheating). He explained that they was completely online, and would threaten to kill themselves when they tried to brake up, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We worked it out and it was better from there. I still think we fight more than we should, some days are bad and some are good. But it had been progressively getting better, or so I thought.

I had a male friend that I was talking to, who I confided information about the relationship with. He would talk poorly about my partner over text, and I let him probably more than I should've. I constantly defended my partner to him in person, but I guess that didn't translate over text. My friend would also tell me about his sex life, as do my female friends so I didn't think anything of it. One day my partner was going through my phone (he would often do this without asking, just takes it while I'm asleep and maybe tells me at a later point) and blew up at me saying I'm a cheater and this and that and making me promise not to talk to my friend again, to which I did because I felt like I had no other choice. I did end up talking to my friend behind his back, just to explain a little and say goodbye, because he was my best friend and I cared about him. I haven't talked to him sense. He then saw that message as well and said I was choosing my friend over him, and said that he deserves to get revenge and a whole lot of other things. I understand that this was a breach of trust and boundaries, but not cheating. He told his friends and whoever else that I cheated on him, which I let him because he was really hurt and needed to vent, and I understood that. This was a year or two ago at this point.

Time passes, we both seem to move on. My partner tells me that he's moved on and makes a point to rub it in my face how much better he was and that he didn't get revenge even though he should have. Moving to a couple weeks from present date, an old friend (we ended on bad terms) reached out to tell me my boyfriend was cheating on me. I was a skeptic, because she has embellish things before, and I assumed thought pretty lowly of me. She said that he had slept with multiple of his coworkers. I reached out to one of his coworkers (who also does not like me and talked trash to my partner about me) asking if they slept together and she said no. I went through my partners phone and did not find anything, but he does not save most phone numbers and deletes a lot of things.

Earlier in the day (on D-Day) I casually ask my partner if he cheated on me, to which he said no, and that is not the first time this has happened. I hinted to having some more information and said we'd chat later. To which later he knew that I knew that he cheated on me, and when I asked again he still said no. I then had to ask him multiple times, to which he finally confessed to "kissing" one of his coworkers when he thought that I cheated on him with my friend (to which I did not, and was also probably a year and a half ago at this point). I asked him for details and he seemed very apologetic and to regret his actions. This one girl had been intrested in him for YEARS and he knew that. Upon me grilling him for more details he said that it was only her, and they kissed two or three times over the span of a three ish week period. That they would go to work and just constantly talk and flirt with one another. I thought that he was finally being honest, turned out he was not.

I asked him multiple times about the other girl (the one that talked trash about me who I messaged) before he finally confessed to "making out" with her as well. This is what really sent me over the edge. He knew that I did not like her, and I had told him multiple times that she had multiple sexual harassment complaints against her. She made up a story about me cheating on him (I have never once before actually talked to this girl, we just went to school together) and he believed her and let her talk trash about me constantly. He ended up giving her a ride home, and they went for a drive for like an hour and a half, before he dropped her off outside her house, to which he said they made out. He said she was flirting with him and he wanted revenge on me. I also do know that this particular girl flirts and kissed anything that breathes, hence the multiple sexual harassment complaints. This was in October, 6 months to a year after the first coworker. He then confesses to having "made out" with the first coworker as well, rather than just kissing as he previously stated. Both coworkers were in relationships and cheating on them as well, but they told their partners immediately. He claims to regret it so much and hate himself for it and whatnot, but I do not understand how you hate and regret your actions and keep doing them repeatedly. He suddenly had all the right things to say, how much he regreted it, that he'd work on his emotionally instability, finally talk to a therapist, etc. He took full accountability without blaming me, which was nice at least. He claimed to want to tell me, but I do not think he was ever going to. I gave him so many chances to own up, and even when I finally thought he was being truthful, I found out he was not, so I cannot bring myself to believe him at this point.

This was two or three weeks ago at this point. I don't know if he just made out with them, or if more happened or if it was with more people, and I've lost all trust he will say the truth. I just don't know where to go from here. The lizard part of my brain loves this man so much that I want to keep destroying myself for him. Part of me wants to believe that it will never happen again, but I believed that it would never happen in the first place, so I cannot trust that. Three makes a pattern, and there was a long period of time for him to reflect in between them. I don't know whats worse, the fact that it happened or the constant lies over and over again for years. We ran into one of them in public and still neither him nor her voiced a single thing. He looked both of us in the eyes then went on with his day. Part of me wants to move past this, stay with him, pretend like things are normal. But the other part of me knows that I will never forgive him, or trust a single thing he says. I know that most of the comments are going to recomend to leave, but I just don't know where I stand or what I want to do, and unfortunetly, it is my decision. Part of me wants to stay, be with the man that I love, but part of me wants to leave, not living the rest of my life with a cheater wondering when it'll happen again. There is a lot more to the story than what is said above, but this is just the spark notes version so it doesn't get too too long. Just any advice at all would be appreciated

I recently found out that my partner of 4.5 yrs has been cheating on me.

For some context, we got together in high school. It was a rough start, my first real relationship. He didn't know how to treat me and deal with his emotions. About six months in, he confessed to actually dating someone when we got together (first instance of cheating). He explained that they was completely online, and would threaten to kill themselves when they tried to brake up, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We worked it out and it was better from there. I still think we fight more than we should, some days are bad and some are good. But it had been progressively getting better, or so I thought.

I had a male friend that I was talking to, who I confided information about the relationship with. He would talk poorly about my partner over text, and I let him probably more than I should've. I constantly defended my partner to him in person, but I guess that didn't translate over text. My friend would also tell me about his sex life, as do my female friends so I didn't think anything of it. One day my partner was going through my phone (he would often do this without asking, just takes it while I'm asleep and maybe tells me at a later point) and blew up at me saying I'm a cheater and this and that and making me promise not to talk to my friend again, to which I did because I felt like I had no other choice. I did end up talking to my friend behind his back, just to explain a little and say goodbye, because he was my best friend and I cared about him. I haven't talked to him sense. He then saw that message as well and said I was choosing my friend over him, and said that he deserves to get revenge and a whole lot of other things. I understand that this was a breach of trust and boundaries, but not cheating. He told his friends and whoever else that I cheated on him, which I let him because he was really hurt and needed to vent, and I understood that. This was a year or two ago at this point.

Time passes, we both seem to move on. My partner tells me that he's moved on and makes a point to rub it in my face how much better he was and that he didn't get revenge even though he should have. Moving to a couple weeks from present date, an old friend (we ended on bad terms) reached out to tell me my boyfriend was cheating on me. I was a skeptic, because she has embellish things before, and I assumed thought pretty lowly of me. She said that he had slept with multiple of his coworkers. I reached out to one of his coworkers (who also does not like me and talked trash to my partner about me) asking if they slept together and she said no. I went through my partners phone and did not find anything, but he does not save most phone numbers and deletes a lot of things.

Earlier in the day (on D-Day) I casually ask my partner if he cheated on me, to which he said no, and that is not the first time this has happened. I hinted to having some more information and said we'd chat later. To which later he knew that I knew that he cheated on me, and when I asked again he still said no. I then had to ask him multiple times, to which he finally confessed to "kissing" one of his coworkers when he thought that I cheated on him with my friend (to which I did not, and was also probably a year and a half ago at this point). I asked him for details and he seemed very apologetic and to regret his actions. This one girl had been intrested in him for YEARS and he knew that. Upon me grilling him for more details he said that it was only her, and they kissed two or three times over the span of a three ish week period. That they would go to work and just constantly talk and flirt with one another. I thought that he was finally being honest, turned out he was not.

I asked him multiple times about the other girl (the one that talked trash about me who I messaged) before he finally confessed to "making out" with her as well. This is what really sent me over the edge. He knew that I did not like her, and I had told him multiple times that she had multiple sexual harassment complaints against her. She made up a story about me cheating on him (I have never once before actually talked to this girl, we just went to school together) and he believed her and let her talk trash about me constantly. He ended up giving her a ride home, and they went for a drive for like an hour and a half, before he dropped her off outside her house, to which he said they made out. He said she was flirting with him and he wanted revenge on me. I also do know that this particular girl flirts and kissed anything that breathes, hence the multiple sexual harassment complaints. This was in October, 6 months to a year after the first coworker. He then confesses to having "made out" with the first coworker as well, rather than just kissing as he previously stated. Both coworkers were in relationships and cheating on them as well, but they told their partners immediately. He claims to regret it so much and hate himself for it and whatnot, but I do not understand how you hate and regret your actions and keep doing them repeatedly. He suddenly had all the right things to say, how much he regreted it, that he'd work on his emotionally instability, finally talk to a therapist, etc. He took full accountability without blaming me, which was nice at least. He claimed to want to tell me, but I do not think he was ever going to. I gave him so many chances to own up, and even when I finally thought he was being truthful, I found out he was not, so I cannot bring myself to believe him at this point.

This was two or three weeks ago at this point. I don't know if he just made out with them, or if more happened or if it was with more people, and I've lost all trust he will say the truth. I just don't know where to go from here. The lizard part of my brain loves this man so much that I want to keep destroying myself for him. Part of me wants to believe that it will never happen again, but I believed that it would never happen in the first place, so I cannot trust that. Three makes a pattern, and there was a long period of time for him to reflect in between them. I don't know whats worse, the fact that it happened or the constant lies over and over again for years. We ran into one of them in public and still neither him nor her voiced a single thing. He looked both of us in the eyes then went on with his day. Part of me wants to move past this, stay with him, pretend like things are normal. But the other part of me knows that I will never forgive him, or trust a single thing he says. I know that most of the comments are going to recomend to leave, but I just don't know where I stand or what I want to do, and unfortunetly, it is my decision. Part of me wants to stay, be with the man that I love, but part of me wants to leave, not living the rest of my life with a cheater wondering when it'll happen again. There is a lot more to the story than what is said above, but this is just the spark notes version so it doesn't get too too long. Just any advice at all would be appreciated