u/StephGB91

Hey everyone,
My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

Hey everyone, My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

Hey everyone, My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

Hey everyone, My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

Hey everyone, My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

Hey everyone, My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

Hey all,

Does anyone know of any good therapists that specialise in betrayal trauma, I am based in the UK but happy to do remote sessions.

I need more support from with managing the betrayal of 4 years, I feel quite stuck / triggered in it and finding it hard to process. If you don't know of any therapists, any book recommendations / podcasts / videos / helpful tips would be very much appreciated.

Thank you all! :)

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing how they were falling for each other. I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.
To anchor myself in reality, the betrayal came with three severe dynamics:

Complete abandonment: While carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work, later minimizing it with, "Yes, but I still cared about you." This comes after I supported her through her master's degree by paying all our rent, cooking every night, and managing our home while she lied to my face, and after she previously saw how deeply I was impacted when I lost my mum suddenly two years ago. On top of everything, she pushed to get a cat together and has now dumped full responsibility for him onto me.

Blame-shifting and rewriting history: She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!"—only to later compare her own shock at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

Breadcrumbs and control: She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, "Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no. She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!?

Today, I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. Processing this betrayal alongside a health crisis and grieving my mum has left me physically sick. The psychological toll has damaged my trust in my own intuition, making me feel terrified of my own judgment and constantly anxious that I somehow "pushed her to it."
If anyone has been through something similar or survived severe gaslighting, I would deeply appreciate your perspective:

How does someone blow up years of love and stability for a chaotic workplace affair with someone who is also cheating?
How did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?
What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a coworker. I (35F) only found out on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing "falling for each other."

For three months prior, she pulled away completely, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone who knew her is in shock—no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit. Because of that, I’ve started gaslighting myself, wondering if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should or if it was somehow my fault.

To anchor myself in reality, here are 3 examples that capture what I went through:

Abandonment during my cancer scare:
While actively carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work. When confronted later, she minimized it with: “Yes, but I still cared about you”

Blame-shifting and rewriting history:
She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to explain why she cheated, saying it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicion earlier, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity
“Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" and later compared her shock at her own behavior to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

Breadcrumbs and control:
She repeatedly dangled future hope (Maybe one day we can try again") and admitted the thought of me moving on makes her “stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or commitment.

Where I am today:

I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. The psychological toll of the gaslighting is taking a heavy hit:

Constantly second-guessing reality
My brain keeps trying to excuse her behavior or find ways to blame myself (What if I pushed her to it?)

Zero trust in my intuition: I feel terrified of my own judgment. The fact that everyone was fooled by her makes me feel like I can't trust my perception of anyone.

Profound grief and isolation: Processing this betrayal alongside a cancer scare and the anniversary of my mom's death has left me physically sick and drained.

The support I need: I need help breaking out of this self-doubt loop:

Validation & perspective: A clear reality check that this was severe manipulation, not a shared relationship failure.

Rebuilding self-trust: If you've survived severe gaslighting, how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?

Grounding strategies:: How do you calm the panic when self-blame sets in?

Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers a few words of support. ❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a coworker. I (35F) only found out on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing "falling for each other."

For three months prior, she pulled away completely, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone who knew her is in shock—no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit. Because of that, I’ve started gaslighting myself, wondering if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should or if it was somehow my fault.

To anchor myself in reality, here are 3 examples that capture what I went through:

Abandonment during my cancer scare:

While actively carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work. When confronted later, she minimized it with: “Yes, but I still cared about you”

Blame-shifting and rewriting history: She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to explain why she cheated, saying it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicion earlier, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity
“Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" and later compared her shock at her own behavior to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

2Breadcrumbs and control:
She repeatedly dangled future hope (Maybe one day we can try again")

admitted the thought of me moving on makes her “stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or commitment.

Where I am today

I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. The psychological toll of the gaslighting is taking a heavy hit:
Constantly second-guessing reality
My brain keeps trying to excuse her behavior or find ways to blame myself (What if I pushed her to it?)

Zero trust in my intuition: I feel terrified of my own judgment. The fact that everyone was fooled by her makes me feel like I can't trust my perception of anyone.

Profound grief and isolation: Processing this betrayal alongside a cancer scare and the anniversary of my mom's death has left me physically sick and drained.

The support I need: I need help breaking out of this self-doubt loop:

Validation & perspective: A clear reality check that this was severe manipulation, not a shared relationship failure.

Rebuilding self-trust: If you've survived severe gaslighting, how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?

Grounding strategies:: How do you calm the panic when self-blame sets in?

Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers a few words of support. ❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a coworker. I (35F) only found out on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing "falling for each other."

For three months prior, she pulled away completely, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone who knew her is in shock—no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit. Because of that, I’ve started gaslighting myself, wondering if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should or if it was somehow my fault.

To anchor myself in reality, here are 3 examples that capture what I went through:

Abandonment during my cancer scare:
While actively carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work. When confronted later, she minimized it with: “Yes, but I still cared about you”

Blame-shifting and rewriting history:
She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to explain why she cheated, saying it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicion earlier, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity
“Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" and later compared her shock at her own behavior to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

Breadcrumbs and control:
She repeatedly dangled future hope (Maybe one day we can try again") and admitted the thought of me moving on makes her “stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or commitment.

Where I am today:

I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. The psychological toll of the gaslighting is taking a heavy hit:

Constantly second-guessing reality
My brain keeps trying to excuse her behavior or find ways to blame myself (What if I pushed her to it?)

Zero trust in my intuition: I feel terrified of my own judgment. The fact that everyone was fooled by her makes me feel like I can't trust my perception of anyone.

Profound grief and isolation: Processing this betrayal alongside a cancer scare and the anniversary of my mom's death has left me physically sick and drained.

The support I need: I need help breaking out of this self-doubt loop:

Validation & perspective: A clear reality check that this was severe manipulation, not a shared relationship failure.

Rebuilding self-trust: If you've survived severe gaslighting, how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?

Grounding strategies:: How do you calm the panic when self-blame sets in?

Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers a few words of support. ❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a coworker. I (35F) only found out on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing "falling for each other."

For three months prior, she pulled away completely, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone who knew her is in shock—no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit. Because of that, I’ve started gaslighting myself, wondering if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should or if it was somehow my fault.

To anchor myself in reality, here are 3 examples that capture what I went through:

Abandonment during my cancer scare:
While actively carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work. When confronted later, she minimized it with: “Yes, but I still cared about you”

Blame-shifting and rewriting history:
She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to explain why she cheated, saying it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicion earlier, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity
“Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" and later compared her shock at her own behavior to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

Breadcrumbs and control:
She repeatedly dangled future hope (Maybe one day we can try again") and admitted the thought of me moving on makes her “stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or commitment.

Where I am today:

I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. The psychological toll of the gaslighting is taking a heavy hit:

Constantly second-guessing reality
My brain keeps trying to excuse her behavior or find ways to blame myself (What if I pushed her to it?)

Zero trust in my intuition: I feel terrified of my own judgment. The fact that everyone was fooled by her makes me feel like I can't trust my perception of anyone.

Profound grief and isolation: Processing this betrayal alongside a cancer scare and the anniversary of my mom's death has left me physically sick and drained.

The support I need: I need help breaking out of this self-doubt loop:

Validation & perspective: A clear reality check that this was severe manipulation, not a shared relationship failure.

Rebuilding self-trust: If you've survived severe gaslighting, how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?

Grounding strategies:: How do you calm the panic when self-blame sets in?

Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers a few words of support. ❤️

Support with betrayal / gaslighting myself

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a coworker. I (35F) only found out on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing "falling for each other."

For three months prior, she pulled away completely, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone who knew her is in shock—no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit. Because of that, I’ve started gaslighting myself, wondering if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should or if it was somehow my fault.

To anchor myself in reality, here are 3 examples that capture what I went through:

Abandonment during my cancer scare:
While actively carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work. When confronted later, she minimized it with: “Yes, but I still cared about you”

Blame-shifting and rewriting history:
She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to explain why she cheated, saying it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicion earlier, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity
“Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" and later compared her shock at her own behavior to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

Breadcrumbs and control:
She repeatedly dangled future hope (Maybe one day we can try again") and admitted the thought of me moving on makes her “stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or commitment.

Where I am today:

I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. The psychological toll of the gaslighting is taking a heavy hit:

Constantly second-guessing reality
My brain keeps trying to excuse her behavior or find ways to blame myself (What if I pushed her to it?)

Zero trust in my intuition: I feel terrified of my own judgment. The fact that everyone was fooled by her makes me feel like I can't trust my perception of anyone.

Profound grief and isolation: Processing this betrayal alongside a cancer scare and the anniversary of my mom's death has left me physically sick and drained.

The support I need: I need help breaking out of this self-doubt loop:

Validation & perspective: A clear reality check that this was severe manipulation, not a shared relationship failure.

Rebuilding self-trust: If you've survived severe gaslighting, how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?

Grounding strategies:: How do you calm the panic when self-blame sets in?

Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers a few words of support. ❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a coworker. I (35F) only found out on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing "falling for each other."

For three months prior, she pulled away completely, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone who knew her is in shock—no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit. Because of that, I’ve started gaslighting myself, wondering if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should or if it was somehow my fault.

To anchor myself in reality, here are 3 examples that capture what I went through:

1. **Abandonment during my cancer scare:** While actively carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work. When confronted later, she minimized it with: *"Yes, but I still cared about you."*

2. **Blame-shifting and rewriting history:** She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to explain why she cheated, saying it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicion earlier, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity (*"Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!"*), and later compared her shock at her own behavior to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

3. **Breadcrumbs and control:** She repeatedly dangled future hope (*"Maybe one day we can try again"*), admitted the thought of me moving on *"makes her stomach flip,"* and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or commitment.
   Where I am today
   I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. The psychological toll of the gaslighting is taking a heavy hit:
   **Constantly second-guessing reality:** My brain keeps trying to excuse her behavior or find ways to blame myself (*"What if I pushed her to it?"*).

**Zero trust in my intuition:** I feel terrified of my own judgment. The fact that everyone was fooled by her makes me feel like I can't trust my perception of anyone.

**Profound grief and isolation:** Processing this betrayal alongside a cancer scare and the anniversary of my mom's death has left me physically sick and drained.
The support I need
I need help breaking out of this self-doubt loop:

**Validation & perspective:** A clear reality check that this was severe manipulation, not a shared relationship failure.
**Rebuilding self-trust:** If you've survived severe gaslighting, how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?

**Grounding strategies:** How do you calm the panic when self-blame sets in?

Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers a few words of support. ❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a 25F coworker (who was also in a long-term relationship). I (35F) only found out on March 31st because I accidentally stumbled across her ChatGPT prompts, where she wrote about "falling for each other" and being "caught up in the affair."

For three months before I found out (from late January), she completely pulled away—no kissing, sleeping on the sofa, leaving to stay at her parents' house during the week, and isolating me from friends and family. She claimed she was just "severely burnt out," making me feel like I was insane for picking up on her distance. During this exact same period, I was going through a cancer scare, and she didn't come to a single appointment with me.

Now that it's over, I've started gaslighting myself and wondering if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. I put together a list of every specific thing she said and did before and after I caught her.
Could use some perspective, words of wisdom, or validation that this was deeply manipulative. There were no warning signs, I did not see this coming and everyone who knew or met her is deeply shocked and can’t believe she was capable of this level of dishonesty and betrayal, me included! Hence why I think I’ve started gaslighting myself that surely she couldn’t done this / been that bad?

Here is the list:
Stalking my flat and leading me on:
After I found out and was staying with her parents, she showed up unannounced on the week of my mom’s death anniversary to leave a letter asking to talk later. Shortly after, she let herself into my flat without permission to get clothes. She told me she loved me and said if I’m single in the future when she reaches out, maybe we can try again.

Covering up lies in real-time:
On that same day, she claimed she was meeting a friend. I pointed out that the friend was abroad according to Instagram stories. She claimed the friend had just returned today. Shortly after, I was blocked from that friend's IG stories—she clearly had her friend (who is also a cheater) block me to hide the lie.

Physical phone hiding & gaslighting:
Once after dinner, I walked behind her to wash dishes and saw her turn her body completely around to hide her phone screen. When I asked if she was hiding her phone, she denied it and said, "No, I was just moving around," before shifting back.

Coldness on Valentine’s Day:
She gave me a red rose every year, but this year she just gave me a card claiming she "couldn't find roses." The card said she was sorry she couldn't be there for me, called me her "rock/pillar," and said I was the best part of her life. The day after, the AP tried to FaceTime her via her laptop. When I mentioned it, she dismissed it as "just about work." I had made a full itinerary valentine’s day invite and sent it to her work email, and she just said she felt guilty because she didn't have the "capacity" to do anything due to burn out—yet she had full capacity to text/call the AP.

Faking an "identity crisis" while active in the affair: She repeatedly claimed she was having an "identity crisis," needed time alone to reflect on the relationship, and needed to process "how I had hurt her." She told me she wouldn't make a "rash decision," leaving me waiting in limbo feeling like a terrible partner while she was actually using that "alone time" to call and meet up with AP.

Bizarre "look I'm innocent" posturing:
I walked into the bedroom once while she was blatantly texting. When I sat down, she opened her hands and displayed her phone home screen to me in an unnaturally forced way, as if to say, "Look, I'm innocent."

Using her family to hold me hostage:
She stalled ending things by saying, "My family loves you and said they'd stay in touch with you if we broke up—that’s not a small thing for me." She forced me to sit on the sidelines waiting for her decision. When her parents and I went to her place, she was cold, gave me a brief hug, and rushed out to meet a friend. When I said I thought she was the love of my life, she smirked and said, "You can't say that right now." When I asked if her "burnout" was at a serious level using an inside joke, she acted smug and shy. I even sent a self-care journal to her mum's house to support her, which she accepted while actively cheating.

Showering with her phone: She started locking/shutting the bathroom door when showering, staying in there much longer than usual, and always taking her phone inside with her.

Half-naked photos & deleting evidence:
After I found out, I discovered semi-naked photos of her in her deleted folder. When asked if she sent them to the AP, she denied it, claiming she was "just taking them of myself" and asking, "If I was sending them, why would they be in my deleted folder?" All their Instagram messages were deleted; her excuse was "because it's wrong and shouldn't be on my phone."

Blame-shifting through "self-worth":
After being caught, she claimed she cheated because her low self-worth made her feel "not good enough" for me.

Petty social media mirroring: Months after finding out, I deleted her from Instagram and removed our photos. Someone clearly told her, because she immediately deleted photos of us too to retaliate.

Offering "feedback" on my performance:
She asked to have a talk about what led to her cheating, saying, "I think some of the things you should probably be aware of because it's also how you were in the relationship." When I asked why she’d give me feedback after cheating, she claimed she thought it would "be good for me to hear" and said she "didn't feel seen," shifting her choice to cheat into a shared failure.

Weaponising low self-worth to silence me:
She begged me not to tell our mutual friends about the affair, claiming every person I told "chipped away at her self-worth even more."

Flaunting happiness while I was in agony:
The week I found out, she went on a weekend hiking trip with a friend, posted smiling photos at a bar on Instagram, and looked completely happy while I was at home crying and unable to eat. During that exact trip, she texted asking for my birth time so her friend could run a "love compatibility test" for us.

Triangulating with her dad: She told me her dad hoped we could work it out because he was fond of me. When I asked if she was suggesting we rebuild, she backtracked: "I wasn't trying to confuse you, I told you because that's what he said and you asked."
* Repeated breadcrumbing: She kept repeating the phrase: "I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again."

Coldness during errands and rewriting memories: Before I found out, she asked for help taking her car to the garage. She was icy and distant the whole day. When I said, "You're still my favorite person to drive me around" (a romantic callback to our early dates), she coldly replied, "Well that makes sense, cause I did teach you to drive." She then said she needed to "do everything she would if she was single" to "find herself," but rejected therapy, communication, or boundaries within the relationship. I even told her to pay me less toward house bills so she could afford the car repair; as soon as it was fixed, she rushed off to her friend's house.

Deflection, DARVO & using her mother's history: When I confronted her about sitting by a train station and not picking up my call, she claimed she was dropping off a friend. When I said it felt suspicious, she got defensive and snapped, "Do you want to say goodbye to her as well?!" She then turned off her location, claiming she "didn't like how the interaction made her feel." When I voiced suspicion about cheating, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity: "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!"

Non-committal letters: She wrote a handwritten letter saying I loved her like no one else, that I gave her "quiet strength," and that she hoped to gain my trust back. When pressed, she again claimed she didn't mean to imply we were getting back together.

Minimizing the AP: She claimed the affair wasn't about the AP specifically, saying it "could have been anyone" and that the AP just "highlighted something wrong within herself."

Cruelty surrounding my cancer scare & my mother's death: Before I found out, she made me feel like I had done something terrible, citing random old grievances like claiming I made hurtful comments about her mum (who had previously faked a near-death heart emergency two days after my own mother died of a heart condition). During her affair, I had a cancer scare. She said "we will get through it," but missed every appointment. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy alone while she went to work. When I called her out on this later, she said: "Yes, but I still cared about you."

Playing the victim and comparing her affair to suicide trauma: She claimed she "imploded her own life" and compared her shock at her own behavior to how she felt when her ex died by suicide. She called herself "unwell," started smoking, and cried to me: "I'm not like you, you're very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me."

Rewarding me for "catching myself": Before I found out, I felt so paranoid that I checked her laptop messages. Feeling guilty, I confessed to her. Instead of coming clean, she said it was fine and asked if I wanted to see the messages. When I said no, she said my snooping "opened a door" and warned that if I had insisted on seeing them, "that would have changed things," but praised me for "catching myself."

Ignoring AI advice to keep cheating:
Her ChatGPT history revealed the AI advised her to distance herself from both me and the AP to avoid hurting anyone. She explicitly typed back: "I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise."

Blatant sexual admission:
She admitted she thought about sleeping with the AP the first time they kissed, but claimed she "wouldn't/couldn't do that."

Dangling future hope without commitment: She stated she needed to be on her own to figure out "how she got here," adding that if she reached out in the future and I wanted to try again that would be ideal, but she couldn't commit to therapy or trying now.

False reassurances: Right before I found out, she explicitly said, "I can't imagine my life without you as my partner."

Using AP details to garner sympathy:
During the affair, she claimed she was so stressed from "burnout" that she threw up at work, adding: "[AP's Name] noticed I was shaking."

Reframing the affair as a positive test: After being caught, she said: "You never know, this may have needed to happen for us to make us stronger."

Joking about polyamory: After I found out she jokingly told me, "My friend reckons I'm polyamorous," before adding, "No, I couldn't be."

Dismissing my pain: When I told her "You've blown my life up," she dismissed it by saying, "I know, but you're still young."

Hypocritical rules: When she wanted space before I found out, I jokingly asked if we should just open the relationship and date others. She coldly said, "You can, but I'm not gonna hang around"—while actively cheating behind my back.

Possessiveness after the breakup:
After the breakup, she told me that the thought of me moving on or dating someone else "makes her stomach flip," but added that she "can't stop me if that's what I want."

I feel sick reading over all of this. Am I crazy, or is this textbook manipulation and psychological abuse? How do I stop gaslighting myself into thinking any of this was my fault?

Thanks in advance to anyone reading, really appreciate any words of support/validation! ❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a 25F coworker (who was also in a long-term relationship). I (35F) only found out on March 31st because I accidentally stumbled across her ChatGPT prompts, where she wrote about "falling for each other" and being "caught up in the affair."

For three months before I found out (from late January), she completely pulled away—no kissing, sleeping on the sofa, leaving to stay at her parents' house during the week, and isolating me from friends and family. She claimed she was just "severely burnt out," making me feel like I was insane for picking up on her distance. During this exact same period, I was going through a cancer scare, and she didn't come to a single appointment with me.

Now that it's over, I've started gaslighting myself and wondering if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. I put together a list of every specific thing she said and did before and after I caught her.
Could use some perspective, words of wisdom, or validation that this was deeply manipulative. There were no warning signs, I did not see this coming and everyone who knew or met her is deeply shocked and can’t believe she was capable of this level of dishonesty and betrayal, me included! Hence why I think I’ve started gaslighting myself that surely she couldn’t done this / been that bad?

Here is the list:
Stalking my flat and leading me on:
After I found out and was staying with her parents, she showed up unannounced on the week of my mom’s death anniversary to leave a letter asking to talk later. Shortly after, she let herself into my flat without permission to get clothes. She told me she loved me and said if I’m single in the future when she reaches out, maybe we can try again.

Covering up lies in real-time:
On that same day, she claimed she was meeting a friend. I pointed out that the friend was abroad according to Instagram stories. She claimed the friend had just returned today. Shortly after, I was blocked from that friend's IG stories—she clearly had her friend (who is also a cheater) block me to hide the lie.

Physical phone hiding & gaslighting:
Once after dinner, I walked behind her to wash dishes and saw her turn her body completely around to hide her phone screen. When I asked if she was hiding her phone, she denied it and said, "No, I was just moving around," before shifting back.

Coldness on Valentine’s Day:
She gave me a red rose every year, but this year she just gave me a card claiming she "couldn't find roses." The card said she was sorry she couldn't be there for me, called me her "rock/pillar," and said I was the best part of her life. The day after, the AP tried to FaceTime her via her laptop. When I mentioned it, she dismissed it as "just about work." I had made a full itinerary valentine’s day invite and sent it to her work email, and she just said she felt guilty because she didn't have the "capacity" to do anything due to burn out—yet she had full capacity to text/call the AP.

Faking an "identity crisis" while active in the affair: She repeatedly claimed she was having an "identity crisis," needed time alone to reflect on the relationship, and needed to process "how I had hurt her." She told me she wouldn't make a "rash decision," leaving me waiting in limbo feeling like a terrible partner while she was actually using that "alone time" to call and meet up with AP.

Bizarre "look I'm innocent" posturing:
I walked into the bedroom once while she was blatantly texting. When I sat down, she opened her hands and displayed her phone home screen to me in an unnaturally forced way, as if to say, "Look, I'm innocent."

Using her family to hold me hostage:
She stalled ending things by saying, "My family loves you and said they'd stay in touch with you if we broke up—that’s not a small thing for me." She forced me to sit on the sidelines waiting for her decision. When her parents and I went to her place, she was cold, gave me a brief hug, and rushed out to meet a friend. When I said I thought she was the love of my life, she smirked and said, "You can't say that right now." When I asked if her "burnout" was at a serious level using an inside joke, she acted smug and shy. I even sent a self-care journal to her mum's house to support her, which she accepted while actively cheating.

Showering with her phone: She started locking/shutting the bathroom door when showering, staying in there much longer than usual, and always taking her phone inside with her.

Half-naked photos & deleting evidence:
After I found out, I discovered semi-naked photos of her in her deleted folder. When asked if she sent them to the AP, she denied it, claiming she was "just taking them of myself" and asking, "If I was sending them, why would they be in my deleted folder?" All their Instagram messages were deleted; her excuse was "because it's wrong and shouldn't be on my phone."

Blame-shifting through "self-worth":
After being caught, she claimed she cheated because her low self-worth made her feel "not good enough" for me.

Petty social media mirroring: Months after finding out, I deleted her from Instagram and removed our photos. Someone clearly told her, because she immediately deleted photos of us too to retaliate.

Offering "feedback" on my performance:
She asked to have a talk about what led to her cheating, saying, "I think some of the things you should probably be aware of because it's also how you were in the relationship." When I asked why she’d give me feedback after cheating, she claimed she thought it would "be good for me to hear" and said she "didn't feel seen," shifting her choice to cheat into a shared failure.

Weaponising low self-worth to silence me:
She begged me not to tell our mutual friends about the affair, claiming every person I told "chipped away at her self-worth even more."

Flaunting happiness while I was in agony:
The week I found out, she went on a weekend hiking trip with a friend, posted smiling photos at a bar on Instagram, and looked completely happy while I was at home crying and unable to eat. During that exact trip, she texted asking for my birth time so her friend could run a "love compatibility test" for us.

Triangulating with her dad: She told me her dad hoped we could work it out because he was fond of me. When I asked if she was suggesting we rebuild, she backtracked: "I wasn't trying to confuse you, I told you because that's what he said and you asked."
* Repeated breadcrumbing: She kept repeating the phrase: "I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again."

Coldness during errands and rewriting memories: Before I found out, she asked for help taking her car to the garage. She was icy and distant the whole day. When I said, "You're still my favorite person to drive me around" (a romantic callback to our early dates), she coldly replied, "Well that makes sense, cause I did teach you to drive." She then said she needed to "do everything she would if she was single" to "find herself," but rejected therapy, communication, or boundaries within the relationship. I even told her to pay me less toward house bills so she could afford the car repair; as soon as it was fixed, she rushed off to her friend's house.

Deflection, DARVO & using her mother's history: When I confronted her about sitting by a train station and not picking up my call, she claimed she was dropping off a friend. When I said it felt suspicious, she got defensive and snapped, "Do you want to say goodbye to her as well?!" She then turned off her location, claiming she "didn't like how the interaction made her feel." When I voiced suspicion about cheating, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity: "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!"

Non-committal letters: She wrote a handwritten letter saying I loved her like no one else, that I gave her "quiet strength," and that she hoped to gain my trust back. When pressed, she again claimed she didn't mean to imply we were getting back together.

Minimizing the AP: She claimed the affair wasn't about the AP specifically, saying it "could have been anyone" and that the AP just "highlighted something wrong within herself."

Cruelty surrounding my cancer scare & my mother's death: Before I found out, she made me feel like I had done something terrible, citing random old grievances like claiming I made hurtful comments about her mum (who had previously faked a near-death heart emergency two days after my own mother died of a heart condition). During her affair, I had a cancer scare. She said "we will get through it," but missed every appointment. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy alone while she went to work. When I called her out on this later, she said: "Yes, but I still cared about you."

Playing the victim and comparing her affair to suicide trauma: She claimed she "imploded her own life" and compared her shock at her own behavior to how she felt when her ex died by suicide. She called herself "unwell," started smoking, and cried to me: "I'm not like you, you're very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me."

Rewarding me for "catching myself": Before I found out, I felt so paranoid that I checked her laptop messages. Feeling guilty, I confessed to her. Instead of coming clean, she said it was fine and asked if I wanted to see the messages. When I said no, she said my snooping "opened a door" and warned that if I had insisted on seeing them, "that would have changed things," but praised me for "catching myself."

Ignoring AI advice to keep cheating:
Her ChatGPT history revealed the AI advised her to distance herself from both me and the AP to avoid hurting anyone. She explicitly typed back: "I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise."

Blatant sexual admission:
She admitted she thought about sleeping with the AP the first time they kissed, but claimed she "wouldn't/couldn't do that."

Dangling future hope without commitment: She stated she needed to be on her own to figure out "how she got here," adding that if she reached out in the future and I wanted to try again that would be ideal, but she couldn't commit to therapy or trying now.

False reassurances: Right before I found out, she explicitly said, "I can't imagine my life without you as my partner."

Using AP details to garner sympathy:
During the affair, she claimed she was so stressed from "burnout" that she threw up at work, adding: "[AP's Name] noticed I was shaking."

Reframing the affair as a positive test: After being caught, she said: "You never know, this may have needed to happen for us to make us stronger."

Joking about polyamory: After I found out she jokingly told me, "My friend reckons I'm polyamorous," before adding, "No, I couldn't be."

Dismissing my pain: When I told her "You've blown my life up," she dismissed it by saying, "I know, but you're still young."

Hypocritical rules: When she wanted space before I found out, I jokingly asked if we should just open the relationship and date others. She coldly said, "You can, but I'm not gonna hang around"—while actively cheating behind my back.

Possessiveness after the breakup:
After the breakup, she told me that the thought of me moving on or dating someone else "makes her stomach flip," but added that she "can't stop me if that's what I want."

I feel sick reading over all of this. Am I crazy, or is this textbook manipulation and psychological abuse? How do I stop gaslighting myself into thinking any of this was my fault?

Thanks in advance to anyone reading, really appreciate any words of support/validation! ❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a 25F coworker (who was also in a long-term relationship). I (35F) only found out on March 31st because I accidentally stumbled across her ChatGPT prompts, where she wrote about "falling for each other" and being "caught up in the affair."

For three months before I found out (from late January), she completely pulled away—no kissing, sleeping on the sofa, leaving to stay at her parents' house during the week, and isolating me from friends and family. She claimed she was just "severely burnt out," making me feel like I was insane for picking up on her distance. During this exact same period, I was going through a cancer scare, and she didn't come to a single appointment with me.

Now that it's over, I've started gaslighting myself and wondering if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. I put together a list of every specific thing she said and did before and after I caught her.
Could use some perspective, words of wisdom, or validation that this was deeply manipulative. There were no warning signs, I did not see this coming and everyone who knew or met her is deeply shocked and can’t believe she was capable of this level of dishonesty and betrayal, me included! Hence why I think I’ve started gaslighting myself that surely she couldn’t done this / been that bad?

Here is the list:
Stalking my flat and leading me on:
After I found out and was staying with her parents, she showed up unannounced on the week of my mom’s death anniversary to leave a letter asking to talk later. Shortly after, she let herself into my flat without permission to get clothes. She told me she loved me and said if I’m single in the future when she reaches out, maybe we can try again.

Covering up lies in real-time:
On that same day, she claimed she was meeting a friend. I pointed out that the friend was abroad according to Instagram stories. She claimed the friend had just returned today. Shortly after, I was blocked from that friend's IG stories—she clearly had her friend (who is also a cheater) block me to hide the lie.

Physical phone hiding & gaslighting:
Once after dinner, I walked behind her to wash dishes and saw her turn her body completely around to hide her phone screen. When I asked if she was hiding her phone, she denied it and said, "No, I was just moving around," before shifting back.

Coldness on Valentine’s Day:
She gave me a red rose every year, but this year she just gave me a card claiming she "couldn't find roses." The card said she was sorry she couldn't be there for me, called me her "rock/pillar," and said I was the best part of her life. The day after, the AP tried to FaceTime her via her laptop. When I mentioned it, she dismissed it as "just about work." I had made a full itinerary valentine’s day invite and sent it to her work email, and she just said she felt guilty because she didn't have the "capacity" to do anything due to burn out—yet she had full capacity to text/call the AP.

Faking an "identity crisis" while active in the affair: She repeatedly claimed she was having an "identity crisis," needed time alone to reflect on the relationship, and needed to process "how I had hurt her." She told me she wouldn't make a "rash decision," leaving me waiting in limbo feeling like a terrible partner while she was actually using that "alone time" to call and meet up with AP.

Bizarre "look I'm innocent" posturing:
I walked into the bedroom once while she was blatantly texting. When I sat down, she opened her hands and displayed her phone home screen to me in an unnaturally forced way, as if to say, "Look, I'm innocent."

Using her family to hold me hostage:
She stalled ending things by saying, "My family loves you and said they'd stay in touch with you if we broke up—that’s not a small thing for me." She forced me to sit on the sidelines waiting for her decision. When her parents and I went to her place, she was cold, gave me a brief hug, and rushed out to meet a friend. When I said I thought she was the love of my life, she smirked and said, "You can't say that right now." When I asked if her "burnout" was at a serious level using an inside joke, she acted smug and shy. I even sent a self-care journal to her mum's house to support her, which she accepted while actively cheating.

Showering with her phone: She started locking/shutting the bathroom door when showering, staying in there much longer than usual, and always taking her phone inside with her.

Half-naked photos & deleting evidence:
After I found out, I discovered semi-naked photos of her in her deleted folder. When asked if she sent them to the AP, she denied it, claiming she was "just taking them of myself" and asking, "If I was sending them, why would they be in my deleted folder?" All their Instagram messages were deleted; her excuse was "because it's wrong and shouldn't be on my phone."

Blame-shifting through "self-worth":
After being caught, she claimed she cheated because her low self-worth made her feel "not good enough" for me.

Petty social media mirroring: Months after finding out, I deleted her from Instagram and removed our photos. Someone clearly told her, because she immediately deleted photos of us too to retaliate.

Offering "feedback" on my performance:
She asked to have a talk about what led to her cheating, saying, "I think some of the things you should probably be aware of because it's also how you were in the relationship." When I asked why she’d give me feedback after cheating, she claimed she thought it would "be good for me to hear" and said she "didn't feel seen," shifting her choice to cheat into a shared failure.

Weaponising low self-worth to silence me:
She begged me not to tell our mutual friends about the affair, claiming every person I told "chipped away at her self-worth even more."

Flaunting happiness while I was in agony:
The week I found out, she went on a weekend hiking trip with a friend, posted smiling photos at a bar on Instagram, and looked completely happy while I was at home crying and unable to eat. During that exact trip, she texted asking for my birth time so her friend could run a "love compatibility test" for us.

Triangulating with her dad: She told me her dad hoped we could work it out because he was fond of me. When I asked if she was suggesting we rebuild, she backtracked: "I wasn't trying to confuse you, I told you because that's what he said and you asked."
* Repeated breadcrumbing: She kept repeating the phrase: "I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again."

Coldness during errands and rewriting memories: Before I found out, she asked for help taking her car to the garage. She was icy and distant the whole day. When I said, "You're still my favorite person to drive me around" (a romantic callback to our early dates), she coldly replied, "Well that makes sense, cause I did teach you to drive." She then said she needed to "do everything she would if she was single" to "find herself," but rejected therapy, communication, or boundaries within the relationship. I even told her to pay me less toward house bills so she could afford the car repair; as soon as it was fixed, she rushed off to her friend's house.

Deflection, DARVO & using her mother's history: When I confronted her about sitting by a train station and not picking up my call, she claimed she was dropping off a friend. When I said it felt suspicious, she got defensive and snapped, "Do you want to say goodbye to her as well?!" She then turned off her location, claiming she "didn't like how the interaction made her feel." When I voiced suspicion about cheating, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity: "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!"

Non-committal letters: She wrote a handwritten letter saying I loved her like no one else, that I gave her "quiet strength," and that she hoped to gain my trust back. When pressed, she again claimed she didn't mean to imply we were getting back together.

Minimizing the AP: She claimed the affair wasn't about the AP specifically, saying it "could have been anyone" and that the AP just "highlighted something wrong within herself."

Cruelty surrounding my cancer scare & my mother's death: Before I found out, she made me feel like I had done something terrible, citing random old grievances like claiming I made hurtful comments about her mum (who had previously faked a near-death heart emergency two days after my own mother died of a heart condition). During her affair, I had a cancer scare. She said "we will get through it," but missed every appointment. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy alone while she went to work. When I called her out on this later, she said: "Yes, but I still cared about you."

Playing the victim and comparing her affair to suicide trauma: She claimed she "imploded her own life" and compared her shock at her own behavior to how she felt when her ex died by suicide. She called herself "unwell," started smoking, and cried to me: "I'm not like you, you're very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me."

Rewarding me for "catching myself": Before I found out, I felt so paranoid that I checked her laptop messages. Feeling guilty, I confessed to her. Instead of coming clean, she said it was fine and asked if I wanted to see the messages. When I said no, she said my snooping "opened a door" and warned that if I had insisted on seeing them, "that would have changed things," but praised me for "catching myself."

Ignoring AI advice to keep cheating:
Her ChatGPT history revealed the AI advised her to distance herself from both me and the AP to avoid hurting anyone. She explicitly typed back: "I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise."

Blatant sexual admission:
She admitted she thought about sleeping with the AP the first time they kissed, but claimed she "wouldn't/couldn't do that."

Dangling future hope without commitment: She stated she needed to be on her own to figure out "how she got here," adding that if she reached out in the future and I wanted to try again that would be ideal, but she couldn't commit to therapy or trying now.

False reassurances: Right before I found out, she explicitly said, "I can't imagine my life without you as my partner."

Using AP details to garner sympathy:
During the affair, she claimed she was so stressed from "burnout" that she threw up at work, adding: "[AP's Name] noticed I was shaking."

Reframing the affair as a positive test: After being caught, she said: "You never know, this may have needed to happen for us to make us stronger."

Joking about polyamory: After I found out she jokingly told me, "My friend reckons I'm polyamorous," before adding, "No, I couldn't be."

Dismissing my pain: When I told her "You've blown my life up," she dismissed it by saying, "I know, but you're still young."

Hypocritical rules: When she wanted space before I found out, I jokingly asked if we should just open the relationship and date others. She coldly said, "You can, but I'm not gonna hang around"—while actively cheating behind my back.

Possessiveness after the breakup:
After the breakup, she told me that the thought of me moving on or dating someone else "makes her stomach flip," but added that she "can't stop me if that's what I want."

I feel sick reading over all of this. Am I crazy, or is this textbook manipulation and psychological abuse? How do I stop gaslighting myself into thinking any of this was my fault?

Thanks in advance to anyone reading, really appreciate any words of support/validation! ❤️

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a 25F coworker (who was also in a long-term relationship). I (35F) only found out on March 31st because I accidentally stumbled across her ChatGPT prompts, where she wrote about "falling for each other" and being "caught up in the affair."

For three months before I found out (from late January), she completely pulled away—no kissing, sleeping on the sofa, leaving to stay at her parents' house during the week, and isolating me from friends and family. She claimed she was just "severely burnt out," making me feel like I was insane for picking up on her distance. During this exact same period, I was going through a cancer scare, and she didn't come to a single appointment with me.

Now that it's over, I've started gaslighting myself and wondering if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. I put together a list of every specific thing she said and did before and after I caught her.
Could use some perspective, words of wisdom, or validation that this was deeply manipulative. There were no warning signs, I did not see this coming and everyone who knew or met her is deeply shocked and can’t believe she was capable of this level of dishonesty and betrayal, me included! Hence why I think I’ve started gaslighting myself that surely she couldn’t done this / been that bad?

Here is the list:
Stalking my flat and leading me on:
After I found out and was staying with her parents, she showed up unannounced on the week of my mom’s death anniversary to leave a letter asking to talk later. Shortly after, she let herself into my flat without permission to get clothes. She told me she loved me and said if I’m single in the future when she reaches out, maybe we can try again.

Covering up lies in real-time:
On that same day, she claimed she was meeting a friend. I pointed out that the friend was abroad according to Instagram stories. She claimed the friend had just returned today. Shortly after, I was blocked from that friend's IG stories—she clearly had her friend (who is also a cheater) block me to hide the lie.

Physical phone hiding & gaslighting:
Once after dinner, I walked behind her to wash dishes and saw her turn her body completely around to hide her phone screen. When I asked if she was hiding her phone, she denied it and said, "No, I was just moving around," before shifting back.

Coldness on Valentine’s Day:
She gave me a red rose every year, but this year she just gave me a card claiming she "couldn't find roses." The card said she was sorry she couldn't be there for me, called me her "rock/pillar," and said I was the best part of her life. The day after, the AP tried to FaceTime her via her laptop. When I mentioned it, she dismissed it as "just about work." I had made a full itinerary valentine’s day invite and sent it to her work email, and she just said she felt guilty because she didn't have the "capacity" to do anything due to burn out—yet she had full capacity to text/call the AP.

Faking an "identity crisis" while active in the affair: She repeatedly claimed she was having an "identity crisis," needed time alone to reflect on the relationship, and needed to process "how I had hurt her." She told me she wouldn't make a "rash decision," leaving me waiting in limbo feeling like a terrible partner while she was actually using that "alone time" to call and meet up with AP.

Bizarre "look I'm innocent" posturing:
I walked into the bedroom once while she was blatantly texting. When I sat down, she opened her hands and displayed her phone home screen to me in an unnaturally forced way, as if to say, "Look, I'm innocent."

Using her family to hold me hostage:
She stalled ending things by saying, "My family loves you and said they'd stay in touch with you if we broke up—that’s not a small thing for me." She forced me to sit on the sidelines waiting for her decision. When her parents and I went to her place, she was cold, gave me a brief hug, and rushed out to meet a friend. When I said I thought she was the love of my life, she smirked and said, "You can't say that right now." When I asked if her "burnout" was at a serious level using an inside joke, she acted smug and shy. I even sent a self-care journal to her mum's house to support her, which she accepted while actively cheating.

Showering with her phone: She started locking/shutting the bathroom door when showering, staying in there much longer than usual, and always taking her phone inside with her.

Half-naked photos & deleting evidence:
After I found out, I discovered semi-naked photos of her in her deleted folder. When asked if she sent them to the AP, she denied it, claiming she was "just taking them of myself" and asking, "If I was sending them, why would they be in my deleted folder?" All their Instagram messages were deleted; her excuse was "because it's wrong and shouldn't be on my phone."

Blame-shifting through "self-worth":
After being caught, she claimed she cheated because her low self-worth made her feel "not good enough" for me.

Petty social media mirroring: Months after finding out, I deleted her from Instagram and removed our photos. Someone clearly told her, because she immediately deleted photos of us too to retaliate.

Offering "feedback" on my performance:
She asked to have a talk about what led to her cheating, saying, "I think some of the things you should probably be aware of because it's also how you were in the relationship." When I asked why she’d give me feedback after cheating, she claimed she thought it would "be good for me to hear" and said she "didn't feel seen," shifting her choice to cheat into a shared failure.

Weaponising low self-worth to silence me:
She begged me not to tell our mutual friends about the affair, claiming every person I told "chipped away at her self-worth even more."

Flaunting happiness while I was in agony:
The week I found out, she went on a weekend hiking trip with a friend, posted smiling photos at a bar on Instagram, and looked completely happy while I was at home crying and unable to eat. During that exact trip, she texted asking for my birth time so her friend could run a "love compatibility test" for us.

Triangulating with her dad: She told me her dad hoped we could work it out because he was fond of me. When I asked if she was suggesting we rebuild, she backtracked: "I wasn't trying to confuse you, I told you because that's what he said and you asked."
* Repeated breadcrumbing: She kept repeating the phrase: "I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again."

Coldness during errands and rewriting memories: Before I found out, she asked for help taking her car to the garage. She was icy and distant the whole day. When I said, "You're still my favorite person to drive me around" (a romantic callback to our early dates), she coldly replied, "Well that makes sense, cause I did teach you to drive." She then said she needed to "do everything she would if she was single" to "find herself," but rejected therapy, communication, or boundaries within the relationship. I even told her to pay me less toward house bills so she could afford the car repair; as soon as it was fixed, she rushed off to her friend's house.

Deflection, DARVO & using her mother's history: When I confronted her about sitting by a train station and not picking up my call, she claimed she was dropping off a friend. When I said it felt suspicious, she got defensive and snapped, "Do you want to say goodbye to her as well?!" She then turned off her location, claiming she "didn't like how the interaction made her feel." When I voiced suspicion about cheating, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity: "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!"

Non-committal letters: She wrote a handwritten letter saying I loved her like no one else, that I gave her "quiet strength," and that she hoped to gain my trust back. When pressed, she again claimed she didn't mean to imply we were getting back together.

Minimizing the AP: She claimed the affair wasn't about the AP specifically, saying it "could have been anyone" and that the AP just "highlighted something wrong within herself."

Cruelty surrounding my cancer scare & my mother's death: Before I found out, she made me feel like I had done something terrible, citing random old grievances like claiming I made hurtful comments about her mum (who had previously faked a near-death heart emergency two days after my own mother died of a heart condition). During her affair, I had a cancer scare. She said "we will get through it," but missed every appointment. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy alone while she went to work. When I called her out on this later, she said: "Yes, but I still cared about you."

Playing the victim and comparing her affair to suicide trauma: She claimed she "imploded her own life" and compared her shock at her own behavior to how she felt when her ex died by suicide. She called herself "unwell," started smoking, and cried to me: "I'm not like you, you're very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me."

Rewarding me for "catching myself": Before I found out, I felt so paranoid that I checked her laptop messages. Feeling guilty, I confessed to her. Instead of coming clean, she said it was fine and asked if I wanted to see the messages. When I said no, she said my snooping "opened a door" and warned that if I had insisted on seeing them, "that would have changed things," but praised me for "catching myself."

Ignoring AI advice to keep cheating:
Her ChatGPT history revealed the AI advised her to distance herself from both me and the AP to avoid hurting anyone. She explicitly typed back: "I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise."

Blatant sexual admission:
She admitted she thought about sleeping with the AP the first time they kissed, but claimed she "wouldn't/couldn't do that."

Dangling future hope without commitment: She stated she needed to be on her own to figure out "how she got here," adding that if she reached out in the future and I wanted to try again that would be ideal, but she couldn't commit to therapy or trying now.

False reassurances: Right before I found out, she explicitly said, "I can't imagine my life without you as my partner."

Using AP details to garner sympathy:
During the affair, she claimed she was so stressed from "burnout" that she threw up at work, adding: "[AP's Name] noticed I was shaking."

Reframing the affair as a positive test: After being caught, she said: "You never know, this may have needed to happen for us to make us stronger."

Joking about polyamory: After I found out she jokingly told me, "My friend reckons I'm polyamorous," before adding, "No, I couldn't be."

Dismissing my pain: When I told her "You've blown my life up," she dismissed it by saying, "I know, but you're still young."

Hypocritical rules: When she wanted space before I found out, I jokingly asked if we should just open the relationship and date others. She coldly said, "You can, but I'm not gonna hang around"—while actively cheating behind my back.

Possessiveness after the breakup:
After the breakup, she told me that the thought of me moving on or dating someone else "makes her stomach flip," but added that she "can't stop me if that's what I want."

I feel sick reading over all of this. Am I crazy, or is this textbook manipulation and psychological abuse? How do I stop gaslighting myself into thinking any of this was my fault?

Thanks in advance to anyone reading, really appreciate any words of support/validation! ❤️

Hey all,

I am in the process of not speaking to my ex anymore, and wanting for her to be taking off the tenancy agreement of our flat so I can just block her.

However, tonight Im feeling quite triggered, it’s so silly but I was under her car break down cover policy and we shared an app. Tonight I checked it and she has removed my car, hers is still there and she has added a new car.

My brain has gone straight to, it’s probably the AP’s and she is helping her pay for her breakdown cover. My body reacted by shaking and I feel very anxious and triggered by this. I have now deleted it and created my own account.

Could anyone please offer some words of guidance / reassurance for tonight. I know it will eventually pass, this is just so hard.

Thank you SO much everyone.

This is the back story, for some context…

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

Hey all,

I am in the process of not speaking to my ex anymore, and wanting for her to be taking off the tenancy agreement of our flat so I can just block her.

However, tonight Im feeling quite triggered, it’s so silly but I was under her car break down cover policy and we shared an app. Tonight I checked it and she has removed my car, hers is still there and she has added a new car.

My brain has gone straight to, it’s probably the AP’s and she is helping her pay for her breakdown cover. My body reacted by shaking and I feel very anxious and triggered by this. I have now deleted it and created my own account.

Could anyone please offer some words of guidance / reassurance for tonight. I know it will eventually pass, this is just so hard.

Thank you SO much everyone.

This is the back story, for some context…

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.