r/ToxicFamilyMembers

My mom lived alone in an apartment with her cat, and couldn't do much on her own because of medical issues. I drove 45 minutes every other day to go to her apt, take out her garbage, pick up her apt and even went to the grocery store for during Covid because she was scared to leave the house. I made sure her medication was organized and that she was taking it. After a while, it got so bad that her landlord said she couldn't live there anymore. Me and my daughter helped her move out. She moved in with me. While she was living with me, I took her to all her doctors appointments, and there were multiple because she had different doctors for her specific medical issues. Many of her appointments were 45 minutes away due to the specialists she had to see. I took her to every appointment. I took her to the store, to the farmers market, everywhere she wanted to go. I paid the huge cable bill so she could watch her shows, I took her to the store and made sure she was buying only what she was allowed to eat as she had dietary restrictions. I even took time off work 3 different times so she could get specialized treatment, made sure she took her meds. I did this for almost 5 years. My sister lives only 10 minutes away from me and never offered to help and never bothered to help. I had a planned vacation that I couldn't get my money back and my mom was really sick. My sister wouldn't come over to take care of her and wouldn't let her stay at her house for a week. I had to call my daughter who lives an hour away and she had to call into work. she ended up sending my mom to the hospital. While I was on vacation overseas, I was on the phone every day with the doctors getting updates on my mom. My sister never talked to them once. When my mom ended up in the hospital, I was there every day even after working the night shift. My sister never showed up once until my mom was on her death bed. My sister NEVER took her to a doctors appointment, she never took her to the grocery store, never took her anywhere. My sister barely spoke to my mom because my sister was mad that we showed up late to my niece's wedding a few years earlier. My niece never had an issue with it, but my sister did. After my mom ended up in the hospital, my sister never showed up to visit and only showed up after my mom had been put on life support. My sister didn't come to the hospital when my mom was having surgery to get a pace maker put in, she never showed up at all. She did nothing for her. It was all me and my daughter who is a nurse. After my mom died in the hospital, my sister decided that SHE was in charge and made all the plans for my mom's memorial service. Since my mom donated her body to science, there was no funeral. The ONLY thing my sister did was contact the place to pick up my mom's body from the hospital. My sister (along with my daughter) made all the plans for the memorial service. My daughter was the beneficiary on my mom's bank account because she was her power of attorney. I was fine with that because my daughter is a nurse and handled most of her medical issues by talking to the doctor's because she understands medical terminology. But I was the one who took care of her, paid all the bills and took her everywhere. My sister decided that she deserved some of my mom's money and talked my daughter into giving it to her, while I got NOTHING. My sister even refused to give me a copy of my mom's death certificate and when I asked she said "you can get one from the courthouse for $20." She has never offered to help me go through my mom's things. I was the one who made all the phone calls to her social security, her pension place, the doctors, her Life Alert and all the places that needed to be contacted. My sister didn't pick up the phone once. I asked my daughter to let me know when she was planning the memorial service and she told me my sister had already taken care of it. I wasn't even informed about the memorial service until a few days before it took place. I haven't spoken to my sister since. I still haven't gotten a copy of my mom's death certificate because I don't feel like I should spend $20 when she can give me a copy for free. I ever take care of my mom's cat. I buy his food, pay for his vet bills and my sister acted she was the one who did everything for my mom, when she did absolutely nothing. After my daughter got my mom's money out of the bank, she paid for all the medical bills and other bills my mom had, there was money left over and I didn't get one penny of it. My daughter got her share and my sister get what was left. We never found a will, but she told my mom that I would get some money when she died because I did everything for her. But I got nothing because my selfish sister thought she was entitled to everything.

I am 21f. I'm really really done with my family. I'm very disappointed. When I was very young 13 yrs old I found out that my father was cheating on my mother. I cried that day alot and I didn't know what to do. I saw his WhatsApp chats ( more like sexting) with my school mate's mother. I was very broken and confronted my mother but she never believed me and thought this all was not a very big deal and all. This has been for years like I was in 6th and passed 12th. And then one day my mother saw my father with our house maid. At that time she was completely broken and started yk raising ques and fighting alot of drama happened. Her blood pressure and diabetes were quite high at that period, she was not able to sleep, and she continuously kept talking about that all literally everytime. Even when she is alone or with someone. She didn't share this to any other than our family. When I saw my mother in this state I felt very pity and started hating my father which was obvious. He was very inconsistent with us throughout our lives. And when that all happened rather than maintaining distance from she started trying to get close to him. And my father is abusing and treating her like an animal. I hated this all so much and tried my best to realise her worth and yk maintain distance. She can't leave him or get divorce because she don't have any financial back up and we were quite young. I'm an elder sister here. I have younger brother and sister. Somehow things got back to normal as time passed. So now a few days back I randomly went to his shop without telling him. And I saw that a lady and him on the first floor of our shop which is used as a godown. I was very furious I started shouting and whatever I could do at that moment. Whatever happened at that just made me hate him more. And I told my mother everything at that very moment. I begged her to maintain distance with him because he has been multiple females and I am so done with this all. But after that day she is back to normal with him. And doing everything for him. Making him lemonade so that he'll have it when he comes from the shop in the evening. And yk this morning I saw their bedroom was locked ( they keep it locked in one case only). And I felt so betrayed of course I don't know what's going on between them but I am so so done with this all. This is all affecting my studies, my mind, my sleep and everything. I don't know what to do in this situation. I can't share this all with anyone around. I share with my siblings but they are young and dumb 😭 they feel hurt but idk yaar I don't feel okay after sharing with them. What should I do now :(

Me and my mom have overall smooth relationship because when she hurts me i am upset for maybe a few hours or a day then i completely forgive her. I had being doing this for a long time because it was never that deep. However a few years ago i wanted to commit (due to bullying and insane amount of unfairness in my house hold) and i didnt tell my family for a year but once i healed or ig moved on from that mindset and just learn to live with it . I told my perents about the bullying part only, i didnt tell them the part where they contrubuted in this because ik they would feel bad and i was worried about being a burden. The year passes by my relative comes over from another country (the relatives and my perents had problems before but they sorted it out) , my mom and her sat in the living room and i was there playing games with headphones on. My audio stoped and i heard my mom talking about struggles for smt that happened with my sibling and how she copped with it. I was listening and thinking about how greatful i was that i had stoped wanting to commit because at that time i wouldnt had been able to help my mom.

She then tells my relative that due to her being so upset due to my siblings situation the whole house was so upset to the point where i wanted to commit. I just stop right there and then and im frozen and thinking "what the hell did she just tell that relative" then she talks about how she talked through to me and helped me get out lf that state. i am so upset and angry because at that point of my life i was doing better, and when i was struggling i had no one to go to i had went to my mom multiple times and told her to go to the school and complain she always told me that i need to handle my own problems and i should be independent i told her i tired but i cant anymore but she still didnt help me.

Once the relative left and after a week i went to her and asked her why she would say such an important moment of my life and lie about it to make her the centre , she looks at the lundry she was doing and ignores me i start crying and i ask her agian she looks up at me angerly and shouts and angry "im so sorry" then rolls her eyes and leaves. i just stand there and im lost in words after that i knew i cant go to her. which i never did but after 2 years i finally started trusting her again and gave her a second chance i started opeing about my school and friends life not mine.

i had this amzing friend who helped me through everything and she had some things going on in her own life which i didnt know how to help so i went to my mom and asked her for advice to help her. she gave me advice and then i used it to make our friendship stronger

Recently we went out and my mom and another relative(not the same one) and my sibling went with me too but they didnt sit with us. i had a wonderful time and on the way home my dad yelled at me for a minor thing i got a bit upset but moved on. Now the the thing is i hadnt eaten anything since the morning only a small snack. so i was tired and had a sour face i asked my mom if she orderd food and she did so i thought ok ill wait it out some more along the time my dad came and i greeted him but with a blank face. I ate and huged my dad and got ready to sleep. My sister thdn asks my mom quitely if she(my mom) had told me about how she told my relative about how she told my friends struggles to her.

i was horrifed because the relative has a problem of gossiping and if she godsiped this to my other friends mom who would tell me friend ,who doesnt know my amazing friends problem. my amaizng frined would know i told someone and our friendship would be over and she would spiral in a dark place. I am angrey but i control my voice and ask my mom why sould she do that and she didnt have the right to tell my relative that and that i dont trust her

she looks at me with anger and areagence and the look of how dare she say that to me

she then lectured me on how im a horrible duaghter and i was disrespectful to my dad when he came home (the greeting thing) she then tells me that the relative wont say anything which is not even comfired if she will or not. She then yells at me to get out of her fsce and cry somewhere else. i go silent and i go in my room and i cry silently she then yells at me more about how my dad does so much for me and then says if i dont clean my "act" up she will make my life hell. i then get up and tell her i didnt show my dad attidude and this isnt the first time he yelled at me and i moved on from that i was hingry she then yells at me that i could have eaten something i then tell her. Thst she told me food was on the way so why would i eat smt else. she goes and leaves the room.

I cry for so long then my siblings were getting worried so i get up and leave to the bathroom and i cryed and sh (ik its haram but i have no choice as i was thinking about doing something way worse ) i cried for another hour and came in the room and i made a promise to myself ill never open to her and never teust her and i will only give the respect but i broke off our connection that day. for the next 2 days i didnt talk to her like in the sence i didnt joke with her or talk to her unnecessarily only when she asked me smt i would give her an answer.

Then i decided that she is my perent, she has done many things for me so i will forgive her in the sence ill not be so cold but i still stand on my promise i havent told her anything about my life till now

Guys i am making a promise by allahs name that i respect my perents a lot anything they ask i do it. i try to get good grades and be on my best behavoiur but they think just becusse they buy me things i should be greatful because they are super generous and they get me anything i want in one sentence. They always forget my input on this generosity.

I really dont know what to do because i am really hurt and i had reached out to my islamic tescher about this and she told me this is a test from allah which is the main reason why i am so resilent to this matter. But now i am being less caring, meaning in the sence that i dont do tiny acts of kindness to her and i feel more agitated towards her which i didnt before.

i need realistic and islamic advice and advice on how to act with her, because in two years i move out and if this goes on, ik once i move out ill never fix it and there will forever be a barrier between me and my perents.

Me and my sister are not alike. We probably wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t related, but you love your family at the end of the day.
She was doing drugs around my 4 year old niece. Sending inappropriate photos of her. All signs pointed to neglect of that poor little girl. If it was my children I would have wanted someone to do the sameas what I did, yet I’m seen in my family as the bad guy for getting higher powers involved.
Inside I know I did the right thing but feel awful now all my family see me as the one who did wrong. AMA

I’m requesting all of you to read all of this and be brutally honest about it.
I’m a 20-year-old female living in a joint family. My uncle and aunt have aggressively hated me and my brother our entire lives. They have two children—the eldest daughter is 22 and is currently studying abroad.
My brother and I have always been the brightest kids in the family. My brother is the brightest of all, and they always hated that. But after he got into 7–8 public universities, they had nothing left to say.
Fast forward to me—I was a medical admission candidate. I couldn’t get into a public medical college on my first attempt, so I decided to become a second-time applicant (which turned out to be the worst decision). I still couldn’t get into a public medical college. I’m currently studying at a reputable private medical college.
Now here’s where the real tragedy begins.
My parents are very naive and knew nothing about medical college admissions because I’m going to be the first doctor in our family. They thought my marks were extremely poor and that I wouldn’t even get into a private medical college. Without telling me, they requested my uncle to call higher authorities to help with my admission.
When I found out, I immediately told my uncle not to do it because I knew he, his wife, and his children would taunt me for the rest of my life over it. I knew I would get into my first-choice college anyway. But he still made the call because my parents requested him to.
After that, my uncle, his wife, and their children started taunting both me and my parents. When our families went to perform Hajj together, they made my parents feel as low as possible. My father cried every single day during Hajj but never said anything because he genuinely believed his brother had done him a favor.
I’ve been staying in my medical college hostel for the past two weeks, and I recently found out that students who scored 4 marks less than me also got admitted to this college.
Even after all this, their taunting never stopped.
My uncle has always compared me to his daughter, constantly saying how she’s better than me.
The truth is, she moved to Dhaka for HSC and still missed GPA-5 because she missed A+ in three subjects. While in Dhaka, she got into a relationship with one boy. Later, after joining NSU, she liked another boy and ended her three-year relationship without any real reason to date someone who was two years younger than her. Her ex completely crashed out and created a scene in front of their house, after which my uncle filed a General Diary (GD) against him.
Then she convinced her parents to cancel her admission at NSU after studying there for two years and went abroad so she could live with her current boyfriend.
She ranked 4,111 in the IUT admission test, yet she told everyone she got into IUT even though they admitted only around 1,200 students. She ranked 515 in Jahangirnagar University, where there were only 55 seats for female students, yet she told everyone she got in there too. She also got a low-ranked subject in Dhaka University but told everyone that she got into DU, JU, and IUT and simply didn’t study there because she didn’t get her preferred subject.
That’s exactly what both my uncle and aunt tell everyone.
At the same time, they constantly try to prove to my parents that even after spending two years preparing for medical admissions, I still couldn’t get into a public medical college. They say I’m not even a good student. They tell everyone that I didn’t get into private medical college on my own and that I only got admitted because they made a phone call. They keep saying, “Who knows whether she would have gotten in with those marks? It was only because of our help.” They also say that my parents failed to raise their children properly and that some random boy manipulated me into choosing to study at a private medical college.
My aunt has never been able to tolerate either me or my parents. Even during Hajj, despite being at fault herself, she somehow made my mother apologize to her.
Whenever I think about all these things, I feel such unbearable mental pain that I don’t know how to cope anymore.
Please tell me honestly—what should I do?

Need advice po. Ano po gagawin ko sa parents ko na pangit ng dynamics nila dalawa. My father is a jealous man with anger issue tapos nangbubuso pa sa mga renters. My mum keeps on telling him to stop pero addict talaga. Until na karma, I lived at my sister’s house before, now I am out na at balik sa parent’s ko. My brother in law nangbuso sakin, minanyak ako and hinipuan. It was a mess to the point na I wasn’t safe anymore. Sinabi ko na sa parents ko and pumunta sila para sunduin ako. Pinagalitan, iyak, galit, at disappointed and lahat dahil sa the trust was broken. Now, I know this is karma, nadamay pa kami anak. Sira na relationship ko sa sister ko, obviously, pipiliin nya maniac nyang husband na walang respect sakin. So, now andito ako sa part nang ugat, my father is a poor man with anger jealousy maniac issue, I love my father pero I can’t deal with him. I am single and may work online. Currently, nakatira kami sa relative namin na may sariling bahay. Pinatira kami dito. Now, should I talk to my father about his behavior? My mum wanted to leave him pero yun mahirap pa nga kami. Naka depend si mama sakin kase 2 sisters ko are married. What should I do?

Hey guys here’s a little excerpt from my mom and I’s text’s.
It’s getting more difficult to stay in contact .

I Could use a secondary take .

Note that She has bpd and bi polar disorder.

Texts are translated from French (Montréal) to English

This text exchange starts after I sent my mom 131$ but it went to the wrong account.

Mom:
Push me into the ravine so you’ll finally have some peace.
You:
Well, let’s look at this objectively.
I spoke with you on Friday, sent you the money on Saturday, and now it’s Sunday. In a short amount of time, I’ve received a flood of messages.
I care about you, but when there are this many messages, the important things get lost.
I need fewer messages so I can focus on what really matters.
When you said I don’t understand your needs, that hurt me because I’m genuinely trying to help. And when you say things like, “Push me into a ravine so you’ll have peace,” it really shakes me.
I only want what’s best for you—I don’t want to hurt you. I’m here for you, but we need to keep our communication calm and clear, without destructive statements.
Mom:
I called my bank because my account isn’t closed and there wasn’t any problem. It would take less time if we just talked on the phone about these things.
What I wrote to Melinda wasn’t meant to be hurtful. Those were my regrets. It wasn’t sarcastic either.
And the ravine…
It was just a figure of speech.
I was also very proud of the video montage.
You:
I’m going to be honest with you: your words really hurt me, and I can’t just move on without an apology.
I’ve explained several times that it hurts when you imply I don’t care about you.
Or when you say:
“You don’t understand my needs.”
Or things like:
“Why don’t you push me off a cliff so you’ll finally have peace?”
I don’t know if you realize how much those kinds of comments hurt me, but they really do.
I’m sincerely trying my best, but no matter what I do, I feel like it will never be enough to reassure you that I’m not abandoning you and that I don’t want to lose you from my life.
Right now, though, I don’t feel like talking on the phone or receiving a huge number of texts. Thank you for understanding.
Mom:
As soon as you go to Arizona, you’ll forget all about this.
I was going to go get my passport.
You:
This has nothing to do with Arizona.
I open my heart and take the time to explain how certain words hurt me, and instead of acknowledging that or apologizing, I still end up feeling like I’m being made to feel guilty.
That’s exactly the kind of thing I’ve been trying to explain from the beginning that hurts me.
Mom:
You are the most important person in the world to me.
Yes, I apologize with all my heart.
If I hadn’t said it before, it’s because I thought that after telling you so many times, you wouldn’t believe me anymore.
I never wanted to make you feel guilty.
It hurts me so much, Gabriel…
Losing my son…
I never imagined I would do this to you.
I AM A TOXIC MOTHER. Don’t stay there!
I promise I won’t hurt you anymore.
When you’re told over and over, “You’re just an accident,” well… at 68 years old, you still feel like an accident.

Mom:
I’m not going to write anymore after this…
Yes, you know about bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
Please, just read this anyway.
(She sends screenshots explaining Borderline Personality Disorder, highlighting fears of abandonment, emotional instability, impulsivity, rigid thinking, etc.)

You:
I read the resources you sent, and I understand that they describe common traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.
They talk about sudden mood swings, rigid behavior, frequent emotional changes, and difficulty regulating emotions, including impulsive or risky actions.
But I really need you to understand that when you say things like:
“Push me into the ravine so you’ll finally have peace,”
or
“When Grandma died, you said ‘Phew,’”
implying that when you die I’ll feel relieved…
Regardless of the illness, those words truly hurt me. They’re painful.
I’ve taken time to think about everything, but I wanted you to understand how deeply those comments affected me. In the future, I’d like you to stop making those kinds of statements.
And when you tell me that I “don’t deserve a mother like you,” that’s also very destructive.
When you put yourself down like that, it makes me feel guilty, and I don’t need that.
And you’re not going to “lose your son.”
This is simply a conversation that needs to happen right now.
I know you love me more than anything in the world, and I know you’re proud of me. I love you too, and I’m not going anywhere.
But ultimately, I’m having this conversation because I’d like you to accept more responsibility for your actions and your words, despite having Borderline Personality Disorder, and to respect my boundaries.
I’ve already told you how I feel about excessive texting.
And when I say I don’t feel like talking on the phone, but you continue calling me anyway, I feel that’s a significant lack of respect for my boundaries.
That said, I don’t want to keep discussing this anymore. Thank you for understanding.

Mom:
I received the money you sent me, and thank you.
I went for a walk, and it did me good.
I still haven’t read your text.
I don’t know what to expect.
I’ll read it tomorrow, I promise.
Thank you again.
Later…
May I say one last thing, gently and with some common sense?
You’ve mentioned several times that what I say or do makes you feel guilty.
A man once told me:
“I am responsible for what I say—not for how you interpret it.”
That’s actually very wise.
I understand all the pain I’ve caused you, and I’m truly sorry.
Even with the best intentions, my illness often takes over. It makes me incredibly unhappy because it isn’t me who’s in control—it’s my illness.
I can’t simply decide, “This time I’ll control myself.”
It’s the illness.
Yes, I apologize a thousand times.
Good intentions alone aren’t enough.
Gabriel, I don’t deny that you feel guilty.
But no mother wants her child to feel guilty.
And you say I’ve shown a lack of respect for your boundaries…
That’s your perception, Gabriel.
I can’t imagine not respecting my own son.

I received the money you sent me, and thank you.
I went for a walk, and it really helped.
I still haven’t read your text.
I don’t know what to expect.
I’ll read it tomorrow, I promise.
Thanks again.
Later that day:
May I have the right to say one final thing, gently and with a little common sense?
You’ve said several times that what I say or do makes you feel guilty.
A man once told me:
“I am responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.”
That’s actually quite wise.
I understand all the pain I’ve caused you, and I’m deeply sorry.
Even when I have the best intentions, the illness often takes over. It makes me incredibly unhappy because it isn’t me leading—it’s my illness.
I can’t simply decide, “This time I’m going to control myself.”
That’s the illness.
Yes, I apologize a thousand times.
Good intentions alone aren’t enough.
Gabriel, I don’t deny that you feel guilty, but no mother wants her child to feel guilty.
And you say I don’t respect your boundaries…
That’s your perception, Gabriel.
I cannot fail to respect my own son.

You:
I understand that you’re suffering, and I also understand that your illness takes up a lot of space in your life.
But I also need you to understand that even if your intention isn’t to make me feel guilty, the effect is still very real for me.
When I talk about my boundaries, it’s simply to explain what I need in order to feel emotionally safe.
On my side, I also need my feelings to be acknowledged instead of being reduced to “just my perception.”
But I can see that you’re trying, and I appreciate that very much.
I love you. ❤️ Have a good day.

About a week later, after not hearing from her:
You:
I’ve tried reaching you several times, but it seems like your phone isn’t working?
A few days later:
I’m thinking about you.
I’m here if you want to talk whenever you’re ready.
I love you. ❤️
Then, after about two weeks of silence:
Mom, I’ve been thinking about you and I’m sending you lots of love.
I’m still here whenever you feel like talking.
Until then, I’ll give you your space, but please take good care of yourself.

Mom (after nearly a month):
I understand your exhaustion and discouragement.
I had a bipolar mother too, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
But asking me to make an effort despite Borderline Personality Disorder…
I have no control over it.
If I had, we wouldn’t be where we are today.
It’s like asking someone with no arms to make an effort to swim.
I’ll leave you alone.

Mom:
I understand your exhaustion and discouragement.
I had a bipolar mother too, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
But asking me to make an effort despite having Borderline Personality Disorder…
I have no control over it.
If I did, we wouldn’t be where we are today.
You know, it’s like asking someone with no arms to make an effort to swim.
I’ll leave you in peace.

You:
I understand that you feel like you don’t have control over certain things. I’m not trying to argue with you about that.
But I do need to tell you that I didn’t appreciate being ignored for a month.
I would have preferred if you’d simply told me that you needed space instead of hearing nothing at all.
I just wanted to express my point of view and be honest that some things have been difficult for me.
At the same time, I’m tired of the comments where you imply I’d be better off if you weren’t here…
Like when you say that after Grandma died I supposedly said, “Phew…”
Or when you tell me I should push you off a cliff so I’ll finally have peace.
Those kinds of comments weigh on me enormously.
I’m not trying to convince you or make you feel guilty.
I just don’t want to carry that weight after our conversations.

Mom (the following evening):
I didn’t ignore you, Gabriel.
I was simply in too much pain.
Then another message:
And you, Gabriel…
Do you realize the way you speak to me?
From such a position of superiority.
You’re lucky you don’t have my psychiatric problems.
Here come the accusations again!
You wouldn’t speak to anyone else this way.
I’ve had enough.
I’m your mother.
I’m not under your orders.
You don’t accept my problems.
Fine.
I won’t let you do this anymore.
Go see a therapist—you have problems too.
Problems with arrogance and anger.
You’ve never spoken to me with this much anger.
You’re the one crossing my boundaries!
You won’t have to wait for me to kill myself.
That’s enough!
I would never kill myself—that would just give you the importance you seem to want.
Leave me alone.
I’m tired of being your emotional dumping ground.
The things you’ve said…
You need psychological help.
You’ve become mean and full of rage.
You’ve never been like this before.
And I won’t accept it anymore.
You’re incredibly arrogant.
Very sick.

My wife talks shit about my family to her sister but in front of me she speaks well and behave well with my family. I am not sure what is the issue here.
I found out by going through WhatsApp chat between my wife and her sister and from then onwards I secretly read their chat every week and every week I find something like this.
She doesn’t have any idea that I know what they talk about.
I don’t feel good at all. What to do here?

Hi all, so I was moving states and my sister had mentioned she would help, she never did. I had came back to my home state to pick up my furniture and my sister said she would come by and help. She never did. I had bought tickets for a concert in February for her birthday and I couldn't attend anymore (new job out of state, she still had tickets that I bought) and she said she would go take the train she missed the train and never made it (I was able to be refunded so thank God). She made plans on her own to come visit me. It was going to be her, her girlfriend and her girlfriend's child on July 4th, (which was already too many people for my one-bedroom apartment but whatever then she made it known to me she couldn't get someone to watch the dog. I knew then she wasn't coming but she called saying her friend may be watching the dog, I just went along with it, today the 3rd she texts me saying, the friend couldn't watch the dog, and she was going to try to come up next weekend her, her girlfriend, her girlfriends kid and the dogs and they would get a hotel, thats a family vacation not visiting your sister in her new place. She also mentioned that she was headed to wet n' wild as we spoke with the girlfriend and the girlfriend's kid. I responded with lets just pause making plans since they have not been going throught it feels pointless. enjoy your trip. Am I the asshole?

Basically, my dad started flipping out over the pans not being in the spot he wanted them to be in the kitchen cabinet. Instead of politely asking my mom to make sure that they end up in the right spot, he started screaming and cussing at her, who was in the middle of making him breakfast. He said that he didn’t want us (me and my sister, maybe her boyfriend) using them anymore, and that he didn’t want her to make him breakfast. He then, out of nowhere, threatened to break my sister’s new computer that was given to her by her boyfriend, presumably because it was on the kitchen counter, and he always pulls the “it’s in the way” card. Thankfully he didn’t break it. I was in the bathroom getting ready for work, and when it got quiet, I went over to the basement door to finish my laundry, since I could get there quickly. As I was walking downstairs, he said to me “I need you guys to put things back where they go”. I ignored him, cuz I felt like whatever I said would either set him off more, or set me off. He then said “You hear me?” And I had no choice but to respond “yeah, I heard you.” He began to get more aggressive, and out of my view I heard him slam something, which was either the pans or the breakfast. I then heard him say “yeah, clean that up”. This is not the first time he’s done this by the way, and although they’re long stories, he has physically attacked my mom and even my little sister before. I don’t feel safe in this house, and nor does anyone else, even if they refuse to admit it. I’m tired and I feel out of options, because I don’t know how my mom would react, considering that she’s let this slide so many times, and if I get kicked out, I’m not financially responsible enough to find a place to stay, or even live. I’m not ready to be by myself, but this has gone on for years, and I’m tired. What should I do?

I come from a family of 5. (Mom, Dad, 2 older sisters, and me).
My parents are both from China and Taiwan and they moved to Hawaii to live/raise us. So for some context, they got my older sister (1), then my second sister (2)(so that my older sister wouldn’t get “lonely”), and they didn’t actually plan for me. My mom originally wanted to abort me because she said at the time she was just too stressed with life (I am 2 yrs apart from 2 and 7 yrs apart from 1). However, in the end she still decided to have me.

Growing up, I always felt like I was the one that always had to “clean up” the fire. Whenever my mom fought with my dad, 1, 2, or anyone else, I would always end up getting yelled at too. It was always kinda my responsibility to make sure everyone got happy in the end. This was a lot of work for me. Always having to pretend to be happy in order to protect the peace in the family.

There is just a lot that happened that I now just can’t know how to put into words. I guess like the fact I feel like the only reason my parents had kids was to get “revenge” on our relatives. Before they had us my uncles/aunts would always ask them to babysit their kids or play with them, and my mom got fed up so she told my dad they should just have their own kids so my relatives will stop bothering them. Also, I feel bad for 1 (my oldest sister) because the way I see it, they solely got her so that they could get a greencard/visa to stay in the US (when she turns 21).

I am always constantly getting blamed. My mom blames me (including my sisters) for ruining her life, not letting her do her own thing, saying we are hopeless, etc. This was a lot for me and I even started having suicidal thoughts sometime during 4th-5th grade (9-10yrs old). I really did want to end it (I still want to).

Yes, my parents do care for me but I feel like now, it just doesn’t add up to the things they have caused for me. To me, I guess my parents' mindset is money = love, which means, if they provide us with the necessities that is all they should do and we should be grateful.

Like, there are some times when they are affectionate and I feel happy, but then if I say one wrong thing everything blows up and things get heated again. 

I guess my parents are just very narcissistic and enjoy forcing their problems onto their children. They act as if everything that went wrong is all because of us. I just don’t feel like talking anymore near them because if I open my mouth I just end up getting yelled at. 

Even if I try to set up a TINY boundary and express my feelings I just get dismissed, yelled at more, and my feelings just hurt more.

When I talk I get yelled at. When I don’t talk I still get yelled at. 

I’m just supposed to always act happy and be nice and do as they say.

I can’t wait for the day I can just walk away and live my own life, if I ever can.

Maybe I’m just being dramatic about this whole thing.

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

We live in Ontario, Canada.

My Girlfriend took out a $44,500 loan for a 2020 Jeep Grand Cherokee for her brother. She was coerced by her family, plain and simple. Her whole family’s credit is in the gutter, that’s why they couldn’t get approved for the loan. The brother has already wrecked 3 vehicles prior to this one, and for whatever reason they thought this was a good idea. They have no concept of financial literacy.

My gf works two minimum wage jobs, volunteers and just finished her bachelors degree. She is trying to build a life for herself. The payments are $350 bi-weekly and the daily interest is like $10. The loan is a 7 year plan and she has $33,000 left to go.

Here’s the kicker, her brother owes her $4000 off the books because she covered a bunch of these payments out of pocket. Now to boot, she just got a $9,400 407 bill, $7500 in tolls, $1600 in interest in the mail. He promised her he would not take the 407 and lied. He’s clearly taking it daily. He and my gf’s mom are delusional and think that an outstanding 407 balance does not negatively affect your credit score, it does if it goes to collections, it is common sense.

He’s 30 years old and started a car detailing business with his friends. He got into an accident and had to get surgery, he wasn’t at fault and is in the middle of getting a lump sum amount from insurance, but this has been the story since last year, I am convinced he is stringing her along as an anchor to continue to use her.

My gf is not the best at confrontation and advocating for herself. Even on the phone yesterday when confronting him with the 407 bill, he’s not taking it seriously, and started yelling and cussing at her when she questioned why he would do that.

Her parents make no money and live with her grandparents.

What are her options? What would you do? If this cycle continues it will negatively affect her credit score and is already causing severe stress.

She has a $30,000 school loan that she has to worry about herself, and has hopes of doing a masters program. If her credit score is rough, they will deny her student loan.

I believe there is a couple things:

-Take the car back and sell it, pay off whatever you get and just take this as a learning moment. Make a payment plan with the bank of the last outstanding and the 407. Don’t trust your brother again.

-Wait for this supposed insurance claim money to come in and hope for the best, continue to hope he doesn’t use the tolled highway and pays his loan on time.

-Her dad offered to take out a loan in his name (if he gets approved) to help.

-Sit down with family and come up with an actionable plan to pay this off, sell things, what are the points for the lawyer and updates with claim, can we transfer it into someone else’s name?

What do you guys think? Me and her are stressed

What makes a father a good father ?
Is it providing and giving anything what his Child and wife wants?
My father is a retired government servant and he is a complete douche. If anything doesn’t go his way he would just start yelling and cussing my mother even calling her a slut even though she is a housewife and doesn’t go out of the house.
If i could i would have even punched him in his face for saying stuff to my mom but i have to keep my calm somehow.
He doesn’t do shit in the house, My mom does all the chores and i help her a bit with everything, Since i go to work in the morning and come back in the evening.
According to him a father is only there to provide money for their family and not to be emotionally available or to even talk right to others in the family.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED MAN.

Main thing, I am an Indian, and Indian fathers are literal douchbags, Specially if you are coming from a middle class family.
My Father, He doesn’t drink or smoke or do any Nasha but yet he just yells at my mother for literally the simplest things that happen which i completely hate.

If anything in this world, I know i dont to be like my father ever and if i end up being like him, I would rather wish death upon myself.

So What Makes a father, a good father ?

I am/was in the market to buy my very first home. We ran my credit report and I didn’t look too deeply into it and started making payments on some things I owed to boost my credit.

However I took a closer look when I was validating everything was paid and noticed 5 transactions that had my name on them but I had no records or memories of owing this money.

I opened up an account for the LCC who owns the debt and found my Dads first and middle name, his address, and phone numbers. With all 5 accounts totaled up it is around 5k worth of debt.

Steps I’ve taken so far.

- Freeze credit on all three credit companies (Transunion, Equifax, and Experian)
- Put a fraud alert on all three as well.
-I’ve taken screenshots of all debts and balances alongside my dad’s personal information attached to these debts.
-I am filing a police report today and once done I will be filing a report online with FTC
- (Edit) I have also disputed all 5 transactions with the LCC and will be attaching the FTC and police report once done.

That’s all I’ve got so far and don’t really know what to do next and how to really handle this situation.

I contacted my brother and he is in the same boat. He currently owes almost 10k to different lenders because of my dad.

My dad has done this to me before when I was younger. When i turned 18 I discovered a 3k debt for DirectTV. An account that was open when I was 15. I was young and didn’t care about my credit so I just waited and let it fall off on its own.

I’m pushing 30 years old now. I don’t even live in the same state as him and he still did this to me.

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Throwaway for obvious reasons. I (F, adult) had a major fight with my mum and we’ve stopped talking. It’s not an ongoing daily thing, but this incident was bad enough that I need space.
During the argument she:
Spiritually cursed me (said she doesn’t wish well on my life / basically put a curse on me).
Agreed that she shouldn’t have had me (regretted having me).
Called me stupid.
Went heavy on the guilt trip: “After everything I’ve done for you…”
Insisted “I’m older, I’m your mum, you must respect me” while refusing to show me any respect as her daughter.
When I pointed out the double standard, she raised her voice, got angry, and said multiple times that she would kick me out of the house if I don’t follow her rules.
I’ve tried to have calm conversations about respect going both ways before, but it always ends with her getting defensive and escalating. This latest one crossed a line for me.

Looking for advice on whether stepping back / low contact makes sense here, especially while still living at home. Thanks.

location: California

I (F19) have been receiving Social Security benefits my entire life. Growing up, there was hardly any food in the house. My parents left me in dirty clothes, didn’t bathe me, or brush my teeth. I was neglected. The lack of dental care as a child led to me losing teeth at 15 years old.
Once I turned 18, I started receiving my Social Security benefits on a card with my name on it. Every month since then, my dad has taken me to the bank to withdraw the money in cash. As soon as we got back into the car, he would take all of it. I often asked if I could at least have half of it, or even just $50, but he always said no. I received about $800 a month.
None of this money has ever specifically gone toward me for clothes, oral care, bedding, or self-care products. To get those things for myself, I either had to donate plasma just to afford vitamins, body wash, and other basic necessities, or beg my parents for weeks. As soon as I turned 18, I started donating plasma on and off to make money. I don’t anymore because of my piercings.
My partner would buy me groceries when I needed them, purchase my hair and self-care products, and order me food when I had nothing.
Another important detail is that my dad has a gambling addiction. He has had one for as long as I can remember, and long before I was born. Whenever he loses money gambling, he tells us we all have to make “sacrifices.” My parents have been financially unstable for my entire life. There have been times when he took my Social Security money and gambled it away.
I have no access to any of “their” money in any way. Occasionally, they would buy me something from a thrift store or get me bedding after I had asked for months. Whenever I brought up that the Social Security money is my money, it always ended with my mom crying and calling me selfish, or my dad yelling until I was crying and didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
Not once since I turned 18 has my Social Security money been used specifically for me.
I want to take legal action when I move out, but I don’t know where to start. I’m scared of ruining my relationship with my parents or what’s left of it. What do I even do?

So my BIL recently asked my hubby if I 27f could babysit their 1yo son for 2 days.

My niece also needed to be looked after alongside this, as well as my own 2yo son. This niece has trauma issues that I am not wholly informed on.

But anyway, I agreed to babysit.

First day I gave my niece 12yo a new book right when I got there.

I took them to lunch, the playground, dropped the niece off and picked her up from her friend's house.

Offered to teach her to crochet, but she didn't have the supplies I gifted her.

Throughout the first day I noticed her lying about the things she was allowed to do. MIL has also noticed this behavior when babysitting.

The second day she made herself scarce in the morning with a neighbor across the street and then came back in the afternoon and played games quietly on her phone.

I was not asked to babysit again even though they are desperate for a babysitter, which I found strange.

My MIL has now called to warn me what my BIL said to her over the phone that my niece is claiming that:

1)I took the lord's name in vain (this is a religious side of the family)

2)She corrected me for taking the lord's name in vain

3. I yelled and screamed at her in front of the toddlers

4. I told her religious people are stupid, and God isn't real.

Obviously, none of this is true and I don't know what possessed her to make up this lie, but I am afraid that this is going to make for a miserable fourth of July gathering.

Neither BIL or SIL has talked to me, but since MIL mentioned they don't want me babysitting now, I think they're believing the lie.

My MIL also mentioned that both BIL and SIL have short fuses and not to get them worked up... which how do you not when you out a lying child...? But this is BIL's step-daughter. Who knows if she'll lie about him next?

I am beyond frustrated and want to address this and nip it in the bud, but I'm not sure how to even start. I have no interest in babysitting for them again, but this lying must be addressed. Advice?

Some needed context, I (17M) and my partner (17) are both queer and autistic. Their sister has always been a toxic cunt who was raised in a privlaged household and has a passive agressive tantrum (or just a normal tantrum) when things don't go her way. ​​She constantly belittles my partner and is overall just terrible to them. To be a little more specific, she is inconsiderate and straight up abelist to both me and my partner as well as transphobic.

To give an example of how spoiled she us despute only being a year older than my partnrr and having the same upbringing she straight up called me a gold digger because I can't get gifts for my partner. When my partner explained that because of my familys finnacial sutuation I have to pay a few bills and expensies while still being in school she said that I was making excuses. Similar things have bern stated by her toward me or my partner making us out to be terrible people for just existing ​​​​​usually involving transphobia or abelism. Im sick of it and want ways to passive agressively get back at her as apparently thats the only language she ubderstands.

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