living here is hell
my family is incredibly religious and they hold modesty above basically everything. i started wearing the hijab when i was five, which is insane when i actually think about it because i was literally five. i was a child and i was rushed into making a decision i was nowhere near old enough to understand, and whenever i tried to talk about taking it off later, i was hit and abused for even bringing it up, so eventually i just stopped saying anything. my mom didn’t even start wearing the hijab until she was in her late 30s, so sometimes i genuinely don’t understand how she can expect me to accept being practically forced into something she herself chose as an adult. my dad constantly goes on about how religious and amazing my mom is, but he doesn’t see how she actually treats me when nobody else is around. everything with her is about control, appearances and being praised. she can do no wrong, and neither can my older brother. he’s constantly praised for literally everything while i can do ten things right and they’ll still find the one thing i did wrong. if i’m upset, i’m dramatic. if i’m angry, i’m disrespectful. if i defend myself, i’m ungrateful. somehow every situation always ends up being about how i’ve hurt my mom, even when she’s the one who started it. and yk what’s sm more worse is how different she is around other people. everyone thinks she’s this sweet, religious, selfless mother because that’s exactly what she wants them to think, but at home it’s completely different bcuz there have been literal times i’ve been rushed to the hospital crying and barely holding myself together, and instead of asking if i was okay, they were worried about whether my hair was showing or whether my arms were covered properly. like genuinely, how is that what you’re worried about when your daughter is sitting there sobbing bro? everything is about how we look to other people. they care more about me looking like a good daughter than whether i’m actually okay. my mom talks constantly about how much she sacrifices for us and how much she loves her children, but somehow she never talks about the fear, the guilt, the constant criticism or the fact that i don’t feel like i’m allowed to make decisions about my own life. she wants the perfect daughter and not an actual daughter with her own opinions and feelings. and honestly, i’m just tired of being treated like i’m supposed to be grateful for everything just because they’re my parents bro