r/toxicparents

Im 29 and I e been in disability for years. My mother always put in my mind that since she was holder of my disability money that was never aloud to move out without her permission. I have many reasons why I ended up believing her, Ill make more post if anyone wants to know. Anyways it wasba very toxic place to live in and my fiancee ( boyfriend of the time) found out and told me basically when I went to visit him one day that i was not leaving and he wasn't bringing me back to that house hold. My mom found out and was trying to hunt me down, treated to bring a pew pew to his work and everything. Well I've been here a year and I after a couple months I was able to convince her to send me my money, she would send me 385 each month after fighter her and reminding her I needed my money. Turns out I was making 994 and she was using it for her bills her shopping sprees and restaurants. My sister found out and told her if she didn't give me my card she was calling the Police. I got my card and when I called to see how much money was on it it was only 12 cents.

TRIGGER WARNING: mention of SA

I don’t think I’ve ever posted here, always just been a silent participant. But I really need some support and listening ears because I am beside myself. My in laws have always been difficult, but this takes the cake. My husband’s father was abusive and an alcoholic throughout his childhood, and my husband has been in therapy for years healing from that trauma. About five years ago, he chose to go no contact with his father after years of incidents. His parents have a very toxic, on and off relationship. A couple of years ago, his mother accused his father of r*pe, which eventually led to a two year protective order being put in place for my husband, myself, and our children. My husband has always had one very clear boundary with his mother: DO NOT give his father updates about us or our children. Do not discuss us. Do not send pictures. Nothing. Well, I am not even SIX DAYS postpartum, and today his father showed up at our door asking to talk to my husband. My husband was furious. And then we found out why he was there. His mother had been sending PICTURES OF OUR CHILDREN TO HIM. Including my newborn baby. I feel so violated. I am absolutely furious and heartbroken. This isn’t just some petty family drama. There is a serious history here, and my husband made a very intentional decision to protect himself and our children by cutting contact. And now his own mother has completely disregarded that boundary behind his back. I’m six days postpartum, exhausted and trying to recover and enjoy my newborn, and instead I’m dealing with this. I honestly just need to know that I’m not overreacting. 😭

21 year old male here. I got my motorcycle license earlier this year, and I've been riding around fine with no close calls or accidents. For some dumb reason, my parents, who are completely fine letting me ride nearby, vehemently refuse to let me ride further than some arbitrary distance. If the place I'm going to is more than say 20km away, it's an immediate no. They think I'm gonna crash if I go 1 foot over 20km. I've had to lie about where I'm meeting my friends etc. just to be able to take the motorcycle out. It's not even about riding on highways, because if I use the highway but only go below 20km from the house, they're completely ok with it. I can't even ride to my university tonight because it's on the other side of town. How do I deal with this level of stupidity? I get they're trying to look out for my safety, but I'm already a safe rider and the distance isn't going to change how safe I ride.

I've never used Reddit and I don't know if this is the right sub Reddit to share it to.

This story is very long and it includes very heavy topics, please do not read it if you don't think you can handle it mentally or any other way

(TW: suicide/self harm)

The story is also just me talking, I don't have anyone to talk to about these things I don't want to worry them so excuse me for yapping about my problem, maybe someone else can relate.

I'm sorry if there's any spelling errors, English is not my first language and I'm a mess right now.

Some context for the story;

My love language is gift giving, it's not surprising when you grew up like me. I do like giving people handmade stuff or stuff catered carefully to them don't get me wrong but, from a young age I learned that love is transactional.

I'm sick, I don't know what kind of sick yet don't ask me doctors can't figure it out nonetheless they know enough to give me monthly paychecks without having to work (it was nice for a while, after that I just felt like a nuisance taking advantage of people)

I'm in my 20s, people asking about work is like a gut punch every time.

I'm stating this in case people tell me to move or get a job, I tried I'm sorry, I keep trying to find a solution.

Me and some other family members grew up in an abusive household, not really physically, but it was really scary for children.

I'm not going to reveal too many things about my life such as locations, how many family members I have, my exact age etc. because I really don't want this to get back to people who know me.

Onto the background to the story;

Whilst growing up some of my family members weren't that nice to me, I never understood why you would tell a 10 year old child nobody loves them or make sure to point out every single insecurity they had. Either way, I tried my best for them to love me. I catered to their every need, bring them drinks, food, spend quality time with them, ask them about their lives, try to involve myself with them, tried to impress them by liking the things they liked , give them massages, somehow it never worked no matter how hard I tried. That's when I learned that people get really happy when you give them expensive stuff, suddenly the people that would shut me out or pretend like I'm not part of their family around their friends would hug me with a big smile.

I guess catering to them for years is also how I become everyones caretaker at a young age, I'm the youngest out of everyone in my immediate family even so I'm also the one who was getting them ready for school, helped with things they needed and if they misbehaved I would reprimand them for my parents. This was not only including my siblings, my mom was dependent a lot on me. Whilst my siblings went and enjoyed their youth I stayed home to clean, take care of their animals and so on. I was also the one who was reprimanding my father when he did something wrong, he was an alcoholic and when mom used to get mad at him for blacking out after drinks or when they argued I'd be the one to tell him to fix it. He would do so the same day and mom got happy again after every time, as a 14ish year old child I didn't see anything wrong with that I just quietly accepted it because mom was happy. When he used to get drunk a lot of the time mom wouldn't like to be around him, he didn't do anything to my knowledge, he was passing out and woke up for work next morning, she used to come into my room ask if she could sleep in it from time to time because she couldn't take it anymore. I had a single bed so and as a child of course I wanted my mom to be comfortable so I slept on the floor, I remember my back hurt so bad next few days in school I cried.

My father was aggressive and everyone was scared of him, I was too, I still am to this day even when I remember him but, I loved my mom so much I would scream at him for all his wrong doings and for making her sad, even if he got physical with me sometimes, I don't think he did it to any other sibling and I hope he didn't, maybe it was because I was harder for him to control by screaming in my face?

Buying things for my mom was my favourite activity, anything she wanted she got from me. I didn't care if I had to give my entire money away in a day, I loved that she said she loved me afterwards. Up until some time ago I took away my card from her due to a friends advice (I didn't use my money unless it was on her or something I needed so she was free to use my card anyway she wanted) she got so disappointed when I brought it up, I felt a pit in my stomach form instantly.

Even before I was qualified for paychecks, I left higher education because she said we needed money. As I already stated I've been parentified to sorts but I was also a therapist, she not only would cry about her husband to me how (in her words) "stupid" and "problematic"the kids were "they never listen" but, she would cry about money problems. I remember trying my best to nurture her as a teen even if I didn't know how to because in my eyes I was never taught.

I did have my own difficulties to deal with at the same time, home life wasn't the best, neither was school life so I began cutting myself. More like stabbing, I was aware you could see cuts on arms and I didn't want to worry her so I began to stab into my legs.

It's not like I haven't tried to tell her, I tried so many times to speak to her about how I was parentified, how I was treated by my siblings or how I regret leaving all my friends and education behind to help out. Anytime I tried, without missing a beat, she'd start crying. I had to stop any tears I had and calm her down. I know she knows, she basically put me into a role of the parent she had a joke she liked to make "you're basically like the second parent of the house"

I remember one of the conversations where I tried my hardest to portray how I felt growing up being seen as a parent figure, expected to behave like an adult but also having to be ok with being treated as a child and how my siblings got much more attention than me when I was a toddler even though some of them being significantly older than me she said "I didn't think you'd need me much when you did everything by yourself, you were an easy child"

I couldn't really say anything after that because I had to calm her down. I think that's the point I stopped trying, that was last year.

I loved her through about 20 years of my life with everything happening, everything I felt like I gave her.

This is the real reason I'm writing this;

I've been struggling with my mental health for years, I developed depression and anxiety and probably lots more undiagnosed things. I decided to share with her that I have these mental illnesses, not my feelings nor anything else just that I had them. That was in the morning, later on in the day I got into an argument with my sibling, I can't even remember what about most likely something stupid. I was venting to my friend, going through puberty was a lot.

I was so upset I told my mom about it, I said that if it weren't for my friend I wouldn't know what to do (as in I'd probably be pissed off entire day or something like that, it didn't really mean much) she said "Jesus, then just go and kill yourself then" I was 16.

Maybe it didn't really mean much on her part either, what caught me up was the fact that she'd never said that before, not before the fact I told her I'm mentally unstable.

Another thing about my mother is that she loves to ignore her problems, if something around the house was broken or we had to buy something new I had to remind her every single day until she fixed it. She never says sorry, at least not to me I don't know about others. She usually ignores the issue until I start speaking to her again, it only takes me like a day to get over our arguments, maybe less and I was usually the one apologising, it's just that the next day even the next hour or so she starts speaking normally to me like nothing ever happened.

After what she told me I woke up to her face, she said we should go to the park. I don't remember our conversations much, but I know we didn't mention what happened the day prior at all because I was waiting for her to mention it. I guess we had a silent agreement to get over it, that's usually what we had. Silent agreements, she didn't have to apologise for anything and if she just ignored it it'll go back to normal, I'll go back to normal.

And I would've forgiven her, if it was only one time.

The second time wasn't even as bad, I remember complaining that I had to take care of my siblings as she was going on her annual vacation, of course I was expected to up keep the house and make sure nothing happens. I was just passively complaining one time not even to her, why couldn't I complain? I was being irrational and saying stuff like "I don't want to take care of them for a full week by myself?? Why am I expected to do all of it?? Oh my god I'm already dreading it" she said, more like screamed in a low voice "Then go and jump out of a fucking window or something" something along those lines. That was the second time my mother told me to harm myself. It wasn't really as bad as the first one, maybe she meant it as a joke, but to teen me it was just further confirmation that she didn't really love me.

Before she said those things, I've already had suicidal thoughts. But after getting my first job and getting bullied by co-workers at 17ish, with everything that happened and knowing my mom told me to do it before.

I put on my favourite song at the time and tried to go to sleep after I swallowed a pack full of pills, before I could turn 18 that same month.

On the car ride to the hospital, I told her about some stuff and why I decided to do it. I didn't mention I only went through with it because I thought she'd be ok with it because someone else was in the car with us. Of course she was full of tears the whole night. Some people that worked with youths mental health had to question me in case I needed to go to a mental hospital, she was hysteric about that, I don't know why "they're going to lock you in a fucking mental hospital, mental hospital like a crazy person" after they stopped questioning me she came back into the room and all of us talked. I remember I had to stop tearing up immediately to comfort her as she started crying on my hospital bed, somehow I got really annoyed by that, I shouldn't be annoyed at my mother for crying that I wanted to end my life, I still was. After we were done with questioning, I don't know how much time passed, in my hospital room, whilst I was on my hospital bed for trying to take my own life she said "I'll tell someone to call you off work today, but you'll have to go in tomorrow" honestly maybe that's when I thought my relationship with her was done for, I didn't know until typing it out just now but my heart hurts a little. I thought maybe she'd console me more? Why did I have to console her? Thinking about it now makes me a little sad.

I guess I should've seen it coming, when I got broken up with via text on my birthday I went to her to try maybe get a hug or idk something, she asked "Why the fuck are you crying?" She then proceeded only NOT to console me but, she shared about my breakup to other family members. I know that she did because she dragged me away from crying in my room and made me sit on video calls with family as they told me happy birthday and that they were sad I got broken up with, and I only now realised that instead of consoling her child through their first ever breakup she was downstairs gossiping with family about it.

Years later when our childhood pet died, after we came back from putting my best friend down I broke down on the floor she asked "why are you still crying?". It was hard watching her being there for my siblings more than she ever was for me.

It was kind of dream like, going back to work the day after I tried to kill myself. I was disoriented, I didn't know what was happening, I had to pretend to be happy and ok when I clearly wasn't.

Even after I tried to take my life she made some sort of joke a few days later, I don't remember it, it's blurry to tell you the truth and it may not even be as I remember it but she said "-yeah and then you're going to try to kill yourself again" in a jokey way. I laughed it off at the time but I remember disassociating through the rest of that conversation so that I don't cry, I just remembered being disappointed at this point.

You've heard my side of the story, hers is probably majorly different. I don't want to resent her, I've always wanted the mom my siblings had, the mom that my friends coming to my house had. I was always jealous of her being nicer to my friends.

As I layed in my bed, trying to take my last breath all I thought about was her telling me to kill myself. Maybe I'm over exaggerating the story, teens are difficult to deal with. I'm sad to announce I don't think I'll ever forgive her even though I want to love her the way I loved her for years, I'm tired, I'm exhausted to tell you the truth.

Some part of me wants the answer to be no, that I'm just blowing things out of propositions. I don't think I can take even another week living with her, I'm having so much pent up emotions. I've never told anyone she said that to me, I tried once but it was brushed over, everyone loves my mom I don't want to ruin her for them at least not as long as we're under the same roof, to tell you the truth I don't feel safe enough to do that.

Thank you for reading my story and scrambled up thoughts. If anyone has went through something similar or had another 'bad' parent please feel free to share.

I'm genuinely asking you, is this something worth going no contact over if I ever move out? Or should I try again

TLDR; mom told me to kill myself years ago.