u/CharlAlice

I (28F) have always had a difficult relationship with my mum. I love her, and I don’t think she’s a terrible person or that she’s never done anything for me. She has helped me a lot practically over the years, particularly since I had my daughter, and I know there have also been times where I’ve been snappy, ungrateful or said things about her when I’ve been angry. I’m not claiming I’ve handled everything perfectly.
The problem is that I feel like there has been a pattern throughout our relationship where my feelings are either dismissed or interpreted as an attack on her.
My dad became seriously ill with bowel cancer earlier this year and died in May at only 58. I was extremely close to him and his illness and death have absolutely devastated me.
My relationship with my mum has deteriorated massively since then.
I tried to tell her that I’d been struggling for months and that although I appreciated the practical things she had done, I didn’t feel emotionally supported by her. I wasn’t trying to say she was a bad mum; I was trying to explain how I felt.
Her response was essentially that I hadn’t supported her either, that I make everything about myself, and that she had supported me because she’d suggested I get therapy. She also criticised how often I visited Dad in hospital, which really hurt because I was working, looking after my toddler and helping him in other ways throughout his illness.
Eventually she said she “couldn’t do this” and ended the conversation.
There have been other incidents too. She cancelled plans with me on my birthday without what I felt was a genuine apology. She found out that I had spoken negatively about her to other people and became extremely focused on what I had said about her and who I had said it to. Some of those things were said when I was angry and I accept that I shouldn’t have said everything I did, but they were largely me talking about my experiences and how her behaviour made me feel rather than deliberately inventing things about her.
At one point she decided that communication between us should only happen by email, which made the relationship feel incredibly formal and distant.
Recently I sent her a voice message because I was genuinely sad about where our relationship had ended up. I tried to explain that I love her, appreciate things she has done for me and accept that I have hurt her too, but that I desperately wanted her to acknowledge that she has also hurt me and that the problems between us aren’t entirely one-sided.
Instead, she focused again on things I had supposedly said about her and accused me of lying about her. She wanted to know who else I had “lied about her to.”
That was the point where I felt like something in me just gave up. I told her that if protecting what other people think about her matters more than trying to understand why her daughter feels this way, I don’t know what else I can do.
The other complication is my daughter, who is nearly 2.
My mum loves her and used to look after her regularly. Contact has become much less consistent since my dad became ill and died, and there have been occasions where plans involving my daughter have been cancelled. My mum has now said she would like to start looking after her every Friday again.
This is where I’m really conflicted.
I don’t want to use my daughter as a weapon or punish my mum by withholding her granddaughter because our relationship is bad. If they have a loving relationship, I don’t want to unnecessarily take that away from either of them.
But equally, I’m struggling with the idea that my mum could potentially want no meaningful relationship with me while still expecting to have my 2-year-old every week.
At her age, having an unsupervised relationship with my daughter inevitably requires a relationship with me too. We need to communicate about childcare, routines, illnesses, arrangements, boundaries etc. I also worry about inconsistency and my daughter eventually becoming old enough to understand if Grandma repeatedly cancels or disappears when there is conflict.
Another fear I have is whether our difficult relationship could eventually bleed into her relationship with my daughter — for example, negative things being said about me or my daughter becoming caught in the middle of adult conflict.
I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being reasonable anymore because there is so much history and emotion involved.
I don’t need my mum to agree with my version of every event. I don’t even need her to take all the blame. What I want is for her to be able to say something along the lines of: “I know I’ve hurt you too. I’m sorry for my part in this. I love you and I want us to work on our relationship.”
I’ve acknowledged that I’ve hurt her. I just don’t feel she is capable of acknowledging that she has hurt me.
Would I be wrong to step away from the relationship at this point?
And separately, would I be wrong to stop the regular Friday childcare arrangement while our relationship is like this, even if I don’t necessarily stop my mum seeing my daughter altogether?
I’m genuinely interested in hearing if people think I’m being unfair, because I know you’re only hearing my perspective and I don’t want an echo chamber.

I (28F) have always had a difficult relationship with my mum. I love her, and I don’t think she’s a terrible person or that she’s never done anything for me. She has helped me a lot practically over the years, particularly since I had my daughter, and I know there have also been times where I’ve been snappy, ungrateful or said things about her when I’ve been angry. I’m not claiming I’ve handled everything perfectly.
The problem is that I feel like there has been a pattern throughout our relationship where my feelings are either dismissed or interpreted as an attack on her.
My dad became seriously ill with bowel cancer earlier this year and died in May at only 58. I was extremely close to him and his illness and death have absolutely devastated me.
My relationship with my mum has deteriorated massively since then.
I tried to tell her that I’d been struggling for months and that although I appreciated the practical things she had done, I didn’t feel emotionally supported by her. I wasn’t trying to say she was a bad mum; I was trying to explain how I felt.
Her response was essentially that I hadn’t supported her either, that I make everything about myself, and that she had supported me because she’d suggested I get therapy. She also criticised how often I visited Dad in hospital, which really hurt because I was working, looking after my toddler and helping him in other ways throughout his illness.
Eventually she said she “couldn’t do this” and ended the conversation.
There have been other incidents too. She cancelled plans with me on my birthday without what I felt was a genuine apology. She found out that I had spoken negatively about her to other people and became extremely focused on what I had said about her and who I had said it to. Some of those things were said when I was angry and I accept that I shouldn’t have said everything I did, but they were largely me talking about my experiences and how her behaviour made me feel rather than deliberately inventing things about her.
At one point she decided that communication between us should only happen by email, which made the relationship feel incredibly formal and distant.
Recently I sent her a voice message because I was genuinely sad about where our relationship had ended up. I tried to explain that I love her, appreciate things she has done for me and accept that I have hurt her too, but that I desperately wanted her to acknowledge that she has also hurt me and that the problems between us aren’t entirely one-sided.
Instead, she focused again on things I had supposedly said about her and accused me of lying about her. She wanted to know who else I had “lied about her to.”
That was the point where I felt like something in me just gave up. I told her that if protecting what other people think about her matters more than trying to understand why her daughter feels this way, I don’t know what else I can do.
The other complication is my daughter, who is nearly 2.
My mum loves her and used to look after her regularly. Contact has become much less consistent since my dad became ill and died, and there have been occasions where plans involving my daughter have been cancelled. My mum has now said she would like to start looking after her every Friday again.
This is where I’m really conflicted.
I don’t want to use my daughter as a weapon or punish my mum by withholding her granddaughter because our relationship is bad. If they have a loving relationship, I don’t want to unnecessarily take that away from either of them.
But equally, I’m struggling with the idea that my mum could potentially want no meaningful relationship with me while still expecting to have my 2-year-old every week.
At her age, having an unsupervised relationship with my daughter inevitably requires a relationship with me too. We need to communicate about childcare, routines, illnesses, arrangements, boundaries etc. I also worry about inconsistency and my daughter eventually becoming old enough to understand if Grandma repeatedly cancels or disappears when there is conflict.
Another fear I have is whether our difficult relationship could eventually bleed into her relationship with my daughter — for example, negative things being said about me or my daughter becoming caught in the middle of adult conflict.
I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being reasonable anymore because there is so much history and emotion involved.
I don’t need my mum to agree with my version of every event. I don’t even need her to take all the blame. What I want is for her to be able to say something along the lines of: “I know I’ve hurt you too. I’m sorry for my part in this. I love you and I want us to work on our relationship.”
I’ve acknowledged that I’ve hurt her. I just don’t feel she is capable of acknowledging that she has hurt me.
Would I be wrong to step away from the relationship at this point?
And separately, would I be wrong to stop the regular Friday childcare arrangement while our relationship is like this, even if I don’t necessarily stop my mum seeing my daughter altogether?
I’m genuinely interested in hearing if people think I’m being unfair, because I know you’re only hearing my perspective and I don’t want an echo chamber.

I (28F) have always had a difficult relationship with my mum. I love her, and I don’t think she’s a terrible person or that she’s never done anything for me. She has helped me a lot practically over the years, particularly since I had my daughter, and I know there have also been times where I’ve been snappy, ungrateful or said things about her when I’ve been angry. I’m not claiming I’ve handled everything perfectly.
The problem is that I feel like there has been a pattern throughout our relationship where my feelings are either dismissed or interpreted as an attack on her.
My dad became seriously ill with bowel cancer earlier this year and died in May at only 58. I was extremely close to him and his illness and death have absolutely devastated me.
My relationship with my mum has deteriorated massively since then.
I tried to tell her that I’d been struggling for months and that although I appreciated the practical things she had done, I didn’t feel emotionally supported by her. I wasn’t trying to say she was a bad mum; I was trying to explain how I felt.
Her response was essentially that I hadn’t supported her either, that I make everything about myself, and that she had supported me because she’d suggested I get therapy. She also criticised how often I visited Dad in hospital, which really hurt because I was working, looking after my toddler and helping him in other ways throughout his illness.
Eventually she said she “couldn’t do this” and ended the conversation.
There have been other incidents too. She cancelled plans with me on my birthday without what I felt was a genuine apology. She found out that I had spoken negatively about her to other people and became extremely focused on what I had said about her and who I had said it to. Some of those things were said when I was angry and I accept that I shouldn’t have said everything I did, but they were largely me talking about my experiences and how her behaviour made me feel rather than deliberately inventing things about her.
At one point she decided that communication between us should only happen by email, which made the relationship feel incredibly formal and distant.
Recently I sent her a voice message because I was genuinely sad about where our relationship had ended up. I tried to explain that I love her, appreciate things she has done for me and accept that I have hurt her too, but that I desperately wanted her to acknowledge that she has also hurt me and that the problems between us aren’t entirely one-sided.
Instead, she focused again on things I had supposedly said about her and accused me of lying about her. She wanted to know who else I had “lied about her to.”
That was the point where I felt like something in me just gave up. I told her that if protecting what other people think about her matters more than trying to understand why her daughter feels this way, I don’t know what else I can do.
The other complication is my daughter, who is nearly 2.
My mum loves her and used to look after her regularly. Contact has become much less consistent since my dad became ill and died, and there have been occasions where plans involving my daughter have been cancelled. My mum has now said she would like to start looking after her every Friday again.
This is where I’m really conflicted.
I don’t want to use my daughter as a weapon or punish my mum by withholding her granddaughter because our relationship is bad. If they have a loving relationship, I don’t want to unnecessarily take that away from either of them.
But equally, I’m struggling with the idea that my mum could potentially want no meaningful relationship with me while still expecting to have my 2-year-old every week.
At her age, having an unsupervised relationship with my daughter inevitably requires a relationship with me too. We need to communicate about childcare, routines, illnesses, arrangements, boundaries etc. I also worry about inconsistency and my daughter eventually becoming old enough to understand if Grandma repeatedly cancels or disappears when there is conflict.
Another fear I have is whether our difficult relationship could eventually bleed into her relationship with my daughter — for example, negative things being said about me or my daughter becoming caught in the middle of adult conflict.
I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being reasonable anymore because there is so much history and emotion involved.
I don’t need my mum to agree with my version of every event. I don’t even need her to take all the blame. What I want is for her to be able to say something along the lines of: “I know I’ve hurt you too. I’m sorry for my part in this. I love you and I want us to work on our relationship.”
I’ve acknowledged that I’ve hurt her. I just don’t feel she is capable of acknowledging that she has hurt me.
Would I be wrong to step away from the relationship at this point?
And separately, would I be wrong to stop the regular Friday childcare arrangement while our relationship is like this, even if I don’t necessarily stop my mum seeing my daughter altogether?
I’m genuinely interested in hearing if people think I’m being unfair, because I know you’re only hearing my perspective and I don’t want an echo chamber.

I (28F) have always had a difficult relationship with my mum. I love her, and I don’t think she’s a terrible person or that she’s never done anything for me. She has helped me a lot practically over the years, particularly since I had my daughter, and I know there have also been times where I’ve been snappy, ungrateful or said things about her when I’ve been angry. I’m not claiming I’ve handled everything perfectly.
The problem is that I feel like there has been a pattern throughout our relationship where my feelings are either dismissed or interpreted as an attack on her.
My dad became seriously ill with bowel cancer earlier this year and died in May at only 58. I was extremely close to him and his illness and death have absolutely devastated me.
My relationship with my mum has deteriorated massively since then.
I tried to tell her that I’d been struggling for months and that although I appreciated the practical things she had done, I didn’t feel emotionally supported by her. I wasn’t trying to say she was a bad mum; I was trying to explain how I felt.
Her response was essentially that I hadn’t supported her either, that I make everything about myself, and that she had supported me because she’d suggested I get therapy. She also criticised how often I visited Dad in hospital, which really hurt because I was working, looking after my toddler and helping him in other ways throughout his illness.
Eventually she said she “couldn’t do this” and ended the conversation.
There have been other incidents too. She cancelled plans with me on my birthday without what I felt was a genuine apology. She found out that I had spoken negatively about her to other people and became extremely focused on what I had said about her and who I had said it to. Some of those things were said when I was angry and I accept that I shouldn’t have said everything I did, but they were largely me talking about my experiences and how her behaviour made me feel rather than deliberately inventing things about her.
At one point she decided that communication between us should only happen by email, which made the relationship feel incredibly formal and distant.
Recently I sent her a voice message because I was genuinely sad about where our relationship had ended up. I tried to explain that I love her, appreciate things she has done for me and accept that I have hurt her too, but that I desperately wanted her to acknowledge that she has also hurt me and that the problems between us aren’t entirely one-sided.
Instead, she focused again on things I had supposedly said about her and accused me of lying about her. She wanted to know who else I had “lied about her to.”
That was the point where I felt like something in me just gave up. I told her that if protecting what other people think about her matters more than trying to understand why her daughter feels this way, I don’t know what else I can do.
The other complication is my daughter, who is nearly 2.
My mum loves her and used to look after her regularly. Contact has become much less consistent since my dad became ill and died, and there have been occasions where plans involving my daughter have been cancelled. My mum has now said she would like to start looking after her every Friday again.
This is where I’m really conflicted.
I don’t want to use my daughter as a weapon or punish my mum by withholding her granddaughter because our relationship is bad. If they have a loving relationship, I don’t want to unnecessarily take that away from either of them.
But equally, I’m struggling with the idea that my mum could potentially want no meaningful relationship with me while still expecting to have my 2-year-old every week.
At her age, having an unsupervised relationship with my daughter inevitably requires a relationship with me too. We need to communicate about childcare, routines, illnesses, arrangements, boundaries etc. I also worry about inconsistency and my daughter eventually becoming old enough to understand if Grandma repeatedly cancels or disappears when there is conflict.
Another fear I have is whether our difficult relationship could eventually bleed into her relationship with my daughter — for example, negative things being said about me or my daughter becoming caught in the middle of adult conflict.
I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being reasonable anymore because there is so much history and emotion involved.
I don’t need my mum to agree with my version of every event. I don’t even need her to take all the blame. What I want is for her to be able to say something along the lines of: “I know I’ve hurt you too. I’m sorry for my part in this. I love you and I want us to work on our relationship.”
I’ve acknowledged that I’ve hurt her. I just don’t feel she is capable of acknowledging that she has hurt me.
Would I be wrong to step away from the relationship at this point?
And separately, would I be wrong to stop the regular Friday childcare arrangement while our relationship is like this, even if I don’t necessarily stop my mum seeing my daughter altogether?
I’m genuinely interested in hearing if people think I’m being unfair, because I know you’re only hearing my perspective and I don’t want an echo chamber.

I’m not sure if this is the correct sub so if it isn’t, my apologies.

My dad passed away at the end of may, rather suddenly. Had been in hospital a week, received a cancer diagnosis and died within the week.

When I got home from the hospital the day he had passed, I noticed the night light at the top of the stairs was lit brightly. This nightlight is wireless and requires charging with a usb. It had been on the floor, drained of battery for over a year. I asked my husband if he had charged it and put it back on the wall, he said no. I did not charge it and put it on the wall. Now every night, the night light turns on, sometimes it flashes, sometimes it’s brightly lit sometimes dimly. It’s been over a month since my dad passed away and the night light continues to be on. It was off last night but when I got up this morning it was brightly lit again.

How do you explain this? Am I just being ridiculous connecting dots that aren’t there? I just honestly can’t fathom how it is charged and on the wall. Any thoughts?