I know this is Reddit and you all don’t know me. I’m calling on my brothers and sisters in Christ to lift me up in prayer. Today was very tough, and I’m so tired of dealing with continued lies and schemes. Tired. Thank you in advance.
I have no diagnosis for him. only the broken life I have left after 20 years of trying to be enough to be worthy of his love.
He came on quick and hard. He loved me like no other.
3 years in we were having our 1st
4 years in he wanted a house even though we couldn’t afford it.
5 years in I felt a shift in our relationship. He was distant, never wanted to be home when I was, started caring about his looks, and started working out/buying new clothes. Stayed out till 4am
I was so suspicious but he told me he would never pursue someone behind my back and make me look like a fool.
things got better for a little while
I had our second
I got sick w/cancer and needed total hysterectomy at 27.
Once again, I felt distance but he was at home more than the 1st time. He just stopped most emotional connection, stopped kissing me, only wanted sex 1x a month and work became his new wife.
I’ve always felt like I was chasing his love and approval. I never felt enough except for the first few years. It's like someone or something always came before me and the kids. And I felt like he acted different when he was away from me.
Dday was 10 months ago. He had been watching corn for 10 years and had cheated 14 years ago. He was so remorseful and went to work doing everything I asked. Counseling, church, stopped corn, was more present. He admitted that he had lied to me, gaslit me and manipulated me for years and that he had loved his self and put his self before me and the kids but he would work to change.
I noticed over holidays he still didn't buy me gifts and he still doesn't kiss me but I thought that’ll come later.
Then about 4 months into reconciliation he says I can't do this it's too hard and jus quits everything. He even quit his job. I try to help him, I beg him to get help but he doesn't. He told me all kinds of crazy stuff, like he felt a smirk when he saw me crying over him and how he resented me at Church because I was good and he was evil.
He has just laid there for months until we are close to running out of our savings and then one day he gets up and starts acting like everything is normal again. Watches sports, runs to the store for snacks, wants to help cook supper and laughs and talks but He hasn't returned to work and he won't talk about what's happened.
Our kids became sus and Eves dropped on us trying to find out what's going on. My teen demanded to talk but his dad kept blowing him off. Any time I bring it up he immediately says something about my tone or that I'm attacking him or I need to quit looking back and look forward. Or he’ll tell me he has religious ocd and that's his excuse for why he had to stop church and everything else.
I told him it feels like rug sweeping when he acts normal, when things clearly aren't and that we need to face it and really repair. He said “what do you want? Me to mope around the house all day miserable?” I said no but we need counseling or something and he said “ what do you expect counseling everyday? What's that going to do?”
We are at a point we are going to start losing stuff and he still won't get up and work. I asked him so you want me to leave cause it feels like your doing everything you can to make me. He doesn't answer. Or he’ll say I want to be with you.
I told him “I'm done” last night and all of the sudden he's following me around the house saying “man, I've messed up, all I can say is I'm sorry and I'll have a job by next week, I'll put in applications tomorrow” (which he didn't) He also said he's so full of shame and has no self esteem and looking at me and the kids is like looking in the mirror and it hurts him. I said “so your just going to make the problem worse by abandoning us instead of facing it with me and trying to work through it?”
I'm so tired and confused. My body shakes and I'm sick. How can a man do this to his wife and children of 20 years? Not only cheat but lie for 14 years and then it's exposed and he lays down and basically abandons us. I can't believe how blind I've been and how I've tried to see things from his point of view to understand and justify his behavior. It sucks so bad and I can feel him pull me back in as I try to detach. My kids tell me I'm too nice and he's manipulating me. I've spent the last few months researching narcissistic traits and he checks most if not all. I'm wondering if he's had a collapse and he's discarding us because he can't face life feeling shame around us even though I offered forgiveness and to work through it.
There's so much more but my brain is mush and when I try to tell people what's happening I go blank and what I do get out sounds ridiculous and they look at me like I'm crazy.
I've loved him and relied on him for 20 years. I'm mad but heartbroken at the same time. I've got to figure out how to get a job and provide for my kids b/c I don't know what he’ll do next. I don't know what to do I have no work history for the past 13 years and Have been home with the kids.
A few nights ago my 18 year old daughter shared "Dad! I totally get how you must have felt, mom was criticizing me last night for my bad energy"! "I didn't let her go there with me"!
Admittedly, I giggled, but because I didn't want to dishonor her mom, I changed the subject.
Anyways, it made me wonder how many other narc abuse survivors also felt like their energy was constantly under surveillance? Even if you were in a good mood or just tired and had no energy at all?
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Article- 6 Strategies of a Cheating Narcissist
Are narcissists more likely to be unfaithful or have predictable responses?
Source- Psychology Today
Author- Kaytee Gillis, LCSW
Posted July 5, 2023
Reviewed by Ray Parker
Clarissa sat in my office, head in her hands.
"Why didn't I see the signs?" She said aloud into her palms. She had just ended a relationship after discovering her husband had been cheating on her for the last three years of their marriage.
"He was always so jealous of everyone I talked to and everywhere I went," she continued. "When it was his behavior I should have been concerned with the whole time. I should have known that his possessiveness and constant accusations were actually him telling on himself."
When she caught him coming home late one night, hours after he should have been home, something told her to check his car. She found a small black cardigan, two sizes too small for her.
But he tried to convince her that it was her cardigan. "Like I would forget purchasing a small, skintight sweater," she exclaimed at his obvious attempts to gaslight her. When the gaslighting didn't work, he switched on the manufactured charm in an attempt to win her back. He begged for forgiveness as she stood there in shock.
His final attempt was to blame her for his actions.
"What did you expect, Clarissa? You barely have time for me with your job at the bank," he said.
His behavior was appalling, yet predictable. Like others, Clarissa noticed distinct patterns when she confronted her ex about his infidelity. So distinct, in fact, that the behavior can be seen as an almost playbook of sorts; a manual that they follow when caught doing something bad.
Many who have been cheated on by someone with narcissistic traits often wonder if narcissists are more likely to be unfaithful: To this, I say yes and no. All people are capable of cheating, whether they have elements of a personality disorder or not, but because one of the major elements of narcissism is a lack of compassion and empathy, this makes them less likely to feel remorse or guilt following the behavior.
To help illustrate this process, here are six patterns of unspoken "rules" of narcissistic cheating, which I often see in my practice of working with survivors of traumatic and narcissistic relationships:
Do as they say, not as they do. Those with elements of a personality disorder, such as narcissism, often feel that they are above the law—both in society and also in relationships. They will often expect things out of you that they do not plan to do themselves. This can be things such as how to dress, where to go and who to associate with, what to spend money on, and what behaviors are appropriate and acceptable outside of the relationship. Just because their expectations are clear that flirting is not okay for you, you can believe they do not hold themselves to this same standard.
If they accuse, they are telling on themself. One of the traits of narcissists is that they often project their negative traits onto their partner: If they are unfaithful, they will claim that you are cheating on them. This is why so many with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are unable to realize or believe they are doing anything wrong or see their behavior as problematic: Their cognitive distortions often prevent them from seeing the reality of their actions.
They often engage in gaslighting to deflect attention. When caught, or at risk of being caught, many with NPD will engage in unhealthy and dysfunctional behavior that deflects the attention off of them and their behaviors. They will tell you you’re crazy, making things up, or must be mistaken. This will often leave victims second-guessing themselves and wondering if they really are crazy.
Remorse will be manufactured and not genuine. When they can no longer gaslight or deflect out of a situation, such as if they were caught cheating directly, they will employ the tactic of "manufactured remorse." Many of my clients will tell me that their gut was telling them something felt "off" about the situation. "He apologized, but it felt cold." "She cried, but it felt scripted like she was acting." Narcissists might really believe that they feel bad, or that they are doing the right thing. Again, their cognitive distortions will convince them that they were doing the right thing.
How dare you be upset at something they definitely did do? You will usually only be allowed to be upset momentarily, and eventually the narcissist will lose patience with having to be remorseful. If you bring up their cheating at a future event, such as sharing that you do not feel like you trust them, this will be used against you. “You never let things go!” or “Are you perfect?” Sometimes being caught will cause them to lash out at or blame others, wanting them to hurt the way they are hurting. They will tell you it was your fault that they cheated: “What did you expect?” Hurt people hurt people, even if those hurt people are delusional, in a different reality, or unaware that their actions are contributing to a situation.
They will often play the victim. When all else fails, they will play the victim, especially in front of a third party, such as a therapist, other family and friends, and even a judge. Due to the nature of NPD, they may really believe their reality to be the truth. They may really feel victimized, and that conviction makes them sound more believable to outsiders, and can even work to further gaslight the victim.
About the Author:
Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of four books, including Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, and It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse.
As a moderator on a faith-friendly narcissistic abuse subreddit, I’ve been noticing a lot of posts lately about a specific trend that hits close to home.
Many survivors are sharing stories about a narcissistic partner not only having affairs, but actively demanding or insisting on an open marriage or multiple partners.
I experienced this exact same dynamic myself, especially during the final few years of my marriage.
It has me wondering: is there a specific clinical connection between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this insistence on open relationships or non-monogamy?
I plan on researching this further to see what the clinical side says, but in the meantime, I'm really curious how many of you out there have experienced the same thing. I’d love to hear your stories, your experiences, and any insights you’ve gathered along the way.
Methodology: From Interaction to Neutralization
Analysis of 2 million minutes of support data confirms a recurring frustration: survivors often view "setting boundaries" as an emotional plea. In reality, with high-conflict personalities, emotional pleas are interpreted by the system as engagement.
At Circles, we’ve found that the most effective way to manage conflict isn't to out-argue the narcissist; it’s to systematically remove the feedback loop they rely on. The "Grey Rock" protocol is not an act of submission; it is a tactical disengagement system.
One important thing to remember, Grey Rock is not difficult because the responses are complicated. It is difficult because it asks you to let go of the hope that one more explanation will finally change the dynamic.
Rather than focusing on getting the other person to understand, agree, or change, Grey Rock shifts the focus to protecting your own energy, wellbeing, and peace.
It is not about becoming cold. It is about stepping out of a pattern that keeps pulling you back into conflict.
The goal of Grey Rock is to become as uninteresting as a grey rock - unresponsive, boring, and utterly devoid of the "data" (emotions/secrets) the system needs to operate**.**
Our data shows that the primary reason people struggle with the Grey Rock protocol is guilt.
When you stop explaining and justifying, you feel like you are being "cold" or "rude."
Data analysis reveals: That "coldness" is actually the exact amount of distance required to protect your mental health. You are not being unkind; you are simply refusing to participate in a cycle that is designed to drain you.
Across millions of support minutes, the turning point for survivors isn't when the narcissist suddenly "gets it." It's when the survivor stops trying to get the narcissist to get it.
When you apply the Grey Rock protocol, you stop being a participant in their chaos and start being a neutral party to it. The system loses its power the moment you stop providing the data it needs to function.
Grey Rock is not about becoming emotionally distant from life. It is about becoming emotionally unavailable to a pattern that keeps hurting you. The goal is not to become a grey rock forever. The goal is to create enough distance from the conflict that you can reconnect with your own peace, your own voice, and the relationships that allow you to be fully yourself.
Taking Everything Into Consideration
Grey Rock is not a solution for every situation. In some relationships, reducing engagement may initially increase attempts to provoke a reaction. In situations involving abuse, coercive control, or safety concerns, professional support and a personalized safety plan may be more appropriate than relying on Grey Rock alone.