u/TypicalAlbatross911

man it sucks… trying to make the best of things but I can’t wait for it to be over… still have a week though…

I’ve been in ACA for 3 months, and it’s been great. but my mother is very much a covert narcissist. in other words she pretty much is just preying on my downfall every moment of every day all the while doing a fantastic job of making it seem like she is perfect loving caring parent. maybe that sounds dramatic but IYKYK.

I have been LC for a while, even before I started ACA I was doing that for my own sanity.

its great that I feel understood by people in ACA but at the same time there aren’t a lot of people with a deeply manipulative self mush and unstable parent who made it look perfect from the outside that I’ve come across. maybe I just haven’t talked to enough people… anyone have any advice?

I’m so fucking confused. so I posted here a bit ago about how my mom texted asking to take me out for my birthday right? well… I responded to that with a slightly more polite no thanks and she said “no problem, I’ll mail your gifts”

LIKE WHAT I was expecting that to go horribly. o mean ok great but also now I feel like shit. I feel like o had all that anxiety and mentally preppedness for nothing. where did this sudden “respect” come from? what the hell. and now I have nothing to show for it. like idk how to explain it but I just imagine someone else looking at that and going “wow she’s doing so much better.” like no this is just another one of her mind games but like… WHAT?

I honestly think it’s worse when they respond well than when they throw a little tantrum.

my mother who I have not seen in 6 months and have been LC with just texted me and said “we would love to take you for your 21st birthday” (which is next week).

a few things about this

1 as I said I haven’t seen her in several months and I want to keep it that way

2 I have no will to drink. despite her telling me all my childhood I should never drink because my father is an alcoholic (he’s been sober for at least 19 years if not longer…) but the. of course being the contradictory Narc she is gave me my first drink at like 17… and I know she will have an expectation there no matter what I say. basically it’s something that is very important to me and I know she won’t respect it.

also on that note, I have a family memeber on my dads side of the family whom I am very close with. My mom absolutely hates him because we are close. She doesn’t even know how close we are and still iwhen I was still talking to her was always shutting on him. She always seemed to like him until we had even the tiniest semblance of a relationshi. anyway he also struggled with alcohol addiction in the PAST though to be fair not nearly as long ago as my father. anyway though, he and I have discussed his journey of recovering from addiction a lot. I see how it ruined his marriage, his relationship with his kids and kept him away from other family members. I went to a few AA meetings with him and heard similar stories from other people. I said to him once “I’m too afraid to even drink once, I fear becoming an alcoholic too much.” He said good.” As the person who’s parented me more than my own parents I feel it necessary to listen to him.

most people accept the no. if They don’t I just keep saying no. But my mother would take it personally also if I cited the above incident she’d get even more upset just because “oh so you’ll listen to him” or whatever idk…

I also just hate the taste of alcohol but that also wouldn’t be a good enough reason for her cause “it’s a rite of passage“ like oh you don’t want to? Too bad. I’m missing an opportunity as a parent.

edit idk why saying no is so hard rn. i guess just cause I haven’t had to do it in a while

Edit: alright well I told her no. Don’t worry I had no intent of saying yes. was just struggling with the guilt I guess

feel free to scroll to “the poibt”

context: I’m 20f, I grew up with on parent who was emotionally abusive and parebtified me to parent them. my other parent lived far away and was occupied with my severely disabled half sibling. said sibling has since died, I am no longer on speaking terms with abusive parent but still occasionally speak to the less present parent but we are not close at all. in recent years a family member on said negligent parents’ side of the family stepped up as a parental figure to me.

my thoughts: basically because I never had a “normal“ parent relationship and overall haven’t had a lot of healthy or even just generally “close” relationships I just don’t know what to do here.

I’ve been worried about depending on them too much, but also kind of “need” them because I’m tired of doing everything myself. I know they love and care about me deeply and want to help me. literally has gone out of their way to help me so many times. even dealt with me pushing them away after they helped me with things my parents never did. they’re just so patient and give me the space I need, they actually want the best for me. I’m not used to that at all.

the point: what does a healthy parent child relationship look like?

more rambling around “the point”: this person is my best friend, my mentor in most of the parts of my life. they make me feel safe, comfortable. they treat me like one of their own kids. we live far away, so most of our communication is message based. even though theyve told me it’s fine if I call them I know they’re busy and I always just want to hear about their life never actually have anything important to say. I guess it’s like I want the relationship I never had with my own parents but I don’t know too. I feel like I’m just “trying to get attention” or something. it really bothers me a lot.

anyway if anyone has any advice, especially if you’re had a similar experience. it’s a rare one to have though unfortunately…

so basically I joined a sept group with my main group a while back but I wasn’t able to make the meetings until last week because of schedule conflicts. now u am able to make it but only for the next few months before my schedule ends up conflicting with it again.

I really want to stay in the step meeting with my primary group but I also realize I can’t commit to be there for very long. I got a response today from someone I had emailed about a different step meeting that will work for me.

im tempted to do both while I can. but is that a bad idea for me?

this may sound dumb but I’ve been on SSI for as long as I can remember and have always just wanted to work. I’m currently in college and still on it because I know I couldn’t both work and school at the same time… I’d love to start my career straight out of school, the only thing is I have a serious dilemma

if I stay on benefits I’ll be able to have my loans forgiven but that means I’ll have to stick with them for 2 years after I graduate which I really don’t want do. if I start working though I’ll have to pay off loans which.. yeah doesn’t sound great obviously. I don’t really know what I should do. any advice is welcome

edit: thank you to the people who were helpful!

for everyone else, fui i am disabled. It was not my decision to be on SSI, my parents put me on it as a child and I’ve just been using it to get through college .

i don’t want to take advantage of the system but i also don’t want to screw myself over financially. think of that what you will but i don’t think that makes me a terrible .

ive never worked so i don’t know if id be able to do it or not but i want to try. because unlike some of you think I’m not looking for a way out.

I feel like all the progress I’ve made has been good but I do feel like I’m going back a little bit.

I’ve tried to connect with my ACA group but honestly I’m really struggling hard with that. someone of the personalities are a little triggering to me.. so I do struggle to feel comfortable at times. I have one person in my life who is very supportive of me but I feel bad for being so dependent on just them because of struggling to connect with other people . I’ve been getting really depressed about it recently and just don’t really know what to do...

is a little less views but better engagement (like, comments) better than a good bit of views but barely any likes or comments?

i suppose as a short summary before I really get into it, I don’t have a great relationship with my parents but I am really close with my uncle. a few years ago he and my aunt separated because he was struggling with addiction and she kicked him out for the sake of their children. he has since recovered and has been working on rebuilding his relationship with his family. but the thing is, it’s not a black and white issue. his problem was what caused the separation initially yes but she also definitely has some issues and in general things between them just seem very strained even though they are at least able to communicate and hold it together for the kids.

I’ll also note that my parents are divorced but my mother (despite divorcing my father and then getting remarried) is very religious and judgy. she constantly commented on this situation after she found out about it (note these relatives are on my dads side of the family).

so then that leads me to my best friend whom I love dearly but honestly is very held captive by her beliefs. I realize this more and more as I deconstruct. I haven’t even told her I am deconstructing yet. Anyway she would just randomly bring it out of nowhere and ask if I thought they were getting back together. Also I was once talking about how much I love and respect my uncle and she was like “yeah but he lost custody of his children.” That really made me kind of upset for some reason cause I’ve told her in the past that he literally goes to see them every single day sometimes even several times throughout the day if he has time. Like he Is trying and I think even though his past decisions have an impact that doesn’t mean he has totally failed his family.

anyway, I know it’s not a big deal but people commenting on other people’s marriages is really getting to me. Like honestly I don’t even care, I care about them and I know if they decided to end it they would both be sad. And if they decided to get back together they would probably have a lot of work and readjustment to do. It just shouldn’t matter to someone else that much. But of course despite Jesus not wanting “his followers” to judge other people here they are judging some dude they’ve never even met…

I know it might not make a lot of sense without all the context but basically I’ve been emotionally neglected/abused by my parents and now as an adult have taken to trying to build a support system for myself. but unfortunately people suck and I have trust issues so only really have one person I’m emotionally close with. and that person is a little older than me so is sort of more like a parent to me at this point. (I will again clarify I am an adult, as I’ve gotten this question before. no it’s not a “weird” situation).

a lot of the time I just need to get stuff out of my head so I write them long texts ranting about things. I know they read them even if they don’t always respond. I know they don’t mind me doing it because they have told me explicitly that they enjoy helping me and being there to listen even if they don’t have a response.

with that though I still worry sometimes that I’m too dependent on them or that I’m taking advantage of them or something. I really am trying to add more people to my circle but it just isn’t going well for me at all. they know this, I’ve told them. anyway… I’ll add I am in therapy too but don’t see my therapist very often unfortunately. but I suppose they are just patient and know eventually I’ll learn how to deal with my own emotions without their help. for now their just supporting me and I feel bad or weird or whatever because I’m not used to someone wanting to be there for me in that regard.…

it’s a weird thing over been doing for a few years since I became a legal adult really. I’ve always attached and fixated on someone who has the emotional capacity to emotionally do what my parents were supposed to do for me. if that makes sense… it’s been a theme for a few years. usually it subsides from one person and I move on to another. but with my current person that hasn’t happened. though to be fair in this case they are really actually a parental figure and I don’t imagine they are going anywhere whereas the others were just sort of there for a short period and now we’ve drifted with life.

anyway I guess it’s probably not that strange but I just feel weird having such a strong attachment to someone.! they don’t seem to mind too much but I want to be self sufficent again like I was growing up and not feel like I “need” someone if that makes sense…

edit: ill note that this post is about a family member with psychosis, apologies if this is not allowed. reddit Just shows me this one so I figured it was ok.

I’ve never told anyone this, and it kind of just needs to come out.

for some context I (20f) grew up raised my mom, we lived about a 10 hour drive away from my dad and sister. I was never close with my sister, she had a lot of health issues. including psychosis that started l 10 years ago.

my sister passed almost 5 years ago. I didn’t have many memories with her. that brings me to this sub

sure there were a few times (like two) I remember us just hanging out with our dad. but everything else is just her episodes. the fighting with my dad, him having to physically stop her from running out of the house. her calling my mom from the hospital in a delusional state, begging her to save her. it was apparently more traumatizing than I thought at the time.

when someone i am talking to is clearly out of it I get really anxious, I always wondered why… my dad sustained a bad injury and was really out of it for weeks. during that time I was convinced he was going to die. I didn’t know why at the time but now I do…

I was in a psychology class and we watched a video of someone with schizophrenia and as soon as I saw it, it just triggered something in my brain and I just desperately wanted to run out of the room and go jump out a window or something… (not in a self harm attempt just to escape…)

that opened the door for me to realize all that I had been holding in. all those feelings, I felt bad for everyone involved… and I feel like I suddenly hated being there after that. fortunately for me , in that regard anyway, think that was around the time we did go to visit for a while and then Covid hit… so then we didn’t go for even longer. not that it was relieving, it wasn’t. maybe the parents did it on purpose to save me from experiencing that again. but I dunno. I felt bad for her. she spebt the last 10 years of her life at home fighting physical and mental problems. I don’t know what brought on the psychosis but it was not a fun last few years with that…

I just started a new gaming shorts channel. and I’m curious if I should be uploading one or two shorts a day? I started yesterday and have gained a decent amount of engagement. I did two yesterday and two today so now have four videos in total.

I know to a day will probably keep the traction up but considering it’s doing pretty well I’m not too worried there. one a day will buy me a lot more editing time. though I have enough right now to keep doing two a day.

any advice welcome!

I just stumbled across a video of some talking about good “The Prince of Egypt” was and yeah I actually agree. I think that was the only time any Christian media was actually really good. not just by Christian standards. I mean yeah I also could get down to some veggietales but that’s still pretty overtly Christian I think.

anyway when I was in youth group (graduated 3 years ago) we watched 3 seasons of the chosen. And honestly it never really landed for me. Everyone seemed to love it but I just didn’t “get it” I guess. Like i get they do a lot of research to fill in the gaps between bible stories but like how did they know what jesus did in his free time or whatever? If they just told the stories ok whatever. I don’t know, it wasn’t “bad” but it also made me cringe that they would flex “oh people on other countries were converted by this” like uh ok? Seems kind of propagand-y. Those are just some of my thoughts. I’m not super against it I just didn’t think it deserved the hype or honestly even the hate (at some point apparently someone saw a pride flag on set and freaked out online and the studio had to release a statement about it…).

I feel like I’m failing at life. even though I’m not, I’m doing so much better and I’m on a good path right now. but I feel like I suck, everyone hates me, even if they act like they don’t they secretly do and are just using that too manipulate me (this is not the case in reality at all, I’ve cut off and weeded out all of the abusive people in my life).

I feel like I might as well not exist. I’m not gonna do it because deep down somewhere I know all this is not true. but it’s like if my own parent thought I “wasn’t enough” then who will? I’ll never earn their love, and that’s something I want so desperately. I know they hate me even more since I went NC. I know they’re talking shit about me. o know even if I tried to “make amends” they would still just use me to get what they want. they’ll never “like” me. they didn’t even like the version of me I built to please them. they found it tolerable but still hated it. all the while telling me “I love you” and demanding hugs and whatever. telling people about how amazing I was, about whatever achievements I’d made that they deemed braggable. but the other things… they could care less. oh something small that doesn't make you look like a fantastic parent but I care about and am excited about happened? Lisboa’s give a fuck, let me tell you all about the pointless crap in my life that I’m going to complain about a million times despite it not mattering at all.

I just wished they had cared even a tiny bit but no… and I don’t know how to just move on. there are people who I am close too now who love me and care about me and support me so incredibly deeply but in my brain it still doesn’t matter. I’m not gonna try and earn it, I watched my parent do that with their parent to just end up feeling even less loved by them. spinning further into gaslighting themself about it. I’m tired of this. exhausted by my feelings that I don’t matter and I’ll never be anything in life. some please tell me it’ll be okay 😭

it’s kind of a weird thing but I have someone whom I feel very safe and comfortable with. I talk to them via messagepretty frequently. we live far apart so don’t see each other really ever. I enjoy calling them but haven’t in a long while and want to do so. but every time I get kind of nervous. maybe it’s because I hate calling my parents and their kind of like a parent to me… maybe it’s because I’m almost afraid of feeling that comfortableness I feel when I’m verbally speaking to them… I don’t know but it is a bit frustrating… I do generally hate talking in the phone but I guess I enjoy them more than I hate that so… yeah it just doesn’t make a lot of sense in my brain I guess.

my last food fixations were fewer and probably “worse.” at the moment all I can eat is cheese, pepperoni, olives and ice cream. specifically cheddar cheese, and honestly that has fizzled a bit.. the ice cream is very particular too. I’m typically not a big ice cream fan recently I’ve really been feeling the dipped cones from the freezer section of Walmart… I have no idea why. im drinking diet soda, Gatorade, coffee (that’s the main beverage, with milk and a bit of creamer). I guess I just needed to rant about it… I kind of don’t feel the greatest especially about he ice cream…befit: mostly just concerned because the ice cream makes me feel full but obviously.. sugar…

I’ve been in recovery for 2 months (ACA) and therapy for 6 months. I’ve noticed that I get actually upset a lot more. still not “a lot” but enough that it is noticeable. I used to only get enraged once every 3 years or so. usually black out for a minute or so and say some really mean stuff to someone who was antagonizing me and go back to being calm and collected as usual. but in the past few months it’s happened probably 4-6 times. given I have dealt with a lot of antagonizing but no more than I did before. it’s just how it comes out as rage rather than me SHing or breaking down crying. maybe it’s not a bad thing. it does scare me a bit though. thankfully I think people are willing to give me the space to walk away and recompose myself. it mostly scares me because it comes so suddenly and I feel like I don’t have much control over my actions in those moments. has anyone else experienced this? have ways to deal with it?