u/TypicalAlbatross911

it’s been a year, a year ago I realized my parent was narcissistic and I needed to get away from them asap. and I did, I moved out a month after that (thankfully I already had housing lined up).

i reached out to someone I “had the feeling” would be supportive and was safe. And they were, carried me through A LOT During that time. Encouraged me to go to therapy, and so I did. It’s not the best therapy, just free college therapy but hey it’s something. It helped me tremendously to get all that emotional baggage out of my head

during that time I tried reaching out to other people for help. I was pretty devoutly religious so I reached out to people in my community. Needless to say they were not very supportive at all. Told me I was in the wrong and I needed to suck it up and go home to make amends. Eventually I distanced myself from those people or I set boundaries that they weren’t permitted to bring up the subject which inevitably put a wall between us even if we were still on speaking terms.

then I joined a recovery urogram for people with family issues. I feel like I did grow during that period, but I also feel like I “relapsed” a lot more. I felt a lot more complacent and generally experienced a lot of discomfort with the people I was in a group with. They weren’t “bad” people at all. But I feel like when you gather a bunch of people with trauma induced negative behaviors together they all just bounce off each other and create a toxic space without really meaning to.

The main things For me were that a lot of people struggled with being controlling, which of course triggered my narc parent issues a lot. The other thing was that the other people in my group, including the program veterans were still extremely socially isolated and/or generally struggling with “people problems.” And I feel like being a part of the group made me isolate more than I had before, and I didn’t want that for myself. I dunno if correlation = causation but it was just an observation. I did try different groups but it all just was a little off putting to me. I tried it for 4, almost 5 months. I feel like I gave it the best shot I could. honestly my final straw was after I expressed some semi irrational feelings I was having towards the person who had originally supported me through my journey away from my narc parent and they basically implied that I should remove that person from my life… maybe I was overreacting but in that moment I thought maybe that was why everyone in this group mainly interacted only within the group… given the person who I was referring to is also a part of this program, just lives in a different area so hasn’t been to this group ever. anyway though it kind of made me think a bit. like I just said they are the only “supportive” person I have right now and your response is well you need to look within yourself only for support since they failed you… but even though we have had a difficult period of our relationship doesn’t mean it’s over… anyway moving on

anyway I feel like I’ve done my best progress when I am “doing it alone.” just after I’d started therapy, far before I ever entered “recovery“ my supportive person recommended me a book about the AA steps and I worked with that to try and work through the negative habits I had acquired while living with or being around my narc parent. eventually I hit a wall since I wasn’t in a group for that or anything and kind of just gave up. I went on for a few months just trying to process things and then that’s when I joined the above mentioned program.

i know in theory it’s bad to do it alone but I am so sick of people honestly. for my socialization I feel like just joining a few clubs around my college campus and calling it a day. making more just sort of surface level, low stakes friendships and doing my recovery on my own. maybe sharing with that one supportive person every once and a while and continuing to go to therapy but then just focusing on what I need to do for myself without sharing that journey with anyone else unless I so choose to. that way nothing is telling me what to do, I can laxer focus on the things I need to break, this was a big reason why I left my faith and it feels like a good reason to leave this too. the greater agenda distracts me from actually fixing the problems. I’m just adding to my list of “oh yeah that’s a problem I have” but never actually doing anything about it.

anyway that was a long rant about that… I just needed to get it out. I know there’s a support group for people with narc parents. if anyone would recommend lmk. I think I need to just sit with my own brain for a while but eventually I know that might become problematic…

I’ve realized that I need maybe not constant but still good bit of validation from other people in my life. I’ve been trying to work on it for a while by working on other issues around it but I think at this point the best way I’m gonna do that is just by catching myself in the act and redirecting until that comes the habit rather than trying to validate my feelings

usually I do it not in the same overtly attention seeking ways as narcs, ao I don’t think other people even notice. but I notice and not only do I feel like an asshole it takes a serious toll on my mental health when I don’t get the response from them I want.

I am fueled by external validation and it pisses me off. I don’t wanna be like this.

I think not only does it come from watching my narc parent do it, my narc parent also trained me to do it. I couldn’t make a decision without consulting them and if I did do something I knew they wouldn’t like I either hid it shamefully or stopped doing which usually applies to my hobbies these days lol.

but my narc parent isn’t a part of my life now. nobody else is going approve or deny my life decisions unless uts something really stupid that will be to my detriment.

id ask so why then am i like this? but I just explained that… i know why… but now what do i do about it? is retraining my brain enough? is realizing my feelings are valid unless it’s something shit I just projected into existence? and in that case, there’s a deeper issue going on… even just today in the small and big decisions I’ve made I’ve felt so much more at peace after reminding myself that I made whatever decision I did because I thought it was best for me and that’s all that matters.

have you learned how to find enjoyment in life? have you been able to find things that give you enjoyment?

after being raised by a narc, I felt like I couldn’t enjoy things because I had to make sure everyone else was enjoying themselves. even after escaping the narc family I carried on that same sort of mindset as them where I basically used everyone else around me to feel validated or find enjoyment if that makes sense. that or I would give into my need to make everyone else feel good.

i just don’t know how to enjoy myself. I have some hobbies and interests that I enjoy but I struggle to do them because my narc parent just kinda ruined everything for me at such a young age. I wasn’t allowed to do anything ya know?

trying to build a good/better life for myself but kind of becoming hopeless over that “live life for yourself” thing because well, it just doesn’t seem achievable. I’ve done enjoyable things in life but the thought I can just do them is… wel I dunno how to even explain it lol.

I’m really struggling as I start actually living my life the way I want to that I’m just gonna end up failing. just like mom always wanted me to… it’s really got me down

sorry if this is a dumb question but I’ve had SSI for my disability since I was a kid, my parent always managed it but I’m 21 now and trying to figure it out.

anyway, I recently got a credit card and also had to open a savings account and I was pretty sure I would have to report at least the savings account.

when I call to report what exactly do I need to tell them? just that I opened a new account? is there anything more I need to tell them about it? just trying to make sure I’m prepared

I’m planning on doing a texture fringe on top and using a 6mm guard to cut the sides and back. I’ve never had hair that short and have never used clippers but it’s really hot out and the sides of my hair are just really bugging with the humidity and everything.

anyway do I need to taper/fade it or can I just make all the sides and back the same length and then the top longer? idk if that even makes sense but advice welcome. I know it’s probably fairly simple to do at least taper but I can’t see very well and in the back I’m especially nervous about it

does anyone have tips for buying/wearing suits? I ordered one from Amazon a few months ago that fits me really well in the joker part, but is a bit too tight in the wait of the pants but overall is great. I’d rather it be a little too baggy than too tight. but idk if there’s a certain kind of “too baggy” since they are typically supposed to be a little more well fitting. any advice?

i apologize if the question is worded weirdly, my parent set me up with SSI when I was younger and had always managed it but I am an adult now and need to be able to report some recent financial stuff.

I’ve been in ACA for a few months now. I’ve had to cut off most of my family due to events that led me here. but I still have a few family members who I’d consider my chosen family.

primarily, I’ve just talked to the one of them. they are also in ACA/ recovery and also have been the primary person in helping me through this journey of self discovery and improvement I have been on. but my therapist encouraged me to reach other to another family member since we have a good relationship though we don’t really talk much at all. I finally reached out to them and told them I was trying to expand my support system. they had been informed of most of the recent events of my life from my other family member, and essentially told me they were proud of us for all the work we had done and would gladly help me with anything they could.

it’s all pretty great, I’m still a little overwhelmed by the thought of actually being supported in my life efforts. but I guess it makes me realize that I really don’t know how to ask them for help. I don’t know what I want form them, and of course they don’t know either presumably.

i don’t know how to build this relationship. I’ll be moving closer to them in about a year, in sure at that point just being in each others presence will help but until then I guess I really don’t know where to start…

I have a fair making of mental baggage from childhood trauma. I’ve been in recovery for that and therapy for a bit now.

I was also raised very strictly religious so I had a lot of sexual repression that I finally decided to work through more recently.

I am very ashamed to admit it but o started watching porn a few months ago and feel like I have formed an addiction to it. I have depression and find myself doing it when I feel “alone” or just need a hit of dopamine.

I to quit because I feel gross and weird about it. but I also don’t want to suppress my feelings. but I feel like maybe there are other ways to get the “feelings out” that will be healthier for me at the end of the day. I really don’t want to go through a recovery program or something… although I guess if I have to I will... I know I can just block the websites from my phone, throw out my toys and be done with it but I need a replacement and I don’t know what. I don’t want to ask anyone for help because I just feel so bad about it. I’m also a woman so I realize it’s a less common struggle in my gender space overall…

I was scrolling through a different sub and saw a statement about this made. it brought to mind something my mom used to flex about. she’d recount how as a young child she would discipline me for “being bad” and I would beg her to just hit me already because whatever mental torment she was doing was so much worse than whatever less than 2 minutes of physical pain would bring.

shed act like this was a parenting win but really it couldn’t possibly have been. I don’t know if she ever did hit me, she threatened too all the time. she got REEEEAAALLLYY mad when I was older and finally pointed out “well I know you won’t.” and stopped.

I’ve just really been feeling like slithering to worship songs from my childhood. nostalgia perhaps . I left the faith a few months ago. wouldn’t consider myself a Christian at this point. But I find weirdly I just am really into worship music and like radio Christian stuff from when I was growing up. It’s cringey and kind of lame but it just hits the depths of my soul. Some of them be having me feel like Jesus loves me, and I have no concept in my mind that Jesus even is still “alive today.”

so yeah… I mean I do believe in another power so maybe there is somewhat of a connection there? Idk it’s just weird.

I briefly shared the other day that I was being stalked online by my estranged parent. for context I’ve been LC with my mother for the last 10 months. it has been glorious.

well I’m graduating from college in a year. at that point, post moving several states away and changing my phone number I will be cutting her off for good (sounds of pure enthusiasm).

well I was updating some info on my LinkedIn account, one of 2 social media profiles I have with my name in it. (the other being my Facebook that I usually have deactivated but also is locked down when it’s not active.)

while updating stuff I was curious and decided to look at who had viewed my profile, since it’s usually just adnissions counselors from colleges trying tog ey me to transfer lol. But then I saw one of them was my chronically unemployed mom

bow the thought did not occur to me that if she looked me up, LinkedIn would pop up. but it did.

now my mother has been unemployed for YEARSSSS. like all of my life plus some. so uh wat

so yeah, now obviously there’s nothing crazy on my LinkedIn that I don’t need her knowing but just in case I hid my “interests” since I have been following companies in the area I’d like to move too.

thankfully she had looked at it before I’d started looking into my options in that area. But it did say we had a “mutual connection” so now I have anxiety about who that is…

anyway fun time…

I have to go to an in perosn appointment at my bank. I’ve been there a few times by just asking someone to take me, but I’ve never gone by myself. I’m planning to take the bus, which I take the store quite abbit.

I looked at Google Maps and the bus line map and there is a stop right across the street from the bank. like literally right there. I am a little nervous still though as I have never done something like this before (figuring out how to get somewhere by myself). does anyone have any advice? it looks like I won’t have to cross any major street or anything, maybe a side street. but it will drop me off on the sidewalk in front of where the bank is. maybe if it’s the usual driver they’ll even pull right up to it to drop me off.

does anyone have advice on how tog et a hold of government-ran services that parents are still controlling?

I am disabled, live in the US. I’m moving away in about a year. I don’t currently live with the parents, and when I moved out I tried to get everything but I was only able to get my savings, birth certificate, social security card and already had my bank account, ID and medical services for my disability. I have my insurance card but know absolutely nothing about the insurance itself. I receive SSI and Medicaid through the government and when I move I need to cancel the Medicaid and report to the SSI that I’m moving then again tell them ny income once I start working.

I really don’t want to involve my parent in any of this and would rather not try and fight them for this stuff since they need all the control they can get over me. currently this is all they have but I’m sure they’re gonna milk it for all it’s worth. does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

people keep telling me (by that I mean my therapist and my singular supporter lol) that when going no contact I need to explicitly tell “them” I’m going NC

my current plan is to send a text to the 3 main people (mother father and grandfather) whom I am cutting off. I’m sending a text because I refuse to speak to my mother or my grandfather in any other form and I want it to be in writing so they can’t twist it all around though I’m sure they will anyway.

my mother is the narc, most of her family is also narcs. my grandfather and father are enablers. my grandfather is part of the problem whereas with my dad I just don’t trust him with any intonation I don’t want them to know. I plan on sending the final message to all 3 of them together so that they can see I’m cutting them ALL off.

im moving away, to live near some of my dads family but they very rarely speak to him and I actually do trust them to respect that I choose not to speak to him.

I don’t really know what to write in the final goodbye or even if I should send it. mostly I don’t think my mother deserves the “closure” of we’re calling it that. but the other two still probably think I’m gonna put up with their shit so yeah ya know. but I want her to be included so she can see how deadass I am about it since I DID have a decent relationship with them until they decided to get involved with her shenanigans.

anyway this is just me getting all of that out of my brain…

I am disabled, currently in college but planning to move to another state post grad (in about a year) to start working and live my life and whatever. I’ve been LC with my narc mother because I know I’ll need to get this stuff from her but I know she’s not going to give it up without a fight. I’ll need to cancel my current Medicaid so I can reapply in my new state and then report my move and then report my income after I move to SAI.

but I don’t have access to any of that stuff. on another note I know nothing about my primary doctor or dentist or whatever other doctors aside form my specialists for my disability (thankfully I do have access to and handle that stuff).

but yeah if anyone else has had to deal with this and can offer any advice at all I would appreciate it. I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to get the info I need from her. he’ll I don’t even know what exactly I need but anyway she’s of course gonna hold onto it for dear life.

edit: to clarify I am in the US. I figured I wrote this like an American but just thought I’d add that anyway lol

I went LC/(NC with most) my family. I have been for about 10 months at this point. I thought maybe they stopped giving a shot and had just moved on but I was updating my LinkedIn account and noticed that my mother (who I will note has been unemployed for longer than LinkedIn has been around) had viewed my profile. now she had done some stalking when I first stopped talking to JetBlue I thought we were over this childish and creepy shit. well apparently not…

what. the. fuck.

this is after just keeping to try and fish info out of me. like sending texts like “oh are you coming to visit us?” or whatever LIKE THE FUCK I AM NOT AND YOU KNOW THAT.”

anyway, I’m just so fed up with it likely me live my life… can’t wait to move away so I can cut them all off once and for all.

the title. i guess she had looked up my name at some point and went through everything that came up. so annoying…