u/TypicalAlbatross911

I’m just genuinely curious…

so I guess last night I had all the memories of me being SAed by a parent come rushing back to me. that kind of sucked but honestly could’ve been worse. I’d kind of saw it coming for a while.

but recently I’ve started to go from a sort of vague theist to an atheist. I was suddenly very thankful for that because my immediate response was “where was God in all of that?”

where was that god when I, a poor defenseless child was crying and screaming for help huh?

o digress though, that led me to what people used to always tell me when I doubted the existence of said god. “well you just have to believe” or whatever.

so you want me to “just believe“ in a loving god? in this economy?

but that then led to me think “huh, maybe blindly following an authority figure, and thinking that’s the way to go is how so many kids evens up being cictims of abuse.”

they don’t question it because they were told to ignore their feelings.

im probably not the first person who has said this but honestly im PISSED about it.

I revisited a radio show I had listened to growing up sometime when I was 17/18 and I noticed sort of a weird thing about it. they were what I can only describe as “unhinged.”

I mean yeah we know this. if you listen to Klove these days in the midday it’s likely they’ll be broadcasting some girl crying over how much she loves the “word of God” or whatever. just going off about how amazing the station is to try and fill time.

but I’m not talking about the “oh we’re so Christian” ones. I mean the ones that were considered “good.@ by what standard I have no idea. but I guess just compared to the competition.

anyway what I noticed is that the guy in the show was honestly kind o narcissistic. and the other person in the show was also fairly self absorbed but also just seemed very emotionally unwell.

I’ve done radio shows myself, given unprofessionally but I feel like there is a level of etiquette like there would be in any workplace.

i get that she was going through it but like she started sobbing on air because her dog died or because she was happy her husband and her were still together despite “infidelity.”which… seems like a very personal thing to be talking about on a show that is broadcasted to probably hundreds of thousands of people AT LEAST. but yeah it would go from a fun quirky conversation to the other host trying to be consoling and smoothly transition to the next song or something. which I gotta respect him for cause I think I’d quit on the spot if my cohost atarted uncontrollably bawling on air more than a few times within shows that were maybe over the course of a few weeks.

so yeah, I’ve not listened to much “secular“ radio to be fair. but it just randomly popped into my mind after having a convo with someone about controversial Christian music stuff. it was actually shortly after I noticed these things happening that my local radio station took them off air and then the station they were working for got bought by another company. but I think they are still going today.

edit: I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m hating on someone for having an emotional breakdown. I just think she needs therapy not to be… on air where everyone can see it too… I feel like that should’ve been addressed by the station.

also I think she might’ve actually stopped and hes just still doing a show? I have no idea…

edit 2: other weird thing the guy on this show, o say is narcissistic. I don’t really know if that’s the right word but he definitely puts on a kind of like “oh yes I’m a Christian“ act when he’s on air. I followed him on social media and he acted like a normal human there for the most part. Like never talked about his faith or Christian music it was kind of weird. I mean it was nice but also just so odd

recently I’ve spend more money than I usually do, because I’ve been buying new clothes. it’s been years since I got new clothes, and some of my stuff I’ve had since I was in middle school (in my senior year of college now…) so it’s not like it’s a frivolous investment, im trying to find the best prices I can and space out my purchases (like buying shirts one month, pants another, underwear the next).

my idea of budgeting though is just spending as little money as I can. only buying things I either need or will make use of. but i still have anxiety about turning into my parent. I’ve bought thing that I ended up not using like food I ended up not liking or something I thought I’d need for school and then didn’t. I think those are just normal things but it makes me really anxious.

does anyone else struggle with this? have any advice? I just feel so bad and guilty when I buy things that are “totally necessary“

Edit: I’ll also note that this sort of anxiety has only started since I moved off on my own. Buying anything other than food gives me so much anxiety. People judge me for not decorating my room or whatever but I’m just like I can’t. it’s too much like the clutter I grew up with…

I think the title explains it but I guess to expand on it

I grew up with an emotional abusive and negligent parent. I overall have a lot of issues from it still despite being out of that relationship for a while now.

I generally don’t get very close to people because I know I have these issues. O have a lot of friends but I make sure not to get too close.

but I do have one person who I am very close to. I consider them a parental figure. They helped me get out of my situation and deal with the aftermath. they do their best to be there for me when I need support.

throughout the past year or so something has happened about 2 or 3 times.

tge first time was when they offered to do something for me, related to college paperwork so that I didn’t have to contact my parent. my brain kind of freaked out at the thought that they were fully willing to go out of their way to do something to help me like that. it also scared me that they were doing something my parents weren’t willing to do and had constantly given me crap for needing them to do. here’s this person just… doing it because they care about me?

what happened after that was I somehow convinced myself they were upset with me and were not going to talk to me anymore. how I jumped from that to that was inexplicable but it happened. I ended up reacting to this because well I thought it was over…

but then they didn't get upset, just told me they understood that I was scared and would give me the space to feel comfortable with them. I realized what I had done I felt terrible but they just moved on from it like nothing happened.

it happened again recently. this time I kind of hit a breaking point with some they were unintentionally doing that was causing me some trauma related issues and so I brought it up to them. instead of getting upset they just apologized and said they would try to do better… I guess after that I don’t even know what the exact thought in my head was I totally went off and actually threatened to not talk to them again if they didn’t so something that I had said at some point in that rant… I don’t even know how we got there. I have no idea what happened. cry😭

thry responded to that by saying that they would do what they could but that I was being irrational (said a lot more gently than that but essentially that was it).

I then of course realized that I was asshole, and felt terrible, again.

they also asked me if I was trying to push them away and I admitted that yeah I was. I don’t even know why 😭 I don’t know why I have to push them away, I know if I need the space to figure out stuff in my own brain they would gladly give it to me…

I don’t deserve this amount of patience for being such a jerk to them and I have no idea how to stop doing this.

someone please help me 😭

its happened probably about 3 times within the timeline of our relationship which has been about 2 years.

it usually when they do something that I can only describe as short circuiting my brain.

the probably worst time was when they made a whole plan to fill out some paperwork for my college stuff so I didn’t have to break NC to ask my n parent to do it. I totally convinced myself somehow that it was over and I had somehow made them upset… i decided to talk to them about this and they of course were like what are you talking about but I guess gently reassured me and told me that they would give me the space I needed to feel comfortable with them being in a more involved position in my life.

i felt pretty terrible after that, obviously Or I wouldn’t be writing this lol.

but it happened again recently and I guess I knew it was going to happen… I had an issue that I wanted to bring up to them and I didn’t. But over time the resentment I felt due to said issue (that was triggering some trauma) became unbearable so finally I brought it up to them.

they took it really well and did not get upset or blame me, say it was my fault or anything. Even though well it probably was at least slightly my fault… I don’t know but maybe.

i think that sent me spiraling and I just totally went off on a whole thing and then said something that I knew was Going to hurt them but still did it to “protect myself.” They immediately called me out on my BS but also assured me that they wanted to love and support me in any way that they could, whatever that meant in response to that.

im so mad at myself. I feel like he become the very thing that I despise.

my parent did this ALL THE TIME. She would just get so stuck in her own delusions and sometimes act out of them but usually just get stuck in them and hate someone just because she had this construct in her brain.

how do I fix this, what do I do? I don’t want to be like this anymore .😭

I’m honestly kind of mad about it. I’ve been LC/NC for a year. I have worked through almost all of my issues at this point. but I still deal with really bad depression.

I don’t understand why. I’m doing everything “right.”

I have a lot of friends, try and do my hobbies when I have time, ive been accomplishing a lot for myself.

maybe it’s genetic. maybe never feeling like I was enough or not being allowed to be happy has just permanent broken my brain.

whatever it is, o don’t want it anymore. but I feel like it’s the one hurdle I can’t jump over.

pretty much just the title. I’ve been looking at moving to the area but have lived out in the desolate “nearest Walmart is an hour away” towns of Georgia and cornfields of Pennsylvania so if anyone else has made the transition to a more urban area and can offer some words of wisdom on adjustment I’d appreciate it.

yea I realize it’s not “that“ big but it seems like a lot to me nonetheless 😅

earlier I was doing an assignment for a college course in which I had to write about recent news events

while searching for articles I saw one about the pope having a recent birthday

I didn’t realize the article was from the specific Vatican news organization until I kept reading past what I needed to and stopped having any understanding of what they were even talking about.

it reminded me of how many random, unnecessary and meaningless words this religion has…

I thought it would just be a lighthearted thing to include and then it ended up making me annoyed 😂

I made a few pairs yesterday about CI and I was kind of surprised at how other people seemed to have the same feelings towards CI being taken down (due to lack of moderation).

I have never moderated a sub but if it means CI gets a place on the internet then I will gladly do it. if anyone wants to help, hit me up.

reposted from narc parents, since I can’t cross post to this sub.

my friend saw my mom yesterday and was pretty concerned to say the least

apparently my mom and stepdad have lost A LOT of weight. mom told friends mom that she doesn’t talk to me anymore, t she doesn’t know why because “I’m not that mean” (referring to herself).

my mom seemed “empty” and apparently they’ve started traveling around the country and got an RV with an extra room in case I ever came back.

fuck. well I feel like shit.

I would love like LOVE to go back. believe me. but I can’t do that to myself

my mom is a control freak, she’s judgemental, manipulative well you all know… a narcissist… my stepdad is the enabler to it all

and it sucks. I want to make her happy but I know she never will be even if I were there. would she ever change if I asked her to… probably not…

I want to live my life as myself, I want to feel loved by the people who actually love me. I want the joy that I have without her in my life. Is it selfish? Hell yeah it is. Do I feel bad still? Yeah of course. I will never stop loving her but I can’t make her life better no matter what she think because at the end of the day it isn’t enough.

but hey at least they a hobby and are doing stuff now… I guess… honestly guys I’m just not even sure what to do here… someone help me

my friend saw my mom yesterday and was pretty concerned to say the least

apparently my mom and stepdad have lost A LOT of weight. mom told friends mom that she doesn’t talk to me anymore, t she doesn’t know why because “I’m not that mean” (referring to herself).

my mom seemed “empty” and apparently they’ve started traveling around the country and got an RV with an extra room in case I ever came back.

fuck. well I feel like shit.

I would love like LOVE to go back. believe me. but I can’t do that to myself

my mom is a control freak, she’s judgemental, manipulative well you all know… a narcissist… my stepdad is the enabler to it all

and it sucks. I want to make her happy but I know she never will be even if I were there. would she ever change if I asked her to… probably not…

I want to live my life as myself, I want to feel loved by the people who actually love me. I want the joy that I have without her in my life. Is it selfish? Hell yeah it is. Do I feel bad still? Yeah of course. I will never stop loving her but I can’t make her life better no matter what she think because at the end of the day it isn’t enough.

but hey at least they a hobby and are doing stuff now… I guess… honestly guys I’m just not even sure what to do here… someone help me

only because of if I had been born a man I wouldn’t have had the experience of being a woman for 20 years of my life.

I feel like having that experience will make me a better man that treats women with the respect they deserve.

just trying to be positive about it, because I still am salty about it 😭

I kind of forgot this was even a thing but I was talking to my best friend who is currently still very religious about another friend of mine who they have met that is trans. this person generally goes by he, changed their name to a generally male name and presents masculine so even though this person doesn’t know them well I think most would assume they wouldn’t want to be referred to as “she.”

but we were talking about this person and my friend kept referring to them a she and “girl.” which was kind of starting to annoy me a lot.

even when I was religious I just referred to everyone as they because well I think it’s pretty irrespective to blatantly disregard someone’s pronouns.

except my best friend, I give them a lot of credit that they’ve actually done their best to be supportive and really have been. I’m proud of them for that.

but everyone else… yeah… I feel bad for cutting off the people who are just kind of there and haven’t done any real harm but I feel like the other people will try to use them to get into my head. maybe I’m just paranoid 🤷‍♀️

I recently change the name I go by though and I was thinking of changing the name on my social medias and then removing people after I change my name. then changing the profile and cover photos. my account s are private so like they can’t see stuff about me if they have no connection to me, I thinks anyway I feel like I’m being dramatic but I’m so sick of the whole ”you’re going to regret this” and all that crap regarding my leaving the church. like guys it’s been months at this point leave me alone

I have a friend who I don’t talk to all that much. we have a few classes together, we were in a club together and also went to a church together for a bit but I left and I think he might’ve as well.

anyway, I was aware that he is a very devout Christian but most of our conversations have been about school or video games so I never really thought much of it I guess. but he posted this on Facebook along with a video of him talking which admittedly I did not watch.

it seemed a little weird to me… not sure of this was one of those “the rapture was supposed to happen” things but it certainly gave those vibes…

i kind of lose a bit of respect for the guy with that one not gonna lie.

edit: I’m not gonna say anything to him about it.

i genuinely just think he’s been religiously brainwashed or something cause he seems like abnormal person aside form that…

I and several others on this sub have ranted about FOCUS, im just adding to these already existing rants lol.

sp basically my friend who is Catholic and still part of our campus ministry group and our other friend who is not religious we’re going to a game night type thing with the group. I decided to join because I like the game (we’ll say it was bingo for the sake of not exposing myself). basically it was a tournament for a game and there were prizes and stuff.

anyway we went, I won a pretty big prize, so did my friend and it was fun.

thibgs were a little more lowkey since it was like the first week of school and there were a lot less Catholics then usual. which kind of added to my feelings because it was like they were toning it down for the normies.

afterward though I was asked by the person who’s basically in charge if I was going to mass the next day. mind you this person knows I’m not Catholic anymore and gave me a whole speech on how I was basically possessed by demons for leaving… so yeah that’s fun…

hut aside from that it was actually pretty normal. almost made me miss it.

bye I think that’s just it. that’s the marketing tactic. because I feel like that’s how I got sucked into the group in the first place

it was at one of those events o joined and it slowly got more culty until finally I went huh this isn’t great and left…

and that really intensified when FOCUS came around, so yeah screw that weird abomination of an organization.

3 years ago I decided to try and figure out what I beleived, because I knew it wasn’t what I had grown up with. I went to the church I went to today actually, and just kind of never went back to it again. not for any reason in particular other than later on finding out it was more progressive. I had talked to the pastor a few times but ultimately I became Catholic and just didn’t really think about it again.

well about 6 months ago I left the Catholic Church and started deconstructing my faith. I kind of figured I wasn’t going to be able to be a Christian anymore.!I assumed I wasn’t going to deconstruct and just be agnostic forever, never be able to unsee what I had seen aka the very conditional support of my former faith communities.

but I eventually came to a point where I wanted to give it a shot and so I did.

the experience of going to church itself wasn’t anything special but a few of the things that stood out to me were the following:

the pastor didn’t act like the supreme dictator of the church. I mean generally he is a pretty chill guy but I mean he did a sermon illustration and in that he was mostly not even standing at the pulpit which was interesting to me.

the sermon wasn’t “you need to do this make God happy” it was more like “God can help you love other people.”

also the concept of loving other people was very much said like so many times and that was kind of surprising to me.

i also realized because of an off hand comment someone made that they ordain female pastors. and it was in that moment that i came to realize that i have no idea why there’s so much beef with women being pastors and why this is a trivial issue.

anyway that was my experience. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would.

edit: I wanted to share because I actually kind of feel like I have some hope that I can reconnect my faith after all this

edit: o grew up conservative evangelical, I was just Catholic for a couple years before deconstructing my faith.