r/Exvangelical

Hi, 30M here. I'm in the process of deconstructing out of fundamentalist evangelicalism and think I'll probably never return, though I am more open to returning to Christianity more broadly. I'm basically planning to start living as a non-Christian while I continue to investigate the truth claims of Christianity.

How have you guys navigated sexuality and dating during the later parts of your deconstruction and post-deconstruction? I'm a virgin who has been waiting until marriage who now feels increasingly free to experience sex outside of marriage. I still intend to get married and have children, but am not sure that I am committed to dating for that intention alone in this immediate phase in my life. I kind of want to "have some fun" and get some experience under my belt....you know, the stuff I would have been doing 10 years ago if I had not been a fundamentalist evangelical. This would be for a yet-to-be-determined limited period.

Some general concerns I have are deciding to be a Christian again and regretting I don't have my virginity anymore, my lack of experience at this age heading into the secular dating pool, and concerns about damaging the stability of my future marriage by sowing some wild oats for a little while.

Any advice or experiences from people who are or who have gone through a similar situation as a part of their deconstruction would be appreciated! Any feedback, criticism, or advice is welcome.

Hi, I'm 20F and left a small-ish pentecostal cult (based in an eastern european country).

I grew up there (truly, like from birth until 19-20 years old) and quite frankly hated it. I've seen it all, from "exorcisms" (of others or myself, yes thats very traumatic) to holy fire baptisms (quite frankly that can be traumatic too).

I've spent years going to clandestine prayer meetings where we "released" people (basically just another name for an exorcism) and removed bad spirits from them. There was screaming, crying, shaking and throwing up. Basically all the scary shit.

I left entirely almost a year ago and am still deconstructing my entire belief around god etc. but at the very least I no longer believe in the cult.

However...

Sometimes I find myself missing the high of being freed of demons or the "rejoicing" when someone is "released" or baptised in the spirit. All the teary and snotty hugs and the stomping of the feet and speaking in tongues.

There was a euphoria and sense of community that only a collective delusion that strong could offer.

Am I crazy? Does anyone else experience this?

I heard someone mention evangelicalism’s relationship to fascism in passing a few weeks ago and I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s no doubt that it’s a very authoritarian anti-democratic type of religion. Though I imagine most evangelicals would deny it, but if your goal is to proselytize and convert as many people as possible, then you don’t really believe in freedom, right? Honestly this is one of the main things that drove me away. I would be interested to hear other’s thoughts or suggestions for relevant materials.

One thing I wish I’d known before becoming a Christian was that I was basically being asked to join a club without being told its history first. The whole conversion experience was cued: the soft music, the pastor changing his voice, everyone bowing their heads, and then being told exactly what to pray. And, of course, at the end you “ask Jesus into your heart,” even though that phrase isn’t actually in the Bible.

Looking back, I really wish churches had taught us how Christianity developed, where their particular beliefs came from, and how differently Christians have believed throughout history. Then they could ask, “Okay, now that you know what kind of club this is, do you still want to join?” At least let me read the terms and conditions before giving me the Golden Membership.

Hello.

I’m 30 years old, I grew up in Christianity. I started deconstructing at 20. By 22 I had come to grips with the fact I wasn’t straight. However because it was so late in life. I spent most of my 20’s experimenting with everything and definitely made some bad decisions cause I didn’t know any better. Or I didn’t know how to talk about it.

I need therapy, I need to find resources that not only focus on LGBT subject matter but also with an understanding edge of former naive homeschooler (I’m ashamed to say it) Christian to it.

I’ve tried to set things up with better help, but worry I won’t be able to find someone who understands both the former Christian guilt and the now accepting who I am as a human.

If anyone knows of a good resources and is willing to direct me on where or who in NC. I should look into? That would be much appreciated. Cause I definitely need to seek some help.

Thank you

Once again Mods, if this is too much or not allowed. Please by all means delete this post.

When I first started deconstructing, I was shown by a (friend at the time) Julien Baker’s music and her first record became a massive blueprint for me and was the first time I heard of any type of Christian ( at that time, I’m not sure where she stands rn with all of that.)

Talking about struggles with faith and her personal beliefs towards her sexuality. It opened my mind and became some of the most relatable lyrics I’d felt.

I’m 30 now and still have my flaws and issues, but it’s now been 10 years since I got out of it (Christianity)

And I was curious to know if anyone else felt the same or if her music also blew your mind and changed how ya started to view the world after hearing it?

I'm an ex muslim and in my former religion i had to pray 5 times a day, it was exhausting boring and tedious as fuck, constantly reading the same verses punishments and hedonistic pleasures for believers, and i never felt anything when praying besides cobditioning saying it was good, i never felt an objective feeling to god, if anything i felt degraded i had to act like a servant while he just expected everything from me and didn't lift a finger to solve my problems while i spiraled. The way the prayer is performed is so damn submissive and toxicly dependant on someone to guide u/solve ur shit for u.

Anyhow pov aside whats prayer like for u guys? Is it anything similar? Ofc its probably not 5 times a day cuz nothing is as bad as islam but is the structure of how it works similar?

I don’t believe anyone’s posted about this yet and if it doesn’t fully fit in this subreddit. Mods please feel free to delete this.

But if you haven’t heard of it, a horror-supernatural film came out this called Leviticus and I’m just going to copy-paste the main premise but it’s this

“a new teenager in a conservative rural Australian town named Naim (Joe Bird) develops a secret romance with a local boy named Ryan (Stacy Clausen). After their relationship is exposed to their fundamentalist religious community, a "deliverance healer" forces them through a violent conversion therapy ritual. The ceremony curses the boys with a malevolent entity that stalks them by shapeshifting into the person they desire most—each other—turning their budding love into a constant, paranoid struggle for survival”

It’s one of those type of films that I felt seen in a way I haven’t seen done before.

It’s not a full film about evangelicals cause naturally the supernatural-horror element. But the element of being who you are and not fitting in with the church felt relatable.

Along with the fact theirs a scene where the worship band sounds like a rip off of Bethel or Hillsong United track.

I loved it a lot and as a former exvangelical and gay man. I was s curious what everyone else thought about it? Assuming you’ve seen it, cause parts of feel very accurate to the weird guilt feelings of growing up in a conservative background and wanting to be yourself despite having to keep it hidden. And feeling like a weird outsider-monster

Thoughts?

TLDR: Looking for audiobook recommendations that re-examine the concept of prayer from a non-traditional view

Hey, so, I'm reaching a point in my deconstruction where I really need to re-examine prayer (as a concept), and I’m looking for book recommendations (specifically ones that have audiobooks available).

Prayer is so important to my wife, and she genuinely believes god has supernaturally intervened, and caused courses of events to happen to answer prayer. But, I cannot reconcile a God who can do that, and choses not to. The problem of Evil, yes. But also, the problem of prayers being "answered" for things that are evil.

I’m looking for books that explore why we pray from non-traditional angles (mysticism, post-evangelical, biblical scholarship, philosophy, or even psychology). Basically anything except standard evangelical apologetics or classic theodicy.

Any recommendations for books that have actually been helpful for you in re-examining this?

I decided to ask this question here, even though this would probably qualify to be posted in several other reddit subs.

I grew up with narcissistic boomer parents who were oppressively controlling charismatic pentecostal evangelicals that implemented corporal punishment excessively using the bible and james dobson to justify their actions. We were first  generation “Dare to Discipline” children, where religious narcissistic boomers enthusiastically got to beat their kids in the name of jesus. My parents, especially my mother, daily abused all 3 of their children, mentally, physically, spiritually, & emotionally, from the time the youngest was about 3 until we left home, multiple times a day.

Fast forward to today. My brother & sister still have somewhat of a belief in the Bible. I have fully deconstructed. My father is in the last phase of Alzheimers and mom is not well either. My brother lives there, initially to help take care of dad, but needed more help due to mom’s decline and her absolute refusal to put dad in a facility. My son moved in to help when my brother is at work. They take shifts between my son’s college and work schedules. It wasn’t enough, so my middle daughter lives in the garage to pick up the slack when needed. Of course if you ask my mother, nobody helps her and her children are lazy, ungrateful, selfish, and need inner healing.

My Mother will probably pass away in less than 2 years. She has pre-planned her funeral to include everything. She wrote her own eulogy complete with excerpts from her diaries. She outlined which of her children read a particular part. There is also a bunch of proselytizing & political MAGA rhetoric.

Mom was covert in her behavior. We did not realize this was not normal until adulthood. With the exception of her immediate family behind closed doors, everyone thinks she is absolutely  phenomenal. Friends, extended family, church people, co-workers, are just in awe of how Wonderful she is. My siblings & I are not in agreement on what we should do about her funeral. We probably have a couple of years to think about it, but this is really bothering us.

Oldest wants to: Do everything as requested because she doesn’t feel it is necessary to  enlighten everyone to the truth and ruin their memories, combined with they may not believe us anyway.

Me: Have private graveside service for immediate family only. Put coffin in ground, call it good.

Youngest wants to: Use funeral to tell the truth and have her cremated because she specifically does not want to be cremated.

What would you do? One of these or maybe you can suggest something? Thank you.

Hi, I recently moved to the US, and I’ve decided that I no longer want to be part of INC. This has been something I’ve been thinking about for a while, and I’ve realized that I can’t continue with a religion/church that I no longer genuinely believe in.

The hardest part is my mom. She told me that if I leave INC, she will never communicate with me again. That really hurts because I love my mom and obviously don’t want to lose my relationship with her over religion.

I’m struggling with how to explain to her that I believe faith and spirituality should be personal. I want my relationship with God to come from my own beliefs and convictions, not from fear, pressure, or the fear of losing my family.

For those who have gone through something similar, especially those who have left Iglesia Ni Cristo, how did you handle it with your family? Is there a way I can explain this to my mom so she can understand where I’m coming from?

I have been in the Assemblies of God church for my entire life. I do appreciate the emphasis on the power of the Holy Spirit and how being filled with the Spirit is important for God's works within us. However, I'm feeling like God is calling me somewhere else. I've deconstructed my zionism in the past few years and am now pro-Palestinian and anti-genocide. (I am not here to debate my stance on this or politics.) AG is extremely zionist and my church does an annual trip to Israel and the West Bank. Hearing about this in church makes me feel physically ill. Not only that, but I'm not right-wing at all anymore and most of the church is MAGA, MAHA, anti-vax, pro-homeschooling, and I just don't agree with it at all. I know that I don't wish to be Catholic or Orthodox, but I'm not sure what kind of denomination would be a good fit for me.

What I am looking for in a church denomination:

- Strong Biblical foundation (Edit: what I meant by this was that preaching should be based off of the Bible and not loosely related to it like Joel Osteen/Megachurch preaching and also should consider context behind the actual written words)

- Pro-humanitarian

- Anti-zionist

- Supports women and their children instead of claiming to be pro-life and then forgetting about the women after they give birth

- Not MAGA or predominantly Republican

I’ve been working on a fictional novel that’s heavily rooted in my own experiences with religious trauma (and a lot of the other heavy baggage that came with it). Even though it’s technically fiction, every single character in the story deals with spiritual trauma and control in some way, mirroring what I and so many real people in my life have walked through.
I knew this project would be a challenge, but I didn't expect how intense the process would actually be. On one hand, getting it all out on paper has been incredibly cathartic. On the other hand, it can be really triggering.
Typing out these scenes is forcing me to look at my past through a completely different lens. I’m noticing patterns and realizing things about what I went through that never clicked while I was actually living it. So many disconnected dots are finally linking up, and it’s hitting me in ways I didn't anticipate.
It’s emotionally exhausting, but seeing the truth laid out in front of me makes it feel entirely worth it.
To any other writers out there tackling heavy, personal themes: how do you balance the emotional toll with the momentum to keep writing?

I'm going to try to spare my entry life story. But in short I'm a pastors kid who deconstructed in my late 20s.

I was apart of a more progressive Church community for a couple of years after I moved in 2020.

I ended up getting married and we moved slightly far away enough it was not ideal to make the drive. We both consider ourselves Christian but are progressive and also both grew up in conservative evangelicalism and struggle to connect with Church.

It has been years since I've regularly attended church. I haven't had a "church home". Ive actually tried out several churches over the last couple of years. Many more progressive like UMC.

Longest stint was five Sunday at a church. I liked the church. Progressive and diverse (I'm white and my wife is Puerto Rican and diversity matters to us). However no one barely even looked at me. I questioned if it was me, but when my wife went with me she felt the same. Like I couldn't penatrate any conversation and no one was noticing new people.

I realized recently that my older church is now 30minutes away. They moved locations. So I was thinking "fuck it" I'll just attend there two times a month or something. Yet I just haven't.

For context I have been dealing with post concussion syndrome for almost two years now after a TBI and it turned into one of the most isolating experiences of my life.

I've been doing better, but still struggling. However Ive been doing good enough that a 30minute drive and some socializing isn't going to be too difficult.

But then I woke up this morning feeling fairly awful. Symptom flairups...

I caught myself questioning all morning if I really want to go.

My wife works most Sundays and she is working today.

I've been talking with my therapist for awhile now about how building community is a goal for me. It's very encouraging to maintain positive community for their with PCS.

But something keeps me from going. Idk what??

Tbh maybe I just don't like Church services anymore? Sermons I've heard my entire life? I have to drive 40 minutes to listen to worship music and a sermon I don't connect to because I just don't care for how worship music sounds. Sometimes a sermons is good but a lot of times when I try to stream a sermon I tune it out.

But I know people at this church. It would be good to connect with them. So why don't I go? I don't know.

When we have kids I want them to have some connection to a faith community. If I can't do that for myself then what am I doing?

Maybe I just need to go and accept it will be awkward and not fun at first? That maybe in time I'll want to start going again?

Maybe if it was a friend get together I'd make the effort and be more excited? Is it the church part?

But I still believe in Jesus? I've done years of therapy to help process my faith.

I'm still lost. Am I lazy? Maybe it's just that I don't feel good because of my PCS and I know going out will be tough.

But sometimes to recover you have to go past your comfort zone

Any thoughts? Anyone else relate?

I’m a pastor’s kid, and I’m wondering how other PKs have reconciled chronic illness with their faith.

I was dedicated to God as a baby, baptized in the Holy Spirit at 12 and water baptized at 16.

At 17, I developed vitiligo. At 19, I developed endometriosis, had surgery, and spent years on hormone treatment. My vitiligo is still progressing.

Growing up in church, I was taught to see suffering through God’s glory. At 25, I even received a prophecy that my vitiligo would disappear. It didn’t.

Years later, I’m still asking: Where is God in this? I don’t want to keep finding ways to turn my suffering into a testimony. I want to be honest about the unanswered questions, the shame, and the disappointment.

For those of you who are PKs with chronic illness or other experiences that don't fit the usual Christian narrative:

How did you reconcile it with your faith? Did your understanding of God change?

Disclaimer: Written with help from GPT to organise my thoughts. The experiences and questions are my own.

Hello—new to the sub.

I grew up in an AoG church with all the usual bells and whistles, including a few people who believed they were special prophets. I was deeply involved with religious life from ages 5 to 18.

For the past six years, I've been processing in therapy what happened during that time. It's been incredibly helpful, but I recently attended a semi-vangelical church service (masquerading as a memorial service) which set me back a few paces. And I'm thinking about writing a letter to my childhood church to express the anger and hurt I still feel.

I often think about how angry I am at the pastors, church leaders, and even everyday church members who created that world. And I often think there's nothing I can really do with that anger, except talk about it in therapy and (occasionally) use it in my artwork. But now I'm not so sure. Maybe I can tell them how I feel. I know they won't get it, and there's almost no chance they'll accept responsibility, but I wonder if it would still make me feel better to express my feelings towards the people who are responsible.

So, I'm curious: Has anyone tried this? If so, did it help you?

Growing up, my faith meant so much to me.

It meant learning four-part harmonies. Switching back and forth between alto and soprano. Surrounded by peers. Quality time with my Mom and grandparents. Learning about my dad's legacy after he passed away from a drug overdose (I was only two). Belonging (mostly). Reading complex stories that resonated with themes of compassion. Feeling spiritual connection to something greater than just me.

At the same time, it meant judgmental stares at my widowed, scandalously un-remarried Mom with us three kids. Questioning my worth and value as a girl who would learn 20 years later that she was the 'B' in LGBTQ+. Feeling like something was wrong with me for simply existing as a sexual being. Being praised for hypervigilance.

I carried religious trauma from the time one of my dad's old mentors used his story as a cautionary tale... on the first day of freshman high school huddle... with me in the room. From being the poor kid amongst wealthy kids, treated like I should be just as successful as them. Neurodivergence never being named or claimed within those "holy" walls. Et cetera.

When I got to college, I was so empty and depressed. I ended up marrying a much older man who was a minister in my church. He was 27 and I was 19 when we started dating.

10 years later (very long story short), he had changed his mind about having kids after four years of marriage; instead of talking with me about his fears, hesitations, or whatever else was causing him pause, he asked me every single day if I'd taken my birth control pill. It broke my entire heart. All of me was torn in two as I looked at my life: the pastor-in-training's wife, worship leader, how close I felt with my friends in that spiritual community. Trapped but required to be publicly happy.

Suddenly, I realized I was in love with someone else in the worship band. We both fucked it up (our chances, I mean) but I was adamant on not cheating. COVID swept it all away.

I summoned just enough anger and courage to leave the marriage. Everyone was shocked, including the husband (after years of me telling him what I needed into a silent void.)

Echoes of that time do still plague me. I've tried writing letters-to-never-send to both the ex and the almost-lover. Still stuck with what they represented to me. Wishing I could have real closure from the guy I fell in love with, because he lives in the same city. Thankfully, the wasband got re-married and moved states. That comes with its own kind of sting, of course.

Anyway. Since 2022, I stopped visiting church. It's technically Sunday right now, and I'm a mix of apprehensive and hopeful about visiting a place I've researched that focuses on local needs, affirming couples and individuals of all genders / sexualities, and justice. Racial justice is very important, and I will be gauging for that too.

While I recognize most exvangelicals never want to go back, for me it's different. I may not stay or continue visiting this place I try in the morning. But! Just the sign that I'm ready to try is showing me that I've come so far since my exodus from the church and divorce in 2021.

I am proud of myself for finding actual truth and liberation outside of the church. Here's to building real community and to found family. 🌻💓 No matter what, whether this is simply a phase of my healing, what I've taken away from my journey is that my community will never be exclusive to religious spaces alone.

P.S. Apologies if any of this comes across weird. I'm still processing the shame from everything. I've taken accountability and apologized to the people I've hurt, but still seeking resolution to a lot of my feelings in support groups and therapy.