religious covert narcissistic boomer mother funeral opinion
I decided to ask this question here, even though this would probably qualify to be posted in several other reddit subs.
I grew up with narcissistic boomer parents who were oppressively controlling charismatic pentecostal evangelicals that implemented corporal punishment excessively using the bible and james dobson to justify their actions. We were first generation “Dare to Discipline” children, where religious narcissistic boomers enthusiastically got to beat their kids in the name of jesus. My parents, especially my mother, daily abused all 3 of their children, mentally, physically, spiritually, & emotionally, from the time the youngest was about 3 until we left home, multiple times a day.
Fast forward to today. My brother & sister still have somewhat of a belief in the Bible. I have fully deconstructed. My father is in the last phase of Alzheimers and mom is not well either. My brother lives there, initially to help take care of dad, but needed more help due to mom’s decline and her absolute refusal to put dad in a facility. My son moved in to help when my brother is at work. They take shifts between my son’s college and work schedules. It wasn’t enough, so my middle daughter lives in the garage to pick up the slack when needed. Of course if you ask my mother, nobody helps her and her children are lazy, ungrateful, selfish, and need inner healing.
My Mother will probably pass away in less than 2 years. She has pre-planned her funeral to include everything. She wrote her own eulogy complete with excerpts from her diaries. She outlined which of her children read a particular part. There is also a bunch of proselytizing & political MAGA rhetoric.
Mom was covert in her behavior. We did not realize this was not normal until adulthood. With the exception of her immediate family behind closed doors, everyone thinks she is absolutely phenomenal. Friends, extended family, church people, co-workers, are just in awe of how Wonderful she is. My siblings & I are not in agreement on what we should do about her funeral. We probably have a couple of years to think about it, but this is really bothering us.
Oldest wants to: Do everything as requested because she doesn’t feel it is necessary to enlighten everyone to the truth and ruin their memories, combined with they may not believe us anyway.
Me: Have private graveside service for immediate family only. Put coffin in ground, call it good.
Youngest wants to: Use funeral to tell the truth and have her cremated because she specifically does not want to be cremated.
What would you do? One of these or maybe you can suggest something? Thank you.