u/Top-Elephant6981

I'm going to try to spare my entry life story. But in short I'm a pastors kid who deconstructed in my late 20s.

I was apart of a more progressive Church community for a couple of years after I moved in 2020.

I ended up getting married and we moved slightly far away enough it was not ideal to make the drive. We both consider ourselves Christian but are progressive and also both grew up in conservative evangelicalism and struggle to connect with Church.

It has been years since I've regularly attended church. I haven't had a "church home". Ive actually tried out several churches over the last couple of years. Many more progressive like UMC.

Longest stint was five Sunday at a church. I liked the church. Progressive and diverse (I'm white and my wife is Puerto Rican and diversity matters to us). However no one barely even looked at me. I questioned if it was me, but when my wife went with me she felt the same. Like I couldn't penatrate any conversation and no one was noticing new people.

I realized recently that my older church is now 30minutes away. They moved locations. So I was thinking "fuck it" I'll just attend there two times a month or something. Yet I just haven't.

For context I have been dealing with post concussion syndrome for almost two years now after a TBI and it turned into one of the most isolating experiences of my life.

I've been doing better, but still struggling. However Ive been doing good enough that a 30minute drive and some socializing isn't going to be too difficult.

But then I woke up this morning feeling fairly awful. Symptom flairups...

I caught myself questioning all morning if I really want to go.

My wife works most Sundays and she is working today.

I've been talking with my therapist for awhile now about how building community is a goal for me. It's very encouraging to maintain positive community for their with PCS.

But something keeps me from going. Idk what??

Tbh maybe I just don't like Church services anymore? Sermons I've heard my entire life? I have to drive 40 minutes to listen to worship music and a sermon I don't connect to because I just don't care for how worship music sounds. Sometimes a sermons is good but a lot of times when I try to stream a sermon I tune it out.

But I know people at this church. It would be good to connect with them. So why don't I go? I don't know.

When we have kids I want them to have some connection to a faith community. If I can't do that for myself then what am I doing?

Maybe I just need to go and accept it will be awkward and not fun at first? That maybe in time I'll want to start going again?

Maybe if it was a friend get together I'd make the effort and be more excited? Is it the church part?

But I still believe in Jesus? I've done years of therapy to help process my faith.

I'm still lost. Am I lazy? Maybe it's just that I don't feel good because of my PCS and I know going out will be tough.

But sometimes to recover you have to go past your comfort zone

Any thoughts? Anyone else relate?

After I completed the weapon training he had me look over the cliff with the spy glass.

He had me check out Soya port and then I was confused on the other location. I think he had me scan the Sake House.

I completed the port and then went to the Sake House.

Either I had already claimed it or no enemies where there.

So I went back to the dojo and I couldn't find him.

Also, he basically told me that he couldn't do it himself and was honored to have me do it.

But... When I watched the YouTube video he instead had someone scan a fire pit. I went exactly where the firepit was in the video and it's not there. the monologue was completely different and this time he was going to help more?

The dojo guy is just gone and there is nothing to scan..

I'm really lost. Why does my mission not match up to what the guide and video are showing?

I am not entirely sure what to do next. I am reaching two years of recovery.

I am going to start with what I've done and then what is ongoing.

A couple months after the first concussion it was clear I was not recovering well, so I saw a Neurologist. From there I was sent to physical therapy and a Nuero optometrist. I also had a CT scan of my head which came out clear.

Early Drs were quick to downplay things and just tell me to go home and rest, but after I saw the neurologist I started to get more help.

Nuero optometrist caught some things. Added prism to my glasses, suggested vision therapy. I couldn't afford it and I still can't. So I did not do the VT.

Physical therapy split between vestibular and overall exercise intolerance. Vestibular therapy lasted only so long before I was released to just have the one PT. After a while the $75 per session got a lot. I got the jift at the time and stopped going. Around that time I started therapy for anxiety.

I decided the anxiety / nervous system stuff.. was a major issue for me. A psych had me try three different meds and it was awful. So I ended up in weekly therapy, which I am still doing.

Throughout all of this I was in a job that had burned me out and was a high stress environment. I felt I was always in flight or fight mode.

So now with what is currently going on.

About a month ago I started a new job. Exactly what I needed honestly. Work stress has dropped significantly.

I am dealing with multiple factors. Exercise intolerance, Overstimulation, irritability, significant upper back shoulder and neck pain, vision blur and sensitivity to light, faint/lightheadedness and losing my words... Also chronic issues with constipation.

I am starting EMDR and I am seeing a cardiologist this next week. I am also revisiting a Nuero optometrist since it has been about a year and a half.

The Neurologist never requested or suggested a follow-up. The EMDR therapist I just met last week knows a lot about concussions and was a bit shocked that I hadn't revisited the Neurologist since the symptoms are continuing to impact my life.

I am almost convinced I have dysautonomia issues and I am honestly eager for the stress and tilt test. However, even looking at my hr response when sitting and standing I am uncertain that is the issue. I am a bit concerned I might be told I am okay, which will leave me to then question wtf is wrong with me.

So I guess the goal is to see the cardiologist and based on what I learn I'll revisit the Neurologist.

I get faint, a bit dizzy, overstimulated, vision changes.. almost daily by 12 or 1pm. Sometimes sooner depending on the day. I don't feel safe to drive most days after work. I go on walks and feel dizzy. I tried running and would get extremely restless, dissociated, etc hours later. Weirdly enough at the moment my neck and shoulders seem okay, but I normally am in significant pain and even after all this time I barely do any upper body workouts.

Distinguishing from how my nervous system is impacting my body and actually health issues has become very difficult.

My EMDR therapist even wondered if I had some kind of hypermobility thing going on. My wife is telling me I should see a GI specialist. My allergies are killing me.

I am just a bit lost honestly. Any advice? I sort of wish I could just get diagnosed with something other than anxiety. POTS, Hypermobility, neck issue, GI issue, idk.. because how can my nervous system alone be creating this much havoc. Definitely with Therapy helping me so much.

But I can't just go see every Dr imaginable and everything must first go through my primary. Which then leads to feeling like I really have to advocate for myself.

To add I've tested my BP and HR throughout the day and in struggling to feel confident on autonomic issues, but then I wouldn't know what else. Cardiologist will help narrow some of this down, but I'm concerned they will say I seem healthy.

I am not looking for a diagnosis online, to be clear. I have an appointment with a cardiologist in about a month. I hope we can sort out exactly what is going on.

So two things I have noticed.

Very early in my concussion recovery I would get extremely dizzy and have big flair-ups just walking. Now not as much. Actually recently I have been experiencing dizziness and blurred vision when I take walks. Definitely after I have worked a full day. I work in IT.

But what I really am noticing more recently is that I get symptoms hours after cardio. I stopped running, but I noticed that when I ran I would get back and have some dizziness, but nothing terrible. I could meditate, cool down, etc.. But hours later I would start feeling very restless, over-stimulated, my vision would blurr, and I just couldn't function. I had to pull back. When I told my PCP about this she was concerned and decided to schedule the cardiologist apt. Mentioned Dysautonomia. First time I had heard of it.

The other thing I've noticed is daily symptoms. Around 12-2pm daily I start to feel fatigued. Its not that I don't have symptoms in the morning, but this is when I really start having issues. My vision will blur, I can start to feel faint and tired, I get over stimulated.. my vision gets sensitive to the light.

The other day I ate chicken jerky and suddenly felt a bit better. So this week I started testing out using more electrolytes and eating protein snacks with sodium. I honestly felt a difference, but not a cure. Maybe the cardiologist will be able to give better advice.

I noticed the other day I drank 80z of water and I felt very faint. I was confused, because the first 40oz I had a hydration pack, but maybe another 40 of straight water diluted things too much in my system.

So I am wondering if I do have something autonomic going on and if so if there are things I can do to help with this.

I know I am dealing with a mix of things due to my concussion, but I am interested if anyone has experience something similar and if they where told they had autonomic issues? What helped?

I am honestly interested, because if more electrolytics, protein, and sodium help me, then that is a good sign that am having long lasting autonomic issues.

edit: now that I think of it.. I just read that these issues can cause stomach problems which has definitely been of a problem since the concussion. and also I get faint leading up to meals. I work with people who don't eat breakfast or fast or skip a meal a day. I can't fathom, Id get too faint. my wife knows I'm hungry when I get tired and start acting a bit loopy.

I live in NC which is already bad for allergies, but as and adult I noticed I hadn't had many issues.

This year I had some of the worst allergies of my life during the spring.

I started antihistamines daily.

Fexofenadine has worked for me well and not made me drowsy.

So it felt like things were more under control.

Then one day early in the year I had the worst allergies of my life and it last one days.. but the days after I'll have congestion and feel a bit offz but it's mostly gone.

This then started happening repeatedly for what felt like once a month.

I'll sneeze uncontrollably all day non-stop. Eyes watery, coughing. I noticed I started having to work stones after the fact. It always happens on the worst days. Like a big interview I had. Or my parents came into town yesterday and I was a mess all day.

I end up drowsy and unable to do much at all. Like thousands of tiny knives are pocking the inside of my nose.

I'll try to flush but it only makes things worse. I tried a nose spray for allergies and it only made be very drowsy. I was still sneezing.

So I don't understand what's going on. There may be a pattern of either a major shift in the weather or a day we were cleaning a lot.

I have always been allergic to cats, but we have one and I got used to him. Maybe when we vacuum and clean it knocks it all up in the air. Otherwise I am usually fine. Literally no symptoms.

It's like I sneezing uncontrollably all day non-stop until I'm too tired to stay awake.

I am experiencing post concussion syndrome (almost two years) and that could impact things

But last year I didn't have this. This is new.

I don't know what an allergist would even tell me.

I guess I could count myself lucky it is not all the time. But when I happens I'm unable to do anything. It's very miserable. I'd rather just be sick so Id at least have an excuse to not show up to work

I never thought it would be an issue for me.

However today I learned something that I guess might be obvious but was not obvious to me.

A telescope basically proves the universe has been around for billions of years.

We can literally see billions of years in the past because of the speed of light.

This means that either God created an universe that was aged or that things have really been moving for billions of years.

So what happened? Humans evolved just enough for God to bestow a soul into us?

God was the big bang? The person who out things motion.

Humans have existed just a blimp of how long the universe has been expanding. So what? God started all of this billions of years ago knowing it would eventually put us in motion?

We really think we are that important then?

It's hard to deny evidence that things have been around a long time.

But the brings to question why us? Why like this?

I guess I don't struggle to believe that there is a god but I do struggle to believe we are eternal spirit beings that came from billions of years of evolution.

I'm a 33m and haven't read much since highschool

I have hobbies. I okay guitar, like photography, collect vinyls, have plants on my balcony, like tea, play some video games and watch TV. I also enjoy cycling.

But reading...

I even like going to boom stores and libraries. We have a lot of books in our house. I started pet cemetery which I think is fantastic. But I stopped about pages in.

I don't know why. A thought I hate to admit is that often I don't see the point. I have limited time and when I have time to relax reading does not seem relaxing.

I feel I'm missing out on something very enriching and important. Yet I just don't truly want to read?

But I want to want to read.

Do I have a lack of interest to learn new things? That isn't a trait I want.

Enough with my venting.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How did you handle it?

Audio books don't make a lot of sense to me, because I'd rather listen to music in the car or while I'm cycling, then a book.

So my identical twin goes and gets married to someone who refused to meet me and my wife, throughout their entire relationship. We just happened to run into them during a concert and talked for maybe 5 minutes, maybe over a year before the got married.

There is so much that happened during their relationship that I could share. But I'll try to narrow in a bit.

My entire family warned him before the marriage. My dad drove 6 hours, from out of state, to have a heart to heart with him.

Throughout their relationship my brother called me or confided in person many times. It would lead to me telling him that he deserved better. He would cry and admit it was awful. Several times admitting he should probably leave. Yet didn't.

My wife and I had basically a intervention with him where he admitted he had a thought out get out plan if it didn't work. This was 3months or so before their wedding! Again I told him that it was a clear sign it wasn't right.

We offered every help we could think of. We would help him move his things. Let him keep important stuff at our place while he figure out where to go. I told him I'd drop everything to help him get out.

She is controlling and abusive. I found his reddit and he posts so much about how miserable he is. He was miserable since the beginning of the relationship. His wife is controlling, manipulating, sets ultimatums, has punched with wall, etc.

She wants kids asap with him, but has told him that she and their future children will never have any contact with his family. Not me (who lives 20 minutes away) my wife or any of our immediate family..

He knows it's wrong. He doesn't want this.. yet he can't leave her. It's a parent/child situation

Closer to the wedding I called, texted, etc. My family all did. He ignored all of us.

It's been months and there is no contact. We had always been close. I told him that if he went through with this, my wife and I, needed to protect ourselves from a toxic situation and would need to back off. The situation had caused so much grief and anxiety for us.

Now idk WTF he wants for me. He calls my mom and says how awful he feels... Yet he is still with her. His wife demanded he call my parents and tell them how unacceptable their behavior is, so he did. But he told my mom he didn't agree.

My parents are all about love. So they won't really call him out. They are coming into town and wondered if we would all be comfortable getting together

I called my mom and we discussed the situation. My wife and I do not feel comfortable being around him. It's understood that when I see him next that I'm going to tell him how it is. I'm not going to pretend everything is okay.

I had to listen to my mom on the phone talk about how much she loved and cared for my brother when we were kids and how she doesn't know what went happened. Breaks my heart.

My brother doesn't have the spine to stand up for his family and for himself and walk out.

So I don't know what he expects from me. He doesn't know what to say either I think.

He can apologize, say the situation sucks, but as long as he is in this relationship he is accepting something very insulting.

Even his own therapist warned him about marrying her and now is warning him against having kids with her.

I don't even know what the ring looks like, or how they proposed, or any wedding pictures. They got married completely alone. No family or friends. No public announcement or anything.

Holidays are unavoidable so neither my wife or myself have any idea what to do. Because even with time I feel I need to speak my mind. It could make him upset and even want to leave.

So I've thought that maybe I need to meet with him alone to talk this out and ask him what he expects. Also how we are supposed to handle our relationship if he doesn't leave her. Because I don't even know what I'm supposed to do.

Allowing him into our lives brings so much pain. It's almost better for my wife and I to have strict boundaries with him. Everytime we see him we expect him to be miserable and to vent about something. But he won't leave! And the situation is so absurd, I can't just not call him out on it.

He is a social worker. He knows the help he could get. I've given him resources and phone lines in case of an emergency or need of help.

Tl:Dr

My brother married someone who wants nothing to do with me or my entire family. Wants to have kids and never wants any of us to see them. My brother was miserable from the beginning. He doesn't agree with her, but is a doormat. We all warned him prior to the wedding and he went through with it. Now he feels bad for hurting the family and for not being able to stand up for himself. Yet he can't bring himself to leave her or say no to her. We haven't talked since the wedding. With holidays coming up I have no idea how to handle it.

Of course his partner will never join us, but having to be in the same room with my brother is a lot. We were always close and I feel completely betrayed. It's been so hurtful for the family. I cried for the pain my mother feels yesterday. I want him to leave and reconnect. I want him to free himself from this, because he has so much potential for a happy life. But he has proven time and time again that he doesn't seem able to make hard decisions.

And I've tried so hard to be there for him. My wife and I both feel we have given him so much and there is a time to step back so we did. But now we have to face holidays and family stuff around him.

Over a year ago I saw a neuro optimistrist and was told I needed vision therapy to help.

They have me down for having for

Intermittent alternating exotropia

Accommodative insufficiency

I got prism added to my prescription as well.

Over a year later and I'm becoming convinced I may not be able to avoid doing the vision therapy.

Problem is the cost. The place told me $4-6k.

My current insurance doesn't cover. Most or none do.

That's crazy! We don't have that kind of money..

Yet I feel like I may have to choose between doing this or dealing with ongoing eye issues.

Anyone else experience this? Any alternatives? Is this something I should shop around for? Or fairly standard?

I heard some places may give reduced cost options by doing more at home?

The game started strong for me. Warning spoilers up to a point...

I didn't mind playing Abby a bit at first. Or early decisions they made with the story

I initially thought I liked it more. I think the game peaked for me after the flashback where they were at the museum.

After that the story felt slower and things started to feel like a slog.

I kept getting annoyed on the long sequences. I don't want to sound lame, but some of those sequences where just long and hard and it started to kill the momentum for me.

Then it picked up a bit and I hit a climax of Abby showing up.. to then be thrown into her shoes.

I played for about 40 minutes hoping it was a quick thing. I want to know what happens..

I looked it up and learned there was like 15 hours of Abby?? Hell no.. I thought it was a quick thing.

I was already struggling to stay with the game.

I don't know if I can keep playing lol.

I play maybe a couple hours a week. I liked the first game. It wasn't too long and kept me engaged.

I've been ready for this one to be over for the last 4 hours of gameplay. I felt relieved to see Abby and hope the story would conclude. But no!

I'm venting, but wondering if I'm alone.

I'm half tempted to watch the rest on YouTube

There is a music store near me that carries tagima's. The tw-55 played nice enough. Unfortunately they went out of stock right when I almsor bought one.

I went to a music store today with a ton of used guitars and played an artcore as73 for fun. Was suddenly torn.

But these are two completely different beasts

The artcore was $350 used.

The tagima is new and professionally setup because it's a legit locally owned business. I just need to wait for them to have it back in stock.

I like a lot of different stuff.

Anything for. Talking heads, david Bowie, Jack white, Alabama shakes, etc.

Clean tones that go well with effects and a good breakup tone. I don't play anything too hard.

Im torn. I can't find a class vibe tele for anywhere under almost $500 even used.

I was sold on the tele idea, until I played the semi hollow and thought about how I always wanted to try one.

For context I don't have an electric right now. I played a strat for over a decade and sold it and now I'm wanting to get back into playing again

I have about 6 years of experience in IT.

About 19 months ago I took a job as a sole tech at a k12 school. Mistake! Yeah, some of you may have had not as bad experiences. This school is an exception. Almost all staff were telling me it was an unusually bad situation.

Yet even so, I was paid poorly and could barely take PTO or get sick without panic. I worked salary and had an always on expectation.

Management crossed several boundaries, such as spamming me on my personal number for a weekend over a copier for an example.

I got burned out quickly in the role. 6-8months in started looking for an exit.

What a nightmare. 19months totals at that job. the worst working experience of my life. the stress impacted every aspect of my life.

2nd day back on a team and I forgot what it is like to work in a normal environment. Place isn't on fire, not everything is my fault, people are actually nice to me.

I legit felt like I was waiting for the shoe to drop the first day. I forgot what normal felt like. I kept expecting people to not like me, for there to be aggression my way, for me to walk into a chaotic environment.

Now my old place is calling and texting me about admin access when I set them up for success. They just didn't listen. I'm considering blocking their numbers. I'm gone.

Idk how anyone does it. I made a promise to myself that I'd never take a sole tech job again. Ever!

It's like leaving an abusive relationship and finding a healthy relationship, and just wondering why they aren't abusing you yet lol.

I'm not saying things are going to be easy and that the new job won't have its own issues, but finding a good employee just changed me life.

I don't know why I'm sharing, other then to vent.

I'm about 18 months out from two concussions that resulted in post-concussion syndrome, and I'm honestly feeling stuck trying to figure out what the next step is. I feel like I hit a plateau.

Around 3 months after my injuries, I saw a neurologist who referred me to a neuro-optometrist. They diagnosed visual issues, prescribed prism (which have helped), and recommended vision therapy. Unfortunately, I was quoted around $4,000-$6,000 for treatment, which I simply couldn't afford, so I never pursued it.

Around the same time, I also

- Completed physical therapy for exercise intolerance, where we worked on heart rate threshold training.

• Saw a vestibular PT, who discharged me after a few sessions

About a year ago, I shifted my focus toward the anxiety side of things. I started weekly therapy (which I'm still doing), saw a psychiatrist, and unfortunately reacted poorly to three different anxiety medications, so medication isn't really an option for me right now.

Unless of 6 months of time maybe has provided enough time to try again. Idk. We did lowest doses of Lexapro, Prozac, and buspar

Fast forward to today, and I'm still dealing with three main issues:

1. Exercise intolerance If I push myself too hard (especially running), I often don't feel terrible immediately. Instead, several hours later I'll get dizzy, dissociated, blurry vision, restlessness, and feel like my nervous system just can't calm down. My PCP is concerned enough that she referred me to a cardiologist for a stress test to evaluate possible autonomic dysfunction, but my appointment isn't until September.

2. Vision problems As the day goes on (usually around 1-2 PM), my vision starts getting blurrier. Stress makes me more light sensitive. Video games, long car rides, and movie theaters can all make me dizzy or worsen my symptoms.

3. Sensory/stress response This has become more noticeable recently. During stressful conversations, I can literally feel my neck tighten up. If I lightly bump my head, my body seems to go into panic mode even if I know I didn't reinjure myself. I've also noticed that sometimes if someone simply touches my arm, I feel incredibly irritated or overwhelmed, not because I'm upset with them, but because the sensation itself feels like too much. Busy environments with multiple conversations happening at once are also overwhelming.

Therapy has definitely helped me with the cognitive side of anxiety, but I still feel like my body is staying in this heightened state of tension and reactivity.

So now I'm trying to decide where to go from here.

Part of me thinks I should finally revisit vision therapy since my visual symptoms are still significant. The problem is the cost.

The other part of me wonders if EMDR might actually be the better next step because so much of what I'm dealing with now feels like my nervous system is overreacting to stress and sensory. I don't mean that my symptoms are "just anxiety", know I still have legitimate concussion-related issues, but I also wonder if emdr could really help.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation this far out? If you had to choose between pursuing vision therapy, EMDR, or another avenue entirely, what ended up making the biggest difference?

For right now I'm pulling back to low impact exercises. I meditate, do light PT, eat well, take supplements. I haven't tried creatine, but some people swear by it?

I'm nervous about emdr. That it'll create flair ups and make it hard to do my job. Plus I'm starting a new job this next week.

But at the same time I am not sure about vision therapy due to the cost. Anyone find a way to get around the cost?

I'm feeling a bit lost right now. Any suggestions?

No offense, but how do people actually accept that?

I'm a pastors kid and never could wrap my head around it.

I deconstructed as an adult and no longer believe in hell and I don't know if I ever truly did.

I have a theory that the majority of Christians actually don't believe in hell. At least an eternal torment version. I think most hope that if there is something separate from heaven, that it isn't too bad. Otherwise, how could they accept that people they knew and loved died unsaved and are damned for eternity?

I was talking to my wife about this just yesterday. I must have grew up in religious spaces that took the afterlife more seriously. That is what it was all about.. where you were going after you died.

We both remain Christian but progressive. My wife doesn't really think much about the afterlife.

I asked her if she was not raised with that obsession. She said that there were churches her parents took her that did focus on hell, but that they moved to non-denominational churches where the focus was more on the love of Jesus.

We both can't stomach evangelicalism anymore either way.

But I said that I doubt that many even believed in their version of hell. Why? Well if a church believed that people where truly going to be tormented brutally forever, would that not break them? Make them sorrowful and frantic to save people?

In the news I saw that parents where arrested for child abuse(I think 16 kids). You may have seen it. Horrible! It's so awful to see.

I told my wife that people feel so horrible for those child's and what they went through, what if those kids don't know the Lord?

So the point is.. we see awful things in the news and feel terrible. Yet people "believe" in hell and are not freaking out over every death that leads to eternal punishment.

In the end. How cruel would reality have to be to allow that? And a God who created that reality? What kind of evil would allow for that to exist?

For just not believing like me? With how complicated the world is.

I truly believe that someone must be insane to believe in hell and a good God at the same time. And maybe that is why it's easier for people to look over crimes against humanity for people who don't look like them, vote like them, and worship like them.

No offense to anyone, but I ever got it.

^(After 18 months I'm still have significant responses to cardio such as running. I mean things have changed. It used to be that id get so dizzy that I could not stay in the sidewalk. Now I can only run for like 30 seconds at a time before my hr gets about 130bpm. So even like a mile and I will feel a little dizzy. Okay fine, but then it's like my body can't calm down. At first it's not a big deal. Hours later I get extremely restless, I'll get dizzy, can't see right, etc.)

^(Basically if I run them I expect the rest of my day I am not able to do much. Even with meditation, calming tea, etc.)

^(I followed up with my PCP and explained my continued concussion symptoms. She stopped me and said that while everything I was saying is important, what she is most concerned about it my response to exercise.)

^(So now I'm going to get a stress test from a cardiologist. The thought is that I might have a autonomic dysregulation issue. If so then my body can't handle intensive well.)

^(However I also get really messed up shoulders, neck and upper back from strength training.)

^(I have done PT, but I feel like I've hit a plateau recently.)

^(I'm so tired of pushing myself and getting bad side effects)

^(I'm so close to just pulling back everything and doing low impact stuff.)

^(I'm starting to wonder if I need to adjust my expectations for fitness. I have a full life with work and being married. I can't deal with these symptoms.)

^(Yet I know the advice is that you need to push some to get better.)

^(But at what point do I accept that I have some issue and I need to live within it?)

^(If I have an autonomic issue then maybe I do need to change how I exercise completely)

I had a concussion about 18 months ago and it lead to post concussion syndrome.

I'm doing better but not 100%

I recently felt chills listening to a song and realized that I hadn't felt chills like that for a long time. I also had a few moments recently where I felt like I had an answer to prayer.

I then began to remember my PCS journey. How dead I felt. Just hollow. Lack of emotions I guess. Detached..

I remember as time went on Id feel something I hadn't felt in a long time and it even if it was sad or happy, I would feel success. Like a good cry was amazing.

I've never been one to overly connect my emotions to my faith. However, something just felt wrong. Like if I had any connection to the spiritual it was broken.

I can't really put in unto words. I think I have begun to forget some details when things where really bad. It was hell tbh.

I also guess I have never felt severe neurological side effects. Vertigo, detachment, dissociation, restless, the worst nightmares of my life, consistent sleep paralysis. People have it worse then I did, but still it was fairly awful. I am not expressing for pitty. Not looking for that.

I'm more wondering if anyone else has experienced this or something similar.

Idk. It made me realize how much we are really just our brain? Whatever feeling I had that felt spiritual was gone. So now that I have it back I'm questioning it.

Yet again I never tried to connect feelings with spiritual. But at the end of the day how else do we feel connected to God? chills when we are in nature or listening to a good song? Love from our family and friends? Etc.

I am seeing a cardiologist for a stress test. Which I think is a good idea after trying to push through cardio and fitness for 18months and still feeling so limited.

I tried to start running. Early in the concussion I ran some. I need to slow down when I was getting dizzy. Id literally start struggling to stay on the sidewalk.

Honestly I ended up using a stationary bike and would still have to keep my HR under a certain amount and have a long cool down.

My work got too stressful. Thankfully I just accepted an offer elsewhere. I needed the change. I was a sole tech and the pressure of responsibility and availability was to much for me to handle with the PCS.

So now, 18 months later, I started trying to run again. I don't let my HR go above about 130hr. About what my PT told me 6-8months ago.

You would think there would be improvement since, but I am not sure.

So when I run I can only do it for 30 seconds before hitting my max hr and needing to slow down and walk. Physical I feel fine. I don't want to stop. I feel like I could keep going... I don't have heavy breathing or pain or even get that dizzy.

What happens is that when I get back, I am mildly dizzy. Sometimes I even meditate to bring me down. It can be hard to get my brain to slow down after.

The real issue comes an hour or several hours later. And it lasts most of the day and I usually wake up feeling mostly okay.

So several hours later I get extremely restless. I'll get dizzy, blurred eyesight, and feel dissociated. I can't drive at that point and I struggle to do anything. I noticed attempts to calm down like magnesium, meditation, lemon balm, etc is not as successful.

But happens every time I try to do any cardio now it seems.

On top of that I can't seem to do much strength training still. I get extremely stiff, definitely in my back and shoulders. Yesterday I did bridges and later I felt almost sick achy.

The exercise intolerance hasn't budged much at all. My primary is concerned over my health. I also am concerned. I used to be fairly fit and now I can't do much without it greatly impacting my day.

Ant advice? Maybe the stress test will help find solutions

I'm the sole IT person for a smaller high school. 450+ users no assistant, no backup. Pay: $56k this past year.

A month ago I was solo managing end of year device deployment and testing prep, showing up nearly an hour early every day for weeks and staying later when needed, while doing my other normal tech duties. The day after graduation weekend, a staff account got compromised and triggered a domain-wide phishing attack. I lost most of my Sunday, had my one day off that week interrupted repeatedly, then worked a 15-hour day, a full day, and a 10-hour day to fully contain it.

It ruined my ability to be fully present for my wife's birthday and I lost time that I tried to take to decompress and recover after a busy season at work.

That Thursday I also got handed my new employment agreement with zero stated deadline.

Friday evening, that week, I had a personal commitment. Starting around 5pm my boss began texting and calling about a copier that stopped scanning to email. It continued past 7pm. The last text said the employment agreement was also due that day.. first time anyone mentioned a deadline.

I didn't respond. I needed the weekend.

Before I move forward I want to express something. I have been trying to leave this job for a year now. I got burned out a year ago and I've felt like I've been crawling ever since. The beginning of the school year I had a completely breakdown and went back to therapy. Weekly therapy all school year. The job is so thankless and the expectations are absurd for the pay and for being a solo tech. So leading up to this I was literally at the end of my rope. I could barely get off the couch that weekend. My therapist, my wife, my family, all encouraged me to set stronger boundaries and that weekend I decided I was not going to stop my personal time to fix a copier machine and that it could wait until Monday/Tuesday.

Monday I worked remotely due to a medical appointment, communicated in advance. Tuesday I fixed the scanner first thing, signed the agreement, and was ready to turn it in.

At schools you sign a yearly employment agreement. I had mine on my desk and was ready to walk it down to the boss, when she came to me.

So I started off with "Hey boss! I was just about to walk this down to you, I ..." interrupted. Boss says we need to talk... Then I get the lecture.

I learn that over the weekend my boss considered tracking down my wife's contact information to reach me. She "looked into my wife" to find info, but did not contact.

I was then told one or more board members had discussed posting my position because they'd "lost trust" in my reliability after one weekend of silence. My boss clearly created a panic over the weekend over my availability.

I found out afterward the job posting actually went up Sunday, two days before that conversation even happened. The "conversation" was just them informing me of a decision already made, but it was not made clear to me that the posting was up.

I expressed exhaustion, even admitted to burnout. I expressed that I was experiencing health issues as well that needed rest. Which is true, I have post concussion syndrome and she knows it. It has been going on for 18 months, but people who are not aware of PCS don't realize it can last years. The stress of testing season and the security event 100% lead to me needing to relax for a weekend.

Yet that was not enough. She struggled to find a way to "advocate" for me to the board. I got lectured on the job contract, which she said stated my availability. That this was not a 9-5 job and I needed to be more available. She used a past tech as an example, who was a retired seasoned IT professional who poured himself into the school outside of normal working hours. She said the job took perseverance. She said she was concerned that something happened to me.

BTW, the contract is vague on availability. It does not explicitly state I must be available over weekends or 24/7. I could not find any language in the contract that she could technically hold me too.

All of this over a copier machine?? I know a lot of you are not techs, but a copier machine is not a critical issue and I know most people know that. My therapist was in shock when I explained the weekend. My parents, inlaws, everyone I told could not believe how insane my boss had responded. At minimum it could have been a conversation discussing availability.

Instead it was a refusal to accept my year loaner agreement, which again they know I had no clue it was due that evening and just wanted the weekend to review. They left me on limbo all week and never followed up. If they don't let me renew before the end of the month I would not have a job.

The most petty, egocentric, behavior I have ever seen from a boss. Talk about looking info on my wife, telling me about perseverance after what I've overcome this last year, comparing me to a unicorn tech they had, threatening my job over normal weekend boundaries. I stayed professional.

But the good news! I confirmed a job offer yesterday. So they think they are hanging this over my head, but in reality I am walking in monday with my resignation. They have made no progress to replace me and will soon have no tech at all. They can't live without me for one day, or a weekend, without threatenomg my job over it? I hope they enjoy scrambling to replace me.

I am honestly lucky. I could still be at their mercy to keep me employed because I need health insurance and the income.

The relief I felt after I got the job offer was the best feeling I've had in years. The satisfaction of turning in my two week notice, while they are still deciding my fate is going to be great.

It may seem clear that they were planning to let me go, but the way the school operates, its more likely they have the job posting up to collect applicants while they figure out what to do. Either way, I am out.

What a miserable place to work. So many teachers and staff have admitted to me that it is the worst school environment they have ever dealt with and there is high burnout problem. A teacher of 18 years said it did him in and he left teaching all together.

I just wanted to share to get this off my chest a bit. New job says it is fairly chill and a team based environment, which is exactly what I need after dealing with this job.

edit:

I am getting a lot of responses on how I should leave.

Here is some info. I technically already got paid for this month. We have the last week of the month off. Even a professional notice would only have me working till the end of this next week. However, I want to avoid being asked to tie things up on the week we are supposed to have off. So my thought was that this next Friday was going to be my last day.

I will not notify them of my next employer. In fact I will not even mention I have a new job. If asked I am not sure what to say to bypass the question. I will also not update my linkedin of my new job for a while after leaving.

However I am being told to
do the professional two weeks and keep my head down
to just walk in monday, grab my things, and say bye
to not say anything and day bye friday

My concerns. If they plan to let me go, or decide to sometime this week, they will for sure sit me down and tell me. If I hold onto a notice, then I risk getting let go or fired. Then I don't get to leave on my own terms.

If I walk in, grab my things, say FU and leave then that could lead to retaliation.

I am more included to give the week notice, keep my head down, and leave Friday. Don't give them extra time and politely say no if they request more out of me then I am willing to give that last week. I would spare the whole "telling them what I think" becuase I would rather not deal with them escalating things and potentially even trying to sabotage me.

Hey all, this is following up on a post I made several days ago. It blew up a bit and honestly after consideration I removed the post. I felt very validated, but I knew that if it got back to me at work it would just make my life more miserable.

I will try to make things brief.

After a very busy month where I worked long hours I hit an exhaustion point. I work for a school and I am the one tech. I make sure testing can happen so the last month of the year gets intense. The day after graduation our school dealt with a compromised account which lead to mass phishing emails. I acted fast to work on it and contain the situation. It was an entire week ordeal where I worked long hours and sacrificed much of my weekend. (I am not a cyber professional btw, I get paid 55k to do this job. I brought in the state. My respond time was tied to the states response time)

Two things happened. On Thursday I was given my yearly employee agreement. I worked 10 hours that day to wrap up the security incident. I decided to hold it over the weekend to review and turn it in.

That Friday evening my boss spam called and texted me from 5-7pm about a copier issue. They could not scan to email. Their last text was to telling me that I was supposed to turn in the employee agreement.

I was so exhuasted. In hindsight it would have been appropriate to at least send a message saying that I would take action immediately the following week. I left the boss on read though.

Tuesday, after I had fixed the scanner issue and signed the employment agreement, my boss enters my office to lecture me.

In short, I am supposed to be available at all times and it was an emergency. She says it was.. to me it was not. If she has something that needed scanned that evening then she could have done it elsewhere if it was that important. She said I signed the contract.

I re-read it since the conversation and honestly can not point to strong wording on my availability. I make 55k and the expectation to drop everything for something like a copier seems absurd. After the month I had I was beyond burned out. On top of everything I felt very proud of how smooth testing went and how I was able to get us through the cybersecurity incident.

There is more to this, maybe some of you remember from the past post. The point of this post is to address what I might want to do. I work in NC and we have almost no rights. They can fire us for any reason at all.

Two things.

I was not aware that there was a due date until this past Friday. It was not something communicated to me. The Vice principle messaged me on Tuesday if I had signed it and I said I did and that it was on my desk. That I was going to turn it in that day. So there is a paper trail of that. I was not in person Monday and they knew that before hand. I had Dr apts.

The other things is that the contract really is just not clear enough and if my boss wants to threaten my position over a legality on my contract she needs to be more specific.

The conversation happened on Tuesday okay.. yet I find that the job position was already posted Sunday. So they had already freaked out enough to start receiving job applicants. After this conversation my boss has not followed up with me. We have a three day weekend and we have the last week of the month off. So next week is my last week and unless they allow me to turn in my employment agreement I will not have a job come July. Side note is that as far as I know they are no where close to replacing me either so if they let me go they will suddenly have no tech at all. They can't live without a tech for one day without blowing a lid, so I don't know what they are up to.

However, the way the school works, is that they will put your position up before they make the commitment to let you go. It is a safety thing on their end. I haven't seen that before, but they do that. So it doesn't prove that they are 100% on a decision, but it points to it.

Also at least one board pushed this. The boss and some board members got worked up for my not being available over one weekend. After all the hard work I have put into the role. I have good relationships with most teachers and staff. No one will see this coming, but my boss.

On Tuesday when we had the conversation I decided to choose my words very carefully. I am trying to buy myself as much time as possible. So even if I want to speak my mind, I realize that sometimes the satisfaction is only temporary and the long-term best choice is to be more careful. I told her I understand and that I would very much like to continue the role with a new understanding of expectation with communication.

I did write an email recounting our conversation for a paper trail, but I decided not to send. Every time I went to edit I saw more ways the boss would just use it against me. If she wants to fire me then I am not going to talk her out of it.

Her silence this week means she is either convinced on the decision, but wont tell me becuase she doesnt want to lose me prematurely. Or that they don't know what to do at all.

I feel maybe I need to do something. I can ask for an update from our conversation this last week when I am back in on monday? I could ask that she point to where the contract shows my availability? I could challenge her, but what good will that do?

I don't really know what to do in this spot. I know that even if they keep me I am going when I can. I cant go jobless, but I also will work on leaving this situation.

Either I say something, or just let there be silence until they tell me what is going on. I already told them I understood and that going forward I would communicate better. I feel that if I poke the hornets nest at all it'll just be more ammo. If that is the case I'm probably already gone.

It is the most insane situation ive ever experienced. I really don't know how to handle this. Any advice?

Edit: I wanted to add that it was clear during my conversation Tuesday that the decision was not completely made. So I am in limbo on a final answer on what is happening. Also, for example, a math teacher told the school that they had some things going on and needed time to sign the agreement. The school put their position up and held it like that for weeks without doing anything. So my job being up doesn't prove that have made a decision, but it means they are prepping for it if they do make the decision.

So I work for a highschool. I am the only tech. Technically my job title is IT Director/ Coordinator. I get paid 55k to do everything and I'm always overwhelmed and burned out. I've been try to leave for a year. (Interviews this week "crossing fingers" )

I could say so much, but the last month was horrible. End of year testing is stresfull. I manage a large fleet of chromebooks on my own and was running around like a nut for 3+ weeks to make testing happen. Showing up to work almost an hour early for two weeks in a row and the dealing with poor communication and last minute changes prior to testing that made me scramble to make things work.

So graduation happened this past weekend and I thought I finally would have a break. I took off the Monday to enjoy time with my wife for her birthday. The next day (after graduation) a teacher's account got compromised and phishing emails where blasted to the entire school. Bam.. I lost over half of my Sunday and had to stop to work several times on Monday. I had no true break. I then ended up working almost 15 hours on Tuesday and 10 hours Thursday when I finally wrapped things up and could say we contained the situation. I worked a normal 8-9 hours on Wednesday.

Oh and throughout this, my boss requested I do a thorough pull off all emails and chats from and about a student for legal matters. I submitted what I got in mbox files and she then later called me in the week wanting to view it. It was several gigs of data in separate mbox files. It was for legal matters so I never considered I needed to make it "clean" for my boss to read. A other unnecessary "emergency" that I didn't have time for.

on top of that the boss was in full panic and wanted an extreme response to the extent of finding out who targeted our school. again I'm one person and that request is unrealistic.

So here comes the situation Friday. For context she placed a paper employment agreement on my desk Thursday and I hadn't had a chance to to look as I was swamped. When you work for a school you sign a new one every year.

So I leave work Friday at 4:30pm which is already a bit later then my work hours. (3:45pm). I had a therapy appointment.

She texts me 5 minutes into my appointment (personal number) that she can't scan to email. Okay.. so I turn my phone over and continue my session. Then she calls me halfway through and I ignore. After I start driving home and she starts blasting me with text messages. I get home and it's like 6:15 and she tries to call me again. My wife and I locked eyes and said "hell no" after the week I had. I think she may have called me again but I put my phone on airplane mode. I checked later and she sent more texts.

The last text she sent was almost past 7pm. Saying I was supposed to turn in that employment agreement, but she never communicated any deadlines or even said anything to me about it. I just walked into my office and it was on my desk.

Reading the text messages further it seems my boss was trying to do something to fix the situation that made no sense. She grabbed SMTP relay server address not knowing what it was and tried using it to send a copy to the people she needed to receive it??

Made no sense.

I get payed salary so no overtime. My boss decided to interrupt my Friday over a copier? We

If it was an emergency there are places you can go to that will let you scan and send documents. Or even scan it with your phone. Or maybe she has a printer at home that scans.

I was done. I decided to go silent over the weekend.

Then Monday I had communicated that I had appointments and would be doing work from home when I could. I got several asking where I was and I had to remind them.

Tuesday I come in and fix the printer. turns out some changes to the DNS that were made for security purposes was causing issues with scanning. I got it fixed and I thorough read through my work agreement, signed it, and was about to walk over to the boss.

Boss shows up at my office and I'd rather not go into details.. The board and her were deeply concerned to the extent that they had asked for her to put the job posting up. Basically unless I could give my boss something to advocate I am toast.

I couldn't lie, I was honest. I said I am burned out and needed space. To her I had signed a contract to be available at all times and I could excuse it with being burned out. Even post concussion syndrome flair ups due to work stress probably won't save me and I hated even bringing that up. I told her that I felt very confident and proud of the work I had done over the last year and a half and that I if I am given the opportunity to continue I would be more responsive. I didn't intend to put up much of a fight, I really just wanted to buy myself more time

honestly, I don't feel bad. I shouldn't? I mean I take one weekend and I am toast? After everything I have done I go silent and then this?

I am treated like an entire IT Department. The response is that we all have large responsibilities, but everyone is burned out for a reason.

My fear is being let go in this job market! I don't know why I am sharing. Maybe becuase I want reasurrance I am not a bad worker? Maybe becuase I fear how this will impact my future?

Maybe becuase I don't know what to say to future employers? Maybe brutally honest? That I went silent one weekend and I was toad? That they need for availability was not working for me?