u/TechnicalMoney6234

My brother is 10 years older than me. And in this situation I would’ve been 5-7 and he was 15-17.
Me and my little brother were sleeping in his room. This was a privilege because he never let anyone in his room. My little brother was asleep and I was awake. My older brother was awake too and told me he couldn’t sleep. He asked me to play truth or dare and being a little kid I said yes. First true dares were harmless and then I couldn’t think of a dare. He said “I dare you to dare me to show you my d!ck” I said no because I felt uncomfortable. And then he said he was showing it but I closed my eyes. Then he tried to dare me to show him my vag!na and I said no. I was uncomfortable and decided to leave his room and as I was walking out he told me not to tell our mom.
I feel like I’m crazy but like idk he’s done and said other weird stuff to me as I got older and I always felt uncomfortable and he said I’m being manipulative when I get uncomfortable.

I’m writing this because I’ve just been thinking about it a lot and it makes me very angry and I feel like I’m an awful person for everything.
Last year I (18f) faced some hardship and my brother (28) decided it would be a nice thing to do to let me move in with him, his wife and their 1 year old. To “help me get on my feet” and since my brother and I were very close and like minded (or so I thought) I was pretty excited to get away from a toxic home life at my parents.
At first everything was great. I was looking for jobs and figuring out what my next steps in adulthood were and him and his wife were very encouraging and supportive. One thing I really wanted to do right after I graduated high school was to go visit my friends in a foreign country. I had been saving money for it prior to moving in with my brother. I had already bought the plane tickets and had been planning the whole thing out for an about year before all of this. This trip was very important to me because my mother had passed away right before I went and travel was something we both loved to talk about together. She supported my goals and knew I was going and was excited for me. So when she passed I was determined to do it to honor her in a way and make myself feel like I can do hard things.

Now I had a job before moving into his place but I had to quit because I didn’t have my license and no one was able to drive me to work. I found another job that worked with his work schedule and I used that to save more money and pay rent/pay for a car.
About a month of me living with him and things started to get weird. First it started with him transferring the car loan from my mom into his name so he could “help” me have a car once I got my license. (I was very happy about this but my mother was actually dying while he did this so it was hard to show pleasant emotions.) the deal was I’d slowly pay off the car but he’d cover whatever interest.

and then he said if he added another phone line to his family plan I could get a “cheaper” plan and a new phone. I thought “wow great cheaper and new! Thank you”
He said “download Life360 so you can be safer” and I agreed. (I would like to say he didn’t want life350 but he wanted me and his wife to have it. She eventually talked to him saying it wasn’t fair so he got it)
One time I wanted to work late and said my friend would drive me home. I was working extra so I could save more money.
He told me it made him uncomfortable and forced me to come home. (He came to pick me up)
I got fed up and deleted Life360 and when he checked on a drive to work he said “you deleted this?” In a very angry sounding tone and I said “yeah “ and he told me “you’re going to redownload it now” and so I did bc he kinda scared me.
He would come down to my room late at night and hit me with his lightsabers he got from Disneyworld.
(I was so depressed because of our moms passing all I wanted to do was sleep and rest when I could)
I’d tell him to stop and I was trying to sleep and I wanted space and he said “I just want attention if you don’t get me attention I’ll get worse”

I had been paying rent which was: 400
Paying the car which was :300
Paying for my “cheaper” phone: 100
And little things he’d add on I don’t really remember all of it
He was trying to help my get my license but we basically only drove and forth to work. I am grateful for that practice hours he gave me when he could.
But he’s turn around and say “I do so much for you. You’re not saying thank you enough”
In the morning I liked to listen to music with my AirPods. It helped me cope a lot and he would poke and pinch me while I sat next to him the whole to work and said he doesn’t like it when I don’t talk to him and I listen to music (again he’d bring up wanting attention and when I wouldn’t give it to him he’d get fake upset)
Things started getting weirder and weirder the longer I lived there. He was working on finishing his basement himself and my room was in the basement. I didn’t have a door and he’d make me help him sometimes.

Now i like to make dirty jokes sometimes and sometimes sexual ones. I’d crack some of those jokes around him and his wife because they were more chill than the rest of my very catholic family.
Whenever we were alone in the basement he would say “jokes” about how he thinks he caught me maturating. Or asking what kind of porn I watch. And that “it’s normal everyone watches it” and ofc he’d say that all of this was harmless “jokes” I know I’d make dirty jokes sometimes but I felt the difference. He’d never say this in front of his wife.
I brought it up to her and ask her to speak with him. When she did he said I was being manipulative and that I started with the jokes. I kinda understood that. I brushed it off as a misunderstanding.

Now I can’t quite remember all of what happened when. It’s really all jumbled together. (Partially because I was grieving and I think I was also being gaslit by him)

But it was around late June and he wrote me a letter how my trip makes him uncomfortable and how I’m selfish and using him because he’s helping me so much and I’m not grateful enough. I can see part of that. But I did not decide to do this trip randomly when I first moved in. I planned it a year in advance. I had already bought the flight tickets. I was set on this one thing to myself.
He would also always bring up his concerns when I was cornered. In the car, in my small room where there was only one exit. He would now allow me to leave sometimes. He would block me physically. He started doing this thing called him “getting punchy” when he was frustrated. Which was him basically hitting me to the point where it stung but wasn’t enough to cause terrible damage. Light punches but sometimes there would be a bruise or two from him hitting the same spot over and over. His wife explained it to me as “he does it when he’s frustrated he’s so quirky”

Leading up to my trip he basically didn’t talk to me. He was upset he didn’t get his way I guess.
I left and he didn’t respond to my goodbye text.
The things he did send me while I was there was TikTok news about the war in Iran. This country I visited had nothing to do with that. He did tell me if I left I’m not going to be able to make it back into the US because of Donald trump and travel bans and blah blah. Basically fear mongering me. But he didn’t speak to me the whole two and a half weeks I was there. I was so happy.

I get back and he’s stonewalling as usual so I don’t really care. I’m fed up at this point but I don’t have anywhere’s to go. My guy best friend asked me out on a date and I declined because he’s a little bit of an asshole and he just wanted me to come over to his place at night to “smoke and watch Netflix” so I felt that it be a little too inappropriate for a first date.
I was upset and talked to my sister in law (his wife) about how I thought he was a good friend and didn’t just think of me as someone he wanted to have sex with (dumb of me lol)
And my brother wasn’t at all including in this conversation but he said “you’re still talking about this? Just suck his sick already)
Now I know some siblings talk to each other like this and their dynamic. But this was not at all how we spoke to each other.
When I said we were close I mean like we shared similar beliefs and I was able to vent to him sometimes about things at home. Plus he’s 10 years older than me.

There’s so much I’ve left out and I’ll make a pert two because that stuff isn’t even that bad stuff.

I’d like to add that when I moved out he decided he didn’t want me to have the car (my mom wanted me to have it) so I invest 2k into it for nothing