u/Coach_Nikki

Hi guys! Looking to get your opinions on this: do you need to feel physically attracted to someone before you develop romantic feelings for them? Or have you ever had someone you initially felt neutral-or even unattracted -toward become genuinely attractive to you as you got to know them?

And if attraction can grow for you, what tends to create it? Emotional connection? Personality? Confidence? Chemistry? The way they treat you?

Basically: does attraction open the door to attachment for you, or can attachment create the attraction?

Interested in hearing different experiences, especially whether this has changed for you with age or relationship experience, etc...

For men whose wives/girlfriends lost interest in sex first, im wondering: how did you react at the beginning? How did you feel?

Not after years of resentment. Not after the same fight has appened 500 times over, but when you started noticing she wasn’t initiating anymore, wasn’t responding the same way, or even just flat out turned you down.

Did you feel rejected? Embarrassed? Confused? Angry? Did you try harder? Pull away? Pretend it didn’t bother you? Start questioning your attractiveness or masculinity?

And would your reaction be different knowing what you know now?

I saw a post that made me think about this a couple days ago, and it made me wonder how many men out there have experienced something similar.

She keeps on asking:

“How are you feeling?”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you busy right now?"

And your just like WHY do you keep ASKING me that??? Until (hopefully lololz) you realize theres actually a whole BUNCH of subtext going on there!!

Id love to hear what question your partner used to ask that you now understand was really asking something else entirely? And what was she ACTUALLY (albeit in a very roundabout way) trying to ask you...?

Apart from sex, what makes you feel wanted, desired, valued or etc...in a relationship?

What Common Phrases Often Mean When They’re Coming From an Avoidant Mindset

(A blunt translation guide for people who don’t naturally think this way.)

These are some phrases I think can take on a very specific meaning when they’re coming from a person w/ avoidant attachment.

They create distance.

They reduce vulnerability.

They shut down emotional pressure.

They make needing people sound weak.

They make disappointment sound expected.

They make detachment sound like wisdom.

I can almost guarantee, if you are in a relationship w/ an avoidant, youve heard some of these before!

This is not a list of “bad phrases.”

It’s more like a translation guide for what these phrases can often mean, when they’re coming from an avoidant mindset.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Translation: People lie. Words feel exposing. Emotional reassurance feels uncomfortable. I would rather prove care directly than have to say vulnerable things out loud.

“It is what it is.”

Translation: I do not want to sit in the emotional weight of this.

“No one is coming to save you.”

Translation: I could never rely on anyone to be there for me when I needed them-so, I stopped expecting it to avoid being hurt or didsapointed. Yes — exactly. The translations should sound like the avoidant person’s internal logic, not like a therapist explaining them from the outside.

Here’s the revised version in that style:

What Common Phrases Often Mean When They’re Coming From an Avoidant Mindset

(A blunt translation guide for people who don’t naturally think this way.)

One thing that makes avoidant dynamics so confusing is that avoidant people often use phrases that sound normal, practical, mature, or even wise.

But a lot of the time, those phrases are doing a job.

They create distance.

They shut down emotional pressure.

They make needing people sound weak.

They make disappointment sound expected.

They make detachment sound like wisdom.

So this is not really a list of “bad phrases.”

It’s more like a translation guide for what these phrases can mean when they’re coming from an avoidant mindset.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Translation: People lie. Words feel exposing. Emotional reassurance feels uncomfortable. I would rather show care through action than have to say vulnerable things out loud.

“It is what it is.”

Translation: I do not want to sit in the emotional weight of this.

“No one is coming to save you.”

Translation: I could never rely on anyone to be there for me when I needed them, so I stopped expecting it to avoid being hurt or disappointed.

“That’s just how life goes."

Translation: Bad things happen. People disappoint you. I would rather accept that as reality than discuss how it affects me.

“You can only depend on yourself.”

Translation: Depending on people has hurt me before. Self-reliance feels safer than hoping someone will actually show up.

“I don’t need anyone.”

Translation: Needing someone gives them too much power. If I don’t need you, you can’t hurt me as much.

“People leave.”

Translation: I expect abandonment, so I try to prepare for it before it happens.

“Everyone is expendable".

Translation: Attachment scares me. If I convince myself everyone is replaceable, loss feels less terrifying.

“I don’t chase.”

Translation: I want to be wanted, but showing that feels humiliating. Pride id safer than vulnerability.

“If they wanted to, they would.”

Translation: I use this to stop myself from hoping, asking, or admittingjust how much I care.

“Whatever happens, happens.”

Translation: I am scared to want something too much, because wanting something means I can be disappointed

“I’m just being realistic.”

Translation: I am calling it realism, but a lot of the time, it is grounded in fear, distrust, or s needfor self-protection.

“It’s just not that deep.”

Translation: It feels deep, and that is exactly why I need to make it sound smaller.

“I don’t do drama.”

Translation: Emotional needs, conflict, repair, and vulnerability overwhelm me, so I label them as drama.

“I’m fine.”

Translation: I am not fine!!!!!

“Don’t take it personally.”

Translation: I do not want to deal with howl this feels to you.

“I’m not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.”

Translation: I feel overwhelmed by emotional responsibility, so I separate my actions from their impact.

“What’s done is done.”

Translation: I do not want to stay in the discomfort of repair, regret, accountability, or grief.

“I don’t owe anyone anything.”

Translation: Obligation feels threatening. I do not want to feel like anyone has a claim on me. EVER.

“You’re overthinking it.”

Translation: Your emotional awareness is making me uncomfortable, and I do not want to look at it that closely.

“That’s your interpretation.”

Translation: Your feelings make me feel accused, so I am distancing myself from your experience instead of engaging with it.

“I don’t like talking about the past.”

Translation: The past still affects me, but I do not want to open anything I may not be able to control once it comes up.

“I’ve moved on.”

Translation: I disconnected from the feeling before I actually processed it.

“I just don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.”

Translation: Commitment feels like pressure. Pressure makes me afraid of failing, disappointing you, or losing my freedom.

“I’m better off alone.”

Translation: Being alone feels safer. No one can need me, disappoint me, demand anything from me, or get close enough to hurt me.

The part I think non-avoidant people often miss:

A lot of avoidant phrases sound strong.

But sometimes they are not strength.

Sometimes they are fear with better branding.

Sometimes they are old pain turned into a philosophy.

Sometimes they are emotional shutdown dressed up as maturity.

And sometimes “I don’t care” really means, “I care SO much. And it TERRIFIES me.

Which of these do you personally feel is most important in a relationship?

Self awareness, communication, or the ability to empathize?

I work mainly with men & couples on anything surrounding seggs, intimacy, and relationships.

I have a background in philosohy, a certification in massage therapy, and I have also been a FSSWer & Pro Domme!

Ask me anything about what I do on a day to day basis, how I help people, how I got into the field, or anything else you may want to know about!!!