That's all. Wanted to share. First 24 hours sober that weren't in a hospital or what not. Reddit has helped my mood today. I just wanted to say so :)
UPDATE: In a few more hours, I think I'll just call it two days.
I'm not looking for a white knight, but I keep wishing to attract better than I actually attract.
- drinking issues and drug issues, I blame SA from high school years. The drugs are gone but I'm struggling with the drinking still because I work at a bar and live by myself so its always there.
- depressed, anxious especially since I tried to make healthierr changes.
- I was a dancer at a "mens club" for a lot of years, that immediately sends good ones running. I can't help but feel like I should be upfront
- destitute, my new job doesn't pay anything like that so I'm crunched in a small one bedroom, drive a crappy car. I can almost feel the "ick" vibes
- I've never had problems attracting men its the keeping them part
So I know I'm in no place to find a real, healthy relationship. But given all my baggage should I surrender all hope?
It's ironic, before I tried to get my act together, I never had problems with my bills. Fast forward a couple years and I had to remake my life, start over. I'm living in an economical area, which means there's not very many good jobs, especially with nothing past high school. So I tend bar, but wouldn't you know it? My patrons don't tip well and all they do is sit across from me complaining about their own money issues.
How do you climb out of this hole? Or at least do so and keep some dignity about yourself? I feel like once you stumble for whatever reason, the way society is structured is just meant to keep you down.
It's not just the uncomfortable living, the small confines, the skipping meals until my next shift and the beat up car that cost me $2000 and apparently needs $3000 worth of repairs. It's the humiliation when someone asks where I live or sees me in my car.
I've dreamed of being in a band for a long time. I sing in the shower and sing in the car. But I'm deathly self conscious without liquid courage to say it mildly. Two weeks ago, I was at a party and my fiends were playing and somehow I got on "stage" (corner of the basement) with them and somehow belted something out. It felt so freeing. A couple of guys there have been texting me to do stuff with their band, they sent me music and wanted to hear me do vocals over it. I've tried countless times but I honestly can't stand my own voice.
It FEELS like this could be my moment. But fears are creeping in. People laughing at me. Laughing at my lyrics (I have notebooks full of twisted poetry). I've actually performed on stage, its not absolute stage freight, its self consciousness about my voice and I guess baring my soul.
I even had to make a new account to ask this because my friends know my real account.
I assume everyone here had to battle stage fright and self consciousness initially. Maybe you still do? How did you power through it? Your break through moment maybe?