r/adultsurvivors

Just here to vent, process, and gain support

TW: Incest, NSFW mentions

So, first of all, I'm dealing with repressed memories, and have only had a few actual (fragmented) flashbacks, which makes it even harder to believe myself...I'm in EMDR and individual therapy, and have done Brainspotting in the past. We have talked a lot about the abuser likely being my dad, especially because I have so many abuse related dreams about him specifically (plus other reasons). My therapists believe me, and a lot of our time has been spent on working through self doubt and trusting myself.

More recently, I've had an increase in dreams that involve my dad and are sexual in nature..... I feel so disgusted by these, and I'm especially disgusted today because I had one of these dreams last night and orgasmed in real life.

My EMDR therapist has reminded me that this is a textbook trauma response, but it's still sickening that my brain would go there.

But because I don't have solid memories, it still doesn't feel real "enough". But why the fuck would my brain show me these things over and over if there were no truth to it?

Do you believe me? Could I be making all of this up? I've been going through this process for over 2 years now, so it feels unlikely, but still...

Does anyone else deal with these sickening dreams?

I spend most of my time doubting myself. Almost compulsively. I’ve been told I have a tendency to “build cases” against myself like my only job is prosecuting myself. The thing is I’ll never have evidence. They’ll never admit to it and there is no evidence other than my admittedly spotty memory. But I want evidence so bad, I want certainty, I want to know, I want something that could hold up in court even if I never take it there. I feel like that’s the only thing that could make me feel human.

One of the perpetrators in my family isn’t really a perpetrator. He’s very smart and so he’s just been, from my observation, covertly grooming me since I was a teenager. I’m an adult now but it’s still happening to some degree. As much as an adult can be groomed I guess. When does it stop being grooming and start becoming willing participation. I often wonder why I let it go on. He gives me financial support, which is part of it. I also often think it’s because I just like the attention. Which is naturally true, if there’s one thing about me it’s that I’m going to chase attention from any creepy older man I meet. It’s like I have a sense for it. But I think it largely ties back to my need for proof. It’s so awful to say and admit but I think in the back of my mind he’s my last hope for proof. Like if he finally gave up the game and did something about it I would have the proof I wanted and be at peace.

Maybe I’m the problem. I was always the problem child growing up who’s to say the same isn’t true now.

i know i was molested. i know that for sure. my very first memory of my life begins with abuse.

but i can't tell if i mixed up a horrible dream with being raped. if i had a horrible dream (not about rape) and looking back on it, associate it with rape i may of gone through. does that make sense?

i want to heal. i want to let this part of my life go. i turn 26 this year. i've lost 25 years of my life to letting him win.

i want to start healing so that by my 30s, i can live. truly live. fall in love. have consensual sexual experiences. laugh again.

oh my god, laugh again. a real laugh. not be afraid to speak. i wanna heal.

and i think my first step to healing ..is reliving the memories. i need the clear picture. i need to know what happened. i need to know what my body went through. what she survived. i need to know in order to really heal. to gain full control back.

so my question is. how? what therapy can help me with that? i swear i heard about something.. edr, emdr? rde? something like that. that helps you find lost memories, maybe relive them.

i need that. i need help on how to go about this. please.

i'm ready to heal and move on

Suicidal crisis. Went to crisis team, called 111 (UK service for when it’s not quite bad enough for emergency services but you need urgent support), and called Samaritans (UK mental health/suicide helpline. I could tell all the people wanted to help, but they couldn’t. It’s not their fault, it’s not even really the system’s fault. I don’t know what I was looking for. What help could they possibly offer me? I keep looking for support because I don’t really want to die. Yesterday I talked to the Rape crisis hotline and they were BEYOND useless. But I’m going to die. Because I can’t help myself. I can’t be in this much pain constantly. No one should be expected to live like this

I dont know how much more of this can be taken.

What would it be like if this didn't happen?

Would I be happy? Would I be loved? would I be seen and heard? would I be understood? would I not be alone and be surrounded by love and good people?

But instead, I'm here holding my doll that represents my inner child under the covers and crying and just so lonely and love starved and goodness knows what else.

Will this ever get better?

He didn't just do this he stole my whole life.

this is one of my deepest, most shameful secrets. when i was 6/7 years old, i was molested by my sister, who was 15/16. my parents had left to go somewhere and i think it was summer. my sister and i shared a room as well as a bunk bed. i don’t remember how we ended up there but next thing i knew, we were on her top bunk. she had gotten on top of me and told me to take my pants off. she had began doing things to me and i remember feeling so out of my body. she was describing my body parts and touching me. i was more curious than anything, i didn’t know what any of this was at the time, obviously. anyways, things got cut short when our parents came home early i guess. i don’t remember if she said anything to me after. but for about 8 years after this incident, she blackmailed me with this secret. she made me think i had done something wrong, that i would get in trouble. if i was annoying her or didn’t do what she wanted me to, she would say in a sing songy voice “mooommmm guess what (my name) didddd, sheeeee” just like that. it would distress me so badly. i couldn’t even understand what had happened. all i knew was i felt deeply ashamed and guilty. she would hold it over my head continuously. it would scare me so bad i’d start crying.

besides that, my sister had always been quite cruel to me. she would hog the bathroom on purpose when she knew i had to pee. she is the origin of all my main physical insecurities due to her pointing them out all the time when i was younger. such as my broad shoulders, asymmetrical face, and just general body. she treated me like a burden. she would scream at me over the slightest inconveniences. i looked up to her so much, but she despised me and i didn’t know why. i just wanted her to like me. i wanted to be her friend. i mean sure i probably was annoying and cringe but i was just a kid. she would just relentlessly bully me. i would get bullied by my sister, my parents, my peers. i had nowhere to go.

after the molestation took place, i became severely depressed and resorted to the internet. it was somewhere i could go to when i would needed an escape. my sister and i both come from an abusive and toxic household. i discovered online chat rooms like omegle and imvu, which ruined me. i developed a porn addiction shortly after i was molested. i became addicted to talking to men on imvu and showing myself to them and the men on omegle. i just wanted to feel loved and cared for. my mom and sister caught me with my search history so many times but they always just brushed it off. i was a victim of grooming until i was 15.

for years, i felt so disgusting. i still do. it took me so long to piece together what really happened and to realize i wasn’t at fault. i was innocent. i was pure. i will never get that back. i eventually confronted her when i was 15 and the first thing she said was “i didn’t think you’d still remember that” how could i not? she started crying and said she doesn’t know why she did that and that she was a fucked up kid too. but i don’t care. she was so much older than me. i never had thoughts like that when i was 15 even though i was molested.

we now have been roommates with her boyfriend for a few years now. we’ve gotten closer as i’ve gotten older but she still isn’t very nice to me. she only notices my flaws and my mistakes. she can be extremely overbearing since i am so much younger than her. she like parentifies herself. our last bad argument was 2.5 years ago. she grabbed a knife and threatened to kill herself when i brought up what she did to me to her bf. one of her friends also validated my sister on what she did to me. her friend said she sexually abused her mentally disabled younger brother so she’s “been there”. it’s so hard living with her, but it’s either that or live w my narcissistic mom and step dad who also touched me. it feels like walking on eggshells everytime im around her and it doesn’t help that her bf backs her up on everything too. they treat me like im stupid, like i’m a child and not their roommate. we also are both diagnosed bpd but i think due to our upbringing, we have two different reactions to being abused. she’s explosive and confrontational whereas i internalize everything. it’s so painful. just thinking about a potential conflict with her makes my heart race, she genuinely scares me. most of the time, i just agree with whatever she’s saying to avoid anything like that.

i can’t hug my sister without feeling gross. it feels violating. i can’t wait til i can afford to live on my own and never have to see her again. it sucks because she does have a lot of good and admirable traits. but those rare moments of togetherness are not worth the mental anguish i experience living with her. i now suffer from cptsd, bpd, depression, anxiety, and am an extreme people pleaser. i just needed to rant, and am curious if anyone else has a similar experience.

Two years ago, I (34 M) was living out of my home state for college; after working ten years in kitchens, I finally had an opportunity to better myself. In October of 2024 I was asked by my dad to see if I can find information about my brother who at that time moved to California a decade ago and hasn't been in contact with us since. I discovered him on the California Megans law website; he is a high-level offender for collecting thousands of files of CP of victims under 12. I realized at that moment that my memories of my brother raping me when I was 8 years old were real. It wasn't a false memory like my mother conceived me when I told her at age 15. For context my brother and I were abandoned at a young age and later severely (not sexual) abused by our late mother and her new husband as teenagers. My mom took her life when I was 18 when she was dying of cancer. Before I made this realization about my rape, I did a lot of work to deal with my own issues that stem from my past and got to the point I could move out of state for school. After I found out, I began to unravel. I transferred back home and soon it became apparent I was not ok. The past two years I started going back to abusive relationships, periods of heavy drinking and at times bipolar/cptsd started getting unmanageable more often than before. My Dad is 75, I live with him mostly because we are the only family both of us have. I guess part of me feels like an only child now. He knows about my brothers' crimes and my mom (his ex wife) abuse, but I haven't been able admit my rape to him or anyone. I finally admitted to my new therapist a few days ago and I left my session really triggered, finally saying it out loud made it 100xs more real. I wasn't expecting to crash out and start using substances again for a day from finally acknowledging it to just my therapist. I can talk about a lot of the horrible things that happened to me, but when I acknowledge the rape, even to myself sends me in a spiral and idk why. Back on the sobriety wagon immediately after my lapse, made arrangements to NOT be alone if I have an intense session and reached out to my therapist to see if we can readjust my treatment, maybe go a bit slower. However, I feel I need to admit it to my dad at some point soon or I won't fully heal from it?

My mother made my life a living hell since I was a child. I'm not sure how or when the abuse started, but it was when I was 7-8 years. She would come into my room and get under the blankets and rub her body on my genitals. I would just be focused on the television because I was scared to see what she was doing. She would perform oral sex on me.

Yes, I admit that I enjoyed what she did to me. The worst part is the manipulation that happened afterwards. Sometimes, she would start crying and saying that I didn't enjoy it much. Sometimes she would say that Im gonna tell on her. She would run to her room and yell at me to leave her alone. I would feel so scared and sad, and I would run after her, telling her that I loved it and that I wouldn't tell anyone. I would have to hug her and kiss her afterwards to make her feel better. I'm not really sure if I loved it or hated it, but I had to pretend like I loved it more than anything.

When she'd come into my room, I'd be sure to greet her with a smile. I would have to moan loudly to prove to her that I enjoyed it. After a while, it turned to full penetration with no blanket covering her. Afterwards, she would lay down with me and I'd give her a bunch of compliments so she thought that I enjoyed it. If I didn't, she'd slap my hand away, push me away and tell me that I'm a piece of shit. She would say things like "I did my make up for you", "I put this outfit on for you" and I'd have to get on my knees and apologize for being such a shitty person. I hate how mean she was to me.

I remember one time she put an XXX video during one of the times, and I turned my head to face the wall of my room because I felt uncomfortable seeing the nude bodies. She caught on right away, got off me, and it's like world war 3. She started saying that I thought she was a disgusting pig, and all these awful things. And there I go again, running after her swearing that it wasn't true. That I wanted to watch more of the adult videos. That she was a good mom. The best mom in the world. That I wanted to be with her forever. That I would never get married to anybody. All these fake fucking stupid promises to make her feel better.

The worst part is that I got such a high when she would finally cheer up. I felt like her hero, like the only person that could make her feel good. It's like she became more and more unstable as years went on. I started missing so much school. There were days where she didn't want me to go. I would still go to class, but she'd pick me up at 10AM so that I wasn't counted absent. I would go home, while my poor sister would stay at school.

I felt so responsible to my mother. I was the most loyal person in the world. I wouldn't talk to female classmates out of respect for her. I felt like I could help my mom be a good person again. I felt so much love for her. I idolized her, worshipped her.

The abuse continued for several years. The same toxic relationship. Fights, intercourse, apologies. She passed away in 2020 from COVID. She apologized in a very strange way. I told her she had nothing to be ashamed for. I don't even know why I said that. I ended up apologizing to her for being a bad son. I begged her for her forgiveness. I don't know why.

I fell into a depression after she passed away,, and I've never really come out of it. I have decent days. But most days are bad. Every relationship I've been in, I've ruined. I'm the most toxic boyfriend. Im searching for that feeling everywhere. I start fights. I use manipulation. I don't even know how to be a genuine person anymore. I'll never get married. My mom broke me. Something in me died when I was a little boy. The light in my eyes is gone. I miss my mom. But I hate her. I wish I had a normal childhood. I want to feel what it's like to be innocent. I'll never get that back.

Hey guys, so quick story about my self, when I was a kid on second grade a close friend of mine who was in fourt grade started to get real close to me and one day he would start to sexually abused me many times, at the time I didn't really think to much of it until middle school thats where everything would hit. But anyway it wouldn't be like some extreme stuff that I read in here but mostly he would only do 4 things to me and would always stay doing the same 4 things but anyway is been a while since then, I'm 24 years old now and still think about it. it doesn't go a day that I don't think about it but I don't know how to feel about it, like I don't feel mad, sad yes but not so sad that u get depression over it. Never had suicide thoughts over it, and it comes to a point that i see it as like every other mistake I had or did. I don't know if this just normal thing and it just me accepting it or is something mush deeper. Also I would go to therapy but at moment I'm having financial problems. so please any advice or anything related please comment. anyway hope you having a great day so far peace and love.

This week my daughter turned the same age that I was the first time it happened. It has been a shock to really experience how young this age is now that I’m an adult. I was having a very hard few days and was feeling very out of it—just disconnected from myself, like I was watching from the sidelines.

It was under these circumstances that I had a therapy appointment. My wonderful therapist knows generally what happened, but I felt so disassociated that I sort of didn’t think twice about telling her some horrifying details that I never wanted to say out loud. Maybe worse, I accidentally admitted that I self-harm. I know I probably should be telling these things to my therapist to get better, but I wasn’t ready to do it and am feeling very ashamed and just having that vulnerability hangover feeling 😖

Life honestly feels so unbearable after my traumatic past. I feel like I can't function day to day.

My mind feels trapped with no way out.

I really really really hope this is all worth it, in the end. I'm not suicidal but this can't be my life. I can't take it anymore.

i didn't know what to tag this as but i felt dae was best here!

i see twitter's new discourse is centered around incest & incest victims and i think awareness is absolutely needed around incest!! however, i saw a tweet that said something along the lines of "incest isn't always inherently sexual it can be your mom treating you like a friend with no sexual intent" and i know they were probably trying to speak of emotional incest, but as a victim of both emotional incest & sexual incest, i honestly find it strange trying to equate the two or act as though they are on equal levels of traumatic? i feel like i'm missing the point but someone also said that family is inherently incestuous or parents wanting control over their childs autonomy is incestuous and i just feel like that's harmful to spread because i don't think of these forms of control as inherently incestuous, unless of course it shows definite signs of being incestuous. i also find that emotional incest is almost always inherently predatory or sexual, but maybe i just haven't spoken with enough incest victims about topics like this, so i wanted to ask other incest victims their opinions regarding things like this?

I would like to start this by clarifying that I was assigned female at birth and am a trans man. I transitioned around 13 so I experienced my childhood as a girl.

I never remember being sexualIy violated, but I do remember first discreetly pleasuring myself very young (probably 3-6 years old) and continuing throughout my childhood because it ‘felt good’. I knew it was inappropriate and I shouldn’t do it but I did anyway.

I was first exposed to ‘adult material’ at age ~7 by googling ‘n*ked woman’. I felt super embarrassed and also being aroused by it, which is so icky to think about because I was a little kid!

I also started having this fear of men, like I specifically remember this one high schooler working at my after school program (in elementary school) made me super uncomfortable, he was nice and I could never tell why I didn’t want to go near him, I just had this icky feeling inside of me. This happened with several men throughout my life and I can’t pinpoint any similarity because it’s not every man, but there’s probably something, because they were never creepy or weird.

In elementary school, I would also have these dreams of being topless and being watched (inappropriately) by different men and boys in my life, while being laughed at by everyone else, and no one would ever come help me. I had so many dreams of being nvde that I feared falling asleep some nights, because I was going to be watched and embarrassed and uncomfortable. These dreams were so distressing they would follow me into the next few days if I had a particularly distressing one, and it would affect how I viewed the people in my dream (like a friend and family members). I also had dreams in my early teen years about S/A-ing people, which were also distressing. I even had dreams about doing it to family members. I would like to emphasize that I would never touch anyone without their consent, not even a hug, but for some reason the situations were coming into my mind.

In middle school I became hypers-xual and started consuming p*rn, first in 6th grade. I got addicted to it and touching myself and at times it was better and worse throughout middle and high school. I can’t say I’m doing all that much better now.

At the same time as being hypers-xual I greatly feared ever having any intimate relationship that I become completely unattracted to real people, only the ones in adult entertainment.

Probably TMI but I also have some issues with lack of feeling and pain in my swimsuit area (to put it politely).

I also have C-PTSD, I’m not 100% sure what happened to me because a lot of my childhood is blocked out, but I know for a fact I was at a minimum, emotionally neglected.

So, my question is, how do you know you’ve been abused if you don’t remember? I have so many symptoms but I don’t want to put that label on it if I really am just overthinking it, because there are real survivors that have flashbacks and much worse symptoms, I just want to know if I’m crazy or these things could be something?

I’ve recently had somewhat of a breakthrough when it came to events in my childhood about my father, and I feel helpless in how my mental state is deteriorating. I was in an emotional incestual relationship with him for most of my childhood, and had been molested while extremely young. Since I realized, i feel like every issue and mental block I’ve had has just been dialed up to 100.

I just don’t feel as though I can commit to living like a normal person like I used to be able. I’ve always felt a feeling of disassociation as both a neurodivergent and trans person, as I’m never going to be seen the way I see myself. But recently, I’ve truly felt like a man piloting a robot version of himself mindlessly. The week has gone by so fast when I’m paying attention to nothing, but at the same time, I feel like any reoccurring thoughts or reminders feel like they last days when they’re really hours. I’ve always been a flinchy person, but I can’t be touched by my friends unexpectedly on the back or shoulder anymore without feeling like I’m jumping out of my own skin. And since I know it’s because of these memories, the flinching just reminds me more and more. Another thing I haven’t ever been amazing at is fully committing to and enjoying sex, as I’m just an insecure person. But recently, my partner of four years has been so patient, supportive, and kind, all for my brain to recently betray my wants each time and just flash imagery that makes me sob. I’ve recently binged a new show, and while I throughly enjoy it and fixate on parts, there’s a situation that rings home so much to the point that I have to skip or find myself not watching because I’m in my head.

The thing that made me want to ask for advice was a nightmare I had on Sunday night. Unlike everything else, I don’t hardly dream or remember anything I dream of. I apologize if this is graphic, but I feel the need to write out what I’d seen to illustrate how gross it felt. when I slept, I had a clear dream of my father near me, but we are the age we are now and his body was around me. His hands were on me. He was saying and promising to do even worse things he hadn’t gotten far enough to do. He was smiling and laughing the whole time. In the dream, it felt like I went from seeing me and him as a scene play out, to sometimes completely changing in perspective and seeing him in front of me. It just felt incredibly real, and I remember waking up and just going through the work day without really any emotion other than guilt. And I went home and got drunken alone to a point that I don’t want to get to again.

I just think it’s really clear to me I have no strategies or really ideas of how to cope with this. I’m just thinking it will get better, but I feel like the memory is following me through evening. I just truly don’t know how to remind myself that the memories and nightmares don’t have to be completely ruin my life. I want to live again and I feel like such a sad person. Idk, I hope someone who’s gotten to the other side relates and can kinda shed some light. Everything and anything is honestly appreciated

The only memories I have were always very blurry and I never had proof, so I've always questioned it was real. But now I feel like I'm going insane because I truly believed it started when I was just a baby and stopped before the age of 8 or 9. I believed I had sharp objects put inside me. I believed I had bleeding and damage from violent penetration. Then I recently found out that I have no external or internal genital scarring and I have no idea what to do. I genuinely believed it happened

Hello, I (24F) come here because I feel like I have nowhere else to go,

for years I have suffered from eating disorders, disassociation and derealization and a severe addiction to maladaptive daydreaming, for years, I’ve had the same two pieces of memories: a man in my room and waking up with my underwear drenched in blood, I was in fifth grade.

Despite all these strange symptoms of trauma plus a diagnosed anxiety disorder (I have stopped going to therapy due to scheduling issues), I’ve managed to be somewhat functional, my parents love me and they have always worried for me and my sister, and have done everything for us including college and a post-graduate degrees (I wanted to go to Europe, but now I feel lost), I’m a historian and have a post graduate in HR administration, I work a managerial position and have a great salary for my age and experience, my bosses know me by name and my coworkers are fond of me, I have many friends, I go clubbing, to coffee shops and parties, I thought my life was at its peak.

Unfortunately, I have managed to solve that dreadful puzzle, some time ago, a cousin trusted me that one of our uncles molested her, this man lived in my house, in the room next to mine and my sister’s, I’m seven years older than my cousin and by the time he switched to her, I had outgrown his preference and he had been kicked out by my parents. I live in an intergenerational household, we take care of my 91 year old grandmother, who forced us to live with this man, I love my grandmother to pieces but I have just realised that she facilitated my assault. That night in fifth grade I woke up bloodied and in dull pain, I thought it was my period, I didn’t get my period until I was 13, 4 years after I woke up with blood in my undies.

I’m an activist who has heard many stories of CSA and SA, I give those who have suffered comfort and a shoulder to lean on, but now that I know it happened to me I cannot help but blame myself, had I put what happened to me together earlier, would I have been able to spare my cousin this pain? She remembers it all, I only remember pieces of it (though I would prefer, if possible, to not remember all of it), my grandmother keeps giving money to this man and the food and things I help buy for my home, he keeps inviting him to it, I can never tell my mother, for my father once confided in me (maybe it was not right) that my grandmother already knows, because he also did it to my mother and my cousin’s mother.

Today I’m at work, I don’t even feel human, I even cried at the storage room, I do everything robotically and cannot engage with my friends and coworkers, I feel lost and empty, I’ve told two of my friends but I still feel detached from myself, what can I do? Telling my parents is off the table, my mother was incredibly depressed when she found out about my cousin, this would destroy her and I don’t think I can stomach therapy while living with my parents, this man will get no punishment for what he did to us, my country has a statute of limitations and women are prey in our courtrooms, how can I keep going? I feel like my future has lost all meaning, I know why I’m broken now, but it has costed me a great deal

A lot was also fantasizing about stuff happening to me non consensually. For as long as I remember to up until when I was about 13. During my childhood my parents were on drugs, and I wasn't in a great environment. I can't remember much at all and I'm scared to tell my therapist that I used to fantasize about being raped when I was a kid. The fantasy disgusts me now, and I know I shouldn't treat it as a reflection of me today, but I'm scared of being judged. I wanted to do EMDR, because I believe that I may have been assaulted as a child due to how hypersexual I was from such a young age and seeing people with similar stories who were. I also have more reasoning into my belief, but I would I would prefer not to post more details of my childhood.

I just had my first ever pelvic floor therapy session and it was fucking weird. Idk. Idk how to feel rn lol.

I just feel stupid for having to go through it at all, like none of my friends have to get medically fingered ugh. I feel really exposed and just dumb. It felt invasive and exposing… I just feel sad and down now and emotionally exposed idk it’s hard to explain

We did diaphragmatic breathing during it and the rest of my body kept tensing up. Most of my tension is deeper to the right side. Weirdly, the ending of her removing her finger was the worst, most uncomfortable feeling part.

Idk. I hope it helps. How has everyone else’s experiences been with this?

It happened during a recent and severe panic attack. Ended up controllable laughing about how much of a joke my life is. During the nadir of it I ended up seeing this window, 4 panels, light blaring in on the dirty walls, almost seemed to cast that man's face as that of an angel. Was a brief glimpse. At some point before that I seemed to have an image involving my mother. I sort of knew I'd eventually see a man in those buried memories but tired to ignore the suspicions I had around her.

I suppose there isn't much of an objective answer but what are the odds these images, warped as they are, are actual memories and not fabrications of my imagination trying to prove my suspicions true? I remember learning about fabricated memories and the satanic panic during my psychology classes and now wonder how real these memories are.
Does anybody have similar experiences with unrepression?

So I have a plan to try and figure out what happened to me. I have no idea if it will work.

I’m going to try and consume a bunch of media from the time my mind blocked out. Video games I played as a kid, songs that my parents played in the house a lot or just ones that were popular at the time, shows and movies I watched back then, looking up pictures of toys I used to play with as a child. anything to try and jog my memory. i feel like the most likely outcome is i don’t remember anything still but I just age regress a little and let my inner child have a good time, which seems pretty harmless. but hopefully it can help me figure out the gigantic hole in my memory. but I’m also afraid of that happening because clearly my mind wiped all that shit out for a reason? but at this point, the uncertainty is destroying me. I feel like knowing if it happened or not would be a relief.

has anyone done something like this? did it work? if I do remember things, do you have any advice to cope with that? thanks for listening.