r/adultsurvivors

So im curious, because it really bothers me. So, if traumatized kids are acting out their abuse on each other, is that cocsa? Are the kids involved knowingly abusing hurting each other? How do they heal from that? I engaged in a lot of it when I was a very young child, with other kids who had been abused. How do I handle this? I was not ever old enough to realize the consequences of my actions or what I was really doing.

And I just want to add, I should have been helped at a very young age and maybe I wouldn't be so messed up. I hate myself. Truly.

chat, i'm going crazy. why tf are people wanting to normalize being a pdf and fictional CSAM so badly. i can't take ts. i'll say it once, i'll say it till i'm fcking dead. you shouldn't draw children sexualized. no child should be sexualized, real and fictional. a real pdf is drawing ts and a real pdf will use it on real children to normalize their sick festishes onto children. ts effects reality and fcking sick and tired of people pretending it doesn't and making excuses for ts. happened to me, happens to children all the time. if you're disregarding ts or saying "focus on real children" TS EFFECTS REAL CHILDREN AND IF YOU CARED YOU'D KNOW 🤦‍♂️ ts just fills me with rage. or the deflection of "there's bigger issues" oh i'm sorry you can't focus and tackle more than one at a time ffs

EDIT: i am not at all comparing real CSAM to fictional, they're obviously not the same in any aspect. it's just what the rules said to change it to. i'm sorry. i care about the levels in which preds groom children. every aspect. i care about it all. venting creatively doesn't apply here, i do that myself. i'm all for that. venting and blatant fetishization are totally different

I strongly suspect that was molested as a child. I say “suspect” because I do not remember my childhood very well at all, nothing from first grade, a little bit from second and third grade, very little from fourth grade through junior year of high school. I have a few scant memories of sexual assault at the hands of my peers when I was around nine or ten, I think. But I believe something happened earlier, when I was six years old, because after that age I showed a lot of signs of sexual trauma. I had a serious problem with dissociation, with compulsively touching myself in inappopriate settings, with being afraid of being touched by others, and with isolating myself from friends and refusing to socialize. There were at least a couple times I tried to expose myself to adults. I remember freezing up in class, staring at the wall, and thinking about being raped every day for years. I just couldn’t get it out of my head. I didn’t understand why I was thinking about this or why it made me feel “weird” because I didn’t understand sex or arousal at all. They were just very strange, disturbing thoughts that seemingly came out of nowhere. I was terrified of anyone figuring out I had these thoughts and went to great lengths to make sure no one learned what I was thinking about. I carried this awful nameless shame for years and never told anyone how I felt. I don’t think I ever really got over this.

I had my initial appointment with my therapist last week. I mentioned on the intake form that I suspected sexual assault during my childhood but could not be sure. She brought this up at the end of our session and remarked that she didn’t want to “take anything from me,” but that…

1.) childhood emotional neglect is often confused for childhood sexual assault, and

2.) in the 90s sexual trauma was all the rage, overdiagnosed and overimplicated in therapeutic work

And that made me spiral and wonder if I was just making something up. That happens anyway, it just hurts when I reach out for help and am met with this. I am told to go to therapy because no one wants to hear about this, that I should work this out with a professional, and then that professional tells me I’m a liar?

What do I need to say to this woman to make her take me seriously? I am only talking to her because I need help with this specific issue, but she seems to think I just have mommy issues. I already had a therapist that blamed everything on my parental attachment problems. I need to talk about this. Why doesn’t she believe me? What do I need to say to her for her to engage with me on this subject? She seems very nice… I just wish she took me more seriously and I already spent that money… I’m tired of getting burned like this. I’m getting frustrated and desperate and she is making me question myself all over again. I just need help.

Thank you for any advice. I feel very alone.

i might come back to edit this later but i really need to vent now to people i know will understand me because i’m so fucking embarrassed.

i’ve been dealing with bladder incontinence since i was abused and it was a frequent problem in my childhood/adolescence. throughout grade school i always dreaded the far-too-likely possibility of being denied to use the restroom in school, being out anywhere and not having easy access to a bathroom, being invited to sleepovers…. dehydrating myself just to reduce the likelihood of an accident…sleeping with thick towels on top of my mattress to make clean up easier because we had no mattress toppers and i was too ashamed to ask for some, fearing that i’d have to admit to my parents that i was still having accidents as a teenager, followed by my parents interrogating or shaming me or digging deeper into the cause. in my late teens it became less frequent, only happening in sporadic episodes for a few days in a row, but over time it mostly settled and wasn’t something i had to constantly worry about anymore. and still…

occasionally (infrequent but still..) i’ll go through similar “episodes”, a few days at a time where i experience daytime incontinence. i no longer have accidents in my sleep but i still have to go about my day randomly feeling like my pelvic floor just gives out completely. as soon as i realize i have to go, it’s already too late, and i have to be quick and extremely careful (trying not to look too unhinged/frantic) making my way to the restroom or i’ll just start going. like my bladder is just independently functioning, no amount of mental or physical effort will stop it once it starts.

i notice i have this issue when i am more stressed, or godforbid i have a nightmare (abuser appears in my dreams) or am just experiencing more recurrent flashbacks/triggers than normal. but mostly, these episodes are random and i have no way of knowing it’s coming before i wake up one random day and almost piss myself the second i stand up out of bed.

so here i am, sitting in a bathroom stall in a busy library… trying in vain to soak up as much as i possibly can with this useless garbage toilet paper…because i made it to the restroom but couldn’t undo my pants quick enough before the piss just started running. thankfully i brought a layer with me so i can hide the stains, but once i get out i still have to walk across the library smelling weird to pack up my stuff, then drive in my soiled clothes back home. it’s not the first time this has happened but it doesn’t get any less frustrating/defeating, and i’m never prepared enough. i hate that i’m in my 30s atp and i still have to even worry about this shit. :(

ik pelvic floor exercises and core strengthening can help, i’m gunna make an effort to be more consistent doing so. does anyone have other recs or advice for how to deal with incontinence in public, if you’ve had the same issue? ik this post is probably all over the place but i can’t keep living like this. it’s shit like this that makes me feel like i’m ruined for life.

i need advice and a little bit of encouragement. is anyone here currently living with (the people who've hurt them) >!their abusers and/or their enablers!<. How do you cope? how do you navigate the dynamics with the people who have hurt you the most?

For days now going in and out of flashbacks. A lot of struggling for breath, intense nausea, but the worst part is the genital pain. It makes me feel so disgusting and hate myself more than I already do.

Im so tired of not sleeping, of nightmares, of sobbing, of phantom pain, of walking around pretending everything is okay and normal when I'm constantly on the verge of tears or screaming. I'm tired of seeing children and families who are complete strangers but seem to be healthy and happy and normal. I'm tired of lying about why my mental health is so bad. I'm tired of feeling like life is cruelly unfair.

It's been 2 months since I had the very first flashback/realization that I was abused daily for at least ages 6-13 by my mother - my only parent/caregiver. I haven't seen or spoken to her in a bit over a month, but I feel like she's going to investigate why soon. I get panic attacks when I see very neutral texts from her.

I've started EMDR, and I know what happened to me in words, but I'm so scared when I finally visualize/access the memory, I might go insane. My therapist says I'm doing well, but I feel like my life is about to fall apart at any given moment.

I'm trying to do 'normal' things, I go to work (and disassociate and be anti-social), call and make plans with friends, do hobbies, eat regularly-ish, and even got a gym membership for the first time. But this horrible thing is bubbling beneath the surface of anything 'normal' i try to do, all the time. When I'm in regular talk therapy I don't even know what to say, except it all sucks.

How long did it take you to get out of this state of constantly thinking about the abuse? What helped you feel better? How did you know it was a healthy or helpful coping strategy? Any and all kinds of advice is appreciated!

I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar and is comfortable sharing.

I'm diagnosed with DID and in treatment. I was sexually abused by a family member during childhood. My memories have been returning very slowly and fragmented over time. Recently, I've started wondering whether I may also have been strangled or choked after the abuse. I keep dreaming about it and have what seems like somatic flashbacks. I don't know if this is an actual memory or something my mind is trying to make sense of, so I want to approach it carefully. I'm not looking for anyone to confirm or deny my memories.

I've been struggling with several cognitive and physical (somatic) symptoms for a long time, and I wonder whether repeated choking could have contributed to any of them, also in childhood.

So if you're comfortable sharing, what were the (long term) effects for you and how did it impact your trauma memories and your symptoms?

I'm aware this is a very sensitive topic, I'm just hoping to hear from others who have lived through something similar.

Thank you for reading, and apologies for any broken English X

I think i'm spiralling. What if the abuse wasn't painful? What if I wasn't penetrated? What if I was fully clothed? What if my genitals weren't touched? What if it felt good? is it still csa??? 😭😭

I've recently had nightmares about my abuser assaulting me, but while I am an adult with the strength of a young child. What happens in the nightmares doesn't reflect much of the abuse I am pretty sure I suffered (I only have sensory memories and one maybe visual one at the moment, so a lot of doubt still). It was an MDSA situation, but my nightmares include equipment that obviously wasn't there for my actual trauma.

Has this sort of trauma nightmare happened to anyone else? It makes me feel a lot of self doubt.

Is it sexual assault if a child under the age of 6 asks / suggests something sexual or remotely sexual and the adult goes along with it? And it was not penetration (from what I can remember) ?

I want to know if I was assaulted but I can't figure it out no matter how much I want to. No matter how much I research and look for answers. Or maybe I just can't accept it. It hurts that that even happened. And if it is an assault, my own family was involved. That hurts me in its own way. Also, if it is that, is there a name for it?

I was hypersexual from a very young age, watching porn from around 9, always gravitating toward violent content, large age gaps, group scenarios, CNC, anything involving a lack of power. I was fantasising and trying to pleasure myself from around that age or earlier. Despite this, I didn't actually have sex for the first time until I was 24. Every time an opportunity arose before that, I'd panic and run, even when the person seemed perfectly nice. I lied about this constantly, telling friends I'd had sex, even in groups where everyone else was also a virgin.

Once I did have sex, it was like a bottle had been uncorked and I didn't know how to say no or back out. I started having sexual encounters with most people who initiated. It made me feel sick and used, even when the other person was being genuinely kind. I think I felt there was no point to me otherwise.

I'm now 27 and in my first long-term relationship of about a year. I really trust and love my partner, he feels safe. Early on I was doing my usual thing, doing everything I could to sexually gratify him constantly. A few months in, I told him about my CSA history. After that, things shifted, he was very insistent that I didn't need to be doing all of that, and would check in about whether I actually wanted things.

I'm now in a place where I'm more comfortable saying no (well not really... Its more he understands i mentally get locked out even if I'm still physically performing so if I'm silent and don't give a yes with enthusiasm he won't proceed... Which i then feel guilty about even if he reassures me not to be) and I've noticed I'm sometimes swinging in the opposite direction, feeling very little desire for sex at all. I can go a few days or even a week without initiating or going along with something, which for me feels significant, even if it sounds small. Before, sex was almost an inevitable outcome of any interaction with a guy, regardless of what I wanted.

I'm not really sure where this is going and how to find a happy and healthy balance, for myself but also for my partner.

One thing I find confusing is that my abuser was a woman, not a man, so I'm not entirely sure how to make sense of some of these patterns.

Hi all I have never spoken about this because it happened in 2001, which was a different time. I was 15 and he was 21, he was my boyfriend. Nobody even questioned it at the time or thought it was not okay. So though what happened was upsetting and not ok I never questioned it.

But recently I opened up about it and was informed that at the time, this was still illegal, even if it happened in 2001. We were never fully intimate but we did some other things that I was not comfortable with and at the time made it clear I didn't want to do but he carried on. After I sat beside his bed with my head in my hands and he said sorry. I was a very traumatised 15yo as it was and I was swept away in the first guy who showed interest in me because I always thought I was worthless and unattractive. Who I told said that regardless if I even had "consented" I legally could not have, and he was committing a criminal offence with a child.

Now, I mean I KNOW full well that this is no way okay. But why is my brain telling me that because it was 2001 and everyone let it slide, that somehow then, it was acceptable? Was it? Or was this a criminal offence? Was this sexual abuse?

I am only just now coming to terms with my childhood trauma and how much worse it was than I let myself believe. I am seeking further therapy. I think I have complex trauma that I have always explained away or downplayed which is apparently a defensive mechanism?

I just want to know from others experience because why did nobody at that time bat an eyelid? Did he even know it was an offence? I'm so confused. And is the R-word only for all the way, or for other things sexually you don't agree to? I am very new to this bc I never considered myself to have experienced SA before? I even got left with him when I was 15 bc my parent had to take my sibling somewhere, and that wasn't even seen as an issue either?

EDIT: Happened in the UK. I tracked the timeline back properly and I'm pretty sure I was 14 and he was either just turning 20 or just turned. I dunno what to do with this information or how I've held it in my head so long as not what it actually was.

To be clear I'm not trying to disprove it or argue against it. My brain is doing a thing about a point I always get stuck on, which is that I actively sought out sex with adults when I was a kid and then teenager. Nothing had happened to me prior to cause this that I know of. The reasons were unrelated to sex or the adults involved. I can sort of intuitively understand why it's still assault, but only like. Out of the corner of my eye. When I try and look at it directly or put it into words I just. Can't. My brain blue screens. Which makes the sense of "what if I'm just making up there being a problem where there wasn't one" even louder, and being unable to come up with a coherent argument against that makes it worse, and then I just get stuck and decide not to think about it for a while because I feel insane.

So if anyone has their own explanation or links to one or idk something. Even an entire book, though I actually haven't been able to read some related ones I've already found because the topic becomes immediately overwhelming to the point of blue screen brain again. So like. I know I could google this or find something myself but this question is largely the result of overwhelm related to the question. Can someone explain it like I'm stupid.

I'm going to start with a clear warning that this post will discuss difficult themes and events.

I experienced grooming (incl SA, r**e, exploitation), followed by a period of stalking and threats. This ended with the Covid-19 lockdown, and by September of 2020, I moved cities for university.

I met a new friend (C), who quickly became my closest and most trusted person. I trusted him and shared with him that I was / am asexual (sex repulsed) and that I have cPTSD from the above. He was aware that mentions of SA/ sex/ anatomy were off-limits and triggering, but unfortunately, over the years, I have had to remind him many times. More recently, it has been every interaction where a boundary has had to be restated and reminded; however, he blames his ADHD for this.

Recently, I found out that a newer friend of C's had cut him off, as he had acted "creepy and predatory" toward him. It has made me reflect on the experiences I have had with my friend.

When we first met, he would stay over in my uni accommodation and, I believed platonically, often cuddle me to sleep after smoking weed or drinking.

There was a night when he told me his body was reacting to me and that if I felt a lump, it was his erection. I could feel it on my back, and he didn't move away or cover himself. I felt frozen and couldn't move or speak, and I was stuck in that state for most of the night.

I ended up distancing myself from him for a couple of weeks, at the end of which he had asked me what was going on. I explained how uncomfortable I felt with what had happened. He was visibly upset by this and apologised, and I put it down to being a mistake while he was comboed on weed and alcohol.

He ended up moving away for a year abroad, and on my first visit to him, we started drinking. I was drinking rum straight from the bottle, and I have never been one to drink heavily.

While we were out, he started telling me about how it was obvious that there had always been sexual tension between us. Being ace, this confused and surprised me.

He kissed me a number of times while we were out.

I don't remember how it started, but once we were back at his, we got in bed - I assumed to go to sleep. He started educating me on how the penis worked, I assume because I am a trans man and dont have one.

He said that it would be easier to show me and he exposed himself. I was shocked, but still believed he was trying to teach me something?

He told me to touch it, and I felt like I had to. I don't think it was anything he said that made me feel that way, though. I'd spent so long fawning and 'going along with it' in my past that it felt automatic and inherent. I was scared that if I didn't, he'd become upset and angry with me and hurt me - even though it wasn't the person that did groom me.

It escalated, he touched me, and at one point, he asked if it was okay. I said it was, and it continued.

I was the most drunk I think I'd ever been, and I felt scared and disgusting for doing those things and going along with it. I woke up mortified the next day in his boxers.

Until recently I just considered this as something I regretted doing while drunk, but now I'm wondering if this isn't quite the full picture. The perpetrator of the abuse would constantly tell me that I "couldn't call it r**e just because I regret it."

It has also made me reflect on the friendship more generally. I constantly have to remind him of the few boundaries that I do have, and these are constantly crossed. He has told people before I even met them that I have PTSD from sexual abuse, that I'm trans* and ace, and not to talk about certain topics as a result. I've asked him many times not to share this information, as it's incredibly personal. I found out recently from two (more recently) close friends, that he had told them both all of this individually - and this is years after first asking him not to.

Prior to becoming close with my other friends, I think he genuinely was the only person I was close to and would have considered a close friend. I excused the boundary crossing as he did, with his ADHD, thinking he couldn't help it. I thought that the constant upset and reminders were part of the rupture and repair of a friendship. However, my friendship with my other friends is very different. I've only ever had to state a boundary once, and they've been incredibly respectful and supportive.

These friends, and my therapist, have used the word assault to describe my experiences with C. I am finding this difficult to understand, as I did technically say it was okay - and I don't know if I should expect him to have considered the fact that I'm asexual and have trauma from CSA.

I know he's crossed boundaries, but I'm scared to call or consider that this could be more than that.

how tf do you not feel guilty for having to abstain cause you mentally can't take s3x atm? cause every time i do i feel guilty. outside of these moments, it's in abundance. the second i can't, the guilt does get to me and reassurance doesn't help. i've asked this in therapy but it's always just "don't be hard on yourself" and that's it. i can't help but compare it with how easy i used to be and my past and that i feel i owe that much. i know it's dmb but how i feel 🤦‍♂️ i can't handle touch because of a resurfaced memory and the other night i tried and pushed myself, i spiraled into a relapse. don't want that to happen again

I was SA’d by an older brother beginning I don’t know when. It was always there. When it stopped I was in high school. He went to college. Without going into details after our father died I finally decided to confront my mother about her knowing about it and doing nothing to stop it. There were many clues over the years that she knew. She said as much to my ex. Told my ex that my brother and I have to “deal with it”. That was 15 years ago. Fast forward and my father died. We buried him. The brother who SA’d me didn’t show up to the funeral. That evening I told his late wife (parents divorced when I was in my early 20’s) about the abuse. I couldn’t tell my father. I don’t know why. But a few weeks later I confronted my mother in an email and accused her of knowing about it and doing nothing to stop it. She cut me off, and my siblings cut me off too. She’s 90 now. I’m in my early 60s. I always thought at least one sibling would come to my defence. Nope. Also, my brother admitted in a drunken confession to me many years earlier that he “had a sedual relationship with our older sister.” So add incst to the mix. He has also confessed to me when he was a teen - during the years that the abuse happened- that he had r*ped a girl at a drive in movie theater. Bottom line is that I got cut off and painted as delusional by my whole birth family. They’re sick and morally bankrupt. I don’t know why I want any relationship with any of them but I would have liked to be acknowledged rather than ghosted. I guess I’m the family scapegoat. Thanks for listening.

I do not remember my CSA, but have pieced it together from symptoms, medical reports (there was a serious suspicion and I was taken under by psychologists, doctors, in arrangement by the child protective services), and realizations psychotherapy.-. I am struggling to really believe myself and to go forward because I do not have any memories. Have anyone been in the same situation? Were you able to retrieve memories, and how? What do those memories “look like” - visual, emotional, bodily? I’m sorry if I’m asking a triggering or stupid question. Best ❤️

Hi
I’m not really sure how to begin this but wtv (tw:sh)
So when I was younger (11yrs) I used to sh because someone(I can’t bring myself to write who) was like touching me and stuff and it lasted a few years and I used to have sleep paralysis and insomnia and stuff like that. I was overall really scared and uncomfortable at that time.

Few years after that the person is not longer in the picture but I have begun to really question what happened mostly because I forgot almost everything and the few things I remember are stuff I asked an older friend about at the very beginning of everything cuz I wasn’t sure what they meant.
So I’m gonna describe what I remember and can u please tell me if it’s normal and I was just overreacting from the beginning

-lots of neck kissing in private
-he lay on top of me while I was face down and then puts his hands underneath and squeezed my chest
-ok this one I don’t remember the context but basically he was pushing me to the bed and trying to unbutton my pants but he was also laughing and Idk why (it was in my room and somebody was passing by and stopped him and locked me in my room)
-he used to ask me to sleep next to him a looot and when I did he used to massage my back which is totally normal but also play with my bra and asks me to make strange noises (someone heard them once and told me to stop but I didn’t understand at the time why it was wrong and didn’t tell them that he asked me to do it)
-he used to look at me while I’m changing my clothes and enter the bathroom when I’m taking a bath and just sit there asking what I’m doing
-he also used to caress my tights (?) but once while he was grabbing my fists while tickling and stuff I told him to stop cuz It was really hurting me and he just laughed and said that I was too young to be making decisions and I remember feeling so weak

I apologise if this is a bit too long and if it’s stupid and I really was just overreacting.
Also my memory is really blurry and those are the few things I’m sure of

I’m currently remembering some bad memories related to a potential new abuser. He was a neighbor and had a daughter my age I hung out with. I don’t know my exact age but I think I was 9-10 years old (older than the other abuse I experienced starting at 7)

Anyway I’m still in the phase where I’m REALLY doubting myself. In this piece of my history I would have been more aware of what was happening and old enough to feel a lot of shame after. I remember walking home from his house thinking to myself “I have to forget this ever happened”

If it is real, guess it worked because I’m in my early 20s now and just remembering now.

I would appreciate any comments.