r/adultsurvivors

I live with my dad (my abuser) anyway 24/7 so it's not like I'm getting any distance from him like everyone online says I should. It's pointless to try to distance myself from my father because he's always trying to get closer to me so might as well indulge in that, right? There's no guarantee he's going to hurt me again, and asking for a hug and massages is innocent, isn't it?

For context, I'm not leaving anytime soon. I'm 23, still in school, jobless and still dependent on him for all my basic needs. Water, food, shelter, money. The problem mainly is I want to get my two younger siblings out of the house too and that will take me even longer. The protection units in my country are shit.

I'm wondering what makes asking for a hug unsafe? He stopped molesting me four years ago.

Edit: Just to add as I really didn't get this out as clearly as I should've. I'm a little emotional and anxious right now so I couldn't really get the thoughts out as clearly as I really should've. I really don't know what to do, I can't make the intrusive fantasies of my dad stop. As I said in a comment, I've tried processing the trauma in different ways. And I've read that this was a way of taking back control. But the other ways that I've tried to process the trauma hasn't worked and I have no one to turn to.

My father was physically and sexually abusive towards me, he'd cover me in bruises as a toddler and the walls of our house had dents in them from where he slammed my head.

He has unironically referred to himself as a God before. He told my grandfather once "I'm look a God to you." And one time he introduced himself to my cousin's boyfriend as "Hi I'm X, but you can just call me God.'

As a kid he would make me refer to him as the King of the house. Any videogame he played, his character was 'The King.' Nobody else was allowed to sit in his chair at the dinner table because that was his 'throne.'

So yeah...grandeur for sure.

But it gets worse and I think he could have the ability to do the unthinkable...

He would often brag about driving along and putting the car into neutral gear to make the engine nice and quiet so he could swerve into birds and other small animals just to 'watch them pop.'

If anyone 'wronged' him, he would go on a months long campaign to get back at them. He'd leave silent phone calls late at night, put dog faeces through their letterbox and one time, he argued with a family friend and she mysteriously had her car brakes cut (my father is a mechanic).

He has raped and SA'd multiple people including me but always gotten away with it.

Another time when he had an argument with his sister, he described in graphic detail about how he hopes she ends up found dead, naked in a ditch, covered in blood and her hair strewn across her face after having been SA'd.

Therapists I've spoken to about this have said this is far too much graphic detail to be something he had just made up but more likely a memory...so potentially he's killed people before.

As I write this, even I think it all sounds crazy but its unfortunately true.

Does anyone else have this much of a monster in their family?

My upbringing was rough, with a physically and sexually abusive father and a manipulative, gaslighting mother.

The violence was pretty extreme, along with the SA.

Alongside that, my mother had a cardiac arrest and she died right in front of me, until she was revived a few minutes later.

This episode left her permanently disabled and I had to look after her, all the while she resented me for it and would be verbally and emotionally abusive.

One thing I've noticed, is that a lot of people I'm closest to, my fiancée, other family members and friends have all cried when I tell them about the things that happened to me.

But like, a lot of times I just shrug my shoulders and say 'it is what it is.'

Does anyone else find it hard to process how difficult other people find it, hearing about what was your 'normal'?

Feeling a bit overwhelmed thinking about how much CSA i experienced, from parents, siblings, babysitters, friends, partners. Its kinda hitting me for the first time how much i was used and violated inappropriately but i thought it was all normal and that it was my fault for being uncomfortable with it.

Until recently I was doing really good and felt very recovered for a while but lately ive been more triggered and feeling really regressed and all of this is really hitting me, and i feel so guilty and embarassed that im backsliding.

It would make me feel better to hear how u guys have all gotten through rough patches or dealt with these hard feelings and self blame

I (F29) have been in a relationship with a woman (31) for 7 years. We haven't had sex for 4 years since my memories of sexual abuse resurfaced. It simply wasn't possible for me without getting triggered. It was only possible to hug and give some kisses. I've had a lot of therapy since and a lot of the ptsd symptoms are gone. They're mostly there during intimacy / sex.

It's very difficult to start being intimate again. I do really love my wife and before all the memories resurfaced we had great sex. We had very long make-out sessions and spent hours being intimate. I want that back. I find my wife extremely sexy, but I still dissociate or the intimacy starts to feel funny after 3 minutes of making out. My wife is also scared to initiate because she doesn't want to trigger the trauma.

Have other people fixed their sex lives? Do you have any tips?

I only really begin to feel like this when I get more introspective about it when I’ve had a bit to drink. It feels so fucking unfair simply put, people in family just expect you to brush it under the carpet and get through each day- life is literally constantly set to hard mode when you realise, holy shit, not only did I go through this as a kid but I somehow survived it AND forgot pretty much practically everything for years. I had intrusive thoughts and sensations about it all, sure, but nothing solid until my Mum told me about her own abuse (she does not remember concretely however, whereas I do…).

I recently-ish remembered my Grandad not just raping me with his fingers, but also trying to have sex with me when I was as young as 6 ffs. And then again at night when I was 9. And I think also when I was 10/11 during the day, but I seem to remember telling him I didn’t want to do anything more/continue after this.

I still just don’t see how it was me. Of course, anything like this should never happen to anyone, don’t get me wrong! But I still don’t see how it happened to this little girl from this much older man. I loved him so much. Idolised him. He taught me almost everything I know. But it is so fragmented. I feel detached and almost separate when I think about the abuse and speak about it to my therapist. I still feel like I am (subconsciously, without meaning to obviously) making it up, like I am trying to portray myself as a victim. But I am not the kind of person that would do that. Especially, especially never about the one person in my family I loved the fucking most. I am so sad. I loved him. I looked up to him. The irony kills me. From 14-16, I had really severe vomiting problems and I was just being sick every single day. I never made myself sick, it just happened. I don’t know if I was just trying to expel stuff from my body because I couldn’t control what was going in- from him. I felt so fucked up for years after this. So many mental health professionals telling me essentially it was all in my head, almost all my family said the same… apart from my therapist, who I’ve known for a decade and has helped me more than I could have ever hoped for. But it is so unjust. My Grandad would take me to some appointments to see her when I was sick. I should have been safe around his. Safe around him.