u/Professional_Let9859

Please read through this post before answering, unless it could trigger you!

I’ve been abused for years when I was younger, since I could remember myself (for context I’m 18).
It included grooming, inappropriate touch and affection, emotional and physical abuse when I did the slightest wrong thing and eventually r-pe almost every day.

That really messed me up as you can guess, as I have apparently bad disassociation episodes in which I can’t remember almost anything from. I have identity and boundary problems as well, and I guess I don’t feel myself deserving of anything, which I know is common for us.

Besides the point, I’ve also developed an eating disorder and have been diagnosed bipolar I (which there have been signs to early on), as well as have sh behaviors and suicidal ideation.

I’ve really tried to not be explicit about this, but please try to answer my question truthfully and share your thoughts.

Specifically eating disorders, bipolar, suicidal ideation, sh behaviors…

I know there’s some awesome people hiding in here, so I wanted to try to get know some of you and test my luck.

If that’s okay, I’d like for you to tell me your age and the country you currently live in, since it’d be preferred you’d be in my age range (18-22) and from Europe due to timezones reasons.

Well a few things about me, and watch out because I’m going to start with the kinda f’ed up stuff.

I’m currently dealing with a sort of eating disorder, and after a long while of suffering I’ve been diagnosed bipolar (type I). Yes, I’ve tried to off myself. Yes, I’ve SHed. But I’m trying really hard to get better, even though it’s extremely hard for me.

As for what I like, well I’m pretty basic. I like more artsy stuff like painting and drawing, I like baking, listening to music (especially rock!!) and I dunno just walking around.

I know I’m not ideal, but If you’re play with everything I mentioned, please hit me up!

TW!! Please DO NOT read this if you think this might trigger you.

I was sexually assaulted, raped, when I was very very young. I really loved him even if he made me do a lot of things. He used to play with me a lot afterwards and he promised we would play if I just let him do things he wanted, so I did and he didn’t ever lie to me.

I didn’t even remember all of this until a year ago, and I’m
18 now and I can’t help but miss him, maybe miss the attention? I know this happened for years since I can remember myself and I feel like this has wired me to think this is what love is supposed to be like.

I know a lot of people feel like I do, I know it’s valid for survivors, and I know this is just a feeling and I don’t want truly to be abused. But it feels so so real that I can’t distinguish anymore. Logically I know I don’t want to but otherwise everything else tells me I need this.

I struggle a lot with mental illnesses, both bc of what happened to me and also just because I was born like this. This includes bipolar I, BPD and an eating disorder among other stuff. Guess I’m fucked up lmao.

Anyways, sorry for that, I just had to share.

Well I’ve turned 18 like 4 months ago and he turns 25 in a few weeks. I don’t really know if it’s an appropriate age gap, but I do love him and he told me he did so too. I trust him, and he treats me really well and always helps when I’m down or in a bad place.
I have some mental health issues (bulimia, previous ODs, bi polar (I), bpd..) and he knows about them, he’s actually bipolar (II) too.
He’s been really supportive since the beginning, we’ve been friends for a month and then proceeded to date (now for two weeks), I know it’s not a lot but I do have strong feelings towards him and I just don’t know if it’s alright right now.

Could you please help me?

Hear me out!! I started talking with this guy and he lied to me he was 18 and then told the truth that he was actually 16 (turning 17 in October in a way that the age gap is 1.5 years), and I know logically this is pretty acceptable but because he lied and all of that I had to ask..