A question from a childhood assault survivor
Hi all,
My question revolves around a memory of childhood assault. For the longest time I have wondered if what I experienced could be considered as sexual assault, and I'm in the late hours of the night and delirious enough that I feel ready to speak. When I was younger, my family had a practice of ritualised child punishment, to which I was repeatedly subject to. I was dragged out of the shower by the leg, slammed against walls, made to dress, then strip my pants, or not dress at all. On one occasion I asked if I could lay on my back, not my front, because the punishments were getting too painful. When I rolled over, I was giggling, delirious, (I had often tried to make my parent laugh in the moment), and terrified, and I had become visibly aroused physiologically. This moment is my first memory of feeling sexually aroused. My parent reacted visibly with digust. and shame. and rage. and they abused my genitalia region with one strike.
I don't feel like there were any sexual emotions arising from them towards me. But there are moments in my life where I'm just overwhelmed by the memory and all that they did to me, and all my attempts to talk about it in the past were shut down and silenced. They make me feel crazy.
I wonder if anyone with similar, or more drastic experiences of assault would consider this sexual assault. I do feel ashamed and stupid for even asking. I hope that others won't feel like I am detracting from their experiences. Part of me feels like this isn't as extreme, or bad as other people's experiences.