r/COCSA

I ask anyone who sees this to PLEASE read the full thing I need advice. I’ll be fully transparent here because I’m not clean. To start, my sister who is two and a half years younger than me would randomly take her pants off and I used to complain about it to my parents because I was uncomfortable with it. Then she would start slapping my buttox (Im male) because me and my brother did that to each other so since she did it to me I did to her as well without sexual intent. She would also like to put her feet in my genital area because it would tickle and it was funny to her, so I’d do the same. She would also tickle me a lot and I grew a huge fear of being tickled. When I would get undressed for the shower she would always try with her life to see me naked, and I was very uncomfortable with that, I definitely didn’t reciprocate. She also always wanted to shower with me after we went swimming and I agreed to it. Eventually she started this “secret thing” where me and her would cuss and hide it from her parents, and one time she wanted to see my genitals so we went out to the hammock in our backyard and she showed me hers and told me to show her mine and I agreed to that as well. Im 15 now and this happened when I was 9. I cannot stand her and have bad agitation and disgusted around her. If im physically touched or can feel her body heat I shut down and feel terrible. She is completely fine though, not very weird towards me, but also not disgusted. I have dreams about her having sex with me and wake up hating myself and HATING her. I don’t know what to do and what this was but it’s hindering my life and my whole family’s, she is kind of depressed as well and I don’t want to make it worse for her but I still can’t stand her.

Hi ok so I have struggled with this for a while and I have conflicting thoughts about it so I need opinions. I’m 20F but when I was in 3rd grade my older, by one year, F cousin came to visit with her family. Things were ok for the most part until at one point I tried to change and she just wouldn’t leave to let me do it. She literally just sat there and watched me and I was an extremely quiet kid but I do remember asking her to leave and her just not. It made me extremely uncomfortable and even now I feel like it’s stuck with me. I remember after that day just feeling really uncomfortable and upset the whole time she was there. When I went back to school I just felt off and unsettled but happy she finally left. When I was older about 12 I had gone to visit her with my family and I still felt that uncomfortable feeling I had when I was a kid. She was normal with me at that point but I remember not wanting to be alone with her or even around her. At that time I never considered my experience in 3rd grade as something serious. When I was 15 we went back to visit her and I was fine, able to be around her but after we came back home I started to think back on the first experience a lot.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is, does this count? Am I a victim or am I being dramatic about it? I do remember trying to tell my mom about what happened and her saying that that was normal for girls our age and that I should’ve just spoken up if I was that uncomfortable. I remember too starting to get really uncomfortable at yearly exams after that. I also became more interested in other people’s bodies. I was 8 but I knew it was wrong. Why didn’t she if she was older? Am I being dramatic about it and overthinking it?

I cannot remember properly when it started or when it ended but I do know I was 2 years older than the guy who did it. I know he wouldve been around 8-10 when it stopped. My apologies if I do a bad job at explaining this I have never really posted on reddit before and my only exposure to how to format on reddit is those AITA videos.

The earliest memory I have is of when me and him were hanging out over at my house, I think I was about 7-8 or 9 therefore making him 5-7 and It was summer so it was boiling and I was just in my vest and panties and he was in just his underwear. We both ran around for a while and then at one point he stared at me and pulled down his pants. I didnt want to look at this and so I looked away. From memory he tried to get me to show him my privates as well but I cant tell if this happened in this incident or if im mixing the next one with this one

Second incident I remember wasnt too long ago from the first where we were in my room and I have no memory of what led up to it but I remember sitting down against my door and him starting to ask me to show him my privates again because he showed me his. I told him no and im guessing I had moved or im recalling this wrong but he had ended up blocking the door and telling me I cant leave until I pull down my pants and panties and show him. I had panicked and started crying and screaming since he I THINK tried to pull my pants down. For further context because this is relevant in the next instances he is more strong than me and has always been becaude he was a rather chubby guy who had martial arts training while I had always been underweight and refused to do any sports or training. My mum and his mum ended up finding up and I remember his mum spanking him and telling him that we dont do that to girls but thats it.

3rd instance which lasted for maybe a year or more was around when we were 8 and 10 where we'd be playing in my parents room and he'd forcibly tackle me to the floor and try kiss me and hump me while moaning. Id try push him off and tell him off but he'd never stop. Anytime I told him off it was dismissed as 'he just likes annoying you dont listen' and 'boys will be boys'. Theres multiple times where id remember being scared of him whenever we were alone in my parents room because hes hit me and repeatedly pin me to things and hump me then anytime I tried to fight back hit me more and laughed at any pain I showed.

Its been years and im not really in contact with him anymore atleast in the sense of we dont speak monthly and I dont think its affected me too much or atleast more than any later events with other people did but I judt want other peoples opinions on if this IS cocsa and if I can count it as cocsa. I have never really spoken to anyone else about this except 2 friends years ago. Im not mad at him or anything he was just a kid as well and his bio dad was abusive but i cant help but feel that I still have issues with trusting people or not oversharing sexual details constantly.

We were in kindergarden. We were both 5/6 years old. He asked if he could touch me down there during class and I continuously said no. It was until we were alone during library time when he threatened me and my family with a knife until I let him touch me. It sounds very silly now but I was so scared at the time.

"But inapporiate behavior is developmentally normal at that age" "A 5 year old can't understand consent" "He was too young to be aware of what he was doing"

He knew I didn't want to be touched. He knew that the only way he could get me to cave in and give him "permission" was by threatening me. He wasn't too young to know exactly what to say to make me willing to give up my body out of fear. He knew exactly what he was doing.

I was too young to be assualted.

I am currently 18m.

I believe I was around 9 or 10 when the Incident happened but I also might have been a bit younger or older, because I remember seeing the boy when I was in middle school.

I knew that he was definitely older than me. The only way I can remember for sure is that he had pubic hair, and I didn't.

He had come over to my house only once. And the entire time, I was trying to play video games with him, or show off my legos. But every time I would turn around he would be touching himself. At first I had no idea what he was doing. When I asked he said he was "beating his meat". I obviously didn't understand what that meant, so I ignored it. He would not pay attention to anything I would show him, like any of my cool toys or my computer.

Eventually I gave up and brought him to the final thing I thought was pretty cool, which was a tent in my backyard. It was pretty large. About 10x10 feet. But as soon as we got in, he was immediately taking off his pants and grabbing his penis. I was a little shaken up because I didn't know what he was doing. He then told me to take my pants off too, and I reluctantly followed. He kept trying to explain masturbation to me, and I just didn't understand. He would make me touch myself. I had never heard of masturbation before that day, and sometimes I think he's the only real way I learned what it was.

I don't even think it was a year after this incident that I started masturbating myself.

He ended up ejaculating on his hand and told me it was normal. I was afraid that Mom would think me and him were doing something inappropriate so I took him inside to wash his hands. But he kept trying to get me to do it.

I'm still not sure what to think about this incident. It wasn't nearly as traumatizing as when my dad groped me in my sleep but it definitely changed my views on sex and masturbation for years.

---

And just to be clear I don't necessarily think he was a pedophile. And I don't have any reason to believe his behaviors continued. But when I told friends about what happened, he told me "I thought we were friends. Why would you tell people what we did?". I'm pretty sure both him and me were in a close age group. Just on different stages of puberty.

Even if he was older, he was also a child. Probably no more than 2 years older than me. I'm sure of this because I developed pubic hair and began masturbating only 1-2 years after the incident.

I hadn't heard his name spoken of before or since so I imagine he didn't do this to other children, and he was just curious.

Any help would be appreciated

When I was 11, I liked my classmate and he had the same feelings for me. The thing is, he had a porn addiction while I had no idea what even a handjob was.

I was young and dumb. For a long time, I thought that what we had was normal and that's just what people who like eachother do. So while I didn't want to, I had this kind of "that's what adults in relationship do, so there is no harm in doing it if he wants it so badly." mindset.

I thought that it will get better with time – but it's getting worse. I'm looking back at younger kids and realising "damn, no way I was having sex at that time." The older I get, the more I realise how young I actually was. I am jealous of people who were younger and even more clueless than I was.

I'm jealous of people who got raped and got to cry and fight back during it. I was talked over, helped with getting into the position, stripped naked and even got a kiss and cuddles after he was done with me. He knew that I didn't want to do it, so he'd negotiate by setting a timer on for a few minutes. After that, he'd stop. Not once did he cum, and strangely enough, that makes me really upset. He just tried it out, along with more things, like I was some sort of testing dummy.

I know that i am not the first or last person do feel like this. I have never told anyone about it and have been carrying for a long time without telling anyone. Will it get better? I've never really dared to call it rape, is it?

I’m a girl. My brother is 7 years older. Background: from about the time I was in middle school, I always felt my brother’s vibe towards me was weird, almost avoidant and ashamed. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s the same vibe as when someone can’t really look you in the eye (which he struggled to do with me also). And I have also always felt like I was sexually abused and didn’t remember it. But I always dismissed it because I felt like I was gaslighting myself for attention (even though it was only my personal thoughts that no one knew about). That feeling never went away but I had no memories of anything so I didn’t give it much thought. It’s also relevant to say that I was a chronic bedwetter and I wasn’t nighttime potty trained until I was about 9, so I wore pull-ups at night every night until the middle (January/February) of 3rd grade. So, my memory could’ve been from almost any age up until 9. I also had recurrent UTIs as a child and remember peeing blood and being in excruciating pain (my mom wouldn’t take me to the doctor until it was severe).

I am 29 now. About 4 years ago I suddenly remembered that I was raped when I was a child. The memory wasn’t the rape itself, but what happened immediately afterwards. The setting is me in my room with my brother and something had just happened and he was trying to leave. I was wearing a pull-up, and I felt that it was a little wet inside, so I checked the outside of the pull-up to see if the design appeared (stars or flowers or some design would illuminate once the inside of the pull-up was wet). And although the design hadn’t appeared, I said aloud (to my brother) that I was going to go change my pull-up. I remember not knowing if I should change it or not since the wetness indicator didn’t show that it was wet, even though I could feel it myself. I remember being conflicted and confused purely on an intellectual level, and I remember sharing that with my brother and asking him (or wondering out loud) how could I be wet and it’s not pee and not lighting up my pull-up design. I thought there was some mysterious liquid that didn’t trigger the wetness indicator on the pull-up. My brother’s response to the wetness that perplexed me, “that’s normal.” That’s all I remember him saying, as he was leaving the room, which he seemed to be trying to do throughout my entire memory of what happened (the aftermath).

Another memory of what happened came to me some time later. It could’ve been days or weeks or months after the first memory came to me. I believe it was of either the same day as the rape or maybe the next day or a day not long after it happened. But I was enthusiastically telling my older sister (1 year older than my brother) that there is a liquid that’s not pee that can get your pull-up wet without illuminating the wetness indicator design. And I remember her being like WTF and looking at my brother who I think was like trying to leave or just avoiding the conversation. And that’s all I remember about that.

The last memory, if it can be called that, that I have of the rape was triggered during sex. I was with my partner and we were just messing around, and he began penetrating me from an unusual angle (it was very casual and relaxed. we are very comfortable). Because of the angle and the fact that I wasn’t very wet (just a little wet idk how to describe this part), the penetration was shallow at first. And I don’t know if those details even matter but I’m trying to be thorough. But it immediately reminded me of the elastic around the leg holes of a pull-up. It was so unrelated in the moment. But it was an unusual type of penetration that my body immediately associated with the elastic of pull-up leg holes being stretched.

I don’t know what to do with these memories. I know they are real. I don’t remember what actually happened though, and I wonder if it’s worth trying to remember. I’ve considered EMDR or hypnotherapy. I don’t know if it matters. I don’t feel traumatized, at least on a conscious level. I just don’t know what to do with this. But it bothers me that I don’t remember it all. I want to know what happened. But I don’t know if it’s in my best interest.

If you made it this far, thank you. I’ve debated sharing this for a few years. I posted this on a different subreddit but maybe this one is more appropriate. I appreciate any advice or insight anyone has for me.

I’m scared I ruined her life, and even though she did what she did, she didn’t mean to and it wasn’t that bad but I told people about it anyway. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I regret telling anyone so deeply, I wish I could go back.

Hello everyone,

The Cornell 7 case recently triggered some memories from when I was a kid that I hadn’t really thought about in years. I had remembered them in passing before, usually as fragmented memories that left me feeling gross or uncomfortable, but I never really examined them.

When I was around 8 years old, my younger sister, who is about two years younger than me, and I started engaging in sexualized behavior. I remember it beginning with kissing and eventually leading to oral and groping and inspection of my intimates. Some of the memories are very fragmented, but I remember feelings on my body, while we played house and etc.

What I do remember is feeling scared and, at times, freezing or feeling like I was outside of my body. I also remember physical sensations that I now feel deeply uncomfortable and ashamed about.

I also remember my parents catching us once when we were getting close to doing something, although I there were other things they didn't see which went a lot further.

I don't know whether what happened should be called abuse, assault, or something else. I feel so grossed out I've been crying non-stop for days, I can't eat or sleep. I feel so dramatic. I have talked to my sister vaguely if she remembers anything from her childhood and she did tell me between the ages of 4 and 6, she may have been touched by our uncle.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm tired

This is a hard one for me to write, or even think about most of the time. I’m 27 now and only just recently been able to bring myself to report what happened to me as a child. I was a victim of cocsa, it started around the age of 6 with inappropriate sexual behaviour and continued up until he raped me at age 13. After that I did whatever I could to never be in the same space as him again.

I’ve spent my whole life carrying around so much guilt and shame and anger about my childhood. I’ve developed so many mental health problems from not only the abuse but also the confusion that came with it. Not being able to talk about it, questioning whether it was really that bad, questioning if it could really be classed as abuse if he was the same age as me. The anger I felt but having nowhere to place it as he was also young and probably abused himself. I lost almost my entire childhood and teenage years to mental illness, and even now it’s still a daily struggle just to get through the day sometimes.

And now, at the age of 27, after dealing with it on my own in my head for over a decade, I’ve reported it. Do I expect much to come from it? No, not at all. But for the sake of my own mental health, I had to. Every single time I’ve thought about it or remembered something the same questions run through my head; ‘what if I’m not the only one?’ ‘What if it’s a pattern of behaviour that he still exhibits now?’ ‘What if me saying something helps even 1 other person?’

I don’t know if I was the only one, I don’t know if he’s still like that, I don’t know any of the answers to those questions. All I know is that I couldn’t keep quiet any longer on the off chance that my report could potentially help someone else. For my own peace of mind, I’ve done all I can do, and now I can work on finally closing this door.

What happened to me has left me deeply wounded and it’s something I will be paying for for the rest of my life. And even if the report goes nowhere, at least I know there will be a record of it, and I no longer have to suffer in silence.

Like 3 years ago when I was 10, I had this one family friend who 13-14 (maybe older) at a party my family hosted for their friends, she came.

For some context, we are all religious and I supported her and her gf but at that party she asked if I ever kissed a girl, told her I was straight.

Great, you would think she was done but after a while she started practically begging me to let her kiss me in which I refused MULTIPLE times.

She wouldn't stop tho, eventually after 2 minutes of arguing, she went under the sheets so i could kiss her.

She kept pulling on me so I eventually gave in to this girl I thought was cool and looked up to, and after I felt disgusting, not cuz i kissed a girl even tho i'm not a lesbian, but i felt forced into it by someone older, never told my family.

OH AND she still comes over and used that as blackmail.

We are friends still, it's moreover that she likes me, and i'm forced to hang out with this 16 yr old or she might actually go thru with her blackmail.

Idk what to do, I am still clearly affected by it. But I NEED validation, is it sa?

(repost since on teen vent I only got one guy saying it isn't, I need atleast 3)

Hi everyone ❤️

My boyfriend was repeatedly sexually abused when he was very young, around 4–5 years old, by an 8-year-old girl who lived nearby.

This was therefore a case of abuse perpetrated by a girl against a boy, a reality that is very rarely talked about. I would like to give space and value to this kind of experience too. I’m asking because I would like to better understand my boyfriend’s experience, but I also know that everyone’s response to trauma is deeply individual.

So I was wondering if you would be willing to share your experience and, if you feel comfortable doing so, also talk about what psychological effects you feel it has had on you throughout your life.

I would also like to know, for those who feel that this is connected to their own experience, what your relationship with women and with femininity is like, and whether it has changed in any way. When I talk about “femininity,” I don’t mean only women, but also your own feminine side or feminine self, understood as that part of us that can exist regardless of our gender. Of course, I don’t think that abuse necessarily has to have affected your relationship with femininity or with women: I am simply curious to hear about the different experiences of people who have gone through something similar.

I will read your stories with the utmost sensitivity, respect, and empathy. I am not here to judge, question, or interpret anyone’s experiences, but simply to listen and understand.

Thank you truly, from the bottom of my heart, to anyone who feels willing to share such a personal part of their story with me. ❤️

he fucking thought about it. he looked up how to do it to me before he did it.
I literally seen it on his search history, years ago - and I'm just now putting two and two together
He pre-meditated it god damn it.
I can't
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to process it
He fucking thought about it. It wasn't impulsive. He thought about it. He wanted this. Why the fuck would he think about it??? Why the fuck would he watch videos on YouTube on how to use the ropes??? Why did he want to do that to me?? Why DID he do that to me???