r/COCSA

From god knows what age up until i was about 9 or 10, I was assaulted by my cousin brother (3 years older, my younger cousin (3 years younger than me) was also complicit sometimes but I think he too was far too young to understand what was happening. The only reason I know its real is because even back then, I had the language for assault (not COCSA per say, but general SA) and spent years thinking about it, even if it now, years later, it feels like just a bad dream.

A very important memory for me is when we were playing in our 'sewing room' (basically where she operated her tailor shop from at the time). I do not remember what we were 'playing' but I know it devolved into me being forced to strip, and them examining the red marks on my body (newly forming stretch marks due to puberty' and touching them. I explicitly did not want to be touched, nor did I find it fun. I remember trying to run away from the tailor shop but them holding the door to it shut. I don't remember how I got out, or if I had to endure it.

Another time, I was forced to touch his private parts my putting my hands in his pants. Whether it was an apology for him touching mine, or him wanting to touch mine but me not letting him (so me being forced to play with his penis was some sort of 'compromise'), I don't remember, but I remember managing to run out of his room and then upstairs. Then once, he had fingered me through my clothes so many times it caused a hole in the crotch of my favourite jumpsuit. I never wore it again.

I really despised having to visit my grandmother's house. I knew this was assault, I knew I should've told someone, but I didn't. I didn't want to impact my mother's relationship with her family for my sake because courtesy of arranged marriages, I was aware they were the only emotional support my mother had, even at my young age. So I kept my mouth shut. Pretend it never happened, pretend it didn't affect me at all. I would have unwanted flashbacks sometimes that would cause me immense distress. I even stopped trusting other male family members including my own father and grandfather. (who are not abusers. It actually caused a huge rift in my relationship with my father because I could not trust him, but slowly we are growing closer again.). Then I stopped thinking about it.

Fast forward to the present, I think enough time has passed for me to contemplate everything that's happened and process it. Thinking about that time still brings me distress, but not as much as it used to, and I can control when and what I think about it. Right now, what I'm thinking about is sexuality. Due to my experiences as a child I've been very hypersexual. A lot of the material I would consume, from the age of 11, would be CNC or incest (mostly Male-Female, written, not visual. Though when watching porn I was still okay with incest.) Almost everything I consumed (and to an extent consume), is straight, even if I'm not particularly turned on by straight sex and CNC and incest has started feeling incredibly disgusting.

In real life, I do not find myself wanting to be with men, at all. I'm repulsed by them. But I also want male attention (even if bad. One time, I had a teacher I suspect of being a pedophile, and I was absolutely disgusted by that thought, but would constantly check if he was looking at me or not. If he wasn't, I would try to look sexier for him, despite very clearly finding him perverted, terrible and filthy.) I also don't enjoy watching lesbian porn. (or maybe I do, I just don't enjoy the perverted versions of it, and straight CNC and incest are all i consume currently .)

I wonder, am I attracted to women because I feel unsafe around men, or is my weird attraction to men because of my childhood trauma and I'm simply attracted to women?

I was 11M and he was 10/9M. I'm still underage btw.

So I went to my friend's house to hang out, and we watched a movie in his living room and his mom said it's too scary so we went to his room instead. We put on a diff movie(I think it's the Barbie movie) and he locked the door, then he paused the movie and showed me 🌽. I asked him what it was and he said: "it's what parents do when they're alone. " He then asked me if I wanted to do it and I agreed because I was scared he was gonna judge me. He said that he wanted to be the guy so I had to be the girl. He then took off his pants and we'll y'know. He did it in the mouth for a while then he did penetration. He used one of his parents condoms because they did it in the video. It hurt and I'm scared to tell my parents because I think they will judge me. Last year in school I had sex Ed and it's just then I found out about it being wrong.

I'm a victim of COCSA which I experienced at the age of 9. A pattern I recognized is that out of every bad thing that happens in childhood, sexual abuse is almost guaranteed to make someone suicidal with a miserable life. I've had arguably one of the worst weeks of my life and just wanted to ask yall that. Is happiness even possible?

Hello. I need an answer if it counts as COCSA

so when I was like 7 years old, I had a friend who was like 10 years old. i can't remember everything but he asked me to come with him to our playhouse. Inside, he laid me down on the mini couch and got on top of me and touched me on my chest and my waist without me wanting it. He also kinda grinded against me? But that's all that happened. But does that count? Because im unsure if im not just overreacting. Also, sorry for my English. it's not my first language.

19M When I was 14 I went on a walk in my neighborhood. And this 16M talked to me and we were talking. I didn’t have any sexual attraction towards him. And his cousins falsely accused me of liking him. And they said that we should have sex and I said no. Due to being autistic and being heavily abused at home and not having an education system. I didn’t know how to navigate this dangerous situation. So 2 of the kids out of the group 2 12 yo guys. And the 16 yo boy lured me behind a dog house. And the other guys stood in front of the dog house. And while me and this guy are behind the dog house.

He pulls out his penis and coerces me into oral sex. And I said “ what if the others see I don’t wanna do this”. And he says “ just come on do it there not gonna see”. And so I did it because he wouldn’t stop asking.Then his little brother runs behind the dog house and sees this disgusting thing I was forced to do by him and the whole group of kids. And the group of kids also came behind the dog house as well and laughed. He then runs somewhere else and coerces me to do it again.So Iater on while I’m looking for the others to hang out with them.

He pops out of nowhere and pulls down his pants and lures me into someone’s backyard and coerces me into oral sex again. And then he made me remove my clothing and then he raped me very badly it hurt so bad and I mentioned that and he didn’t care and told me to “ just take it”.And before he let me leave he made me swallow his semen. And after that he said “ go home and don’t tell anyone”. I went home and checked my boxers because my bottom area was hurting and I had blood on my boxers. 1 month later I told my mom and her friend about this situation.

And they were highly abusive about it they sexualized me. And told me I wanted it. And my mom said I was being a “hoe”. And one night my mom friend pulled tarot cards and asked the cards “ should I beat this child” and then she beat me. I think she was going through spiritual psychosis and projected that shit on to me. They also made fun of me and said that I slept with the guy. And made jokes about my sa. I wouldn’t even had been in this situation had my family raised me better and had not treated me like shit my whole entire life. My mom’s friend whooped me with an iPhone cord that night she did beat me she also called me a “ whore “. And my mom sat there and allowed it and cheered her friend on. My mom and her friend punished me the summer of 2021 is when all of this took place. And she decided to make me watch kids the whole summer to teach me a “lesson” . They also told me “ no more hoe clothing” which I don’t even see how crop tops are that type of clothing it just shows your stomach and that’s it. And they took away all my crop tops and wore them themselves. They took also away my phone.

This situation fucked me up so bad I am now 19 going on 20 and it still fucks with me sometimes the lack of support I had. And the fact that those kids did that to me. It’s even hard to talk about this without getting mad. I was so angry typing this. I made this post because I had a flashback about this situation due to having ptsd. I ended up doing a tarot spread on healing sexual trauma about this situation to help me get through this cause I never fully healed from it.

Throwaway because a few people ik irl have my main and nobody knows I was raped.

I guess I'm kinda just looking for validation that what happened to me counts and that I'm allowed to be angry about it. I know it's like by definition rape and I wouldn't tell anyone else that's gone through the same stuff I have that it's not rape or that it doesn't count but it's different with me somehow. I just make up these reasons as to why it's not rape or why it's my fault and stuff.

I (16M) used to get raped by my older sister (20F.) I'm not sure how old exactly I was when it started but my best guess is somewhere around 6 years old. She's a little over 4 years older than me so she woulda been around 10 at the time. I'm not sure how long it went on for but it happened more times than I can count. I'd guess it lasted a few years. I don't remember very many details. I blocked a lot of it out.

But it started with her coming into my room and convincing me to "let her" do stuff on me (oral) once. After she did it once, she used that as blackmail to get me to go further. She convinced me I was the one in the wrong and that I'd be in trouble if I told anyone because it was my fault for agreeing with something so digusting. She knew it was wrong. And I constantly have to remind myself of that. I tell myself that "she was a kid too" so it wasn't her fault and I'm not allowed to blame or hate her. But she knew. She knew it was wrong and she manipulated and blackmailed me. I had a huge attachment to a certain stuffed animal that I'd had since I was a baby and she'd threaten to "kill" him if I didn't do what she wanted.

It kept getting worse and more frequent. She'd make me touch myself infront of her or she'd touch herself and make me watch. Eventually she made me do stuff back to her, which made me really believe it was my fault. Because I was the one going along with it. And she knew that and used that against me even more. She knew I'd keep my mouth shut about it because I was so ashamed.

We also had a puppy at the time. She never liked dogs and usually didn't bother with her, but she knew I loved dogs. So she'd assault the dog infront of me and make the dog lick her privates and then make her do the same to me. That bothered me more than most of the shit that happened because I blamed myself for it. I don't think she would've done that if I didn't love dogs. I think she did it to hurt me. I feel awful about it. Especially because I was too scared to stop it.

She'd mainly assault me in my room but she also used to come in when I was in the bath and do stuff to me or just look at me naked. She had a friend that would come over sometimes too and she'd make me get naked infront of them both. I don't remember if her friend ever touched me or anything but I remember they'd both make me get naked and dance and stuff because thought it was super funny. Eventually we also ended up sharing a room so it got worse for a while before it stopped. Well, the assault anyways. She randomly stopped touching me and kinda just pretended none of that ever happened. I used to wonder if she even remembered what happened. I was so scared she did because I still thought it was my fault and I was embarrassed about it and felt so gross. I had a huge fear of her telling anyone. She never did. Of course she didn't.

The assault led to me trying to masturbate by myself to try and get some sort of control back over my body or something. I'm not really sure. I'm asexual and sex repulsed so it was super uncomfortable but I guess I was just trying to get some power back. I did it a few times and one time she walked in on me. And guess what she did? Threatened to tell my mom and used it as a way to get to comply. So I obviously never did that again.

The assault stopped but she was always still very creepy to me and sexually harassed me the whole time she lived here. She moved out when she was 18. So she was still being super weird towards me until I was 14 and able to block her and go no contact. She'd make super odd sexual comments to me and stare at or say things about my body. She'd intentionally talk about her sex life right infront of me in disgusting detail and when I expressed discomfort with it or told her to stop or go away she would laugh and start talking directly to me about it. She'd use a butter knife to pick the lock when I showered and she'd come in and talk to me while I was showering. I was very obviously super uncomfortable with this but that didn't stop her. It encouraged her. She'd also randomly open the shower curtain and super obviously look at my naked body. I'd tell her to stop and cover myself with my hands and shut the curtain and she knew I was very obviously extremely uncomfortable. But she'd laugh and make up weird excuses and try to play it off. Like "oh well you didn't answer me" or "I wanted to see if we had anymore shampoo." Sometimes she'd literally just come in and sit on the toilet lid like it was a seat and eat her food while I showered. Just any excuse to see me naked or make me uncomfortable. She thought it was so funny. This stuff happened up until the point she moved out. I never told my family about her raping me but I did constantly express concern and discomfort to my mom about all the creepy shit she says or does aside from that. My mom knows about all the more recent stuff and never did anything or thought it was odd. The only people that think it was weird are 2 of my little sisters who she had also been doing that stuff to. I don't think she raped either of them. I hope not. But she was creepy to them aswell. Not to the same extent but it was enough to make them very uncomfortable around her.

I never realized that it was rape until a few months before she moved out. I had mostly blocked it out and tried to ignore it. I truly thought I was at fault and she did nothing wrong. I continued to act as normal as possible towards her. This is another reason why I still blame myself or think maybe I'm overreacting. We acted like what I thought was normal for siblings aside from the assault and creepiness. Which I guess might've been me trying to cope with having to see her everyday. Idk.

As we got older I started to hate her for other reasons but I could never let myself hate her or blame her for the rape. I still feel bad for hating her over it because she was still a kid. But it started when she was around 10 and continued for around a few years. By that age she should've more than known better, right? I sure as hell did. My younger siblings did. And she obviously did know it was wrong and thought my discomfort was funny. She never acknowledged her past behavior or changed how she acts. I mean, she stopped assaulting me but she still harassed me and fed off my discomfort and thought it was the funniest thing ever until she moved out. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to hate her for it though. She's an awful person even if she never assaulted me so I hate her anyways but am I allowed to hate her for raping me? It really messed me up and I know it was awful but was it her fault?

I know that a lot of the time when kids do this stuff it's because they're repeating what's been done to them. But I don't think that's what happened with her. I mean, it's possible. But I think it was just the fact she had unrestricted internet access and would watch a lot of messed up shit and learn from it. That, and my older brother would show us both really messed up porn and stuff when we were little. She learned to do a lot of other messed up things from the internet so I'm pretty sure that's what happened with this. But whether the reason is she was assaulted herself or just learned this behavior online, that stuff isn't really her fault. So is her behavior her fault? I mean she did continue being super creepy and harassing me until she moved out so idk. I'm so conflicted. Is it fair to blame her? Am I messed up for hating her due to this? Is it somewhat my fault for not doing more to stop it?

Be kind, please.

When i was around 6 me and my older brother (who was 9) would go into each other’s beds in the morning before our parents woke up to play. However one day he initiated a game called ‘doctor’ and he said to not tell my mom about this new game. In this game he said we would take turns checking eachothers bodies. Hopefully this is pretty self explanatory but it was mainly focused on the private areas and we did take turns on each other. Occasionally he did try to stick small foreign objects in there as well. So i would say we played that game like a couple times, and then one day my mom walks in on us and its me butt naked with my brother behind me and was asked what was going on and then my brother pinned it on me and said we were role playing as animals and that i said animals dont wear pants (which i definitely didnt say). After this i dont think it happened again and my mom never really said anything and i guess it was all left in the past. Around the years i did try to use the game as a threat to snitch on my brother and he would always say pretend like he didnt remember what i was talking about, which i know is 100% an act.

So essentially i dont really know if i was a victim? Because technically i did consent so no one was forcing me to do this and we did do it to each other. This is really confusing to me and i would really appreciate if someone gave some opinions and answers on this so thanks if you do.

Ps. Sorry for any typos if there are any 😁

I was 13 and my boyfriend (at the time) was also 13. He was addicted to pornography, would constantly send me images and videos like that, along with gore videos. It got to a point where he wanted to have sex with me. I didn't want to have sex at that time, but he begged and I wanted him to love me. So I let him. I was just laid motionless, pretty much fully clothed and he would wrap both of his hands around my neck and strangle me while it happened. This happened every day for a month. The exact same situation, I didn't want to but didn't know how to say no really. I wasn't emotionally or physically or mentally ready for sex, obviously, but I let him. Does this mean it was my fault anyways? I could've stood my ground and said no. But I was also 13 dealing with a porn-addicted 13 year old who wanted sex more than anything else in the world. I was groomed before (17 and an 18 year old while I was 11-12) and let them talk to me sexually, so I was sort of desensitised to sexual subjects at this point. Was I wrong? Is it abuse? I know his intentions weren't bad, he was a kid too. But I don't know, the pressure feels weird. I have no idea why this memory is only coming up and bothering me now while I am 20 years old.

Thanks for reading if you did.

I (18) have 2 half siblings (F10 and M7) and they are getting way too close for my liking. At first I thought I was being paranoid but recently alarm bells have been going off in my head but I have no clue what to do.

My dad and stepmum are divorced and the kids live with their mum most of the time but occasonally I babysit them at my dads for the day. They're always playing together in seperate rooms to me but sometimes they get extremely giggly and start whispering so I go check on them and they're in eachothers personal space and messing around too much. Most of the time it's my brother instigating this and he often follows my sister into the bathroom or calls her into an empty room. Even in public they're hugging eachother too close for it to be 'cute'. I haven't seen anything exactly explicit yet but I'm worried I've just missed things.

In the past they've done some stuff which I haven't liked, for example using a toy camera to take pictures of eachothers bums. This never really got addressed. My brother often starts talking about boobs to be cheeky, and apparently he asked my stepmum for 'milk' and to 'play with them'. That was the last straw for me which is why I'm making this post. My stepmum is the kind of person to just say 'oh stop being silly' and laugh it off as 'boys being boys' but I'm getting really uncomfortable. My dad has noticed all this too and has tried talking to them but they're at their mums most of the time so it doesn't make much difference.

I was raised by a much stricter mother than my siblings so I naturally tend to get stern with them if I see them getting too 'silly' as we call it and get out of eachothers personal space but it seems that I'm basically the only person in the family doing it. I wouldn't be at all surprised if my stepmum has been watching inappropriate stuff and they've seen it or something, along with the fact that both kids often sleep in the same bed with her. The way my brother especially is acting I'm terrified he's going to be weird around other kids and become some kind of pervert when he's older.

Basically, I need to know how to stop this behaviour before it's too late. I feel like raising my voice won't help but I don't know how else to get them to understand that what they're doing is wrong (predominantly my brother).

Hello, I’m gonna delete this at some point but I’m a victim of child on child Sa.
I was a black girl in a Hispanic county where there were barely any, I had faced racism and discrimination nearly everyday at school.
I had no friends other than an older janitor lady.
We were in elementary I think, I remember a lot but also not too much. I think I was 5 or maybe around 7.

A boy I used to have class with pressured and told me if I did “things” with him then he would be my friend, I think he was around the same age as me.
This went on for almost a whole year during school pickup where he would take me to a restroom and try to do things with me, I just wanted one single friend.
When we were caught by the teacher I got punished despite him being the one ontop of me, my mom thought I was being stupid with boys and I was chased around a car with a belt as she laughed with her friends.

It’s been over 10 years now, I live in America, and I cannot stand thinking about it.
I hate him. I wish nothing but the worst for him. I wish he somehow died. God I hate him so much it burns to even write this.

But believe it or not I’m a rather calm person, even sometimes too anxious to talk unless it’s people I know and love.
But when I think about this it confuses me and makes me so goddamn angry I wanna cry.

I hate going into TikTok and looking for any type of support and then seeing people call him a victim as well, I hate going into others stories about being a victim and people telling them that the other is just a kid too and they probably went through something.
I hate seeing those disgusting people who did it to other kids and talk about how “sorry” they are, about how they were a victim too and didn’t know what they were doing, I hate how remorseful they try to sound.
I hate feeling so goddamn angry.
I’m now 17 and I still can’t seem to be less angry,
I hate that I told my mom and now that she realizes what happened she acts so different to me and she went along to tell my dad about it too.
I hate everything so much, I hate him. I wish he was dead, I hope he is dead.

I’m writing this while holding back tears, I don’t know how to stop feeling so hurt.
I just want it to stop, I want to stop seeing people cuddle those who did it to other poor victims like me and pay their backs because “you were just a kid”.

I hate him.

Major trigger warning: I had to remove part of this because it was taken down but I (17m) was r worded and m worded from ages 10-13 by my brother who was ages 12-15 and i was hoping to talk to another guy about my experience but i want to say that the things i have to say are some of the most horrific things that anyone can experience and are more graphic than some people can handle but if anyone is willing to listen and share their own experience id like that, id prefer if you were a guy but if you're not its okay. I'm ready to share what happened to me and i'm hoping it'll help me get past it so i can hopefully move past it.

I have a sister (a yr older) and let be begin by saying she’s a master manipulator and liar. When we got to be teenagers, she would tell me that I slept with my hand in my underwear. I have no recollection of that behavior. And as an adult, I’ve never done such thing. It wasn’t until I grew up and I began to realize how would she even know such thing if she wasn’t standing over my bed and pulled the sheets over . What if it was her hands down my pj’s? She also told me she was aware of the scar on my lower stomach-no one has ever known. The only way she would have known is if she pulled my pants down. It’s creepy she admitted that she would stand over my bed and watch me sleep.
I need to know how to navigate all of this. Amongst the fact that she made me perform a sexual act on her when we were young-I had no clue what I was doing . It wasn’t until I moved out on my own and researched cocsa and it hit me that I had been violated. Mind you, she has never apologized to me for what she did.

I was sexually harrassed by an old friend repeatedly and I don’t know what to call it bc I was never assaulted

when i was 7-8 I would hang out with these 2 twin girls who were 5-6, they lived in the same neighborhood as me and our parents were friends so naturally we had some play dates. We would play inside with toys and outside with scooters, we were just playing like normal little girls at first but after I started getting closer to them and hanging out with them more often they started to flash me and like spread there lips down there apart to show me themselves, every once and a while, I told them that only parents should see privet parts because that’s what I was told as a kid. Kids tease each other that’s normal, but they’d do it in a way that wasn’t normal. they’d think I was the weird one for not showing myself because apparently that’s what close friends were supposed to do. they’d like hump each other in front of me and make a lot of butt jokes.

They were young they didn’t know any better but thinking about it now i’m kinda concerned as to where they learnt all that stuff from. When we got closer before they started with all the flashing stuff they asked me multiple times if I wanted to join their “sisters adult club” or something similar to that, when I said yes there wasn’t any adult in that “club” that I know of. I also didn’t know that the club activity’s would be that, I thought they ment we’d still play together normally but call it a club for fun. I did eventually tell on them by telling their mom that they kept pulling their pants down (I was a very shy kid and they were my friends so I didn’t want them to get in trouble but I just got so annoyed and uncomfortable I had to) I told there mom that they kept pulling their skirt down, which is true but the mom took it as they were doing it to show off their cute underwear, which that was not what they were doing. they took their underwear off first before flipping their skirt up showing themselves, and they’d like touch each other down there, I feel so grossed out talking about it. I only told there mom when they kept trying and to touch me, and trying to get me to touch them. and I wasn’t brave enough to tell her everything because I didn’t want to snitch on my friends to there mom.

at family friend parties they would hump each other (with there clothes on) when all the kids were playing in the basement alone. none of them including me realized how disturbing it was because we were so young I didn’t really understand what was happening I just knew that I was uncomfortable. They moved away a long time ago and I do really hope those girls are okay, that was very clearly learnt behavior and no child should be exposed to those kinds of things. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a victim of COCSA because they never touched me down there unclothed, but I do feel like this must’ve given me some type of trauma

I hear stories of people who was raped by adult while they were children and their abuse just sounds worse than mine. what happened to me just sounds so unserious comparing to their expierence. I also dont expierence any trauma symptoms, i always was just ashamed of what happened, didnt wanted anyone to know cuz i knew they could used it against me so when i see survivor who deals with trauma daily i feel like what happened to me werent bad.

As a kid, my (1.5 years) older brother consistently bullied me and did sexually abuse me through indecent exposure and non-consensually exposing me to porn. But there's another incident that is unclear to me.

When we were pre-teens, there were multiple times when we'd be home alone and he'd start wrestling with me. It would be completely silent and not at all playful. He'd wrestle me to the ground and pin me down. He'd pull me back into it when I'd get back up. We have never spoken about it, even now that we're adults, which is odd to me because if it was just silly wrestling we did as kids, you'd think it wouldn't be a topic we'd never revisit or discuss. This is especially odd to me because most of what we do when we're together is reminisce about fun, silly kid stuff we did in childhood.

I guess I'm confused on if this qualifies because he technically didn't do anything overtly sexual, but every time this happened I was very worried that it was going to turn into that. I remember wondering "is he going to r*pe me?" multiple times during these situations.

So I guess my question is, can something be sexual abuse if the other person's actions aren't overtly sexual, but you're worried that they're acting in a sexual way?

For context me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 months now and in recent months have had a fairly sexually active relationship where getting each other off and general touching is pretty much normalized. Looking at the situation I believe putting myself into this position was a mistake because this is both our first major relationship. It’s also important to note that we our both very open about our bodies and how we look. However she has never seen me without an erection and yesterday she really wanted to because I was flavor and she heard that when they are flavor they are “cute”. I told her no at first but she replied that she’d do anything at which point I still said no so she continued to try and convince me to let her see it at which point I folded and told her she could see it. She then immediately reach for my waist band and I reacted by pulling away and walking away. She then caught back up to me and pull my pants just below my waist to where she could see my dick. I then became upset with her but soon after made up because she made out with me. For the rest of the day I didn’t really think much of it but now I realize I was seriously uncomfortable and wanted to say no but I didn’t want to upset her or embarrass her so I ended up saying she could. I also don’t believe she had any mal intent and was just curious but I think I was very obviously uncomfortable with it. I also don’t want to bring this up to her to not make her upset or feel guilty or make me seem like I’m seeking attention because she had been sa’d in the past a couple of times by other people where in the flip side I don’t believe I have been. But anyway I would really love to receive some advice on how I should handle this with her or how I can process this or atleast whether I was or was not a vicitim.

I’m not really sure if what I went through was COCSA. But I used to have sleepovers with this kid and we would play this porn game called touch my body. He introduced it to me. I did not say no. Sometimes I would act like I was asleep to not play. But sometimes I said yes and would feel guilty after. These games started when I was 5 and after a few years if ended. Then it started with another kid. I would go to school and they would ask to go with the bathroom with me. I didn’t scream. I followed them into that stall. But I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to say no. Therefore if can’t be SA with? But I’m jsut so confused because how tf am I suppose to know how to say no at 8?? I couldn’t tell my parents in either situations cause one was close fam friends and the other was a girl and my parents are homophobic. Both of these situations went on for months or years. I’m constantly confused and sometimes (including right now) I feel like I “delete” most of my memories but then it floods back in and I jsut csnt take it. I feel like I only just understood what happened recently and I don’t know whag this is. Is this just experimenting?? I just need to move on but I feel like I’m going in loops. I keep coming back to this and I wanna move on but I don’t really know how. I think the fact that both kids were my age is what confuses me and the fact that I didn’t scream or seek help (but I just didn’t know how to tell someone so idk). I also have other experiences but can someone tell me why I have so many experiences with this like wtf why was I a magnet?? I mean I was a pretty lonely kid. I don’t know what to do because I’ve been told that it is COCSA but I just feel like I’m victimising myself. But please tell me, is this COCSA? Or do you need more details to know?