r/COCSA

I am an adult now. (18f).

I worked with my therapist today on unpacking things and it popped up. Not super loud, but super quietly.

There’s always this lingering feeling that I’m always unsafe and I can recall some things but I’m not 100% sure if they happened. But I swear something similar must’ve happened.

Its not loud most of the time. The one time it did get loud I buried it again.

I remember most of my childhood being good with my parents but I always get these dreams (to this day) about people I trust raping me, including family and friends.

I’ve had these dreams since I was 6, not exactly the same, but people were violating me. And I was jerking off from the age of 4 to harsh things (I had no internet access)

I feel nauseous typing this and idk if I want to unpack all of this.

I remember being 6 years old, going to a friends house, and meeting this kid who was 2-3 years older than me at the time.

He made me feel unsafe every time I was around him. And I know he was just a kid too and I don’t blame him.

I can recall him backing me into a corner, putting me in a dog cage and touching my thigh while putting on a Barbie movie to distract me.

I recall him having a crush on me and the adults mentioning years later that he has trauma.

I remember a dark room very clearly when I was alone with him. (I think He tried that often) but I don’t remember anything else other than leaving and feeling like my stomach hurt.

To this day I consider myself fairly hypersexual and I guess for context I do struggle with major depression and anxiety.

The times I’ve had consensual sex with my last boyfriend, even though I was aroused, I was never able to get penetrated long or at all because it hurt really bad and my body kept rejecting the act.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have that kind of sex again it hurts me too much and is too painful.

Idk what’s going on honestly, but something must have happened and I’m scared if I remember then I ll have to live with it.

so I don't really talk about it but does it count if I was almost 12 and he was 15? I was also aware what was happening but from what I remember I just kind of froze and dissociated?

I’ve experienced hyper sexuality from my very childhood, the cocsa I went through isn’t really something I heard much about or maybe it’s because I tend to invalid my experience all the time so it’s hard for me to relate because I feel like other people had it worse, but what happened involved the person touching my face as well as my hands with their genitalia (we were both girls) without asking while we bathed, during that they repeated phrases from a violent porn video we saw and before that they threatened to do it to me if I don’t listen to them, is it valid for me to assume that my hyper sexuality came also from that? Or am I just reaching because I often feel like I’m just being dramatic

To start off when I was about 6 or 7 years old I had a neighbor. We’re both male btw. I dont know exactly how it started but he definitely got me to do it. But basically we were practicing @ral. I didn’t know that it was wrong or that it was gay so I didn’t think anything of it. what’s really fucked up is that I did the same thing to my cousin around the same time. we started to do it again in middle school for some reason. At that time I knew it was wrong but idk… we just did it. And none of what I said was just a one time thing. I have so much guilt and disgust and it’s all just so weird. *psa* don’t leave your kids alone too long with other kids.

Some backstory, as a kid I was raped, molested, and sexually assaulted from the age of 5 to 11 by many different people of many different ages. I have a best friend who I’ve known since diapers. She’s been with me through thick and thin, and I love her with all my heart. When we were about 7, maybe 8, I had this tablet of sorts. At that time, I had an 18 year old “bf” who told me to record myself naked and touching my body for him to have. She came over for a sleepover; I told her we should film a video of us naked dancing, and during that I touched her “boobs” her butt and her vagina and “kissed” her. I’m certain she does not remember bc of lots of other trauma she experienced growing up and she doesn’t rlly remember most of her childhood. I only remembered when I was about 13 and I haven’t told anyone. I feel sick. I was also a victim of COCSA so it makes me feel terrible to know I put someone else through that. She highly suspects she was molested as a kid but doesn’t know when or by who. Do I tell her? Do I tell anyone? It’s killing me

Anyone who are a victim of cocsa or csa do you ever felt a resentment towards adult involves who had failed to protect you especially your parents and do you ever grieve the life you wouldve had if you werent a victim?

When I was 10 or 11, I was in the bathtub with my younger brother (7 or 8) and he said "watch this" and proceeded to masturbate until he had an erection.

I was genuinely shocked and thought it was cool?? I had no idea it was sexual, and proceeded to ask him to do it again. He said no, but I think i may have rubbed it myself at that point.

It was so gross and I feel horrified when I remember it. We were also way too old to be taking baths together. I genuinely meant nothing by it, I didn't realize it was such a sensitive thing I don't think? I didn't even know what masturbation was. I'm worried I traumatized him though. Our relationship is rocky and he doesn't like me very much.

I recently came to the realization of how my cousin used her influence and power on me was not okay. Especially when I was 13. During summer 2021 me and my girlfriend (family friend) at the time were at my cousins house. All three of us were alone in the living room listening to music. I don’t remember how we got to the topic but my cousin Julianna kept asking what it felt like to make out. Feeling pressured and reluctant me and my girlfriend did not want to kiss in front of her. but she constantly tried to persuade us into it. She didn’t think the first kiss was good enough and made us kiss again. Afterwords she made us describe it to her. Not only this but she would ask invasive sexual questions about masturbating to me and my girlfriend until we answered. The whole time being uncomfortable and afraid of what she might do or say to others. She had this habit and still asks these things on occasion but what makes it all unsettling is the comments. On two notable occasions she has called me attractive especially saying I look like her celebrity crush. This on its own isn’t much but she made a statement that she would date me if I was not related to her and if I was a man. She still scares me and knows how much control she has over me as she is manipulating and intimidating.

So, for years I've had memories that I can't decipher which are real and fake. I don't know if it was because I was sadly introduced and probably influenced by pornography from a young age since i always had unrestricted internet access. But I've had memories probably from when I was around 5-8/9 years old where I engaged in sexual acts with my older sister, multiple times. Distinct memories, that I've chosen to ignore so now I don't know if it was real or not, but I truly do believe I still remember the exact smell of yk what. And I have a great relationship with my older sister, she's only a few year older than me and nothing has ever happened since or even in conversation and when alone, we suppprt each other. Recently she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression and is on medication, which was always prevelant and my dad is undiagnosed but MOST likely autistic or on the spectrum. Our parents weren't abusive but more so not always there to look after us so we are never supervised and they are also extremely religious, so daily prayers and God being brought into everything was pretty normal for us. Me and my sister are not religious anymore though, for personal reasons.

I ask this because I wonder if due to this, I'm more sexual than I should be, or that by interacting with this content on unrestricted YouTube, and making me look at my own mother a certain way at night and touch areas when I used to share a bed with her, which is disgusting which is never brought up between us.

I want to approach life normally but I'm also extremely insecure and I feel like I can't look at people normally, without looking at people's private areas and comparing it to mine.

I've also been told that I have similar traits that my father has, I'm not close to him and haven't lived with him in years and my parents aren't divorced. So I would like advice, thank you.

Hello everyone. I am 20F (will be 21 next month) and this is my first post. I have always been an avid reddit reader, but could not find a post similar to my issue. I sincerely apologize if this is not in the correct group, and will remove if I need to. I am in desperate need of advice. I am going to try to make this as short as possible, so I apologize if it is long.

TL;DR: My sibling sexually assaulted me continuously for a month when I was 8 and they were 16. The trauma buried itself under other traumas and issues since I have severe depression and has just now started to affect me. I have cut off my sibling and want my mom to cut them off as well. Am I wrong?

I believe some brief background information is needed. My sibling and I are 8 years apart and they are my only sibling. They were 16 when they sexually assaulted me continuously for a month while I was 8 years old. By this time, we were both living with our single mother who worked at our school as a teacher. Our father was abusive (more mentally than physically) and left when I was little. I never remembered living with him and only had to endure him on various weekends, but my sibling got the most of the abuse. They were old enough to remember living with him and the abuse that was caused at a young age.

I do not remember much about the specifics of the abuse. In fact, I do not remember much of my life. Without going into details that don’t pertain specifically to this, I want to say that I have experienced multiple types of trauma from my family and friends and have had a very much non-enjoyable life. My therapist says I have blocked out most of my school life as I don’t even remember much about high school. My mother tells me it supposedly only happened when my sibling was babysitting me and my mom was not home. I remember a couple of specific instances that I will not describe, and just a feeling of being very uncomfortable when I was in my siblings room.

I eventually told a friend on the playground (I don’t remember how) and she told her mom and they went straight to CPS. My sibling went to court and was out of the house for over a year doing therapy and such. During this time, they stayed in a hotel with our father while my mom stayed home with me. Eventually, after lots of therapy, they were reintegrated back into our home.

Fast forward to me being older, for some reason the assault never bothered me. I never thought about it ever and it never affected me to see my sibling. I think it may be of note to add that my sibling transitioned (MTF) right before I graduated high school and has been married for 4 years (they are actually getting a divorce as of last week but anyways) and I have always been very supportive and loving. My mom believes the abuse she inflicted on me is the main reason for the transition even though she has never said that.

However, the trauma is now starting to really affect me and I believe it was affecting me all this time. I became sexually active way too young in my opinion. I was OBSESSED with male attention/validation and did not care if they used me for my body. I have never had a boyfriend (even though I always wanted one) and have let people walk all over me while giving away my body. I became sexually involved with older boys at 14 (oral sex) and lost my virginity to someone I thought cared about me at 15. I have always struggled with men, relationships, sexuality, and feeling disgusted with my body because of how I let people use it. I just wanted to feel cared for and wanted.

At this point, I have cut my sibling off. However, this is recent. My sibling is still not a great person imo. When I was 18 they and their wife took me to my first rave (they are HUGE ravers and take tons of drugs) I was excited and wanted to try some too. At the end of the night we had a hotel room for the three of us plus one of their female friends and they allowed their female friend to bring in her boyfriend, who was extremely drugged up, into our hotel room to stay the night (without asking if i was comfortable with it) and kicked me out of my bed so the couple could use it. She also would never reach out to me unless I did first. These are just a couple of examples how she is still not a good sibling. Granted, she has not assaulted someone else, but still.

Even though this trauma is 12 years old, it is just now starting to really affect me. I have been in therapy and taking psych meds since i was 8 years old. I was committed to two mental hospitals in high school and have attempted once. Since February, I have been having a life crisis where I feel like my built up childhood trauma (not just this) has ruined my chance to have a happy life. This caused me to start to dissect and really think about the COCSA I suffered. I’m disgusted. I almost equate it to this example:

When I was 15 I thought being able to pull this 19 year-old guy was a huge flex. I had sex with him and was very proud and bragged about it to some of my friends bc I thought I was hot shit. Now that I am of/around that age I can see that is DISGUSTING. I would never go for someone that much younger than me in high school.

Now that I am older and have gone through this crisis where I am revisiting all my trauma, I cannot forgive my sibling anymore. Because at 16 I (and my friends) all knew better than to commit incest with our 8 year old sibling who knew it was wrong since they waited for mom to leave. There is no way to justify that in my mind and I am guilty of holding grudges. I can no longer look at my sibling without being triggered and sort of resent my mom for allowing her back into the house and around me at all.

My mom understands why I want to cut her off, but says she can’t do it because she spent so many years thinking I was okay with it and had forgiven my sibling. Which is true. It is only recently that the trauma has come to light. My mom barely sees my sibling (my sibling doesn’t talk to her much either) but says she will not mention my sister ever again in front of me and has taken down all photos which I know is heartbreaking for her. She believes my sister has truly changed and is a good person and that she was so sorry. Again, while she hasn’t assaulted anyone else, she has not been a good sister, daughter, or friend. And of fucking course someone’s gonna be sorry when the police are at the door and you’re in court. Part of me knows that wanting my mom to cut my sister off is mean to ask her. The other part of me can’t look at my mom while I know she is still speaking to her. We have fought over this for a couple months now and my mom has apologized hundreds of times, but says she loves her daughter (my sibling), has forgiven her, and cannot cut her out of her life.

I should be discussing this with my therapist, but I am across the country for college right now and this year she has kind of ghosted me. I am in the process of trying to find a new therapist ASAP, but it is hard when your previous one knew your years of background trauma. I think i have tunnel vision right now and just need some outside opinions. Am I unreasonable?

I am so sorry for the length. I tried to trim it down.

My 4.5 year old nephew tried to stick his finger up my 2 year old’s butt over her clothes in a very public place. He repeatedly said “up the butt it goes” gesturing to our daughter with his finger. My husband immediately told him several times to stop and not to say that around our daughter, but he didn’t listen and physically tried to do it to her. Thankfully she is still in diapers, so she didn’t really know anything happened. While my in-laws’ passive parenting style is their choice, it is not acceptable for my daughter to be violated because “no” doesn’t mean “no” in their household. He tried tickling her privates previously (over her diaper), so it is becoming a pattern. It happened so fast both times. I immediately picked her up, but my nephew wouldn’t listen to my husband and didn’t think he did anything wrong. I put her back down and my nephew immediately tried touching her again.

My first feeling was rage. NO ONE lays a hand on our daughter. My second feeling was fear for what may have happened to my nephew for him to act this way. He doesn’t respect any sort of authority, especially women. He acts/speaks as if he is younger than he is, and he casually mentioned that he dreamt about someone touching him which caught all of the adults off guard. Children don’t learn these things by magic.

How can I keep my daughter safe from him when they are staying with us? Currently, our daughter sleeps in our room when they are here and he is not allowed to touch her anymore or be alone with her.

Also, would it be out of line for me to communicate these concerns to my SIL? My husband said he told her what happened with our daughter most recently (she still doesn’t know about the previous touching), but I feel like I need to speak up for my daughter so my SIL knows I am really freaked out about all of this. I’m also really worried about him and I’m worried about what may happened to my daughter if this behavior continues.

Let me know if there’s a better subreddit for this type of discussion.

when I was younger, maybe 7 or 8 (i don't remember clearly because i think i've blocked a lot of this out of my head) my moms friends daughter i think assaulted me. i can only really remember one time it happened. all i can remember is being on the top bunk of a bed, and her asking me if she could kiss me with tongue. i said yes, and i don't really know why. maybe i just thought it was normal. she was two or three years older than me. i looked up to her. i wanted to be like her. i thought maybe that's what older kids did, maybe it was okay. she also asked me if it was okay to touch me, then groped me beneath my shirt. she never did anything more than that, but scenes like this happened repeatedly. it probably was a year until it stopped, but i don't remember any other time but this one. however i know it happened a lot.

i don't remember enjoying it. i remember feeling uncomfortable, like she was intruding, but i didn't say no. i consented to all of it. is it still abuse if i said yes? i don't know why i never said no. i know she would've stopped if i said no, which leads me to think it wasn't bad. like i had control over it. but another part of me knows she was taking advantage of me. because i would have never done anything like that to someone else. and i don't understand what could've been going through her mind when she did these things to me.

i also vaguely remember hanging out with her and another friend of mine, and i think she showed us something inappropriate like porn or a pornographic photo, but i don't remember clearly. i just know it was something bad, because both my friend and i were uncomfortable and had bad reactions.

the memory is hazy, and sometimes it feels like i dreamt it all. but i know it was violation, because i still remember what it felt like and i knew it felt wrong. i knew it was wrong because she told me i couldn't tell anyone.

i think this could have also caused me to be hyper sexual growing up, because i definitely did things i shouldn't have. i did watch porn after that, and i knew it was wrong. but i can't remember what even made me want to. so im thinking maybe it was because she showed it to me?

i told my mom, but i don't think ever told her everything that happened, so i don't think she really understood. i don't see this girl anymore, which is for the better. but i don't really know if im being dramatic, or if it was really something that could be labeled as assault.

I’m struggling to understand whether something was abuse. My step brother is less than 5 months older than me, but he was always much more “sexually mature/aware”. When I was 7 he showed me porn- I did not know what I was watching and felt ashamed and disgusted - then we both got in trouble for it and it was made into a joke. The narrative was that if I tried to say it was him, I was a grass and it wasn’t fair.

He always commented on my body growing up, asking if I had boobs yet, if I masturbated, if I had sex yet- and I was so embarrassed by these questions. When I told his mum, I was told he was just being funny and I didn’t get his sense of humour. They mocked me.

We had to share a room sometimes and he would touch my breasts and I sort of liked the feeling- but never reciprocated and I felt so bad and ashamed but also exhausted by his repeated advances.

When I was 13, him and his friend raped me when I was extremely drunk. It was my first sexual contact and he left me alone ever since. I see this as a sort of admission he felt bad. We never really spoke again.

I have such confusing feelings about it all. It obviously did culminate in abuse/rape. But the age gap is 5 months.

I need help processing a sexual experience from my past that still causes me shame, guilt, confusion, and regret.

When I was younger, I was sexually abused/coerced by a boy who was senior to me. I still know him today. At the time, there was blackmail and pressure involved, and I don’t think I fully understood or processed what was happening. Some sexual acts happened, including being told to perform oral acts, kissing/licking his genitals, being naked, and physical sexual contact.

Part of my confusion is that I don’t know whether I wanted any of it or whether I was just pressured, scared, or trying to comply. I think he may have believed I enjoyed it, and he seems to have moved on from it, but I still carry intense shame, regret, guilt, and intrusive thoughts about it.

I also struggle with thoughts that I am “not a virgin anymore,” and this affects how I see myself emotionally and psychologically.

When I was 8 years old, my neighborhood friend/bully SA’d me. I cannot remember her face, even though I can remember all the other neighborhood kid’s faces in detail. I only remember her first name. I’ve been trying to find her or a picture of her over the years. I feel like I might find closure or maybe some information will come up for me if I do. If you’ve been in the same situation and you had found them in adulthood, what was that like for you. Was it more negative or positive for your life? Thank you

I(20f) dont remember much of my childhood but I was really young, younger than 8 and i just remember one time I walked in on my older sister(4 years older than me) watching adult stuff and instead of stopping or something, she exposed me to it and after that, we’d search up stuff like that. Our mom wasn’t really interested in what we did so we would often bathe together and do weird stuff like role playing, i remember it specifically included me being a damsel in distress most of the time and I think it fucked me up a bit still. We would make out and stuff and it went on for a few years until she went cold turkey and told me to kept my mouth shut and stop doing this stuff. I couldn’t get rid of it. Im hyper sexual and I hate it. It makes me feel like a fake virgin. I feel like Im lying when I say i’ve never kissed anyone and I have no one to share this with.

Hi y'all. I'm not used to reddit, so sorry for any incorrect usages of stuff. But I’m in deeply need of advice.

TW: COCSA

I (25F) have been going out with a guy (26M) for a couple of months, and things have recently started to feel more serious. He has been extremely caring and supportive, especially during a recent hospitalization I went through, where he showed up for me in ways no one else had before. He’s sweet, attentive, smart, and genuinely kind. All of his female friends speak highly of him, my family really loves him, and his family seems to like me as well.

However, recently, in a wholehearted conversation where we were talking about or fears and secrets, he told me one of his deepest secrets, he disclosed some difficult childhood experience (TW) an adult family member (I think one of his uncles) who was supposed to be taking care of him and his cousins, showed and exposed them to very explicit sexual material from an early age (10) and how bc of that he developed an inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his male cousins (11). It started as mutual exploration and it evolved to the whole act. They did that for a couple of months. However after a while the other party stated that he wanted to stop doing those acts bc he felt like they were wrong. My bf agreed, but he wanted to do it one last time, so he did it while his cousin was asleep. His cousin never noticed.

He told me he immediately felt that what he did was terribly wrong and expressed deep guilt and shame about it. He shared that ever since it happened, it has affected his mental health, as well as his relationship with intimacy, contributing to years of hypersexual behavior, he has had around 40-50 sexual partners, all female (which he clarified has all been consensual). However he admit he has a hard time saying no, even when he didn’t want to do it. He also said he has struggled in the past with depression and suicidal thoughts, including an attempt related to feeling unworthy of happiness bc of this situation, and that he has been in therapy for some time working it. He explained that he has already apologized to his cousin, and that they are currently on good terms. He added that I am one of the few people who knows about this, he told his mom, his best friend, his ex, and me. As his biggest fear is being judged or hated for it. He told me all of this while visibly overwhelmed with guilt and shame, he was shaking, his eyes were tearing up and appeared deeply distressed. He also expressed fear that I might not want to continue a relationship with him after hearing it, and shared that for a long time he felt he didn’t deserve happiness or a healthy relationship because he saw himself as a bad person. Despite this, he chose to be honest with me as our relationship is becoming more serious, and he wanted to fully disclose what he considers the worst thing he has done.

We actually haven’t had been intimate like that. He has been consistently respectful since the beginning and has never crossed any physical boundaries. Even when we kiss, he is very gentle and sweet. We’ve been going out for months, and I only found out about this yesterday.

The thing is… hearing all of this changed something in me emotionally. I feel guilty even admitting that because I don’t think he’s an evil person and I can see how much shame and pain he carries. But I also can’t ignore that I had a strong physical and emotional reaction to what I heard, and it changed the way I see him. I feel torn between empathy and compassion for him, appreciation for his honesty and vulnerability, recognition of how caring he has been with me, and at the same time a sense of feeling emotionally overwhelmed and somewhat less romantically safe or connected after learning all of this.

I know he was very young at the time, and that he should never have been exposed to that kind of material by his uncle in the first place. I don’t think he acted out of malice, but it still happened, and I’m aware that his biggest fear is being judged but I can’t stop thinking about it and noticing how it changed the way I see him. I feel conflicted.

Is it unfair that this has changed how I perceive him or that I now feel uncertain about moving forward in the relationship? I just want to understand this whole situation.

This happened when she was 6 and he 12. It happened once.

This was before I regained custody of them. (Long story. Not what this is about)

She confided in me a few days ago and I dont know what to do.

She is 20 and he is 26 now

I should have seen the signs. That age was the last time I had pictures of them together. They never talk. Never at family meals at the same time.

They are both rather introverted and my son moved out immediately at 18.

I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I feel ill

It kills me knowing hiding this has made both of thier lives unbearable.

My son is in nursing school. Daughter has a new baby.

Would he be arrested? What the heck do I do.

I’m dating my current partner for 3 months now, and throughout that they always mention wanting to kiss, tried to make a move but we never kissed and they are overall rather pushy to be intimate, I rejected most of those interactions because I’m simply still not comfortable with intimacy due to cocsa I experienced in my childhood, it’s really hard and I know I’m disappointing them because I asked for some more time and they said that it’s hurtful towards them when I don’t match the energy, what should I do? :(( I’d like to also mention it’s my first ever relationship

We were both 10. They had experienced SA as a young child and didn't know any better. It wasn't hugely invasive, not r4pe, just touching in my private areas, (with pressure). This even happened at school. It was forcefull. Despite being uncomfortable, my speach disorder prevented me from straight up shouting "no" or pushing them off. I couldn't tell anyone. It happened multiple times. Is my experience valid or am I being over dramatic?