r/COCSA

When I was 8(m) my brother, a few years older, taught me to masturbate. After that he made me masturbate in front of him every night. He made me watch him masturbate, and touch his penis. And he gave me a handjob.

This lasted for a few months. I've only just started remembering, and it's really having an impact on me. I had my first orgasm while my brother watched. The first person to touch my dick, or make me cum, was my brother. All these firsts were with him.

I've been thinking about it almost constantly since I started remembering. I've been trying to fill in the gaps in my memory, but in the end I just start getting aroused and that makes me so uncomfortable, so I try to stop thinking about it.

Yesterday I couldn't stop. I remembered when he tried to get me to suck it. I'm 99% sure I refused. But I tried imagining myself going through with it, to test my memory if that really did happen.

And in the end I couldn't help myself. I masturbated while imagining myself being coerced to suck my brother as a child.

I feel gross. I need to be able to stop thinking about this, otherwise I think this will keep happening.

I can't go to therapy right now. Do you have any advice?

NOTE: I’m on a throwaway account right now as I don’t want this linked to my main because I use it often and don’t want triggering content coming onto my timeline. Please forgive my zero posts and new account.

I’m 22, soon to be 23 female and the events I’m going to be talking about lasted for around 3 years of my childhood from roughly 6-9 years old.

When I was roughly 6 years old, my neighbour 6m dared me to undress in front of him. I obliged because at 6 years old I didn’t know this was a bad thing. Immediately I felt disgusted in myself and begged him not to tell anyone.

For the next 3 years he would force me to undress myself and told me if I didn’t do it he would tell my parents that I’d done it the first time. I lived my life in fear wondering when it would next happen and at times I invited him to do it just to get it out of the way because I knew it was inevitable.

This same boy also convinced my brother (1 year younger than me) to try to watch me and my sister urinate and tell him what it looked like.

This undressing happened almost daily for 3 years straight so I’m unsure of the exact number of times it happened.

He would force me to completely undress and usually get onto all fours while he was behind me. Usually he was just looking at me and sometimes he would touch and kiss my bum. Each time was around 10 minutes.

One day my mum walked into my room and caught it happening. She notified the school and completely cut all contact between the two of us. I was so terrified she would be angry at me but once I explained what had been happening I was just so relieved that it was finally all over and I was safe from him.

Recently me and my mum were speaking and this was brought up. I have repressed it for years and this has all just made it so real with her speaking on it. She told me that after it happened she spoke with my vice principal and requested we be kept apart at all times, and they both agreed they will probably see this boy on the news when he’s older for doing something horrific if he was doing this at such a young age.

Part of me feels so sick because I can’t blame him, he was only a child but I was also only a child and I didn’t want any of it, I didn’t deserve any of it.

I don’t know if this can be counted as COCSA because he didn’t technically do much to me but at the same time it has completely ruined the entire trajectory of my life.

Sometimes I think about the person I could have been if my life wasn’t ruined at 6 years old. I remember being a happy child and by the age of 9 I completely hated myself and my body. I’m an anxious mess and tried to kill myself in 2024 because I just can’t face the fact that I’ll never feel like a normal person.

Is this COCSA?

Edit to say sorry if this is difficult to read, my brain was very scattered writing it and it’s still kind of a repressed memory so I can’t recall everything completely, just how I felt. Also I’m on mobile so sorry if formatting is bad.

So I remember back when I used to go to aftercare every day after school, I had no friends my age (F7). That being said I did have an older friend who was in the 6th grade (F12). Having this friend made me even more trusting of older kids so when my other friend who was in 7th grade (M13) started hanging out with me I thought “Cool older kids like me!!” After having been friends with him for about 3 months he started talking to me about his private area and how he masturbates. He’d make jokes about his private part all day long and once he even asked me if i wanted to see it, luckily I had enough sense to know that you’re supposed to say no when someone asks you that. He’d also tell me to sit in the back of the buss with him if my other friend hadn’t gotten on yet and he’d get really touchy with me. He’d touch my thigh, rub my back, pat my head, and he’d even tickle me sometimes, once i remember he even grabbed my butt and i had to move his hand and scoot over for him to let go. He did stuff like this for three years (He got held back in 7th grade) and somehow didn’t get in trouble which is the part that makes me so unsure if this was an issue or not, surely if what he was doing was really inappropriate someone would’ve reported it, right? Even my friend didn’t do much about it. I told one of my current friends about it and she said this counted as grooming and that I should tell my mom, but he was a kid too so that doesn’t sound right?

We had a big family and the adults would just send us off to play. When there was a family reunion, we were staying in a hotel. My older cousins(F) made me(F) go to the pool with them to "play" in the water all afternoon. They took advantage of the fact that we were all in bathing suits :/ They told everyone else I was tired and took me back to the hotel room. I missed dinner and somehow they convinced everyone I wasn't feeling well and that they'd care for me in a room their selves that night. They babysat regularly so the adults were just glad someone was watching me.

I was so scared of them I just froze up. They told me if I snitched on them they would lie and say I approached them and like it. I was young so I was just scared, they put their hands over my mouth. We were apostolic pentacostal and being queer was seen as a huge sin. We only wore skirts, long hair. I played basketball for fun, wanted to be like Goku, wore braids for practical reasons, and had dark skin. My presentation of gender was not their version of femininity. I tried to keep my face blank, but they made fun of every sound or expression I made. Tease me about the faces, with others around, without anyone else realizing. So if I told on them, I thought I'd be made out to seem in the wrong.

It went on for so long, I used to wonder how no one knew. As an adult, I learned money was being exchanged by others for access to me. It makes me feel bitter to realize how I was trafficked by my family.

Hello everyone, im kinda ashamed im posting this on the internet, but i have no one else to ask.

I was 8 (F) years old and had a friend (also F) who went to school with me, we would hang out sometimes and one day we hung out at her Mom's shop(she was a masseuse). Me and this girl were hanging out in the lobby until she tells me to come with her to play a "game", i follow her and we end up in one empty room with only a bed at the center and a tiny shower that was used as a changing room. She tells me to get in the shower and to take all our clothes off EXCEPT our panties, after that she tells me to lay on the bed and i do, and she follows by sitting on me and rubbing our panties together, and as she was doing that she was making noises and pretending to phone someone talking about how "she got a new boyfriend" (keep in mind, we are both girls), and im not sure if anything else happened but what i am sure of is that we both kept our panties on the whole time. and it only happened this once.

During the act i was very confused, but i didnt feel like it was wrong, and i didnt object at all, i should mention that this girl had me quite wrapped around her finger, "manipulating" me over silly stuff (one time she coerced me into gifting her my Ipod until my mom intervened)

I never told this to anyone, but i think at one point my mom figured out something was wrong and by the end of 3rd grade i switched schools

According to my mom, she told me this later in time, this girl's parents were very open about their sexual experiences and according to her even left the door open when they had sex, + they apparently cheated on eachother, and this lead me to believe that she was replicating those acts she saw in them with me (which would also explain why she was pretending to talk to someone on the phone)

After i switched schools, some things changed. I started to watch porn (around when i was 9, i had unlimited internet access)) and im still struggling to let it go, as it has become something similar to an addiction, and i remember that in 5th grade we had sex ED class and it was one of the worst experiences of my life, i kept shaking in my chair and asking to go to the bathroom until my teacher noticed i was uncomfortable and made me leave the classroom to calm down for a bit. But later, when i did sex ED in 7th grade i was pretty damn chill.

When i hit puberty in middle school, i struggled with gender dysphoria and self harm, my porn addiction got worse and i started feeling both ashamed and proud of it, since in classi could understand all the boys' dirty jokes unlike other girls (im not like other girls moment)

Lets flashforward to now, i have a loving boyfriend and since i was a virgin and he wasnt, he told me that he wouldnt pressure me to have sex, and that he would wait for me until i felt like i was ready, the first two times (a few months ago) everything went well, then i got physically sick(and my mental health worsened) and we couldnt for a while, recently (a month ago) we started again but ive been giving really dubious consent despite enjoying the act, constantly scared of something bad that could happen, until one day he sat me down to talk about this since he was very worried about the fact i didnt give very clear verbal consent. i struggled to, but i told him my experience.

Ever since then, ive been wondering if all of these problems i mentioned were because of this unresolved trauma i have, and if it even counts as COCSA, i would appreciate some help. bless you all.

Hey, I’m still unsure if my story counts as abuse or not, because I only ever told one person that didn’t even care enough to listen (thanks mom lol)

Okay to start this off it is important to note, that the other kid was also 8 years old and we were friends.
Basically my friend would come over to my house after school every day and it started like a normal friendship, but after some time she started becoming more and more interested in my ipad and I remember that one day she started showing me pornography and I didn’t know what that was, but felt like it was really wrong. At first it was “notmal” pornography, but over some time it became more and more violent stuff and eventually also involved children. She started touching me and I was frozen, I didn’t move, but really really wanted to. She said we “had to recreate” those videos and I don’t really remember what happened, but know that there was blood and that I had bladder problems afterwards. She also showed me insanely gory videos, but I feel like that’s not really relevant rn. I don’t know how long all this happened exactly, but I think it must have been at least a couple months, till my mom checked my ipad and found the videos. But she never did anything about it, or even ask. I tried telling her about it multiple times, but she doesn’t seem to care too much.

Anyways I’m not to sure if it actually was sa, because I only really remember small bits and pieces and not the actual thing that led to the blood or my bladder problems from back then. Idk if this makes sense rn, but I don’t really remember the action, just “the outcome” ig.

please i really need an answer

is it normal for young children to show each other their private parts? i just unlocked this memory of me, my twin sister, and our friends who were brother and sister, getting naked for a minute to show each other our private parts. i know it wasn’t COCSA cause there was no manipulation or anything. but it was a long time ago so i barely remember exactly how it happened. we were laughing but it did feel weird. at least for me. so was that normal? am i just being dramatic?

i was 8 yo when i have the first memory of this happening to me, (i think it started when i was 7) my brother who is 2 years older, he tried explicitly touching me when i was asleep, i used to wake up but i was so afraid of confronting him, that i never did. i used to pretend to slowly wake up so that he goes away. we used to share bedrooms, tho different beds. this happened from when i was 8 to 12 in my memory. in my later years he played 'games' with me playing house where he's the husband and i'm the wife, or that he is the father and i'm the baby that needs her diapers to be changed. i once saw him jerking when i was 13 and he thought i was sleeping but i woke up early that day, i looked away but i was so scared that he'd do something to me. i told my older brother who saw me self harm scars and i told him this as part of the reason, he ended up telling my mom, they thought it was old news and we both were kids and its nothing major, all he got was an understanding scolding, and my mother asked me if i 'enjoyed' it and thats why i hid it from her. he also showed me porn site when i was 11 and he was 13 hoping that we'd do something similar, and when i refused he begged me to not tell mom. i stopped talking to him for 5 years, from 12 to 17. i feel like he is a changed man, i forgave him, and diffrentiated between the trauma and the person who did it. i asked him why he did it and he said curiousity got the better of him and he is sorry and he knows he shouldn't have done it. i'm trying to get back to normal with him but idk if i ll ever forget what he did, or will this always affect our dynamic. i just wanted my brother back.

I'm not sure if this is abuse or something that was harmful? When we were 7 or 8 me and my same age friend played some games where we took off our clothes and humped each other, some touching and licking of each other's privates, I'm not exactly sure why. I think it was because he said he saw a couple doing such things in an apartment window, or something about seeing gorillas or dogs mating through a zoo window, something about a window 😅. This was a long time ago. But either way. Technically there was some coercion/ pressure, not necessarily threats, but something like "come on, don't be a baby, it'll be fun," and I think I was a bit uncomfortable, but just went along with it. It wasn't physically forceful, it stopped when I wanted it to stop, we did it a few times, found it weird, and knocked it off after a while and just continued to be friends as normal until high school when we switched schools.

It didn't't really affect me at all, I haven't even thought about it since then and had a very happy and normal childhood / teenage years. But after I learned about COCSA since I'm becoming a parent soon suddenly I remembered? I'm not really sure how to feel about it?

So my ex bf who sa’d me (we were both underage when it happened but now he’s over the age) and now he’s posting blurred photos of me and explaining in the caption like why it wasn’t valid and stuff and I called rainn they sent me somewhere else and the place I was sent to said to send in tips to multiple different sites including the fbi site and honestly I’m terrified has anyone ever reported there before because I’m really scared

I don't know what to do anymore, it happened 6 years ago, the memories won't stop coming back and I don't know how to cope with it. I just need someone to talk to please

Looking for some discussion / advice, if you guys have any...

I'm currently realizing that I may be hypersexual to some extent, but I've also heard that it's a disorder of some kind, so I know that I don't have extensive knowledge on it and would like to learn more, as it really interferes with my focus and day to day life.

On another note, is it common after abuse? I've seen a lot of people described going from being totally hypersexual to totally repulsed, and that kinda fits how I feel a lot... I could have intrusive, unfocused sexual thoughts one day, and then feel totally pushed away from anything sexual the next.

Thank you 🫶

No sé cómo empezar esto, pero estar algo de contexto cuando llueve en la primaria más o menos en tercero o cuarto conocía a un chico que era del mismo grado. El mío íbamos en el mismo salón y nos llevábamos muy bien. Un día me pidió ser su pareja, yo acepté porque ese chico también me gustó. Al principio fue todo muy inocente nos tomamos la manita y y así pero con el pasar los días todo eso fue cambiado. Él me decía que fuéramos a veces al baño o a lugares medio ocultos en la escuela para hacer cosas que hacían las parejas. Yo en ese momento no sabía bien y acepte porque quería que fuera feliz en algún momento yo le empecé a a decir que no, ya me estaba incomodando un poco a él no le importa mucho y me dijo que si quería ser su pareja tenía que hacerlo yo le dije que no quería, pero así siguió tres años más más o menos a inicio de la cuarentena. El se fue de la escuela y todo paro hasta el día de hoy no sé si se podría considerar o no un COCSA o si no se puede considerar ya que yo en un inicio acepte, entonces no lo tengo muy claro o si es que acaso me aterra pensar en la idea que quizás yo fui al culpable y todo fue provocado por mi culpa, yo decir que sí, no lo sé

As far as I know, I was never physically assaulted by my brother, but I was very hypervigilant as a child, at least since 9, because I was convinced that one day he would, and I feel like I have some kind of survivor's guilt because it never happened. I often doubt whether that danger was ever real, or if I just made it up in my overactive kid imagination. But when I go through my memories, I can't help but wonder how many close calls there were where I was only saved by that hypervigilance. There are two memories in particular that I wonder about...

One night, he made me come outside on the lawn with him, he confessed to having watched CP and was panicking about authorities finding out. I was 13, maybe 14, he would have been almost 15 or 16. I felt compelled to comfort him and told him it wasn't even that big of a deal, because he had already normalized things like that for me so much at that point. After a while he calmed down and suddenly got a lot more playful. He started trying to wrestle me, but I was on high alert and fought him off with a branch before running inside and locking myself in my room, to his dismay.

Another instance was around the same time, so same ages. I would bathe naked in our pool alone some nights, and he would jump in uninvited, also naked. When I tried to leave because I was uncomfortable, he would restrain me or block the exit or guilt trip me, it was like a game to him. He always did this when I tried to get away from him, like when I tried to leave his room or the trampoline where he would also barge in.

Part of me wants to think these really were innocent and I was just misinterpretting it. But when I think about it from his perspective, especially now that I'm older, it just makes no sense. In the first memory, he had just confessed to pedophilia, pressumably right after jacking off to it, his little sister* had just comforted him that it's okay and not even wrong, we were alone in the middle of the night, no one could see or hear us... What other reason could he possibly have had to giddily try to pin me to the ground in such a situation? If it was innocent, why wouldn't he realize it was inappropriate when I fought back so viciously? In the second case, he had complained about me being casually topless before, so why was he suddenly okay with me being butt naked with him when we were alone at night in the pool? Why would he insist on being naked too? Why wouldn't he realize it was inappropriate when I fought back so viciously? He is autistic like me, all his wrong doings were always blamed on his autism, but I don't know if that's really enough to explain it considering the context.

If he really did intent to assault me, I feel like I wasn't supposed to get away, like I went "off-script" or something. I feel guilty like I owed it to him, or even owed it to other survivors who weren't as lucky, which is obviously nonsense. If he didn't intend to, I feel guilty for even imagining it, even though I was just a kid who I think had good reason to interpret it like this...

I can't find any resources talking about this kind of survivor's guilt towards "almost" getting assaulted, I keep feeling like it wasn't valid or even that bad as a result. I'm very thankful I got away each time, I just can't help but feel like I wasn't meant to or even didn't deserve to.

(* Note: I am nonbinary, but would have been his sister at the time)

All these years later I just feel... Apathetic? Towards her, towards what happened. I feel so bad about it, but I just don't know what to do.

For a little rundown, my "aunt" had, repeatedly over years, played inappropriate games with me while I was in elementary school and she was in middle school. She would act out the toys being chased and later r*ped and having babies. Whenever an adult would come into the room, she would stop, and when they left, she would start again. I don't believe I was touched inappropriately or anything, just exposed to things I shouldn't have been by an older child who should have, and did, know better. I mimicked these behaviors in my own play later and became hypersexual as a result.

But I just can't help but think... What would be the point in telling anyone? And why don't I feel uncomfortable whenever she's mentioned? Like, yes, a flicker of discomfort always comes up, but she's also family and I used to see her so often that it just feels normal to hear about her.

And I feel so gross and like an awful person, but something happened to her recently, and I just... Didn't care. I couldn't bring myself to care. I feel awful, I know what happened to her is awful, but I just... I feel so apathetic towards her and what she exposed me to.

Why do I feel this way? Is this common?

I'm planning on sending my brother who sexually abused me when we were 8 and 12 an email. I'm going to create a new email account to send it, and I won't directly tell him my name because I have so much anxiety about that making ot "real". But he'll know it's me.

We have a good relationship and we've never spoken about what happened. We don't speak via email, so I want to send it there to isolate it from the rest of our relationship/conversations.

In the email I explain that childhood memories have resurfaced involving sexual contact between us, with gaps I can't fully piece together.

I don't say he abused me, I saw we did sexual things together.

I tell him I don't blame him, which is true, and that I'm not planning to involve anyone else, which is also true.

I don't want our relationship to change, I just want to get this one conversation that I think we need to have done so I can have clarity.

I ask him to share as much detail as he remembers about how it started, escalated, how often it happened, and how it ended.

First I have a couple of questions:

- Are there any big risks here that I'm missing?

- Is there anything I can include in the email to increase the chance of him replying/providing me the details I need?

- Should I tell him some of what I remember "I remember masturbating in front of each other, for example" - will this make it more comfortable to respond? I'm worried it gives him an opening to say "yeah that's all we did"

Any other advice you guys can offer?

Has anyone had a similar experience of asking someone who you have a good relationship with?

My "aunt" (by marriage), a girl just 4 - 6 years older than me, had repeatedly over the course of years played sexual games with me.

She was a teenager while I was in elementary school. To preface. I would visit my grandpa's house for holidays, so around 2 - 5 times a year, and every time I was sent to play with her in her room and we would play the same sexual games, which often involved stuffed animals, boys vs. girls type stuff, which would turn into the girls running from the boys and eventually being r*ped and having babies.

She knew it was wrong, I think, or at least something about it was off, because every time an adult would check up on us, she would just bounce the toys around and take them out of position as to not look suspicious. And once an adult left, she would arrange everything again and we would resume.

It stopped around the time she was in her last two years of highschool and I was in middle school. We hadn't seen each other during the pandemic, and it seemed she grew up enough to not play with me anymore.

But it didn't really stop for me. I had become hypersexual, not around my body In particular, as I am asexual, but around the idea of sex and r*pe. I knew not to show it in front of my parents, likely due to her behavior, but I would attempt to self pleasure with the assistance of stuffed animals and later videos I would rather not describe. I feel sick just thinking about it. And the worst part is that I still struggle with this. The videos aren't as bad now, but I consume so much sexual media and I feel gross every time I feel the urge.

But the absolute worst part? I didn't fight it. I just followed her lead, like it was normal. I wasn't forced, or threatened. I don't even know when it started or if I was ever touched. I just... Did it. And I copied it.

Was I really abused if I didn't fight it? Was I abused if I wasn't distressed in the moment?

i (19f) was sexually abused by my older brother (25m) when i was little. i do not remember the exact age but i believe i was around 6-7 so my brother would’ve been 12-13.

about 3 years ago my parents found out about the abuse. since then i have avoided talking to or about my brother and have been no contact with him for almost a year. (my brother also lives across the country)

my parents have been so supportive and loving towards me and always asking me about what i’m comfortable with, if they’re okay with me talking about him or mentioning him or if they rather i didn’t. for the sake of my mental health i said i didn’t really care if they still talked to him as long as they didn’t make it obvious to me or mention to me that they were talking to him.

i think it’s different when it’s your sibling because to my parents, that’s still their son and only recently did they find out the horrible things that he did to me.

now i can mention his name sometimes in conversation if i feel like i need to, to provide context. i don’t feel right calling him “my brother” but unfortunately biologically he is.

i’m curious to know what others peoples experiences are with their parents having a relationship with their sibling who abused them.

Everyone agrees that rape jokes are insensitive. Most people also agree domestic abuse jokes are insensitive. Yet people will joke about incest like it isn't domestic sexual abuse. Like it's just some quirky kink, they genuinely treat it with the same level of disgust as a foot fetish, "ew gross lol". They'll even get mad at you, call you oversensitive or obnoxious or participating in "discourse", if you object to it. People will place emphasis on a sexual abuser's age as if it would have been okay if they were a child, or disregard the case entirely if they were a minor. People don't even know cocsa exists, they don't care. They certainly don't care that the overlap between incest and cocsa is huge, because they don't consider incest to be a big deal, and they don't consider cocsa real abuse either. You were abused by your sibling? They're probably a victim too you know. You should feel sorry for them. Anyway ha ha funny Alabama inbred sister cousin kissers.

That's honestly what hurts the most. Knowing that people I otherwise love and respect could at any moment laugh in my face, that my hurt is just a joke to them, even when they aren't saying it. I often feel unsafe not because I think I'm still in danger, but because I'm bleeding out and no one will patch my wounds. I still struggle to consider what I went through as "that bad", telling myself I probably just made it all up in my head anyway, so to see other people not take cases like mine and worse seriously just affirms that belief.

I only really post here when I get real down in the dumps, so I hope everyone's doing alright. I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if people can relate. Seeing people, especially non-survivors, stand up for us and advocate for how terrible cocsa and incest really are warms my heart, it makes me feel less alone and less stupid.

When I was around 8-10 I experienced what I count as cocsa. My brother, who was 13-15 (I think? We could've both been younger I'm not sure. I do remember he was old enough to have pubes), told me about porn, and masturbation. He would have me suck him off and he'd eat me out and stick his fingers up my butt. But the thing is that I honestly sought it out. Thats why I dont know if my story counts because being so honest, I would come to his room every night at the same time seeking it out. I figured it was just something we did, and I feel like Im not allowed to play the victim card when I kind of caused it. I still remember the night everything stopped when I went to his room to do our nightly routine (watch porn on his tv and masturbate together) and he told me that we had to stop because it was incest. I ​​​​was so young I remember not knowing what incest meant. I asked and he said we shouldn't be doing what we were doing. I know my descriptions of the events were like... Juvenile ig? But idk how else to oput everything. I feel so disgusting every time I see him (I stay over at his house quite frequently because my home situation is not good). And sometimes he makes freaky jokes with me and holds rye contact a little too long. I'm not sure if he remembers any of it or not because he repressed a lot from that age I know. So...like... Is my story valid? Am I still considered a victim if I complied and sought it out? I ddon't know what to do. I can't get therapy for it because i have no money but I really don't know what else to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because my boyfriend would freak out. And I couldn't tell anyone else, yk? ​so am I valid yes or no guys.​