Am I a lesbian because I was assaulted as a child?
From god knows what age up until i was about 9 or 10, I was assaulted by my cousin brother (3 years older, my younger cousin (3 years younger than me) was also complicit sometimes but I think he too was far too young to understand what was happening. The only reason I know its real is because even back then, I had the language for assault (not COCSA per say, but general SA) and spent years thinking about it, even if it now, years later, it feels like just a bad dream.
A very important memory for me is when we were playing in our 'sewing room' (basically where she operated her tailor shop from at the time). I do not remember what we were 'playing' but I know it devolved into me being forced to strip, and them examining the red marks on my body (newly forming stretch marks due to puberty' and touching them. I explicitly did not want to be touched, nor did I find it fun. I remember trying to run away from the tailor shop but them holding the door to it shut. I don't remember how I got out, or if I had to endure it.
Another time, I was forced to touch his private parts my putting my hands in his pants. Whether it was an apology for him touching mine, or him wanting to touch mine but me not letting him (so me being forced to play with his penis was some sort of 'compromise'), I don't remember, but I remember managing to run out of his room and then upstairs. Then once, he had fingered me through my clothes so many times it caused a hole in the crotch of my favourite jumpsuit. I never wore it again.
I really despised having to visit my grandmother's house. I knew this was assault, I knew I should've told someone, but I didn't. I didn't want to impact my mother's relationship with her family for my sake because courtesy of arranged marriages, I was aware they were the only emotional support my mother had, even at my young age. So I kept my mouth shut. Pretend it never happened, pretend it didn't affect me at all. I would have unwanted flashbacks sometimes that would cause me immense distress. I even stopped trusting other male family members including my own father and grandfather. (who are not abusers. It actually caused a huge rift in my relationship with my father because I could not trust him, but slowly we are growing closer again.). Then I stopped thinking about it.
Fast forward to the present, I think enough time has passed for me to contemplate everything that's happened and process it. Thinking about that time still brings me distress, but not as much as it used to, and I can control when and what I think about it. Right now, what I'm thinking about is sexuality. Due to my experiences as a child I've been very hypersexual. A lot of the material I would consume, from the age of 11, would be CNC or incest (mostly Male-Female, written, not visual. Though when watching porn I was still okay with incest.) Almost everything I consumed (and to an extent consume), is straight, even if I'm not particularly turned on by straight sex and CNC and incest has started feeling incredibly disgusting.
In real life, I do not find myself wanting to be with men, at all. I'm repulsed by them. But I also want male attention (even if bad. One time, I had a teacher I suspect of being a pedophile, and I was absolutely disgusted by that thought, but would constantly check if he was looking at me or not. If he wasn't, I would try to look sexier for him, despite very clearly finding him perverted, terrible and filthy.) I also don't enjoy watching lesbian porn. (or maybe I do, I just don't enjoy the perverted versions of it, and straight CNC and incest are all i consume currently .)
I wonder, am I attracted to women because I feel unsafe around men, or is my weird attraction to men because of my childhood trauma and I'm simply attracted to women?