Deleting all of the memories in my Snapchat where I was a “women”
Today I decided to go and delete all the Snapchat memories before I started my transition.There’s a lot of them.I decided to do this because that “ girl” never existed in the first place. He was forced into a hyper feminine role. No matter how uncomfortable he felt. And he spoke up and got abused by family members for it. When he wanted to present masculine he wasn’t allowed to wear what made him comfortable .He was also mocked and abused for not liking his deadname. He was bullied in school for being different than the other girls. It started in 5th grade I was picked on for not having any chest when I was completely ok with that. I was bullied by family members for not having any chest as well and not wanting to wear a bra. Once I got to middle school the bullying got worst I was bullied by this group of guys that would call me the T slur and say things like I was born differently they would call me othe slurs like “dyke” “ bulldagger” other boys would throw things at me and assault me And would make fun of my genitalia saying I was born with a penis I wish I was I could say that part was a bit affirming but everything else was just crazy. It ruined my mental health because I felt like a fucking alien. The bullying continued even in high school I was bullied at every school I went too.I never understood why when I got a bit older why didn’t my family allow me to dress masculine if they allowed it when I was a baby there’s a few pictures of me dressed in boy clothes. I also was bullied by family members for not hitting afab puberty until I was 14. Because of all of this i am in the process of deleting those memories. I became homeless at the age of 18 because my mother got mad she lost control over me and that I wasn’t preforming the women role most of my family forced me into. I just couldn’t stay there anymore I felt so uncomfortable,scared,disgusted,shameful and depressed in that house. My family members also sexualized me a lot for being trans as well. My mom has wished sa on me and what went through my head was “ wtf” . Because who wishes that on their own son knowing there son has suffered through that a lot throughout his whole life.I have blocked all of their numbers and made new Facebook account and deleted my old one . Nowadays the only family members I talk to is my siblings and my dad. My mom and grandma and aunt and plenty of other family members abused me for being autistic as well. I was beat for my meltdowns and stims. I also have religious trauma as well I was forced into Pentecost at 8 .I was forced to pray and read the Bible and i didn’t even believe in any of that stuff that time and now I still don’t. I was also forced to wear skirts and dresses. I had the gay and trans prayed out of me and being autistic prayed out of me but they wasted there time cause none of it worked.The only people in my family I’m really cool with is my father and my siblings on both sides of the family. It hurts hearing my baby cousin tell me he misses me but I have to avoid seeing him just to not be around them. Because when I was going to go see them it was always “ you don’t even come and see us anymore *deadname* I’ve been here for a while” and that right there is part of the reason because why the fuck do I have to do everything and they know why I don’t come and see them they still use my deadname and she/her pronouns for me when I look nothing like a girl and I’m 9 months on T . And also my aunt took my deadname middle name and repronounced it to a name that doesn’t even exist and that sounded ugly and had everyone calling me it and it’s always “ this is my daughter deadname” when introduced to other people they never let me talk and they do that on purpose cause they want everyone else to call me by what they want like I can talk for myself I just wish they would forget about me honestly cause they don’t even love me I wasn’t even made out of love I was not named until after I was born my deadname was named by the next door neighbor and I was told “ we asked the neighbor to name you after you were born because we could not think of a name for you” I found that strange because why did everyone else get named while they were in the belly. They also kept me away from my father a lot because he kept me safe and they didn’t want me to be safe they only wanted to hurt me he doesn’t care about me being trans and rlly accepts me for who I am I can’t really see him rn because I live in a different state but all that matters is that I’m safe now and away from them I’m 19 now and I am never going back to them ever again cause I could still remember everything they did and said to me. When I became homeless at 18 I stayed with a neighbor for a week and her boyfriend was abusive and fetishized over my trans identity knowing I had just came out he would do this behind her back I became on the streets homeless for a whole entire month and suffered from sexual harassment and domestic violence by someone who had promised me a place to stay was also forced to be on a hard core drug called m*** it had rlly fucked up my mental health more the withdrawals made me schizo and it caused me to skip school and end up in non consensual sexual situations I was highly tooken advantage of rather then kept safe after that I was at a mental hospital for a week because of it then when I got out my mom abused me and locked me into a restroom and yelled horrific things in my face and forced me to hear everything I was crying and screaming and asking her to leave but she wouldn’t she threatened to drag me across my aunts apartment I had stayed with a friend for a week then ended up back with my family for a week after this I ended up at a shelter for a year where some clients would sa and harass and be transphobic and also was in a dv relationship for 2 months there too I reported this plenty of times to and nothing was done by staff or case managers cause clearly they didn’t care about trans people which is fucked up im glad im away from all of these people now i just had to get all of this out because i was holding a lot in i no longer live at the shelter anymore and im now staying with a friend who helped me through all of this and got me out of there ive been going to counseling for 2 months and one day i will heal and fully recover from all of this ive also been using tarot cards and journaling to help guide me through my healing through all of this