r/AutismTraumaSurvivors

Trigger warning: Child abuse

Hi everyone. I am 28F and feel like my life is falling apart. I was diagnosed in December and have been working with a neuropsychologist and an OT.

Until July I was in the best relationship. To the point that some of my childhood was being unlocked. The unfortunate truth is that the trauma was being unlocked too. I was abused as a child by my mother. She was horrible. I remember being locked in the bathroom for hours and coped by hitting my head. I was in survival mode this year because of unemployment and triggering memories. Because of this, I started coping in the ways I used to as a child. My relationship crumbled and I have been losing it. He was my safe person.

Recently I started having more memories. I blocked out memories from before I was 11. The person that made me feel safest was my dad's sister, I considered her to be my real mother. She died when I was 11. I then blocked out memories of her and the trauma to protect ne from the loss. All the memories are flooding back and my safe person is avoiding me. He is the only person that made me feel as safe as my aunt.

I am feeling so alone. I thought healing would be liberating but it is so painful and lonely.

I’ve gone back and forth about posting this because I have spent more than 20 years trying to convince myself that what happened to me wasn’t really that bad. I’m in my 30s now. I was 13 when this started. I was autistic, had ADHD, and was in special education.
By seventh and eighth grade, my world at school had become incredibly small. I had only a couple of teachers and spent most of my time with the same tiny group of students. That meant the adults in that classroom had an enormous amount of control over my life. Inside our classroom was a seclusion room. We called it “the box.”
I wish I were exaggerating when I say that sometimes I spent days in there. Sometimes I remember it lasting weeks. I could be put in the box for getting something wrong, saying something that was interpreted the wrong way, or doing something I genuinely didn’t understand was wrong. School continued outside that door while I sat in there. Other kids learned, participated and belonged. I was in the box.
While I was isolated, I was made to write book reports, essays and pages and pages of work. Over time, it felt like hundreds of pages. The saddest part to me now is how hard I tried. I wasn’t sitting there thinking, “What these adults are doing to me is wrong.” I was thinking, “How do I make her happy with me again?” I genuinely believed that if I wrote enough, behaved well enough, apologized enough and proved that I was “good,” eventually I could earn my way back into the classroom.
Then my teacher would sometimes rip up what I had written and throw it away. Hours of work, gone. Imagine what that teaches a child. Eventually, I stopped trying to figure out the correct answer and started trying to figure out the safe answer. I monitored my voice, my facial expressions, my words, my reactions, her mood and her tone. I learned how to study adults instead of studying schoolwork.
There was another part of coming out of the box that is difficult for me to talk about. Whenever I was finally allowed out, my teacher would make me kiss her on the lips. I was 13. She was the adult who controlled whether I spent my school day with everybody else or isolated in that room. I didn’t understand boundaries the way I understand them now. I understood that she was my teacher, she had authority over me, and when she expected something from me, I was supposed to do it.
She also frequently sent me home with gifts. That confused me enormously as a child. The same adult I was terrified of could give me presents and show me affection. The same person who could isolate me could be nice to me. The same person whose approval I desperately wanted could punish me, frighten me, reward me and show me affection. I didn’t have adult language for any of that. I just constantly wondered which version of her I was going to get. Was she happy with me? Was I good today? Was I in trouble? Did she care about me? Was I safe? What did I need to do to keep her happy? Looking back, I can see how thoroughly fear, affection, punishment and approval became tangled together in my head.
The box wasn’t the only punishment. We were also paddled hard with a wooden paddle. I remember what it felt like knowing that an adult at school could physically hurt me as punishment. Even going outside didn’t necessarily mean I could relax. Sometimes we would be playing on the football field when my teacher returned from lunch. She would drive her car toward us like she was going to run us over, and then stop or turn away. Maybe she considered it funny. I didn’t.
Eventually, I remember one of my classmates actually being hit by her vehicle. My understanding at the time was that there were serious employment consequences and that the possibility of an injury-to-a-child charge was considered by the district attorney’s office, although I was a child and obviously wasn’t involved in those proceedings, so I don’t want to state legal details I can’t personally verify. What I do remember is my classmate being hit, and I remember what that meant to me. Something we had been frightened with was no longer hypothetical.
There was also another student in our classroom who repeatedly touched me sexually without my consent. He would grope my chest and pinch my butt. It happened over and over again, and I complained to my teacher constantly. I told her I didn’t want him touching me. I wanted it to stop. I remember nothing being done that actually made me feel protected or stopped it.
That part matters to me now because people sometimes ask why children don’t tell somebody when something inappropriate is happening to them.
I did tell.
Again and again. I was a 13-year-old girl telling an adult that another student was touching my breasts and butt and I wanted him to stop. I wasn’t silent. I was asking an adult for help. The problem wasn’t that I failed to tell someone. The problem was that telling did not make me feel protected. Think about what that teaches a child about her body. I was learning that I could say, “I don’t like this. I don’t want him touching me. Please make him stop,” and it could keep happening anyway.
And then there was something my teacher called “Trickster.” It was supposedly a Halloween game. This is the hardest part for me to write about.
I was blindfolded and made to lie on the classroom floor. The boys in my class were instructed to hold my arms and legs down. I couldn’t see what was happening around me, and I couldn’t get up. Then my teacher lifted my shirt and exposed my chest in front of my classmates. She poured hot candle wax onto my stomach and put salt and pepper in my hair.
I froze.
I was 13 years old. I was blindfolded. Other children were restraining me. Everyone else could see me, but I couldn’t see them. My body was exposed, and I couldn’t get away. There was no “game” for me. There was a frightened child lying on a classroom floor while other children held her down and an adult exposed her body.
I didn’t have the language at 13 to understand what had happened. I do now. What happened crossed sexual boundaries, and I consider what was done to me sexual assault. I didn’t understand consent or power dynamics then. I understood much simpler things: I was scared. I didn’t want it. I couldn’t get away. I wanted it to stop.
When I look back now, I can’t separate that incident from everything else happening around it. Another student was repeatedly touching my breasts and butt while I repeatedly asked an adult for help. I was expected to kiss my teacher on the lips after coming out of isolation. I was paddled. I was restrained. I was exposed. Again and again, I was learning that people with more power than me could decide what happened to my body.
My fears could be used against me, too. I was terrified of fire, and my teacher knew that. She could have helped me work through that fear safely. Instead, I remember being forced to light incense in front of the class while my hands shook and my body panicked. I understood that saying no wasn’t really an option. The message I absorbed over and over was that my fear didn’t matter, my discomfort didn’t matter and my “no” didn’t matter.
Eventually, this teacher pushed for my mom to have me repeat eighth grade. I watched the other kids move forward while I stayed behind. Because I was a child, I didn’t think, “Maybe the adults responsible for educating me failed me.” I thought I had failed. I thought being held back was evidence that maybe I really was stupid, incapable or fundamentally different in some terrible way.
My teacher and other teachers reinforced that belief. They told me that I would never be successful. They told me I wouldn’t make it in life as an adult. Imagine hearing that as a child from the people responsible for educating you. They weren’t telling me, “You’re struggling, but we’re going to help you.” They weren’t telling me, “You learn differently.” They were telling me what my life would amount to before I was even old enough to discover it for myself.
And I believed them. Of course I did. They were my teachers. I was autistic. I had ADHD. I was in special education. I struggled academically. I had been held back. I was being isolated and physically punished. If the adults who supposedly understood education believed I wasn’t going to make it, why wouldn’t thirteen-year-old me believe them?
This was also around the time my anxiety and depression began. My anxiety didn’t appear out of nowhere. For me, it began in an environment where I was constantly waiting to be punished, isolated, humiliated, physically hurt, frightened or misunderstood. My depression began in an environment where I was made to feel difficult, incapable and unwanted. I learned to associate mistakes with danger, authority with fear and school with shame.
She traumatized me.
I don’t use that word lightly.
I was 13 years old. I should have been worrying about homework, friends, crushes and what I wanted to be when I grew up. Instead, I was learning how to survive an adult who had enormous power over me. School stopped being about education and became about survival. I learned to watch faces, listen to tones, anticipate moods and figure out whether I was safe.
And those lessons didn’t disappear when I left middle school.
I left that classroom. That classroom did not leave me.
I carried it into high school, college, relationships, jobs and adulthood. Even now, if somebody’s tone changes, my body can notice before my brain does. If someone in authority seems distant, my brain immediately starts searching for what I did wrong. If somebody is unhappy with me, I want to fix it. I over-explain. I apologize. I read people’s moods.
Somewhere inside me is still that thirteen-year-old girl asking: What did I do? What do I need to say? How do I make them happy again? How do I prove that I’m good?
And for years there was another voice: You’re never going to be successful. You’re never going to make it.
They were wrong.
I have two college degrees now. I became a mother. I built a career I’m proud of. I went back to school again. And now I want to earn my master’s degree.
Sometimes I wish I could sit beside that little girl in the box and tell her that repeating eighth grade isn’t the end of her education. I want to tell her that these adults don’t get to decide how far she goes. She is going to graduate. She is going to earn one degree and then another. She is going to become a mother. She is going to build a career. She is going to keep learning. And one day, she is going to be thinking seriously about earning her master’s degree.
Not because she finally became intelligent enough. Not because she finally became worthy enough.
She already was.
But I’ve realized something even more important than proving those adults wrong: I never should have had to prove them wrong.
A disabled child shouldn’t have to grow up and become successful before people acknowledge that she deserved dignity as a child. Even if I had never earned a single degree, what happened to me still would have been wrong. Even if I had struggled academically for the rest of my life, it still would have been wrong. Even if every terrible prediction they made about my future had come true, I still would have deserved protection.
My accomplishments aren’t what make thirteen-year-old me worthy of protection.
She was worthy because she was a child.
I deserved an education. I deserved accommodations that actually helped me learn. I deserved teachers who understood autism and ADHD. I deserved adults who saw vulnerability and responded with compassion. I deserved discipline that was appropriate, humane and safe. I deserved bodily autonomy, privacy and dignity. I deserved adults who protected me when another student put his hands on my body. I deserved to be taken seriously when I asked for help. I deserved to make mistakes without being terrified of what would happen to me. I deserved adults who built up my future instead of telling me I didn’t have one.
For years, I wondered whether I had somehow caused some of this. Maybe I was too difficult. Too emotional. Too weird. Too much. Maybe if I had behaved differently, understood social cues better, been easier to teach or gotten more answers right, things would have been different.
I don’t believe that anymore.
There was nothing a thirteen-year-old autistic girl could have done that would have made weeks of isolation, physical punishment, forced physical affection, repeated unwanted touching, restraint or having her body exposed acceptable.
I was the child.
They were the adults.
That distinction matters.
I’m posting this anonymously because I’m not ready to attach my identity to it yet. But I think I’m finally ready to stop pretending it didn’t happen.
If another former special education student happens to read this, I want you to know what I desperately needed someone to tell me: Being disabled does not make your body belong to somebody else. Getting an answer wrong does not make you deserving of isolation. Being afraid does not give an adult permission to use that fear against you. You don’t owe an adult physical affection because they have authority over you. If somebody touches your body and you don’t want them to, your discomfort matters. If you ask an adult for help, you deserve to be taken seriously. Being held back does not mean you’re stupid. Needing accommodations does not make you less intelligent. An adult telling you that you don’t have a future does not make it true.
You do not have to accomplish extraordinary things before you deserve to be protected.
Being a child was enough.
I can’t go back and open the door to the box. I can’t pick those torn pages off the floor. I can’t stop the other student from touching me. I can’t take away the wooden paddle. I can’t remove the blindfold. I can’t cover that little girl’s body. I can’t take the lighter out of her shaking hand. I can’t go back to thirteen-year-old me and tell her, “You are not bad. You are not stupid. You are scared because you are being hurt. And you have a future.”
But I can tell her now.
I have two degrees. I have a career. I’m a mother. I want my master’s degree.
I have a future.
I always did.
I was autistic. I was vulnerable. I was a child.
I deserved to be safe.
And I wasn’t.
This happened to me.