u/TheMadQueen96

So the UK is copying the USA approach and going ahead with bathroom bills, amongst other things in a move that unfortunately doesn't surprise me but I don’t have the spoons to tell the people who said I was being "alarmist" that I told them so.

https://www.reddit.com/r/UKLGBT/s/vjl4uBDs2o

Here's the deal.

Trans woman.

I work with kids.

My work only has neutral toilets because the kids I work with have special needs, so every bathroom is accessible by default.

I am not concerned about this affecting my work in *that* sense.

But I've worked in caring for vulnerable people for, effectively the entire time I've been employed. I did take some time working in customer service for a bit because the adult care industry is pretty damn hateful.

So, I've had my fair share of background checks.

I say all this because my current job, which, as it happens, was a dream job has the most extensive background check I've ever seen. Understandable as kids are involved, ofc.

This does mean that if were to break the law, I would lose said job.

Especially if I was charged with certain offences.

Like they wouldn't show me the door for, say, shoplifting an entire chicken from the local Tesco but stuff more serious could get me sacked.

The government, in it's wisdom is making my access to use a bathroom safely illegal.

I'm very tall, with a broad frame, but amongst other things, I have long hair and large breasts as well as soft, "feminine" features on my face.

So, in some situations, I "pass" and in others, I don't. It's honestly 50/50.

I've only had trouble in a bathroom once when someone was trying to film me a few years back. I think, honest to goodness, most people are just in there to pee.

Most I get other than that one extreme example is, I suppose people giving me a bit of a "double take"

Gotten more compliments than grief, tbh. Many a time some women have fixed my makeup or asked advice. Even asked for my help with safety.

But

It really only takes one person.

Filming me or calling the police or even just causing a stir and suddenly, bye-bye job.

And no, using the men's isn't an option. Been assualted and harassed too many times to ever consider it. Plus, outing myself every time I gotta piss doesn't sound very safe.

Do I just stop going out in order to keep supporting these kids? It's not like GN loos are commonplace. And I drink a lot of damn water, especially during the summer months, as I do struggle in the heat.

I'm very extroverted, so go out and about a lot. I worry what shutting myself away will do for my mental health as I did wrestle with agoraphobia for a while some years ago.

But, having a criminal record and losing my job (and potentially being on a register) would also be devastating.

Both options are dreadful.

Trying to get a taxi from Seahill into a part of Belfast on Thursday for an appointment.

I'm aware there's a train at Seahill but when I get out of work (which is kinda nearby but not really), walk to the train station, combined with the commute time to Belfast etc I'd miss it. The appointment is important but it's not NHS, which is why work wouldn't let me out early for a slightly earlier train.

Also the place I'm going to was able to do me a real solid and offer up a cancellation and I don't wanna be letting them down considering they're doing me a favour.

Because Seahill is outside of Belfast Value/Fona cab won't touch it with a ten foot pole. Even though I'm trying to book several days in advance. It's a clear "No, fam" on that end.

Uber isn't letting me book in advance and as I don't wanna be relying on the Uber lottery as it were on the day of. I typically use Uber if I'm trying to get home on a night out but on those occasions there's less time constraints.

Are there any dependable taxi services that would do this kinda trip? I'm aware that there's a bit of a monopoly with Value/Fona but they only really seem to cover Belfast and surrounding areas.

If you're a wee bit outside of that, you're stuffed.

Thanks in advance if you're able to help me out. If there's a way I can get where I need to go on Thursday it'll be a big help to me and it means I'm not letting people down.

One of the biggest sources of both anxiety and frustration I've come across in transition is haircuts.

On the surface, that sounds kinda silly, I know.

But, there's a few reasons why this has been the case.

I almost lost all my hair a few years ago. HRT saved it and at the time it was the only part of my body that felt "feminine" so I used to run my fingers through it or try to grow it out as much as possible to regulate myself when dysphoria hit just a little too hard. I still run my fingers through it for self-regulation but it's more for neurodivergant reasons now.

One of my parents was outright awful. He'd drag me to barbers or a unisex hairdresser and make them sheer me till it was a military buzzcut. One of my less than pleasant memories was him screaming at someone who, could see my very young self was incredibly distressed by the idea of yet another buzzcut and felt uncomfortable doing so.

So, he threatened her till she relented (she was the only person in that day).

What a great dad! (/s, obviously).

To make matters worse, since trying to live as my true self, I've had many, many *many* botched jobs by just picking random salons, even when I've spoken to them online prior, given clear instructions (even writing them down ffs!) and even shown photos.

I don't pass, so some places have decided that means I get "boys hair" and disregard what I've asked for.

It's basically a transfeminine version of this meme.

As someone who still has a bit of a phobia around haircuts because of well, those awful experiences people just deciding for you what your hair should look like because of how they perceive your gender and dismissing what you asked for is fucking exhausting.

I'm at a point where I don't go into a place for a haircut unless other transfeminine people have basically "trail run" it for me as unfortunately "queer friendly" doesn't always mean trans-friendly these days, especially in our country. One or two places recommended by a local LGBTQ+ charity because they had gay people on staff ended up giving me botched jobs.

I did find a place eventually but as it happens, they are fully booked. Like, fully booked. Weekends and weekday evenings are not an option until possibly the middle-end of June by the looks of things. It's a testament to them being good but, even still.

I work in education, so I wouldn’t feel right pulling a sick day just for a cut.

The only other place I got pointed to is a commute of almost 3hrs because it's in the middle of Armagh, and I can’t drive (also, public transport is shite).

I stupidly left it too long as even though I do have a friendly place I know of, I'm still filled with anxiety over things like booking a cut and I tend to leave it until it's needed rather than just wanting a new style. I also have a problem of leaving important things to the last minute.

So now I'm dealing with clumps and knots that are difficult. It's stressful because I do again, still run my fingers through my hair for self-regulation. And at the moment I can't really do that.

The Strands for Trans Website only lists three locations in Northern Ireland and one of them doesn't offer cuts anymore. The other two are just nail bars rather than offering cuts. So, I don't even know where to ask around.

-

This is some common advice I've gotten over the years that just isn't applicable given circumstances:

"Just cut your own hair!"

Part of said neurodivgerance includes dyspraxia. There's just no way I could cut it myself without well, either risking injury or cutting it in a way where I'm gonna hate it. The nature of said dyspraxia at it's worst is doing hand-eye coordination tasks that I can only describe as "fiddly" with knitting for instance being something I've only tried a few times and resulted in blood and cursing. I couldn't tie a shoe till I was in my mid-twenties.

Cutting it myself is out of the question.

"Get a friend to cut it."

None of my friends know how to cut hair. They know how to give themselves buzzcuts but again, we're avoiding that.

"Just go in with a photo, write down what you want."

Already addressed this in the post tbh but feel it's worth repeating. I have tried even handing written instructions over, photos etc and it's still resulted in "boy cuts"

"If someone starts cutting your hair in a way you don't like, just say something."

I really struggle with confrontation, especially in states where I do feel vulnerable. Not only that, but a botched job can be done really quickly.

"Get someone to go with you to have your back."

Don't really have that as an option. Although I have friends, they lead pretty busy lives.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm honestly not sure what to do. It does need cut and while I'm aware there's de-tangle shampoo/conditioner it's kinda delaying the problem. It does need cut. I can't really wait around till the end of June for my regular place either.

But how do I avoid people just ruining me because they refuse to see me as anything other than a bloke playing pretend?

EDIT: I have asked r/TransIreland in the past and I even did ask recently but they tend to not be able to suggest anything in Northern Ireland. And heading down to Dublin for a cut is just not really feasible. Heck, a couple of years back I was asking about a place to go for eyebrows and I suggested Dundalk, lol.

r/transgenderUK has also not proven helpful on this in the past. Most of their members live in mainland UK as is.

My usual is fully booked up for the next few weeks. The only other place I got pointed to is a commute of almost 3hrs because it's in the middle of Armagh, and I can’t drive (also, Translink is shite).

Stupidly left it too long, so now I'm dealing with clumps and knots that are super annoying. I tend to run my fingers through my hair as self-regulation (neurodivergant), so it's kinda stressful.

Embrace Style is my usual now, but only available appointments are early on weekdays, and I work in education, so I wouldn’t feel right pulling a sick day for a cut.

I've had *many* botched jobs by just picking random salons, even when I've spoken to them online prior, given clear instructions, and even shown photos.

I don't pass, so some places have decided that means I get "boys hair" even when I haven’t asked for that at all.

So I *absolutely* do not go to get any hair or beauty related things done without other trans people suggesting it.

Hopefully someone can help.

Edit: Place in Antrim was called Petra Carroll hair PaperxClips (barbers anyway) no longer offers cuts Had some awkwardness surrounding Absolute Hair and Beauty a while back, so I wouldn't feel sure about going

Hey all.

It's your girl, the autistic useless lesbian.

I want to get one thing out of the way:

I *do* see myself as a likeable person.

I *do* like how I look.

But I'm just incapable of attracting other people. I am not physically attractive to others.

I attract two types of people primarily.

One is people who have a fetish for girls like me.

The other are people who look at my personality and want me to "rescue" them. I am a "caregiver" type.

In the past, I also used to attract people who were very manipulative and outright dangerous, but that changed overtime as I grew in confidence and established firm boundaries. I'm less of a "target" for them.

I've never been flirted with since I started living as a woman, at least not in a legitimate way. People have pretended to flirt with me as a joke, or again have fallen into one of the bad categories I've mentioned.

This well, sucks. It really sucks.

And I'm not sure how to deal with it.

I've abandoned ideas like dating altogether for this reason. Just incapable of attracting people who have good intentions for me, and that's kinda always been the case.

I'm struggling a bit with my sexuality. Now, I know full well that I like other women but what I'm having a hard time navigating is finding I guess, joy or anything positive at all in my sexual identity.

I've got trans joy nailed down to a tee, even in such pressing times where it feels like half the country is gunning for you and the other half is indifferent to such treatment. If anything, finding trans joy is an act of rebellion against this country that hates people like me as much as it loves beans on toast.

To cut to the chase, my first lesbian experience was beyond horrific. I will spare you the full gritty details but, it was total Hell and I did almost lose my life.

The reason I'm still standing is a lot of self-therapy (I didn't and still don't have access to good therapy) and a supportive network of friends. I still get the odd nightmare or panic attack but I think I'm as okay as I'm gonna be from the experiences.

It was a long road. And I almost fell off it several times.

But here's the thing: Because that was my first lesbian experience, it's dominated my lesbian existence entirely. I made the mistake of rushing into another relationship after getting away from that stuff and that obviously ended in tears.

Beyond that, I haven't actually had any lesbian experiences since, beyond a drunken snog at a nightclub last year.

I did try getting back on the dating apps not that long ago but it wasn't good. Nothing came of it. Just a lot of men fetishizing me to the moon and back begging for sex and a lot of fake profiles.

So, I feel joyless. Like, utterly joyless in my sexual identity. I want to be able to embrace lesbianism in the same way (or if not, then at least on the same wavelength) that I did transness and being a woman.

While transness and being a woman come with their challenges, especially in the current climate, I still find joy. I find positives to hold onto and keep me going.

I don't have any positives I could tie to being gay.

What I'm realising I need is a "reset" of sorts. A way of finding some level of joy in my sexuality.

The most common advice would be to join or seek out lesbian community, but sadly in my part of the UK, I haven't found any genuinely inclusive lesbian spaces.

The active ones aren't fond of trans women like myself. It's not always blatantly hostile and for the most part, they kinda pretend to be accepting. It's often a case of, if you encounter hostility they tell you to get out rather than address the people screaming at you, threatening you etc.

You being made to feel unsafe is treated as a you problem. You don't really matter. You're not seen as "real" and your allowance into the space is very conditional.

The spaces that are more inclusive, they only really run an event maybe once every few years. It's a pop-up thing you can't depend on for community

As for "If you build it they will come." approach, which would be me starting and running my own space, I'm not the right person for that. How could someone who doesn't even know how to be a lesbian, run a lesbian space/event? You get me?

People have also suggested trying to embrace my lesbian identity while embracing gender identity, make it be an interconnected thing. But, I can't frame experiences that cause gender euphoria into "Sapphic joy" because it doesn’t feel interconnected to me

It almost feels like my sexual identity and gender identity are separate things. I know it's not that way for a lot of folks, but that's just how it is on my end.

If anything, I embraced the joy around gender even more because of not being able to embrace joy in sexuality. Trying to find the joy in aspects of identity that I could to balance the scales a little.

So stuff that'd bring euphoria via gender expression for instance just doesn't feel "lesbian" to me.

I have no idea how to live as a gay woman in the sense that I don't know how to enjoy it. I've kinda had my years since coming out as gay dominated by bad relationships and exclusion from local community.

I never had a chance to figure it out. I was still figuring out the gender stuff when I got into that awful relationship so, yeah...

I know I'm not the first lesbian in history to need guidance on a "reset" of sorts. Heck, I doubt I'm the first lesbian seeking "reset" after having gone through those awful experiences I mentioned.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

But what I do know is I'm not gonna let my lesbian existence be defined by that awful stuff anymore.

It's time to start over.

I just don't know how.

I'm not asking for advice on how to date other women or signposting on a lesbian space that actually accepts women like me. I've kinda been hurt a little bit too much by both to give either another try, that's all.

I've kinda made my peace (or I'm trying to make my peace) with the lack of acceptance and that romantic relationships just aren't something I get to have.

So, I', asking if there's any way I can find joy or something nice about being gay that isn't tied to dating or community, because those are things that have hurt me and have led to me kinda associating my lesbian identity as something negative.

And I want to be able to celebrate it. Be proud. Or at least feel comfortable with it.