r/WomanSurvivalGuide

Loving a boy that treats you so shit the entire time and is abusive or loving a boy who set the bar so high anyone you date after feels so empty

What are your pro tips for a woman in her 30s who missed out on learning the basics?

I totally get that this is a vague question but maybe some context will help. I’m in my mid to late 30s, I am a new mom, and I’m in the middle of a divorce after a 20 year emotionally/psychologically/eventually physically abusive relationship that culminated in me being cheated on during my pregnancy and early postpartum. So if you do the math, this means that I’ve never been an adult outside of the bounds of that relationship. I married the only man I’ve ever dated, and we got together in our teens.

I am a working professional with a couple graduate degrees. My career is solid and I have strong relationships with my immediate family. I have a few close-ish friends. I have a VERY good therapist and we’re working through my many layers of trauma. I feel like I’ve got that stuff relatively well managed.

But I don’t know how to “adult woman” in any practical sense. How do you feel grounded? How do you flirt? How do you find people to casually date? What underwear do you wear under your yoga pants? How do you give yourself permission to exist as your own self without feeling like you need to capitulate to the judgement and expectations of a soon-to-be ex? Is it actually okay to have a casual fling? How do I try new things to decide what I like and still feel authentic and not like I’m just performing some facade to fill my time while my kid is with their dad? How do you feel brave enough to wear something in a new color? Who should I follow on social media for hair styling advice?

I got brave a few weeks ago and fumbled my way through a pedicure. A gloriously self indulgent thing that would have been subtly but clearly denigrated by my past partner. While I was sitting there awkwardly, I kept thinking…I need a “life doula” for this whole rebirth thing. I need someone (or someones plural) who can dump some solid advice in my lap about literally anything. I missed out on a whole developmental era in my late teens and 20s because I was in what I thought was a forever relationship, but that isolated me from friends/peers and stunted me in a lot of ways. I need a remedial course on being an adult woman/person.

(I acknowledge that there’s a fair bit of bias in my thoughts here. I am asking/thinking a lot about the more traditional and mainstream themes of femininity and experiences as a woman. I get that “womanhood” is not about pedicures and yoga pants underwear and best drugstore retinol brands. I also know that there are aspects of my conceptualization of the female experience that I want to step into but I feel stupid and I don’t know how to do it because I missed those parts.)

So, amazing fabulous women of the internet, hit me with your best advice. (E.g. skip hot yoga. Take the pottery class. Don’t do the dating apps. Spend more time naked. Volunteer at your local humane society and hookup with the hot veterinarian because life is actually like a hallmark movie. I joke, but still. Send help.)

Okay so my husband always takes me shopping for my birthday, and I desperately need new makeup and skincare (and brushes) but my skin has changed postpartum & I have no idea what I’m doing!! My skin is pretty dull with large pores and can be acne prone.

Looking for recommendations for…
- a tinted sunscreen/moisturizer or a CC cream that feels light but is good coverage
- a primer that hides pores and smooths
- anything to make my skin appear more glowy and dewy!!
- a new day time moisturizer
- anything that you love!!

TIA!! 🫶🏼

I've realized I'm less interested in looking confident and more interested in becoming confident.

I'm not talking about makeup or fashion (though I enjoy those too). I mean the kind of confidence where you stop overthinking everything, set better boundaries, speak your mind, and carry yourself differently.

Was it a book, a habit, a life experience, therapy, a mindset shift, or something completely unexpected?

I'd genuinely love to hear your stories because I feel like this is something a lot of us are trying to figure out.

Hi, I'm considering getting breast augmentation surgery this summer. I'm 19 and a half years old and completely flat-chested to the point that, if I had to describe myself using bra sizes, I would probably be considered an AAAAA cup. I'm naturally slim, although not underweight, and my mum is also naturally slim but has a small A cup. I haven't noticed any changes in my breast development for around four years.

I feel extremely insecure about my chest. It has affected my life significantly: I've avoided romantic relationships, tried to gain weight through forced or extreme eating in the hope my breasts would grow, regularly turned down plans involving swimming or bikinis, and I struggle to even look at my body when showering or getting changed. I wear heavily padded bras every day and don't feel comfortable letting even my own family see me without them.

I've also had CBT therapy, partly for other issues, but my feelings about my chest were definitely discussed. In addition, I've been seeing my doctor about this for several years. I've had hormone tests and other investigations, and my doctor encouraged me to apply for NHS funding due to the impact it has on my wellbeing. I applied twice for NHS funding for breast augmentation but was unsuccessful.

I asked my doctor whether I was likely to develop further naturally, and she told me that it would not happen, or was extremely unlikely at this stage. Due to the fact I have so little at this late age. She also said that if I ultimately felt unable to overcome the distress this causes me, then private breast augmentation surgery might be something worth considering.

I'm now home from university for four months and am in a position where I have saved enough money, with support from my parents, to afford the procedure. If I went ahead, I would only want a very modest result, probably a B cup at most. I would probably get silicone under the muscle implants. I've also realised that I would not be able to do this procedure this next christmas or the following summer/christmas either due to exams/ placement. And at the end of uni i may not be in the position to get it if I have a grad role.

However, I'm conflicted. I've read online, particularly on Reddit, that some people advise waiting until you're over 21 because your body may not be fully developed, although this seems to contradict what my doctor has told me. My mum is particularly supportive of me having the procedure as she herself is insecure about her size, and she says I might as well do it now whilst im 'in the position to', as she also sees how much its halted and impacted my life.

I'm also quite an anxious person, particularly regarding health. I'm worried about possible complications from anaesthesia, as well as conditions such as breast implant illness (BII). I feel guilty because I know this would be elective surgery, and I sometimes worry that I would be unnecessarily putting my health or life at risk for something cosmetic. I keep thinking 'what if I don't wake up?', or imagining my family members finding out I didn't survive the surgery. When I think about it from this perspective, I feel like I should feel silly for even considering it, but then the fact I still am at all shows how deeply my relationship with my current breasts affects me. But I do wonder if I would be able to fully relax 'health anxiety' wise when I'm conscious that there are foreign objects inside my body at all times. As I am the kind of person constantly convinced I have cancer or that something catastrophic is about to happen.

Given all of this, I would really appreciate an objective perspective on whether pursuing surgery at my age and in my circumstances seems reasonable, and how I might think through the risks and benefits in a balanced way. I honestly feel a bit sad that I want to do this to myself, but part of me also thinks not doing anything and continue living like this would be crueler.

Curious to hear lessons you learned later than you wish you had, and what advice would you impart on to younger women.