Memory has popped up, and it's bothering more than it did in the past.
I was 13 and my boyfriend (at the time) was also 13. He was addicted to pornography, would constantly send me images and videos like that, along with gore videos. It got to a point where he wanted to have sex with me. I didn't want to have sex at that time, but he begged and I wanted him to love me. So I let him. I was just laid motionless, pretty much fully clothed and he would wrap both of his hands around my neck and strangle me while it happened. This happened every day for a month. The exact same situation, I didn't want to but didn't know how to say no really. I wasn't emotionally or physically or mentally ready for sex, obviously, but I let him. Does this mean it was my fault anyways? I could've stood my ground and said no. But I was also 13 dealing with a porn-addicted 13 year old who wanted sex more than anything else in the world. I was groomed before (17 and an 18 year old while I was 11-12) and let them talk to me sexually, so I was sort of desensitised to sexual subjects at this point. Was I wrong? Is it abuse? I know his intentions weren't bad, he was a kid too. But I don't know, the pressure feels weird. I have no idea why this memory is only coming up and bothering me now while I am 20 years old.
Thanks for reading if you did.