Am I allowed to hate my sister for raping me?
Throwaway because a few people ik irl have my main and nobody knows I was raped.
I guess I'm kinda just looking for validation that what happened to me counts and that I'm allowed to be angry about it. I know it's like by definition rape and I wouldn't tell anyone else that's gone through the same stuff I have that it's not rape or that it doesn't count but it's different with me somehow. I just make up these reasons as to why it's not rape or why it's my fault and stuff.
I (16M) used to get raped by my older sister (20F.) I'm not sure how old exactly I was when it started but my best guess is somewhere around 6 years old. She's a little over 4 years older than me so she woulda been around 10 at the time. I'm not sure how long it went on for but it happened more times than I can count. I'd guess it lasted a few years. I don't remember very many details. I blocked a lot of it out.
But it started with her coming into my room and convincing me to "let her" do stuff on me (oral) once. After she did it once, she used that as blackmail to get me to go further. She convinced me I was the one in the wrong and that I'd be in trouble if I told anyone because it was my fault for agreeing with something so digusting. She knew it was wrong. And I constantly have to remind myself of that. I tell myself that "she was a kid too" so it wasn't her fault and I'm not allowed to blame or hate her. But she knew. She knew it was wrong and she manipulated and blackmailed me. I had a huge attachment to a certain stuffed animal that I'd had since I was a baby and she'd threaten to "kill" him if I didn't do what she wanted.
It kept getting worse and more frequent. She'd make me touch myself infront of her or she'd touch herself and make me watch. Eventually she made me do stuff back to her, which made me really believe it was my fault. Because I was the one going along with it. And she knew that and used that against me even more. She knew I'd keep my mouth shut about it because I was so ashamed.
We also had a puppy at the time. She never liked dogs and usually didn't bother with her, but she knew I loved dogs. So she'd assault the dog infront of me and make the dog lick her privates and then make her do the same to me. That bothered me more than most of the shit that happened because I blamed myself for it. I don't think she would've done that if I didn't love dogs. I think she did it to hurt me. I feel awful about it. Especially because I was too scared to stop it.
She'd mainly assault me in my room but she also used to come in when I was in the bath and do stuff to me or just look at me naked. She had a friend that would come over sometimes too and she'd make me get naked infront of them both. I don't remember if her friend ever touched me or anything but I remember they'd both make me get naked and dance and stuff because thought it was super funny. Eventually we also ended up sharing a room so it got worse for a while before it stopped. Well, the assault anyways. She randomly stopped touching me and kinda just pretended none of that ever happened. I used to wonder if she even remembered what happened. I was so scared she did because I still thought it was my fault and I was embarrassed about it and felt so gross. I had a huge fear of her telling anyone. She never did. Of course she didn't.
The assault led to me trying to masturbate by myself to try and get some sort of control back over my body or something. I'm not really sure. I'm asexual and sex repulsed so it was super uncomfortable but I guess I was just trying to get some power back. I did it a few times and one time she walked in on me. And guess what she did? Threatened to tell my mom and used it as a way to get to comply. So I obviously never did that again.
The assault stopped but she was always still very creepy to me and sexually harassed me the whole time she lived here. She moved out when she was 18. So she was still being super weird towards me until I was 14 and able to block her and go no contact. She'd make super odd sexual comments to me and stare at or say things about my body. She'd intentionally talk about her sex life right infront of me in disgusting detail and when I expressed discomfort with it or told her to stop or go away she would laugh and start talking directly to me about it. She'd use a butter knife to pick the lock when I showered and she'd come in and talk to me while I was showering. I was very obviously super uncomfortable with this but that didn't stop her. It encouraged her. She'd also randomly open the shower curtain and super obviously look at my naked body. I'd tell her to stop and cover myself with my hands and shut the curtain and she knew I was very obviously extremely uncomfortable. But she'd laugh and make up weird excuses and try to play it off. Like "oh well you didn't answer me" or "I wanted to see if we had anymore shampoo." Sometimes she'd literally just come in and sit on the toilet lid like it was a seat and eat her food while I showered. Just any excuse to see me naked or make me uncomfortable. She thought it was so funny. This stuff happened up until the point she moved out. I never told my family about her raping me but I did constantly express concern and discomfort to my mom about all the creepy shit she says or does aside from that. My mom knows about all the more recent stuff and never did anything or thought it was odd. The only people that think it was weird are 2 of my little sisters who she had also been doing that stuff to. I don't think she raped either of them. I hope not. But she was creepy to them aswell. Not to the same extent but it was enough to make them very uncomfortable around her.
I never realized that it was rape until a few months before she moved out. I had mostly blocked it out and tried to ignore it. I truly thought I was at fault and she did nothing wrong. I continued to act as normal as possible towards her. This is another reason why I still blame myself or think maybe I'm overreacting. We acted like what I thought was normal for siblings aside from the assault and creepiness. Which I guess might've been me trying to cope with having to see her everyday. Idk.
As we got older I started to hate her for other reasons but I could never let myself hate her or blame her for the rape. I still feel bad for hating her over it because she was still a kid. But it started when she was around 10 and continued for around a few years. By that age she should've more than known better, right? I sure as hell did. My younger siblings did. And she obviously did know it was wrong and thought my discomfort was funny. She never acknowledged her past behavior or changed how she acts. I mean, she stopped assaulting me but she still harassed me and fed off my discomfort and thought it was the funniest thing ever until she moved out. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to hate her for it though. She's an awful person even if she never assaulted me so I hate her anyways but am I allowed to hate her for raping me? It really messed me up and I know it was awful but was it her fault?
I know that a lot of the time when kids do this stuff it's because they're repeating what's been done to them. But I don't think that's what happened with her. I mean, it's possible. But I think it was just the fact she had unrestricted internet access and would watch a lot of messed up shit and learn from it. That, and my older brother would show us both really messed up porn and stuff when we were little. She learned to do a lot of other messed up things from the internet so I'm pretty sure that's what happened with this. But whether the reason is she was assaulted herself or just learned this behavior online, that stuff isn't really her fault. So is her behavior her fault? I mean she did continue being super creepy and harassing me until she moved out so idk. I'm so conflicted. Is it fair to blame her? Am I messed up for hating her due to this? Is it somewhat my fault for not doing more to stop it?