I'm fawning with my partner in bed
It is a very shameful subject for me, and I will try to explain it properly.
I have been with my partner for a few years, and he knows that I have long-term effects from abuse I experienced both as a child and as an adult.
We use condoms for contraception, as I cannot tolerate hormonal contraception because of my health. He makes no secret of the fact that sex feels better without a condom, and he talks about it in a way that makes it very clear that the slightly dangerous aspect of it is also a plus for him.
I have previously gone through two abortions with him, and it broke a piece of my soul. It has damaged something inside me. I am baffled by the fact that I don't simply put my foot down and say that we must never, ever risk me becoming pregnant again, and that the condom must go on no matter what.
It is as though I become extremely appeasing around this subject. When we are intimate, all I can think about is that I have to satisfy him at all costs and that I must not disappoint him. I can even find myself saying in the moment that a condom isn't necessary, because I think that will make him happy.
I become incredibly bitter afterwards, when I come back to my senses again. Both towards myself and towards him.
I know that it is just as much my responsibility as it is his, but it feels as though my frontal lobes go offline in those situations, and I feel like I am going to die, or that something terrible will happen, if I don't satisfy him.
Are there any of you who are familiar with this phenomenon, where your normal sense of responsibility somehow gets overridden by the long-term effects of trauma?