u/ExpensiveChair390

I’m finally processing my trauma. I had repressed it for so long and so hard that I never considered it a problem. Tbh even when I signed up for EMDR I was like it’s not that bad, I moved on.

I was wrong. My therapist and I have taken a break from the bilateral stimulation and have just been talking through what has come up and it is a lot of deep deep stuff I didn’t even realize.

All this being said, I feel like shit. I have to take time off work. I go from hyperarousal to hypoarousal which has been exhausting. My window of tolerance has shrunk. I have spent my whole life dissociating and just moving along and now I feel like I’m actually feeling things, a little too much.

Is this normal? Is this the “it gets worse before it gets better”?

I repressed my trauma hard. Like I was so deep in denial that it was an issue I actually judged people who were dealing with it because I was like just move tf on.

But it was always there: having sex with strange men on the internet, rape fantasies and porn, only enjoying sex while sleeping, and a plethora of other things.

Anyway, after another failed abusive relationship I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I had a problem as well.

It’s been hard. As I’ve started processing it in therapy I’ve become hyper vigilant. I can’t go in loud spaces. I’ve always become overstimulated in loud spaces but never to this extent. I disassociate like never before. I feel nauseous to the point I’ve had to start medicating.

Has anyone else had this journey?

I'm in the session, processing the worst stuff possible and I don't want to say I feel fine but I feel okay, I feel safe, comfortable.

The day after I'm exhausted, nauseous, I want to cry all the time, I don't feel present.

Is this normal?

I’m currently receiving treatment for a chronic disease which is very intensive. I want to keep working. I don’t want to miss days but I have an early af start 6:00 am. I need to come in later the day after the treatments (I go after work) I’m still nauseous and exhausted. I want to go to work! But I’d like to apply for FMLA to be able to go in 1-2 hours later. Worst case scenario take a day off. Worser case scenario leave early.

Is this something I should/could use it for?

I read this so often and have obviously thought it. At the end I realized I was just another piece in a long pattern.

I even found him a therapist and when it ended I thought it’s just like that Olivia Rodrigo song “Good 4 U” where she says “I guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped. Now you can be a better man for your brand-new girl”

Then I realized…When I started seeing him he was seeing a therapist and was doing the same shit.

“But what if this time is different? What if he REALLY changed this time?”

Then he built it on your back. If your ex was broken and is “fixed” for next girl It’s because he was standing on quicksand and he wore you down so he had a road to walk on.

He/She has to live with that.

“But what if they don’t care?”

Then they are still broken! And still a shitty person!

“But what if they apologized? They said they wanted to move on and make things right?”

Apologized for what? “I’m sorry I hurt you” or “I’m sorry I took all the good from you and used it to my benefit so I could heal and still can’t give you the love you deserve”

“But really! They gave me an honest sincere apology. They don’t want me back though so they must not love me.”

False. They don’t want to feel guilt. Imagine being them and being with the person who gave you the greatest gift a person can give, unconditional love and space to heal and knowing you hurt them. They heal, they move on, they find someone new to love because you are a reminder of their greatest hurts.

Can people change and heal? Of course! But guilt and shame is powerful and the easiest way to avoid it is to stay away from the reminder of it.

So maybe they cheated, maybe they were a full on narcissist, maybe they were abusive, maybe avoidant. Why be with the person who knows all the good and bad (you) when they can choose someone who knows only the good?

I see so many posts that it has been 6 months, a year, 2 years and they still miss their ex and want them back. I’ve been there! This isn’t meant to be judgmental but as someone who went through that let me tell you…

My ex and I went no contact multiple times. It never stuck. I always felt like shit. The last time I finally realized it was done. He wasn’t going to change but more importantly I needed to change whatever kept sending me back to him.

Each time I thought if I just get space from him, detox, break the attachment, I’ll be able to move on. That is only ONE piece of it.

This time around I realized I had to love myself, I had to find joy again, joy that wasn’t dependent on him or mixed with anxiety and uncertainty.

I started reading books about breakups, attachment, detaching.

I started going out and doing things alone. Especially things I had always wanted to do with him.

I got my shit together and made doctors appointments, dentists appointments.

Even something small like buying a wall calendar so I could see everything I had to look forward to

I put in the work in therapy.

I hate journaling but I started doing that and it was the best thing I did.

I made a concerted effort to spend time with friends.

I know it sucks. I couldn’t get off the floor or eat at the beginning. Go through it and then live for yourself. They already wasted months maybe years of your life, don’t let them waste more

I was the post breakup girl. I didn’t find out until the end but now that I’m the ex and wondering “Will the next girl get everything I wanted and needed?” And seeing the same question on here let me tell you.

So, while I was dating my now ex his ex was reaching out to him. I told him he needs to tell her he has girlfriend which he did. When he talked about this ex he was very careful to never call her crazy (he knew that would be an immediate red flag) but his story? she loved him more than he did her, it wasn’t that serious, he was a jerk, he slowly pulled away from her until they finally ended it BUT he’d never do that to me, and why do I even want to hear this because that’s in the past and we’re different.

Plot twist: none of it was different. He did the EXACT same thing to me and probably says the same thing about me. He had been broken up with her for about a month. He was dating the day after they broke up and her? He was two months out of a 4 year relationship when he started seeing her.

. On the outside looking in he would have looked like he changed to her, talking about our future, basically living together, supporting me through my grandmothers death…

Moral of the story? If you’re sitting there thinking he’s giving her everything you wanted or you’re seeing instagram posts thinking they look so happy, remember that you were her once, at the beginning.